Chapter 17

The dream that the Soleil of this life sees is – 3

 

Silver hair was scattered on the white sheets. Like it was dying it. Certainly, while it didn’t bear the slightest resemblance to that child’s hair, it still cannot be helped that it was somewhat similar.

For me who lived in a world far away from reality, certainly, it looked like the color I was always yearning for.

The eyes that looked up toward me were purple. While this color was rare in this country, there it’s said to be common.

It made me remember the skin I could never touch; it reminded me of that child’s… of Silvia’s appearance.

 

The fact that Silvia, who was rumored to be a fairy or an angel, died became well-known in high society the following week. Moreover, she didn’t die of her illness but was murdered by robbers.

The person who plotted it was her blood-related older sister, the next marquis’s wife.

A tremendous commotion shook the noble society. Because I was often away from home due to my work as a knight, I left the social interactions to Ilya, so there were many nobles acquainted with her.

Therefore, they needed to prove their innocence. In the case it was judged they had lent a hand to Ilya, there was the possibility they would be imprisoned. Even if it wasn’t the truth, it was easy to fabricate a crime.

High society has always maintained a perfect balance of power in relationships. On this occasion, some moved to try to crush the power of their opponents. Hence, in this situation, the point of focus became our high-ranked noble house.

Originally, I just didn’t want to forgive Ilya. I requested my parents’ assistance, in order to condemn Ilya. I laid all the groundwork possible and made every effort so that she couldn’t run away from her crime.

However, whether if it was because she came from a third-ranked earl family, or because she had the status of being a marquis’s wife despite our divorce, cornering her required quite a considerable effort.

Thanks to the cooperation of several people who used their influence to back me up, somehow, I was able to throw Ilya in the jails meant for the commoners.  

            

When I finished doing everything, the season has gone around. Since I didn’t hear that the sentence had been pronounced, she was probably still imprisoned.

But I was no longer interested in the future. She won’t be able to avoid capital punishment due to the nature of her crime, but the execution of the sentence won’t be carried out in public.

The central figures of the country won’t allow the incident to be brought up again while it has already quieted down.

I understood this already, and anyway, these days, I couldn’t gather the energy to do anything and felt very tired. Due to this tiresome feeling of loss that I couldn’t even put into words, I couldn’t get myself to go to work, and lingered in my failure.

For a superior officer, an extended leave was only a term hiding the fact he was in reality sentenced to house arrest. 

            

In such a situation, there was a certain gossip that reached my ears. A silver haired, purple eyed girl was working as a prostitute. 

            

She had a small stature and slender limbs; her upturned gaze was pure and innocent, it was said that her ephemeral figure was almost like a fairy.

            

The more I listened to the rumors, the more it sounded like Silvia.

When I actually went to visit her, their features were as different as heaven and earth, but still, it was enough to make me dream of that child.

Above all, that innocent gaze that looked up toward me, reminded me of that child.

Just seeing that figure was enough for me. 

 

“Lord Soleil, I... I cannot live without you…”

"... Could you become it? A reason to live."

 

Now, I felt that even if I heard it in a dream, I already couldn’t remember the tone of her voice.

The palm of my hand lightly sank into the thin and hard mattress of the cheap bed.

When I absentmindedly stared at the girl's appearance in a dreamy state of mind, a black shadow fell onto us. When she turned her eyes away from me, those big eyes opened wider and she raised a little scream.

I followed her line of sight to turn around and saw the tip of a sword above my shoulder. The owner of that sword lurched forwards.

I rolled on the bed while protecting the girl and fell down. An impact shot through my shoulder. My back banged on the floor before being assailed by pain.

Then I noticed that leather shoes were stepping on my shoulder.

 

“… Nice situation there, Sir Soleil. Going to the brothel during daytime?”

 

Behind the man who was looking down on me, a faint light glowed. Because of it, I couldn’t see his expression clearly, but I remembered that flickering blond hair. 

Why? My muttering voice echoed in the room that had fallen silent.  

 

“Did you think I died? Unfortunately, fellow knights have a strong sense of camaraderie. My friends saved me”

 

I felt a sense of discomfort in front of that figure who was laughing fearlessly.

Was he a man who would laugh like this? Was he a man who would talk with that kind of tone? Was he a man who would glare at someone like this?

His eyes which were of a much deeper color than mine, should have been warm and gentle like the clear surface of a lake. I have always felt they were completely different from my eyes, which were said to be cold and indifferent even when I was happy.

Those eyes of mine always kept at the edge of their vision his figure which was lurking around her, ready to protect her at any time.

 

“Say, do you know how many efforts that person made for your sake? Ah, that’s right. Of course, you know. Because your entourage must have told you. That to become your spouse, she persevered with all her might. … But, it’s not like you saw to what extent she exerted herself.”

 

In his sharp glare, the warmth that existed formerly was nowhere to be seen. The pupils that used to be filled with a deep affection were tinged with a murky shadow and at any time now it seemed they would be swallowed by darkness.

The man to whom those eyes belong to, continued to narrate in an indifferent voice devoid of any intonation.

 

“In order to study foreign languages, or to learn territory management, or to acquire the etiquette expected from a lady, she didn’t spare any time to sleep. Any number of times I’ve seen her figure as she threw up in the middle of the night. That figure, who was even afraid to call out to people, was much ghastlier than her said sickly little sister. Her throat was burnt due to vomiting over and over again, and before she became aware of it, she had lost her clear voice.” 

 

Have you seen the dictionary she had? The space between the lines was blackened by her writing.

After having read it over and over again, the edges of the pages of that book on management were worn-out.

Did you know about the pen-mark on her fingers? About the shadow under her eyes that wouldn’t quite vanish? About her reserve of stomach medicine?

            

Have you ever seen even one of those things? He asked and his foot on my shoulder increased its weight.

When my upper body was bent diagonally because I couldn't support my body, the girl hidden behind me screamed. Then while shouting something, she ran out of the room.

She must have gone to call for help. The man who glanced at her figure, even if his expression was hidden by the shadow, I could clearly understand that he had a deep smile.

 

“That person was… in the morning, when she woke up, the first thing she would do was to inquire about her fiancé. When she went to sleep at night, even if her fiancé wasn’t beside her, she would tell him good night. She never said once that she was lonely. She didn’t want to be a bother. Even so, that fiancé, who would only come visit her on the planned day, she loved him.”

 

From the beginning, even while she knew it was a political marriage, she believed in a love that would never be returned.    

 

“She was supposed to become the lady of the marquis house. She was supposed to become an existence held in esteem and cherished by everyone. For this, that person had done everything she could, and yet…”

 

My body, which was being pinned down, became suddenly free. When I managed to half-rise, drops of water gently fell down as if they were dancing.

 

“… in that place, in that incredibly brutal way of dying, she wasn’t a person who deserved to leave like that…!”

 

Hearing those words that he squeezed out in a hoarse voice, for some reason, a smile floated to my face. 

I see, did she die?  I’m sure I heard a voice muttered in a satisfied tone.

That was a voice that came from nowhere else but my own body.

 

“Only you... could have saved that person, and yet...”

 

… Why, why, why? Why... was I... were you... laughing?

            

With trembling lips, the man overlooking me who was laughing said, “That they were false charges, in truth, you should have known it.”

I stared as countless drops of water slid down the corner of his lips. I merely stared as he raised his sword over my head.

            

Someone shouted, “Stop it!”

Appearing suddenly, I saw the shadows of several people behind the man.

“Alfred…! Do you intend to defile the pride of a knight with blood for someone like that…!”

 

“The pride of a knight you said, that thing, I threw it away long ago…!! When I lost that person…!!”

 

It sounded like a scream. Even though he spoke each word clearly, I understood he was screaming to the point of tearing his throat.  

 

“Do you know what kind of death you gave to that person, do you know how she died…!!”

 

I could only watch without being able to move at all. A sensation of heat filled my shoulder. It was pierced by the blade. It didn’t feel painful, but my respiration stopped. I couldn’t breathe.

When something was thrown toward me, I reflexively stretched out my hand but it felt down.

In my wavering field of vision that had turned upside down because of my slanted body, I watched it felt down without a sound on that dirty floor which hadn’t been washed for who knows how long

            

That thing that didn’t have any weight, was of a gray color that had been tainted by a dark red.

It was long hair that had been cut off.  

"It looks like an old woman's hair, right?"

 

That whispering voice resounded in my ears. … …

I couldn’t say it even once. That it was beautiful, I couldn’t say it, not even once.  

            

It was of a darker color than Silvia’s. A color that couldn’t be described as silver.

But I liked the mysterious color of her eyes that shined much more thanks to that. Those strong eyes that persisted with their will, with their conviction that was enough to overwhelm others, they have always supported me.

As long as those eyes were watching me, I believed I would never lose my way.

            

… killed. I, killed. I killed Ilya.

Please stop it. It’s enough. Please stop.

Someone.

Please tell me it’s a lie.

Someone, please.

 

**************************

 

“ … … Hnn !!!”

 

I swallowed a breath and jumped to my feet, surprised by my own ragged breathing.

My breaths were cut short, as if I had been running with all my might. I listened to them with muddled thoughts.

 

“…Lord Soleil?”

 

In the room I thought I was alone, a bewildered voice resounded.

As it was at a distance close enough to feel a long breath, it made my shoulders greatly jump in shock.

When I felt nauseous as my breath refused to regulate itself as usual and covered my lips, the voice called out,  

 

“… Lord Soleil!”

 

Someone presented me a wash basin which seemed to have been prepared to wash the face.

Inhaling small breaths, I managed to endure the throwing feeling and forced down the burning lump back to my stomach.

I felt a stinging pain at the back of my throat. When I coughed a little while listening to the pounding sound of my heart, the chamberlain peeped at me with a worried expression.  

 

“The hell hap…, no, I mean, I, what happened to me…”

 

Since long ago, I’ve been taught how to be careful with my phrasing. It was natural for the heir of the marquis to be polite and thoughtful, and since my entourage urged me to do so, I abided.

Normally, I would never be so upset. I was perplexed at my own discomposure.

 

“I was having an awful nightmare…”

 

The servant gave a curt and humble sound of acknowledgment. He gave me a wet towel and urged me to calm down my mind.

Extending my hand to receive it, I noticed my fingers were trembling.    

 

“Did you see a bad dream, my lord?”

“… a bad dream…”  

 

I smiled bitterly and raised a strained laugh, reproaching myself for losing my composure over a nightmare like a little child.

Then, at the moment I stop smiling, my whole body lost its warmth. 

 

“Lord Soleil?”

 

A nightmare? Did I see a nightmare? … What did I... see? What?

 

“… I don’t remember…”

 

Even though what I saw was bad enough to wake me up in a panicked state, I couldn’t remember a single thing.

It wasn’t that I forgot, but it rather felt that I hadn’t seen a nightmare to begin with.

Not even a fragment of remembrance remained.  

 

“If you do not remember, then it must not have been important. It was probably a trivial thing.”

 

Watching the chamberlain smile again, rather than relief, I felt anxiety gradually rising from my chest.

It felt like I lost something, something very precious and important. And as I don’t even remember what is it that I lost, irrepressible uneasiness and irritation assailed me.  

            

When I opened my hands, I just saw my usual palms.

However, the feeling that I failed to grab onto something, that huge feeling of loss, blocked my breathing.

 

“… Ilya is…”

“Yes?”

 

“I wonder what Ilya is doing now?”

 

… … For some reason, I started to feel the irresistible urge to see her.

Chapter 16                                                 Chapter 18

Nocta’s thoughts:

Now that you’ve read Soleil’s POV, do you still hate him? Seems like he is also trapped in a loop, it’s just that he can’t remember a single thing unlike Ilya. Poor them.
We are going to attack the next arc! Back to Ilya, back to her suffering, but also more information about the people around her. Expect mysteries, betrayal and death! Well, I made it sound all dramatic, but I haven’t read all the raw, just until the 15^th chapter of the next arc or something. But it was good. Can’t wait to read it all.  

Chapter 16

The dream that the Soleil of this life sees is – 2

 

“Wow, your wedding was really something. You know, your fiancée… no, she is already your wife now. I thought she was a strong-willed woman, but if she doesn’t speak, she doesn’t look that bad.”

 

There was only me standing beside my friend. I listened to him speak without mincing his words and I smiled wryly.

From the beginning, Ilya was a person of few words. But it’s probably useless to explain this to my friend, who has already seen her frightening side.

A part of him thinks Ilya is a person who regularly abuses others verbally.

 

“But once everything is thought and said, the best one is still Silvia! She was like an angel!”

 

He clenched both his hands in excitement, and his loud voice attracted the glances of the people around us, exactly like that other time.

The expedition of the chivalric order I belong to had ended and we finally had returned to our headquarters. I hadn't gone back home for several weeks already and my superior was laughing at me, saying I had it hard as a newly-wed.

I was told that if I wrote a letter, my wife would be pleased, but since the wedding ceremony, the two of us didn’t have a single conversation that sounded like one.

Although I went to town to buy some writing paper that a woman would like, at the moment I put down the tip of my pen on that brand-new paper, my fingers became rigid.

At the very least, I thought it would be alright to write down words inquiring about her health, but the ones I came up with only expressed concern about the state of the territory. It ended up being a businesslike letter asking her to take care of the well-being of the citizens.

I couldn’t help but be shocked by the content, which was like a written report. Originally, I didn’t have the intention of writing something like this. I wanted to say something more personal, for example, in the area of the expedition, I saw the white flowers Ilya liked growing and that sight was really beautiful.

Or that when I went downtown, I found a hair ornament which would shine in her hair. That it was hard to submit the group of bandits but we somehow managed to fulfill the mission. That the expedition was harder than what I had imagined but my friends supported me.

Everything I wanted to say was really trivial, but I intended to make a list of all the things she probably wanted to know. And yet, the pen arbitrarily chose different words and put the sentences together.

When I finally finished writing, folded the paper then put it in the envelope, the weight on my shoulders increased. Only a sigh leaked from my mouth.

I felt that I spent most of my free time during this expedition writing letters. I did think it was bothersome. But I wanted to become “a good husband.”

As a man, I had the aristocratic duty of forming a political marriage, but I understood that I couldn’t carry out that responsibility by myself.

            

I want to go home. I want to go home soon. When I’ll see her face, surely, the words will come to my mind naturally.

The physical distance was surely proportional to the distance of our hearts.

It must be that, surely.

            

… … However, somewhere inside my heart, there was also a part of me who thought it would be better to not meet her. When she’ll see me, she will surely lower her eyes.

She has been doing that since long ago. That’s why I could easily imagine that scene. I knew that it’s not like she hated me, so I’ve asked her what was wrong.

But she had simply shaken her head a little and showed me a smile. “It is nothing”, she said.

Yet in her gentle expression, another intention was hidden.

            

However, the depths of that intention, its strength, I didn’t know them.

            

As I quietly looked out of the window, the cold moon was looking down on me. I’ll probably return to the mansion tomorrow morning.

For some reason, when I closed my eyes, I suddenly saw silver hair. I wonder how Silvia is doing? Such a thought crossed through my mind. More than the face of my wife, more than the existence of my wife, what floated in my mind were those of that little sister.

Although I was considerably disturbed by that fact, I realized during the expedition that I was only thinking about her.

Then, another letter was written separately aside from the one for my wife. When a voice echoed inside my mind, telling me such a thing was wrong, I ignored it and continued writing.

Sometimes I enclosed a pressed flower inside the letter, and I dreamed of the happy expression of that little girl. I shivered at the thought that I pulled out something like that without the slightest hesitation, even though I never did this for Ilya.

Yet, I couldn’t control myself.

            

Because that child was my little sister. I justified my conduct by even preparing the excuse that it’s obvious I should be concerned about that person.

            

Unlike Ilya, who can manage everything by herself, Silvia will look at me with a dependent gaze. I felt a sense of relief when I saw the silhouette of the troubled girl, who couldn’t even stand up by herself.

What is present here, is the ideal I pictured during my childhood. I wanted to become a person you could rely on. I wanted to be a strong person who could protect and cherish someone.

However, it wasn’t allowed for the person standing beside me to be someone weak who needed the protection of others. Governing a territory wasn’t something easy. At the moment a weakness appears, you will be scooped off your feet.

That was why I couldn’t become the partner of that person who would become my weakness. My partner must be someone who think for themselves, who can express their will, stand on their own feet, who can stand up at the front in case of an emergency and take command.

That’s why I chose Ilya. I chose her because it’s a political marriage, but it wasn’t the only reason. I have been engaged to her since we were children, however, if her achievements to become the wife of a marquis weren’t enough, the relationship could have been canceled at any time.

She didn’t know about it. Nevertheless, she wasn’t negligent in her efforts. I found her attitude of sincerely appealing that she liked me preferable, and while love seemed unlikely to bud, I thought trust could probably be given.

It was practical and realist. I trusted her, and I should be trusted.

            

By living that way and accumulating days, we will become a genuine couple.

I have vowed to do so. Even if love didn’t bloom, at least, I thought we could become comrades in arms who leaned on each other’s backs.

And yet...

 

****************************

 

Gachan!!!

            

When the pulled-out table cloth struck the floor, broken pieces of porcelain flew off in all directions.

Ilya, who was staring at them dumbfounded, unconsciously stumbled to reach out to them. No hand came to support her and she abruptly flopped onto the floor.

My face made an expression of scorn as I saw her appearance that could be called unsightly.   

           

Silvia... died.

            

Faced with this fact, I couldn’t suppress the violent emotion that boiled up from the depths of my body. Sadness only dominated me for a moment. After taking one deep breath, I was immediately controlled by hatred. Inside my body a burning hatred and fury swirled forth.

If I were to speak now, I could only spat out curses.

Breathing out heavily like a beast, I finally managed to say something.

 

“… You?”

 

You, did you kill Silvia?

            

The voice that said that seemed quite distant. As if the scene that was played in front of me was acted by somebody else.

Nevertheless, Ilya who clearly showed a relieved expression when she heard Silvia was dead, made me comprehend the heart of the matter.

Without thinking, my hand which had seized a knife stiffened and I took a big step with the intention of stabbing it in her neck.

If the steward hadn’t thrown half of his body forward to protect her, the point of the knife would have certainly pierced her pale skin.

Having your mind go blank was surely the situation that happened to me at that moment.

“Master!” The voice of the steward was almost threatening and deprived me of my fighting spirit. The knife dropped from my fingertips. At the same time, my whole body was drained of its strength, as if it couldn’t bear that sense of emptiness.

That I barely managed to not sit down was probably because as a nobleman, as a man, I retained a last trace of pride.

I didn’t know if I was relieved I didn’t end up killing my wife, or if I was regretting I couldn’t accomplish it.

I trusted her. I intended to take care of her. I had faith in her as my wife.

            

When I thought that, I no longer wanted to see her face. That woman’s complaining voice mixed with sobs seemed to follow me and it felt extremely unpleasant.

Feeling nauseous as I caught sight of that woman’s fingers reaching out in my direction, I left the room while scolding my staggering feet.

I have to go see Silvia. If that girl has truly died, at least I wanted to say a few parting words.

            

It’s fine to condemn Ilya later.

           

I didn’t intend to forgive that woman who murdered her little sister.

            

… … Wrong, wrong, wrong!!

            

Why, why did you reach that conclusion? You, what the hell are you saying?

Ilya would never do such a thing. She is not the kind of person who can do that.

Certainly, it was hard to say she had her little sister in her heart. They were far from getting along well as sisters. But she didn’t hate her to the point of wanting to kill her.

Ilya... loves her little sister. That’s right, I’m sure of it.

 

“Collect the proofs of the crime committed by Ilya. Don’t miss a single one, gather everything.”

 

When I gave the order to the steward who had chased after me, he replied immediately and disappeared. He’ll probably start to work on it at once. He is an excellent butler.

I could see that it wouldn’t take long before the work could be finished. In the meantime, I have to proceed with the preparations to divorce Ilya.

Murdering a member of one’s family is a serious crime. Although most nobles couldn’t get away from it, it was a different story for someone from a marquis house.

To not let Ilya be protected by our court rank, I have to remove her from the family register and I also have to isolate her from her parent’s earl house.  

 

Wait, please wait. What the hell are you trying to do?

The girl who called me her reason for living was killed. That sin must be paid for.

Stop it, stop, stop it please…!!

I will show you a dreadful reality worse than death.

… … Why, why?

 

****************************

 

“… You… Why, are you so unjust, why are you going that far…? Even if it was for a short period, she was still your wife.”

 

After having taken a leave from my affiliate knight order, I shut myself in the mansion.

When I was compiling documents in order to apply for divorce, my friend appeared with a grimacing expression like he was visiting someone ill.

The man I had not seen for a long time didn’t have his usual cheerfulness. He was the man who insulted Ilya, my used-to-be “wife.”

I smiled and said I was disillusioned by her unsightliness and how she abused others. Even you, weren’t you infuriated when you heard she had murdered Silvia? That things have come to this, it’s Ilya paying for her own wrong doings. It’s not me who did this.

 

“Soleil, I… I can’t bear to see you like this. Both you, and her.”

 

Why won’t you forgive her? My friend hung his head and muttered a few complaining words.

Forgive? What are you saying? Are there any reasons to forgive?

 

She had killed Silvia.

 

“Did you go see her even once? She is still believing... that you... will come pick her up.”

 

The voice of my friend collapsed unnaturally. I thought he might be crying, but I didn’t understand the meaning of his tears.

When I bent my head in wonder, he looked like he saw something unbelievable and covered his face with his right hand.

 

“Do you plan to become a murderer…?”

 

I thought about the meaning of his inquisitive words said in a muffled voice, but I really couldn’t understand.

The one who was a murderer was Ilya. Why do I have to be blamed? I’m doing the right thing.

            

The right thing.

 

Chapter 15                                               Chapter 17

Chapter 15

The dream that the Soleil of this life sees is – 1

 

It’s a dull iron color, she said as she casted down her eyes. Like an old woman’s hair.

            

He opened his mouth to say it wasn’t true, but the words wouldn’t come out.

Contrary to his own intention, he sneered and said, “Indeed.”

Hearing this, she kept her gaze down and only her lips showed a little smile. Of course, it wasn’t a smile of delight. But it neither felt like she was sad. Right, if it must be compared, it was a smile of resignation.

It was the expression of a person who has already given up on everything and anything.

I knew I should correct her, but as before, tasteful words wouldn’t come out.

            

… … Why is it like this? This, this is, not like me. To hurt her. To make her show this expression.

This, is certainly not me.

            

The faded green color of my eyes looks like the tinge of a leaf just before it withered. My parents also don’t seem to like it.

She laughed one more time. She took a little breath and asked me, you don’t like it either, right? 

For a normal listener, her mutter might sound like a mere idle complaint. Like something that could be easily ignored.

However, I immediately understood she wasn’t expecting me to deny her. It wasn’t like she wanted me to do so. She was pretending to ask me, but in reality, there was no need for an answer. Her behavior betrayed her thought that it was natural to reply with an affirmative.

When I tried to ask why she needed to always depreciate herself so much, ultimately only a sigh left my mouth.

It’s not that I wasn’t aware of the effect it would have, but I couldn’t swallow that sigh.

I certainly thought it was bad, but I couldn’t take it back.

She, who seemed to have been carefully waiting for my reaction, without showing the slightest sign of surprise, she strongly closed her eyes once, then soon she straightforwardly stared into my eyes without turning away.

            

Her eyes, which seemed to radiate light, were enough to overturn her assessment of herself.

            

That it’s a faded green color, I never once thought such a thing. Certainly, it’s a light hue, but I noticed that when you changed the angle, you’ll see they were slightly blended with a trace of amber.

I thought it couldn’t be compared to anything else in the world, they were the only eyes with such a color.

When I catch a sight of her eyes, for some reason it makes me feel happy. Completely and thoroughly happy. I’ve always thought it was a mysterious color.

But I never conveyed this feeling in words, and while I thought now would be a perfect time to say it, my lips only grasped for air and my voice refused to come out.

            

Something, an inconceivable force that I can’t begin to understand, is at work.

I must say it. I must quickly say those words. If I don’t do this, I’ll lose her heart.

Even though I knew this, my tongue refused to move, as if it had been sewed.

 

“Ah, it’s already this late. I have a lesson on courtesy now. Lord Soleil, please take your time. You see, this child will come too.”

 

When I followed her gaze, I saw a young girl whose silver hair was fluttering in the wind as she was walking toward us with a smile on her lips.

The tea party that was held in the garden of the earl’s estate only had two seats facing each other.

Can it be that, from the start, Ilya hadn’t planned to stay? Indeed, she was trying to leave as soon as she finished the greetings, exchanging as few words as possible.

            

… … Why? That tea party, didn’t you prepare it for the sake of your fiancé, for my sake?  

            

As I tried to say that, I noticed that the young girl she had called “this child” had arrived right beside me.

The girl’s sight wasn’t fixed on her older sister but rather on me, her sister's fiancé.

Receiving her gaze didn’t make my heart flutter. … Although it certainly didn’t, for an unknown reason, a smile rose to my lips.

I’m not happy. It’s not funny either. However, I can’t help but feel happy. I can’t help but feel amused. It was as if I was drunk.

 

“…It has been a while. How are you feeling?”

 

My lips, which felt they were absolutely not my own, moved to express words of concern for her.

Meanwhile, the distance between me and Ilya was increasing and yet, I couldn’t chase after her.

As if they were fixed on the ground, I couldn’t even move a toe. 

 

“Today I’m feeling particularly well. I don’t have a fever either.”

 

As the girl lowered her gaze in bashfulness with her cheeks dyed red, her long eyelashes casted a shadow over her rare purple eyes.

Ah, what a waste. While wondering while I’m thinking such a thing, I lowered my body to peer into those eyes.

When I saw my foolish face reflected in those clear eyes that twinkled mysteriously, my body felt drawn inside them as if a string within me had been plucked.

            

… … No, it’s not right. It’s not those eyes. I don’t want to be reflected in those eyes. 

 

“… Big brother…?”

“… Didn’t I say it? It’s too early to call me like this. So, you know…”

 

Call my name. I heard a sweet whispering voice resounding from somewhere far away and my head ached.

            

This, what is it? I, what the hell am I saying?

            

I feel sick. It’s nauseating.

 

“… Lord Soleil?”

 

A fleeting and passionate gaze was raised toward me. I felt that I had seen that kind of gaze somewhere sometime, but, I simply stood stock sill in blank amazement, not understanding the reason why it was directed at me.

No, that’s what I thought, but the next moment, with a slight hesitation, I gently touched the girl’s thin shoulder.

 

“I don’t want your condition to degrade again. It’s better to sit down quickly.”

 

From my mouth overflowed a whispering voice that didn’t sound like mine.

“Thank you,” she said and while I looked at her sit down on the seat that I pulled without any hesitation, I stupidly thought that seat was originally for Ilya.

Even though I couldn’t even chase after her, what am I thinking?

Meanwhile, the young girl, who is Ilya’s little sister, was talking to me while laughing really delightfully. 

           

… … Silvia. Ah, that’s right. She is, my… my, my…?

 

“… Lord Soleil, thank you for what you’re doing every time.”

 

Her thin hair that looked like it would melt in the atmosphere if you touched it, was dancing in the air. The beauty of this hair was praised by everyone. 

It’s because the maids carefully groom it, she said while smiling like it’s a trivial thing. 

I’m also proud of it, I added.

 

“Can I ask for what exactly you’re thanking me?”

“… For being kind to me… Truly, I’m really thankful. Because Lord Soleil, if you hadn’t come, I wouldn’t have been allowed to drink tea like this in the garden. Both my parents and my big sister are overprotective. They think I will become sick just from being exposed to the wind…”

“… Unfortunately, it’s not only your parents and sister who think like this.”

“Lord Soleil too?”

“Hum, that’s right.”

“Then, why…?”

“But I think a change of pace is necessary. It’s better for you to go out more often. Seeing the color of the sky, feeling the earth, smelling the air, exchanging words and opinions with someone else, it’s a lot better doing it than simply imaging it. This will at least become a reason for living.”

 

Silvia, who listened to my speech with a sincere look, repeated in a mutter the words “a reason for living”. And after a little while, she raised her gaze to look at my face with her wavering eyes.

 

“… Could you become it? A reason to live.”

“Hum?”

“Rather than ‘someone else’, can’t it be you?”

 

The young girl said this with a dreamy expression. As if to adorn the background scenery, the large roses raised by their mother were in full bloom.

With her transparent white skin slightly dyed red, the girl waited for my answer.

Once again, words that have nothing to do with my own will are assembled arbitrarily.

 

“… Of course, Silvia.”

 

Because I will become your big brother. Although just some time ago I repudiated her and told her it was too soon to call me “big brother”, my own voice that said it shamelessly sounded slightly exalted.

I thought it would be good to become her brother as soon as possible. I even thought that there would be no greater blessing than becoming Silvia’s reason for living.

When Silvia smiled at me with a joy that came from the bottom of her heart, my own lips also loosened up.

While wondering what kind of farce this was, I thought it would be great if this gentle moment could last forever.

No matter how much I struggled, I could only become her “big brother.”

But if I could be beside that girl, beside Silvia, then that would be plenty enough.

            

… …  No. It’s wrong. Why? There is no way I would think such a stupid thing. Because, I. I, I’m Ilya’s fiancé.

 

**********************

 

“Hey, Soleil. Your fiancée, recently she hasn’t been well, you know?”

 

A friend talked to me during our fencing training. Because my family standing was too high, people tended to keep their distance from me, but he was someone who was friendly with me despite this. I have known him since we were children and I was aware of his character.

 

“… By not being well, you mean?”

“It’s rumored she keeps in check every single woman who approaches you.”

“…What?”

“Oh, so you didn’t know? It has become quite a rumor in the academy. Because your fiancée’s jealousy is scary, it’s better not to get close to you.”

 

My friend shrugged his shoulders and smiled wryly. A woman’s jealousy is dreadful, he said.

While hearing his story without really listening to it, I was deep in thoughts, feeling that something was out of place.

It’s unbelievable that such a rumor existed, it didn’t sound like what my fiancé would do.

There was no element to deny the rumor. Because it wasn’t like I knew everything Ilya was doing to the extent of being aware of every single move.

However, the Ilya that I knew would obediently face forward without sparing any effort. On the contrary, she shouldn’t have been a person who would get fixated on something.  

“Your expression says you can’t believe it.”

 

My friend grinned with a nasty smile. As his eyes lightened up with a shrewd glare, he added, “But I’ve also seen that scene, you know. It was really unsightly.”

His remark showed his contempt for Ilya. At the second I flared up, ready to lose my cool, my mouth distorted in a queer shape, as if it was agreeing with him. It was probably a kind of sneering rictus.

            

… … Why was I making that expression? They’re my own emotions but I can’t control them.

Even though I should be arguing she is not the kind of person who would do that, even though I should believe in her no matter who else doubts her, I couldn’t do it.

 

“Come to think of it, your fiancée seems to have a little sister, right? There is a talk about how the hidden princess of the earl house finally appeared in high society.”

 

As I was grinding my teeth out of frustration because my body was acting contrary to my thoughts, the conversation changed topic in the meantime.

 

“Is she really as lovely as a fairy? It’s regrettable that she has poor health, but even my parents praised her and said she was well-behaved and had a good personality. I also wanted to meet her, but when it was time for her social debut, they hid her saying her health declined.”

 

Even though he had never seen Silvia in person, my friend kept talking about her as if he was lost in a dream. 

With such beautiful silver hair and purple eyes, maybe she’s not a fairy but a goddess! 

I listened to him exclaiming this in a loud voice. Although I nodded with a collected expression, involuntarily I raised my eyebrows in a frown.

 

“Hey, what are you talking about?”

 

Attracted by his voice, the gazes of the people around us gathered in our direction. They were our fellow knights students.

Maybe because he was in a good mood, my friend talked with them about Silvia. He didn’t conceal the fact that the beautiful girl, who suddenly appeared in high society, was Ilya’s little sister.

I also heard him narrate in an exaggerated tone that while Ilya and Silvia were sisters, their outward appearances were completely different.

Regarding Ilya, his description gave the same impression as what he saw previously. As for Silvia, he talked about the impression his parents had of the girl they saw at a social gathering.

Both contained a few exaggerations and dreamy statements, and they became different descriptions of the actual girls.

Even though I should speak up and correct it, the inquisitive gazes turned in our direction seemed unlikely to repress their curiosity, like they were telling me it was useless to deny it.

Moreover, I didn’t know what I should deny and how to do it.

The other students who didn’t realize my mental dilemma came closer to listen to the rumored girl who was the topic of high society.

Eventually, I helplessly lowered my eyes to avoid their gazes.  

            

What my friend was saying was incorrect but it wasn’t wrong. Silvia was certainly beautiful.

Her glittering hair particularly attracted people’s eyes, not to mention that her frail body aroused in others the desire to protect her.

Her eyes, which were like jewels, were of a mysterious purple color rarely seen in this country.

It would be easy to put this description into words. I could also have told my friend about it.

However, as I was Ilya’s fiancé, this wouldn’t be allowed. If I were to do it, it would appear as if I had fallen in love with my fiancé’s little sister. This wouldn’t be good.

 

Besides, if I told them I had been in contact with Silvia before, instantaneously she would change from a product of one’s imagination to a person of flesh and blood.

I thought it would be very dangerous. Maybe ill-intentioned fellows would try to approach that innocent girl.  

            

That’s right. Because one day I will become her big brother, I must protect Silvia.

            

Just a few days ago, I heard someone say, “Lord Soleil is very kind. Lady Silvia was talking about it. That the one who prepared her dress for the evening party was him. It must have been quite difficult to prepare a dress for even the little sister of his fiancé. Both Lady Silvia and her parents were delighted by his thoughtfulness.” 

It’s not that I didn’t understand the meaning of their suppressed chuckle. I know their words included a sense of criticism for having overdone it.

However, I thought it was alright like this. If that made Silvia happy. If that made the young girl, who begged me to become her reason for living, smile. Then, that would be truly fine.

            

… … No, wrong. What am I saying? Such a thing is impossible.

There is no way I would think that.

I can only think I’ve become crazy; something is wrong with myself.

I, what the heck happened to me?

 

“Hey, hey everyone, won’t you stop here? Look, you’re bothering Soleil.”  

 

Although I clearly refused to talk about it, still, my classmates were trying to gather more information about Silvia until one of my friends raised his voice to stop them.

Even though he had also been among that ring of listeners for a while, he made a call at that moment out of self-interest.  

 

“Even Soleil is determined to hide this cute, cute little sister of his.”

 

Those words felt to the bottom of my chest. Ah, that’s right. I don’t want to let anyone see her.

 

 

******************************

 

… … Ilya, who I met after not having seen her for a while, lowered her gaze and smiled.

 

“… Thank you for always being so kind to Silvia.”

 

That distorted smile looked as if it would change into a crying expression at any time.

            

Several times a month, if there were no urging matters, it was agreed by both our houses to visit one of the mansions in order to deepen our friendship.

It was only for a few hours, we only met for a few monotonous hours, but it wasn’t tedious.

Contrary to the other women, who only enjoyed swallow conversations devoid of deep contents, exchanging words with this clever girl was a pleasant and fruitful moment.

That’s why, this time too, I was waiting in expectation for those hours.

 

“That you prepared a dress for Silvia… I, didn’t know about it…”

 

However, at the moment our gazes met, she lowered her face immediately. It was the same reaction as at the first time we met, the same reaction as when she tried to hide that she was shaken by a feeling of insecurity.

While I noticed it, instead of worrying about her, I shook my head and answered, “It’s alright. Because one day we’ll become family.” 

When I said that, Ilya raised her face to look fixedly at me, then she smiled again.

 

“For having Lord Soleil as my fiancé, I’m really blessed.”

Despite her saying this with a laugher, her expression didn’t show the slightest trace of happiness.

 

Looking at her face, “what are you dissatisfied with?” such unreasonable words almost slipped off my mouth and were stopped just in time.

I couldn’t even understand properly what I was trying to say just now.

When Ilya suddenly raised her head, I gazed at her big eyes, which became even bigger, and I remembered that I had criticized them for their faded green hue.

“… There is... nothing... I’m dissatisfied with.” Her voice trembled unnaturally. 

I noticed that the words which should have been stopped had gone out of my mouth and I took a deep breath, but it was already too late.

“Really, nothing.” As I remained silent, Ilya thought my mood had been dampened and repeatedly corrected it again.

Looking like she was repenting, her fingers crossed before her chest became completely white. With how much strength must she clench her hands for them to end in this color? I noticed that her nails were digging into her flesh and reflexively tried to grip those hands, but both my arms refused to move an inch, as if I was paralyzed.

Even though I regretted my verbal slip, words to correct it didn’t come to my mind.

“If I have caused a misunderstanding, please accept my apologies.”

            

As she was lowering her head, I didn’t know what kind of expression she was making.

But I couldn’t even urge her to raise her head.

            

Ilya is not wrong. She has done nothing wrong.

Even though I knew I was doing something terribly cruel to her, I couldn’t act like I wanted.

            

This, what the hell am I seeing? I, I, who am…?

            

No, you, who the hell are you?   

Chapter 14                                                  Chapter 16