Chapter 18

If this is the real end – 1

 

What was essential to do when I woke up in the morning, was to not get up until I was properly awake.

Even when a maid came close, until I could clearly perceive that I was “me,” I kept my eyes closed and concealed my breathing.

After inhaling deeply and chanting my name several times, I would finally make the preparations to open my eyes.

Telling myself that everything was alright, I would greet the morning sun while praying that that time hadn’t come yet.

Every time I needed the resolution to live through the day.

            

After that tea party, numerous deaths were recalled inside me. Along with the recognition that the same time has started again, merciless endings were thrust before me.

That was why I had to take measures to save myself. Not letting Silvia die, not being abandoned by Soleil, continuing to remain by his side as his fiancé, as his wife.

These were in other words, choices to protect myself, choices to save this love.

            

However, were they really the right choices?

 

 

“My lady, a sealed letter has arrived from the marquis house.”

 

The maid handed me a letter engraved with the crest of the marquis family after I finally got up from bed. Receiving a sealed letter was quite unusual.

When I cut the seal at once, the familiar stiffed characters briefly informed me of the matter at hand. I read it over twice, thrice, checking the content.

After finishing reading, a sigh unconsciously escaped from my mouth.

 

“… My lady?”

“Because Lord Soleil will come visit, I would like you to please make the preparations for lunch.” 

“Yes, I understand.”

“Also… about Silvia’s condition, how is she feeling today?”

“… About Lady Silvia?”

“Right. If that child’s condition seems fine, I would like you to prepare lunch for three people.”  

 

As I asked this while soaking my hands in the bowl of water prepared for washing the face, the maid answered with a “I understand.”

Although the visit was a bit too sudden, after assuming the letter would accurately arrive on the right day and time, it still could count as asking for an invitation.

When it’s so sudden like this, it’s impossible to decline. It seemed like Soleil was asking for permission to come visit, but in reality, it was an ordering behavior that was born out of his high status as a marquis.

At the end of the letter, if it was written to invite my little sister by all means, then I could not disregard it. 

            

It seemed that Soleil was steadily deepening his intimacy with Silvia, who had started to attend the academy. In order for Soleil, who was in the knight division, to come in touch with Silvia, who was on the normal curriculum, he needed to arrange beforehand a time and place to meet.

The school buildings were separated, and above all the cursus organization for the knights and the normal divisions were completely different.

Since the knight training which contained actual fighting had a different schedule, if he didn’t contact her in advance, it would be really difficult to spend lunch time together.

That was why the two of them eating in the cafeteria together attracted a lot of attention.

Because despite the fact his fiancé was attending the same academy, he left her alone and spent time with her little sister instead.

            

However, it was highly likely that Silvia hadn’t noticed all these various circumstances.

Probably not understanding the structure of the academy well, the young girl, who was attending school for the very first time, didn’t have any person she could call a friend either.

For that reason, nobody pointed out the situation to her. Maybe at such a time it was my role as her older sister to show her the ways, but I knew it would be a bother if I were to cut into their conversation needlessly.

Because of my foolish acts until now, because I threatened every woman who had approached Soleil, if I interfered now, people would say that I even kept in check my own little sister due to my jealousy. I understood that quite clearly.

            

At this point in time, no matter how much I struggle, the situation wouldn’t take a good direction.

Suddenly, my back trembled when a certain thought crossed my mind.

What should I do if all my actions were useless? What on earth was I here for? 

 

“What would you like to do about your attire?”

“Because I will change clothes one more time after that… well, that one will be fine.”

 

When I designated a section of the dressing room, an excellent maid nodded once without inquiring about anything. Soon, she brought back a simple dress exactly like the one I was imagining and helped me change into it.

Meanwhile, I gave instructions for lunch to be prepared in the reception room. Although our visitor’s arrival was abrupt, since the estate’s kitchen was filled with various ingredients, it will not really be a problem.

While I won’t have time to arrange every detail like for that tea party some time ago, it shouldn’t be inadequate.

 

“I will be in the archives until it is time for lunch. If there is anything, please call me.”

“Yes, my lady.”

 

After confirming the maid had nodded dependably, I headed for the archives. While it was incomparable to the academy’s library, the collection of books gathered by the successive generations of the heads of our earl family was still quite impressive.

The top of the tall bookshelves couldn’t be reached without using a stepladder. There, thousands of books were lined up tightly without any gaps.

It seemed the successive butlers had properly inventoried everything, but without the permission of the head of the family, you couldn’t browse through it and it was also not easy to borrow it.

Among the collection, some books were considerably costly, and since they were all part of the properties and assets of our house, the index listing where everything was, was strictly safekept.

In other words, I couldn’t see it. If I had that catalogue at hand, my research would have progressed much more smoothly.   

            

In that place, I was looking for a description related to Crow. Since several of my previous lives ago, each time after I recalled my memory, I began investigating about him.

I knew that Crow wasn’t an ordinary person. He might be a kind of fairy or spirit, or maybe a magician or an illusionist, or a being that didn’t carry any physical substance like a phantom.

Since he could use these kinds of techniques or magic, whether he was a human being or a different species, there was no doubt he was a special existence.

That was why there was the possibility that something about him would be recorded in the books. I searched through various records such as literary works and history books, biographies and folklore stories.

For now, there has never been a description of someone like him, but I couldn’t give up on the one in a million likelihood of finally finding it.

I returned the book I finished reading to its shelf and took a new one. By doing this, little by little I proceeded with my search. But I didn’t know how many thousands of books there were in that place only, and including the academy’s library, even if I were to spend my whole time reading, I couldn’t finish everything in a lifetime.

In fact, in each life when time went back, I divided the total amount of books and continued reading. The shelves I must search for in this life are these ones. The shelves for my previous life were those ones.

Using every spare moment in my daily life, I pursued his existence.

 

“… My lady, if you cannot reach something, please call for someone.”

 

As I had climbed on the stepladder to pick a book, a voice echoed in the archives where no one was supposed to be.

I didn’t know when he had arrived, but my escort Al was looking up at me with his eyebrows wrinkled in a frown.

That no sign had betrayed his presence was proof of his excellence as a knight.

            

When I laughed and told him it was fine, he immediately countered with a, “It is not fine at all.” If you told me the title, I would bring the book to your room, he said with a sullen expression, but I shook my head.

To begin with, even I didn’t really know what I was looking for. When I tried to step down with the book in my hand, he immediately supported my arm.

As I laughed wryly because of the feeling of being escorted, he added with an increasingly sullen face, “What would you do if you were to slip off?”

At that moment, what passed through my mind suddenly was the thought that I hadn’t experienced such a death among all the types of accidents until now.

That being the case, if I fell down from the stepladder, at worst, I would probably end up with a bone fracture.

 

“… My lady? Are you listening?”

 

As expected, I couldn’t say it was fine because I wouldn’t fall, so I nodded in a hurry. 

Do you really understand? I gave the sighing Al a sidelong glance, scolding myself for being possessed by gloomy thoughts.

In this life where I was always conscious of the awaiting end at the moment I awoke every morning, where should I find any happiness?

Since long ago, I hadn’t been able to grasp the answer. I went through every day just for the sake of living. My present only consisted of accumulating those days.

            

That might be the reason why I was looking for Crow.

            

In that time that repeated itself, the people who appeared were mostly the same. If this life was made into a story, it would be impossible for the usual characters to change.

And yet, there were times when Crow would appear before me and times when he wouldn’t. Even if he was maybe observing me from somewhere I didn’t know, I couldn’t be sure of his existence.

In one of my lives, I wandered around the city looking for Crow. When I found young men with black hair, I systematically called out to them. The people around walked away, avoiding me who kept calling with all her might the strange name Crow. There were even some people who laughed and pointed their fingers at me.

If Crow had been at those places, I don’t think he would have pretended not to see me. Despite the fact that even his existence was uncertain, I somehow understood what kind of person he was. Perhaps, in that life, Crow hadn’t been there.

           

Still, I wanted to keep looking for Crow. If his appearance has changed, it might be impossible to find him.

But I definitively wanted to see him. It’s not that I particularly wanted him to do something.

I wasn’t wishing for him to lend me his help, or to save me. I just wanted to see him.

 

“… My lady, what are you searching for?”

 

In the end, I couldn’t read the books I chose in the archives, so I went back to my room while having Al carrying them.

Since lunch time was approaching, I had to change clothes. If Silvia joined us, I had to make sure we didn’t wear the same color and give the impression we were harmonized.

Whether it was a light or a dark color, everything suited that child with her silver hair and her white skin so transparent her blood vessels were shown through it.

This was because that child’s body itself didn’t have any color. But due to this hair of mine which looked like that of an old woman, I must carefully choose what to wear.

Even if my skin was white, it was nothing special enough to be mentioned. I didn’t have any peculiar features.

 

“I wonder what I’m looking for?”

“… Even though you don’t know what it is, you are searching for something?”

 

Dropping his line of sight on the spine of the books which clearly belonged to different fields of expertise and had no uniformity between them, Al wringed his neck in wonder. 

 

“No, it is because I do not know that I am investigating it.”

“… I don’t really understand.”   

 

When I moved my eyes to the portrait of Silvia, which was adorning the end of the corridor that had fallen silent, the voice of my little sister called out behind me, “Big sister…!”

I turned back while smiling wryly because of the timing that made it look like the voice had soared from the painting and saw the silhouettes of my little sister walking toward me, together with my fiancé.

Even though I was wondering why they were together, I didn’t let it show in my behavior. I just quietly bent my knee, greeting them “Good day to you, Lord Soleil.”

“Ah!” Instead of letting Soleil answer, with a smile devoid of any malice, Silvia told me happily,

 

“It seems he arrived a little bit earlier than planned. Because I couldn’t find you big sister, we were waiting in the parlor a little while ago, but…”

 

Today she seemed to be healthy. Her figure with her cheeks faintly dyed in red was the appearance of health itself.

Because I had asked the maid to confirm Silvia’s condition, she was probably informed of Soleil’s visit. She was wearing light make-up for our guest and was dressed a little more gorgeously than what she would wear ordinary.

Since Soleil was a person of higher ranking, it could be said that it was natural to wear formal attire. That being the case, the one who was being impolite was me.

Moreover, since I was touching books covered in dust just earlier in the archives, the hem and cuff of my dress had been whitened by it. It was conspicuous because I had chosen a deep blue, dark colored dress.

Although dust was only sticking to the sleeves, those white untidied spots made it looked like an old clothing. A smile escaped my lips when I thought I truly looked like an old woman now.

 

“…Ilya?” 

 

Standing alongside Silvia, Soleil gave me a quizzical look.

“… It is nothing, please do not mind me.” When I shook my head, he made an increasingly doubting expression.

Seeing him like this, I felt that at any moment he would blame me and say, “What are you scheming?”

I didn’t think I looked that much like a villain. But he seemed to think otherwise.

 

“I have ordered for lunch to be prepared in the reception room. There is still a bit of time left before it is ready, so would you like to have some tea in the meantime?”

 

After I said that, Silvia happily clapped both her hands and exclaimed, “The other day, I just found a new tea…!”

Seeing Soleil’s eyes slightly relax as they reflected her appearance, a tiny bit of pain rose in my chest. I was thinking this scene was bringing me a sense of déjà-vu, but suddenly, I also thought that feeling might be a bit more like nostalgia.

In the past, I would have been hurt by his attitude. But now, my heart had become calm.

… No, I may be desperately suppressing my heart that was about to tremble.   

            

It’s a fragrant tea that will surely suit Lord Soleil’s taste, said Silvia while directing an imploring gaze toward me.

With a nod, I pretended to keep my composure and showed them a smile as I answered, “That is perfect. I will go back to my room to change my clothes. In the meantime, please, take care of your big brother and serve him some tea.” 

We have yet to be married but you are already showing me that joking display. Would it be silly of me to say such a thing when I knew those two’s feelings? Or maybe it could be perceived as sarcasm?

However, Silvia looked like she didn’t care the slightest bit about it, those thin fingers of hers approached Soleil’s arm. They were touching yet not touching. With such a subtle sense of distance, their emotions could clearly be seen through.

            

I, who was simply watching this, I wondered how I looked?

            

If it had been the me before I introduced Soleil to Silvia, letting them be alone together would be a make-believe. I would never give them the opportunity.

 

“… My lady,”

 

Would I yell in a loud voice? Or, would I come between the two of them, shaking off the slender arm of Silvia while screaming, “Don’t come near Lord Soleil!”?

 

“My lady, what is wrong?”

 

At that time, I wondered what kind of expression Soleil would make when looking at me.

… … No, what kind of expression did he make when looking at me?   

 

“My lady…!” 

 

When I looked up because of the voice that abruptly burst in my ears, Al was there, calling out to me with a low tone. As his position was that of my escort knight, he couldn’t raise his voice.

Since I had been lost in my thoughts, my shoulders quivered and I was suddenly drawn back to reality. But right away, I took a small breath to calm down and not let anyone perceive it.

I moved my line of sight to check if my reaction had been sensed by Soleil and Silvia, but they hadn’t paid even a little bit of attention to me and had increasingly reduced the distance between them compared to a while before.

As if to tell him a secret, Silvia put her hand on her lips and approached her face from Soleil’s. Even though the audible content of their conversation was simply some gossip, by only standing side by side, the two of them looked somewhat dazzling.  

While I was thinking that scene looked quite familiar, Soleil suddenly said to her, “Then, I’ll be counting on you, Silvia.”

“Yes!” She exclaimed and turned toward me with her cheeks still carrying a tinge of red. It was exactly the expression of a young girl in love.

            

My thoughts were simply, how adorable it was.

 

“… Ilya?”

 

As I once again became absentminded, Soleil threw me an inquisitive look.

“Oh, then… Silvia, I naturally have no problem with you preparing some tea, however you cannot do it in your own room.”

I thought it was a needless fear but when I added this just in case, sure enough, Silvia tilted her head with a bewildered expression.

Even if hereafter, it was planned that they will become a family, currently Soleil and Silvia were complete strangers. A noble’s daughter wouldn’t be praised for being alone in a room with a male who was not a family member.

Because we didn’t know what kind of rumor could be spread by the servants who liked to gossip. However, Silvia didn’t understand this well.

            

Silvia had been carefully, carefully raised, shut inside a birdcage. My lovely little sister.

 

“… Why is it not good?”

 

She uneasily looked towards Soleil with a supplicating and puzzled gaze.

The one who held the most authority here was him. In spite of this place being my parents’ house.

 

“Since in this mansion, there are only trustworthy people, it is alright.”

 

I suppose I can guess what you are trying to say, but what is your basis for it? Moreover, your little sister is not someone who would betray you, right? He said.

Even now, I knew that Silvia, who couldn’t comprehend what we were saying, was looking towards me with an imploring expression.

I couldn’t look back straightforwardly at those eyes.

Although I haven’t done anything bad, why was it that I couldn’t get rid of the feelings of guilt? Despite the fact that I couldn’t go against Soleil’s opinion, ultimately, the final decision was entrusted to me. Wasn’t it excessively unfair? 

            

When they said it was only drinking tea in her room, it would only be that. As I was making a strange expression, maybe the one who was abnormal was me.

However, even if they let the door of the room open so that people could see the interior, human beings were creatures who tended to twist the truth for their own convenience.

At the moment an ill-intended person would see their harmonious interactions inside the room, we didn’t know what they would make of it.   

 

“Ilya, is there really a need to think so deeply about it?”

 

As Soleil said that, there was no other answer left.

 

“… Yes, you are right. I have put too much thought into this.” 

 

I intended to pretend to be calm, but by reflex my muscles contracted and my throat tightened.

Although nothing especially happened, although this was supposed to be nothing… It hurt.

I couldn’t help but feel hurt. In this way, little by little, I was losing various things. 

 

“…Right then, Silvia, Lord Soleil, I will see you later…”

 

I bent my knees, apologized for the rudeness of leaving first and urged Al with my eyes.

With a somewhat rigid expression, he promptly bent his straight back in a salute and stood beside me to shield me from their lines of sight.

 

“Ilya, wait a moment.”

 

Then, after I had walked a few steps, Soleil suddenly called out to me. I turned back wondering why he was still there. He slightly opened his lips, seeming to want to say something, but he sunk into silence and glared at me fixedly.

As I returned a few steps back thinking something had happened, for some reason Al cut himself between us to hold me back.

While my line of sight was not completely blocked, he was exulting the kind of attitude that was saying he wouldn’t allow me to go back.

When I was puzzling over his unusually firm behavior,

 

“Ilya,” Soleil called once again. “… You, why are you…”

 

This time, he broke the silence and started to say something, but as before, he seemed to change his mind half-way and shut his mouth.

His expression looked like he was sorrowful but also looked like it was not different from usual.

I thought that, as expected, he was a person hard to read. Except for when Silvia was before him.

 

“Big brother, let’s go quickly!”

 

Silvia seemed to become impatient in front of our strange silent interactions and called out to him while acting like a spoiled kid.

That action I could never ever do, my little sister could pull it off naturally.

Her long hair softly swayed, and even though I was standing at some distance away, a sweet scent wafted towards me. Her hair was partly gathered at the top of her head but the rest was falling loosely on her back. This hairstyle drew out to the maximum the charm of her beautiful hair, which were like silver threads.

 

“Big brother!”

“…Hmm, let’s go.”

 

Before long, the two of them walked away together, looking as if nothing had happened in spite of the earlier halt.

 

“My lady…”

            

As I was gazing over their retreating figures, Al called me with a worried voice.

 

“The one who will see others off, who will follow them with their eyes until they are out of sight, will always be me, right?”

“… My lady.”

“The one left behind, will always be me.”

            

When I thought back on everything that had happened, it had always been like this since the beginning. Since the time I introduced the two of them at that tea party.

            

As I remained beside the two of them who have established an emotional bond, my own emotions were always left behind.

 

Chapter 17                                                               Chapter 19