Chapter 66

 9 – Marianne’s Truth – 5

 

“Why am I like this...”

 

I muttered to myself, then quietly fell silent. Where do I even begin, and what should I start over?

What should I do, what should I say, to repair my relationship with her? No matter how much I think about it, I can't figure it out.

What if not just one choice, but all of my choices were wrong?

Which choice should I change to guide my life in a better direction?

 

“There's no point in thinking about it.”

 

Ruby, sitting across from me, shook her head slowly and a smile spread across her face.

Several days had passed since that incident. I desperately wanted to talk to Ruby, so I asked her to make time for me, and we arranged to meet in the music room. Since permission from the academy was required to use it, I used the excuse that I was going to practice the piano.  I hadn't told anyone that I was meeting her there.

The reason I chose a different location than usual was because it was soundproof. But it wasn't just a simple conversation.

“...But even so, to think that someone who plays so wonderfully doesn't like the piano very much.”

She had asked to hear the piece I performed at the music appreciation recital again, so I agreed. It was a small price to pay for her listening to me, but if it satisfied her, it was worth it.

And after I played for a few minutes, Ruby showered me with enthusiastic praise.

Her inability to hide her excitement and her flushed cheeks were endearing, and I couldn't help but smile. At the same time, it felt like a sense of mockery, because I found it strange that she was praising a performance that was far from perfect.

Noticing my growing dejection, my friend showered me with even more praise. The applause continued, reminding me of a scene from a time long ago.

A young Ilya, looking unsure of herself yet smiling, sitting in front of the piano. How many people noticed that her fingers were trembling?

 

“Lady Marianne, your charm also lies in your obliviousness to your own overwhelming abilities.”

 

Despite being showered with praise, I couldn't simply accept it at face value—that was inevitable in this world.

In high society, it was quite common to shower someone with excessive flattery, almost to the point of being obsequious, while secretly criticizing them. It was called sarcasm. And it's considered uncouth not to respond to sarcasm with sarcasm. Even within these roundabout exchanges, offensive remarks that provoke jealousy were strictly forbidden, and disrespectful behavior was unacceptable. Moderation was key in everything, and at its core lay a shared understanding of the customs and traditions of aristocratic society.

The ability to discern the other person's true intentions was an extremely important skill.

 

“Ruby, I wonder why you think of me that way.”

 

I murmured, and she averted her gaze for a moment, seemingly lost in thought. Then, as if making up her mind, she turned back to me. She stared at me, sitting on the piano stool with the piano behind me.

 

“In fact, I was going to keep quiet about it. I don't think you remember, but actually, when we were children, we met.”

“...Really?”

I immediately searched the depths of my memory, but I couldn't find any scene that seemed to fit. I prided myself on having a good memory, but on the other hand, I was the type to completely forget things that didn't interest me. Being decisive and not dwelling on the past was partly due to my own nature.

 

The only things I can never forget are the one related to Ilya.

 

“You don't remember, do you?” Ruby said, placing her index finger to her lips, looking somewhat embarrassed. When I asked her about it again...

 

She lowered her eyes, saying it was a very, very long time ago. A large tea party hosted by a viscountess. We had both been brought there by our mothers, and that's how we met by chance.

It's strange that I didn't remember the tea party I was invited to with my mother. No matter how hard I tried to remember, not even a fragment of the memory surfaces.

“It probably wasn't anything special for you, Lady Marianne. For your family, it was a gathering organized by a much lower-ranked family, after all.”

 

“There were several young ladies and young men present, but they were all of the same or lower-ranked family as me, so to me there was no particular difference in social standing. Incidentally, I recall that Lady Ilya was not there.”

Then, Lady Marianne and her mother, who were of considerably higher social standing, appeared.

“Adults and children alike...the servants, everyone was distracted. They were all on high alert, worried that something terrible might happen. I, who had only been invited to the gathering, was no exception,” she said, gazing into the distance as she recalled the time.

“Amidst all this, one of the young ladies said...”

 

Are you wearing someone else's hand-me-downs?

 

“Her eyes were so pure and clear, they were looking straight at me,” she said, lowering her eyebrows. Following her gaze, I noticed her fashionable, gleaming shoes. Had she bought a new pair again?

 

“I was so embarrassed at the time.”

 

I don't know if the girl who spoke to me had any malicious intent. After all, I was so young. There was no way I could have gauged the true intentions of someone I'd just met that day. Maybe she was just voicing a question she was curious about. But I also felt like she was implicitly saying I was out of fashion.

I looked for my mother, unsure how to respond, but she seemed busy chatting with other women. That said, I couldn't interrupt their conversation. I knew that, given my mother’s position, I couldn't afford to make a mistake.

Noticing my gaze, mother simply smiled awkwardly from a distance.

―――――Looking at her from afar, I thought...

My mother's dress was also two years old. I didn't really know, but it probably wasn't very sophisticated.

Now that I think about it, when we arrived at the mansion, I felt like the host and his wife exchanged glances and gave each other twisted smiles. They immediately turned back to us and gave us a polite greeting, so I thought I must have been mistaken.

The reason I didn't bother to check my mother's face was because I was distracted by the splendid venue. It was so meticulously prepared, with so much money and time spent, that I felt intimidated.

However, the hostess's comment, “What a lovely dress,” stuck in my mind. Maybe it was a sarcastic remark.

 

If that were the case, it would be sad.

 

The dress, which was described as a "hand-me-down," was actually prepared by my mother specifically for this tea party. My family couldn't afford to have something newly made, so it wasn't custom-made or tailored to my size. Yet, somehow, she acquired it and gave it to me as a gift.

Looking back now, the reason it was in a box was probably because it had been carefully repackaged as a gift to look brand new.

If it looks like a hand-me-down, it might actually be secondhand.

Even so, the wet nurse who said, “It suits you,” seemed happy. She even had tears in her eyes as she said, “You've grown so big.” The same hands that had tied my hair then adjusted the frills on my skirt. Her aging hands took their time to finish it.

That's why I was looking forward to it.

I even felt a sense of superiority, thinking I would look prettier than anyone else.

But it was completely different.

 

We might look shabby standing next to Lady Ruby.

 

Someone said that, noticing my frozen, unresponsive posture. Then, like a receding tide, everyone around me vanished.

 

This wasn't supposed to happen.

 

When I got off the carriage, my heart was filled with excitement at the thought of potentially making friends.

 

“----,”

 

I squeezed my eyes shut as my vision blurred.

I mustn't cry. What would anyone say if they saw me? I couldn't cause a commotion and tarnish the organizer's reputation. Such criticism would be detrimental to my mother's standing.

At that moment,

 

Those are lovely flowers.

 

A bright voice, like a ray of light shining through the darkness, rang out. I involuntarily looked up, and there stood a girl so beautiful she seemed otherworldly, as if enveloped in light. The tears I had been holding back rolled down my cheeks.

 

I unconsciously held my breath.

 

“That's lovely,” she said, her face turned directly towards me. As I felt bewildered and captivated by her appearance, she continued, "Your hair ornament is very beautiful."

 

Upon closer inspection, it wasn't that she herself was emitting light. It was as if her smooth, combed golden hair was simply shining brightly.

A being from heaven suddenly appeared.

It was Lady Marianne. I was so taken aback I was speechless, but she didn't seem to notice.

“These are real flowers, aren't they?” she said, nodding to herself as if she'd finally understood.

I couldn't even prepare a hair ornament, so I just gathered some flowers that were blooming in the garden and stuck them in. For a moment, I thought she was making fun of me, but then she smiled brightly, and I realized she wasn't being sarcastic.

I was so overwhelmed that I barely managed to say, “Yes, that is correct...” I even forgot to introduce myself.

My heart was beating more violently than ever before. It wasn't exactly that I was happy she noticed my hair ornament.

Before me stood a beauty so stunning that even renowned artists, with their exceptional skills, found it difficult to fully capture.

Her perfect appearance almost gave the impression of being artificial, making me feel intimidated.

Her mother gave the same impression; when they walked together, everyone was captivated, their mouths agape. Being praised so directly by such a child left me at a loss for how to respond.

 

“That dress too,” she said, and just as tension rose in my mind, she deepened her smile and said, “The embroidery is lovely,” causing my body temperature to rise.

My mother had embroidered it to make it a little more beautiful. As I thanked her, I glanced around and saw the children who had left earlier looking at me.

They seemed to be curious about Lady Marianne.

They wanted to get closer to her, but given their social position, they couldn’t approach her unless she approached first. Our social standings were that far apart. They were inexperienced and didn’t know how to proceed.

She showed no interest in them at all, and when she invited me to have some cookies, I felt like I was in heaven. Of course, there was no way I could refuse. So I followed her.

---That said, simply being near her didn't mean we became friends.

After all, Lady Marianne belonged to the first-ranked family among the Count's households.

Leaving aside the children, the adults who couldn't speak to Marianne's mother approached her, trying to win over that child instead. One after another, all sorts of people spoke to her.

 

“In the end, my happiness at being by Lady Marieanne's side only lasted at the beginning,” Ruby chuckled, reminiscing about that time.

Because no one paid any attention to me. They seemed to be watching me, but pretended not to see me.

“But then, there were specific times when they seemed to notice me.”

 

“Lady Marianne is truly adorable. Her smile is lovely, and above all, she's kind. The dress suits her well. She has class.”

“In contrast, the child next to her...”

 

“In short, it seemed my existence only had value as a point of comparison to the noble child Marianne. It was so painful. It felt like I was being slowly strangled.”

A whisper that no one else could hear, yet for some reason, I could hear it clearly, said, “what a pathetic child. Standing beside Lady Marianne is foolish and shameless. It's unbearable to look at.”

 

“I was happy and had expectations on my own... and then I was hurt and disappointed on my own.”

Ruby laughed self-deprecatingly.

“Lady Marianne, I know that you were simply kind, and that you kept me by your side without any ulterior motives, following your heart.” She said to explain that she had no intention of belittling me.

“But the people around us were different. They compared me to you, looked down on me for being inadequate, and mocked me.”

She stood up and stood beside me. Because the chair was small, our whole bodies were close together. She leaned gently on my shoulder, and her soft hair tickled my cheek.

 

“Ruby...?”

“It's not like you did or said anything terrible to me. But I was hurt.”

A soft sigh dissolved into the cold air of the music room and disappeared. Since I couldn’t see her face, I didn't know if she was laughing or crying. Either way, why laugh? Why cry? No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't understand.

Because I've never felt what she has.

“Lady Marianne's kindness might be like charity. It seems as if you’re giving away what you have. Because you possessed it in excess, you’re giving it to others."

Therefore,

 

“Being near you, Lady Marianne, hurts me.”

 

It sounded like a calm, detached voice.

 

But surely that wasn't because she felt nothing. Rather, there was a stillness to it, as if she was suppressing her emotions. For some reason, the image of Ilya standing there, head bowed, came back to me.

 

Because I was there, she was hurt too.

 

“Then...you probably don't like me, do you?”

 

I didn't want to believe she hated me. Besides, I couldn't imagine her being the kind of cunning woman who would pretend to like me while secretly disliking me.

Nevertheless, I wasn't so naive as to think she liked me after hearing what she'd just said.

 

“No, I do like you! ...Oh, I apologize. I can't believe I said that,” she said, her face bright red, and then she strongly denied it, “Anyway, there's absolutely no way I don't like you!”

Then she suddenly stood up and stood in front of me. She exhaled deeply and knelt down like a knight. The look in her eyes as she looked up at me seemed pleading.

When I tried to get her to stand up because her skirt was getting dirty, she shook her head and stopped me.

“As I said earlier, I got hurt for no reason. It wasn't you who hurt me. The same goes for my disappointment. It wasn't you who I was disappointed in,” she said, gently taking my hand.

“I was disappointed in myself for almost selfishly resenting you for being so kind to me.”

 

Being compared to others, being put down, and being ridiculed for being inadequate—it's painful and sad. It's easy to blame someone else. Living with hatred isn't so difficult in itself.

The difficult part is fulfilling oneself. Filling one's mind with knowledge, filling one's heart with love and kindness, keeping one's mind and body healthy, leaving no openings, and not letting anyone get in.

She spoke at length, as if she were a saint,

“Therefore, I have decided to make an effort. So that if the time comes when I meet Lady Marianne again, I will not be ashamed.”

Even if she could not afford a new dress, she decided to at least cultivate her character so that she could fit in with the upper class.

“If you have a goal, you can work hard. I've always followed your lead,” Ruby declared proudly. “Even when I felt lost, you were there to guide me. That's the reason why I learned the flute. I heard rumors that Lady Marianne was very good at the piano, so I practiced hoping that one day we could play together. Playing a piano duet would have been nice, but I felt like I would only hold you back.” The setting sun streamed into the classroom. Red shadows loomed from the ceiling, and every few seconds, her face became obscured.

 

“...I've strayed from the topic, but what happened with Lady Ilya was unavoidable. Regretting what has happened won't change anything. However, future choices can be changed.”

So please, don't give up. She brought our clasped hands to her foreheads, as if in prayer. The warmth of her body was comforting, and I let out a sigh of relief.

 

“Ruby,”

“Yes,”

“Let's play together someday? I'd love to hear you play the flute.”

 

Her eyes, their irises reflecting light, flickered. She seemed happy, yet there was a slight tension in the smile on her lips. I will never forget that indescribable expression.

 

I was sure that I'd said I wanted to play music with her, and yet...

 

“Yes! Lady Marianne. Someday, surely...”

 

Her voice was excited, but her expression was a stark contrast. I wouldn't understand its meaning until much later.

Twilight enveloped us, and the surroundings grew physically dark. It was only then that I felt my heart regain its richness, imagining a future that hadn't yet arrived.

 

After that, we were never able to play together.

Chapter 65