Monday, August 19, 2019

Chapter 54

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 14

 

While immersed in despair, I still amassed magic power over several years, then I drew the magic circle to fly over to the next world.

It was the same process as usual, nothing changed... nothing should have changed and yet.

 

Alongside a tempestuous sound, countless lights shot up from the magic circle at my feet. While the particles of light dispersed in all directions like living creatures wriggling away, my body was soon swallowed by them.

Up to this point, it was the same as last time and the previous one and all the ones before. The problem started next. Something different than before occurred.

Suddenly, all the lights disappeared. Not knowing what happened, I tried to infer what the matter was, when I noticed that the magic invocation had been suspended midway.

Just as I assessed that fact, darkness swooped down upon my head and my vision was dyed black.

 

Goosebumps ran on my back as I felt like the ground was crumbling under me. In fact, it wasn’t just a figurative expression, I was really “falling.”

Should I say I was taken in by the magic circle? To put it simply, I guessed that the magic failed. And like this, I couldn’t move on to the next world.

I had readied myself for such a thing to happen one day, but why, why must it be now? It would have been so much better if it had occurred earlier, or even far longer before.

The moment I thought that everything would end now and my mind was dominated by a feeling of acceptance and resignation ... ... I heard Emma’s voice.

 

“In the place I was born, black birds were said to bring both good and bad luck at the same time.”

 

Rather than saying that I “remember” her words, it felt more like her vivid voice whispered close to my ears right at this moment.

My throat tightened. Her sigh brushed against my ears and tickled the back of my neck.

I knew she couldn’t be here. Yet, I turned my head and looked for her figure. Of course, beyond my line of sight, there was only infinite darkness.

 

... ... This, what does it mean?

 

My mind couldn’t keep up with these developments that happened one after the other.

As I was looking around helplessly, something quickly passed before my eyes. When I looked up reflexively, as if this gesture became a signal, my field of vision opened.

It was a mysterious scene that looked like white paint was thrown on black paper.

 

The black was repainted white.

 

Similar to the night that brightens when dawn breaks, the darkness cleared up. However, it wasn’t like the sun shone upon it. There was no lighting or anything that could serve as a light source. It was similar to an unexplainable world beyond natural providence or theories developed by humans.

 

Rather than calling it bright, it was more correct to say it was white. Above, below, on the right or the left, it was white, white, white. I felt overwhelmed by the looming pure white world.

While looking around, it felt like even my own silhouette became blurred. Will I also eventually become part of this white world? That thought had lingered in my mind for a brief moment when suddenly, “a black dot” appeared at the edge of my vision.

 

It looked like a simple stain, but when I stared at it closely, I noticed that it moved. It was moving away slowly. Maybe the thing that was flitting before my eyes a while ago was this.

When I tried to move my limbs, I felt a resistance as if I was swimming in water. However, it wasn’t like I couldn’t move, so I chased after that “black thing” as if drawn by it.

 

As I progressively closed down the distance, the black dot grew in size and gained an oblong contour. It didn’t take long before I became able to distinguish what it was.

At the same time, the inside of my chest suddenly started to make a sound and it wouldn’t lessen. 

 

Wings. It looked oblong because “it” was spreading its wings. In other words, it was “a black bird.”

 

The black bird, which couldn’t understand the unrest my heart felt, was eagerly flapping its wings, heading somewhere. Where did it want to go in this infinite world that seemed to have no end?

When I opened my mouth to call out to it, abruptly, the black bird started to turn and headed toward me. Black wings, black eyes. Even its beak was pitch black. The color of our eyes was different, but it closely resembled the bird I changed into when I transformed. It was almost as if I was confronting myself.

 

For a while, we simply stared at each other, then suddenly, it opened its sharp beak. As I remained dumbfounded and immobile, it asked me a question.

 

“... ... What do you want?”

 

It spoke in human language as if it was natural, and it didn’t feel out of place.

 

If it was things that I wanted, there were plenty of them. That’s why, even though I considered answering back, when the moment came, my words refused to come out.

Instead, I recalled the fairy tale Emma told me on her dying breath.

 

“One day suddenly, a black bird appears at the window....” Then it speaks like a human and asks you one question. It brings happiness to the people who answer correctly. To those who don’t, it brings misfortune. That’s what she told me.

It was just a tale, but in other words it taught me that a black bird wasn’t an existence portentous of ill omens as I had thought. It was loftier and noblier, a more powerful existence. Namely, God’s messenger.

 

Was this black bird such an existence?

 

No, but... Emma was... “I” was the only person she ever called her black bird.

“Rya, my black bird.” That being the case, the thing in front of me now, can only be an imitation.

Then, did I become the messenger of God without realizing it myself? Could that be the case?

Such extreme reasoning filled me with laughter. Even as a joke, I didn’t think I could become such an existence.

 

And yet. And yet. If I genuinely believed in Emma’s words...

 

Without doubt, I stood on the window... ... and showed myself in front of Ilya.

 

I spoke with humans’ words, and asked her a question.

“Shall I lend you my cooperation?”

Almost like in the fairy tale told by Emma.

 

Thinking back on it, I’ve repeatedly asked Ilya the same question every time I met her until now. However, I didn’t think she ever gave me a clear and definite answer. It was the same on our very first encounter.

Even though I said I would help her, she changed the topic and avoided answering. A long while later, she just told me, “I want you to protect my little sister.” It wasn’t really a reply to my question.

 

Surely, such an ambiguous exchange was purposeless.

 

God’s messenger and a question urging us to choose our fate, then the person answering and the right reply. In short, only when all the necessary conditions were present could the wish be granted. Then, wasn’t that the case? 

 

That being said, was my “question” right in the first place? And what about her answer?

I wonder what I should have asked her. And, what was she supposed to say?

As my thoughts were turning around in circles, the only thing that moved was the time that continued to pass.

 

When I finally noticed... ... there was no longer anything around me. The black bird had left, and it seemed that I was left behind by myself.

 

Did I fail to answer? Or, was my reply unneeded to begin with? It felt like I was grasping onto something, but also like I didn’t understand anything at all at the same time.

Irritated, I decided to scream. How long must I stay ‘here’? Just as I screamed, I heard a bursting shriek.

 

“Cr...ow!! ... Crow!!!! Where on earth... are you...!!!”

 

It was a heartbroken voice. That voice full of grief, which pierced my ears, I certainly recognized it.

 

“Ilya!!”

 

I was surprised at myself for raising such a loud voice, and I inhaled a small breath.

At that moment, my field of vision was split in two. The white walls seemed to be cut down by a knife. As if the world was being divided into two.

 

“Ilya!!!”

 

However, I didn’t give a damn about it. Whether the world was torn down or destroyed, I must go to where she was.

Ilya’s yell, which still left an echo behind, continued to call my name. If I chased after that trailing note, I knew I would reach her. I no longer needed a black bird to serve as my guide.

 

“Ilya, I want... to save you.”

 

The words that finally left my mouth fell off somewhere.

 

“I want to protect you, to treasure you. I want to always, always be with you. I want to live with you.”

 

“So please, stay by my side. From now on, always stay beside me.”

 

Won’t you promise me? My voice, which whispered so, trembled helplessly. It was quite unreliable. However, I felt that I couldn’t find any more words that needed to be conveyed.

I held my breath and waited for an answer. My heart felt like it was being torn by the deep silence that exceeded a simple stillness. I didn’t know how much time passed, before finally, a few words were muttered.

 

“... .... I... want to live with you.”

 

The voice said so. Abruptly, an intense reverberation like the toll of a bell resounded.

Just as I identified the sound, right in the middle where darkness separated the world in two, a lonely silhouette emerged.

There was not a single decoration on the black dress she was wearing. Her hair, arranged in a tight bun, was of a dull silver color. Suddenly, tears fell from her eyes as she looked toward me.

 

That person called once again, “Crow!”

 

While she was weeping, the girl screamed at the top of her throat.

When I took a better look, I saw that she was standing off against Soleil and Silvia. The two of them were cuddling close together, as if doing so was the most natural thing in the world. In front of them, Ilya was screaming my name and crying. Was it a coffin that I was seeing in the background? I didn’t have a clue what the situation could be like. All I knew was that she was sad.

That’s why I tried to stretch my hand, but just as I started moving, their figures disappeared.

 

“Wait, please, wait, Ilya!!”

 

Even as I continued to scream, I wondered if she was an Ilya from a world I had yet to visit.

If that were the case, then this space might be God’s domain. The place where all the worlds overlap.

“Ilya!!!” Please answer me. When I roared her name with such a plead in mind, the air started to sway, as if reacting to my voice. The cracked world was about to merge into one again. I had a hunch that I would be trapped in there, so reflexively, I leapt into the crevasse between worlds.

 

That space was in a state absolutely fit to be described as “chaotic.” A strong wind was blowing fiercely. Thunderous roars reverberated, accompanied by yells. I also felt a brutal pressure, as if my four limbs would be broken apart at any moment.

As I was unconsciously struggling, without any forerunner, a silver light appeared amidst the darkness. It might be the entrance to another world. When I desperately extended my arm, the tips of my fingers touched the light and my skin felt painful. In the same instant, my vision was distorted. Then...

 

“... Eh?”

 

I was kneeling on the ground, in a forest. The luxuriant and tall trees were looking down on me as if observing me. The vast land upon which a gentle wind was blowing, was hosting a mixture of weed and tall broadleaf trees, and a damp smell of rotten leaves was floating in the air. Stars were twinkling in the sky, but maybe dawn was drawing near as they looked like they would start to vanish soon.

The outlines of all things were vague, I was unable to tell if this was reality or a dream.

 

However, after blinking several times, this world suddenly started to take on a realistic sense of existence. Because at long last, I was able to recognize the thing I was looking down on.

 

The “girl” upon whom moonlight was shining, was quietly and gently lying there. Her white cheeks drew a curve. But her sunken eyes had no vitality and her lips had lost their color.

It was a face I knew far too well. Even if I hadn’t checked her pulse, I knew she had already stopped breathing. In other words, she was no longer alive. But, somehow, it felt out of place.

Calling out her name, I realized that my own right hand was gripping something around the middle of her chest. What I was touching was hard and cold. To be more precise, I was not touching it but clenching on it.

 

“What...?”

 

I inhaled a deep breath, because the area around my right hand was stained red. On the contrary, on the ground on which she was lying, there was a large puddle of dark blood.

 

“Ilya...”

 

The thing I was grasping, was clearly the handle of a knife.

 

“Why? Why... again...?” Why are you dead again?

The moment I was about to ask her that, a loud sound resounded and the thing in my palm broke. When I reflexively opened my hand... silver pebbles and broken pieces of wood were piled on my palm.

As I remained quite taken aback because I couldn’t understand what just happened, a gentle breeze blew. I was watching with my eyes opened wide this fairytale-like scene, when I heard the sound of someone inhaling a deep breath.

 

... When I looked in its direction in a fluster...

 

“...Ah...” Along with such a moan, Ilya’s slender limbs moved up and down with a wide move, as if they were being pushed up by force. Then, “... kuf kuf! Cough, cough... !” she gasped for breath many times over and over, a wheezing sound rising from her chest.

My inability to grasp what happened only lasted a second. Ilya was breathing.

 

Shortly after, her eyes opened wide. The pale green color that appeared under her eyelids was

burning with light. Life had returned to those eyes that had been gazing at the depths of death just a few seconds before. The countless stars reflected in her shining pupils were flickering.

 

“... Ilya...”

 

When I added support to her back as she was trying to get up, I became sure that she wasn’t a phantom, that she was truly real.

 

“My, princess.”

 

My strained voice vanished helplessly. Ilya, who reacted with a surprised gasp, blinked several times. Then, facing me, she asked, “Why?”

 

“Why are you crying?” Even her casual gesture of slightly inclining her head was a terribly nostalgic sight that I had longed for desperately.

When I wiped with my fingers the dirt that seemed to be blood and that had stained her cheeks, her skin felt soft. It had only been a few years since I had parted with her in the previous world. Yet it felt like I hadn’t seen her in decades or even hundreds of years. Actually, it felt like this impression wasn’t wrong.

 

“... Crow?”

 

As if this world was a signal, an overwhelming pain assailed me. It wasn’t like I felt grief. I wasn’t hurt either. However, this pain was very similar to these sensations.

In this overly long life, how long had I anxiously waited for this moment?

 

Ilya was in my arms. She was calling my name.

 

“... What happened... to me...? I am sure that... I died, and yet...”

 

When I hugged her softly, her voice echoed in my ears. I knew she was confused. Even I was. However...

 

“Finally...”

 

“Finally, I found you. My princess.”

 

The tears that flew down my cheeks were warm. Finally, I personally experienced what it felt like to cry.

 

“I felt like I heard your voice a while ago. As I thought, I was right. You called me your princess. But, why? I have never ever been a princess. I have always been...”

 

... a supporting role inside a story, she said before I wrapped her face in my hands. She had a small face, and large and strong-willed eyes.

 

“... Yes, that’s true. But you see, I’m the same. The main character in my life... wasn’t me. I lived my own life but... even so, I wasn’t the protagonist of this life of mine...”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“The main character of my life had always been... ... you.”

 

I remembered the lullaby Emma used to sing a lot. Thinking back on it, this song was very similar to the legend of the black bird she taught me. That lullaby had a mysterious melody, like music from old folklore.

 

It was a curious and unique song where the princess of a certain country was simply looking up at the sky from the window of her castle. One day, a bird appeared before the girl. In its beak, it held a single white flower. The girl happily received the flower, but the long stem of this flower, whose name she didn’t know, had thorns and a sharp tip.

 

Then, the girl was urged to make a choice. What to do with this flower?

 

However, the song ended here. As a story, it was not complete, but as a nursery song, it was. There seemed to be a meaning, but there wasn’t especially one.

The first time I heard it, I was simply impressed by the beautiful and melancholic melody.

 

But if it’s now, this song sounded different to my ears.

 

This was surely Ilya’s and my song. My role was to deliver the flower to her. I just existed for that duty.

 

“I’m not the protagonist. That’s why... I couldn’t save you. Every time, every single time, I couldn’t...”

 

... save you. As I said this last part, Ilya tilted her head.

 

“... No, that’s wrong. That is absolutely not true. Because you see, when you appear before me, I am always saved. Every time, every single time, I was.”

“Such nonsense...”

“Even now, see?”

“... Now?”

“When I was dying, you called me back.”

“No, that’s wrong, that’s not it. You weren’t dying. You were... already... dead. But...”

“But?”

“A miracle happened.”

 

When I tried to explain what happened with words, that was the only explanation I could give.

However, it didn’t occur because she was lucky or someone granted it to her. To get here, she had to overcome too many tribulations. Hindered by walls overwhelmingly taller than what other humans had to face, unable to see anything beyond that sight, not even allowed to get up, she had to grovel on her knees.

 

Even so, she lived.

 

It’s precisely because she had lived through many worlds, inside living hells, and repeatedly experienced endless despair. Because of that, you could say that a miracle had happened.

The achievements made by “each and every Ilya” existing in each and every world may have influenced “the world itself.” Because the worlds influenced each other and interfered with each other. 

 

Then, inside that infinite world, Ilya and I managed to meet.

 

“... Is that... so...?”

 

Ilya, who seemed to not understand what I meant, suddenly touched my cheek. With her usual cold hands and a bitter smile, she sighed, “If as you said Crow, a miracle occurred...”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Then it is not a god who caused it.”

 

“... Eh?”

 

It was now my turn to be bewildered. However, she didn’t falter.

 

“It was you.”

 

Aside from you, who else would make a miracle happen for me? She said it with a slight smile floating on her lips. Seeing her self-effacing smile, I felt my chest constrict.

 

Her way of smiling had never changed since the old days.

 

It was gentle, melancholic and fleeting. I never ever wanted to lose her smile. Yet I lost it many times. But this time, I didn’t.

 

“It was painful, it was agonizing, it was sorrowful, many things happened that prevented me from recovering and getting back on my feet, I lost any reason to live so long ago... But despite all, I still clang to life.”

“Yes, I know.”

“I was wondering why, yet, I knew...”

“...?”

“Surely, everything was for this moment.”

 

The morning sun shone on Ilya’s pale emerald eyes, and the golden bead that was floating inside them disappeared. Her pair of eyes seemed to have entrapped the entirety of all worlds.

My world was existing inside her. Those pupils were calmly and gently gazing at me.

 

“I will live with you.”

 

Ilya, who declared this with certainty as if it had already been decided, put her arms around my back. 

 

“You and I, we will become happy.”

 

Her soft but confident voice scooped up my heart.

 

Always, at any time, you find me. When your hand touches me, you save me.

 

“That’s why, I won’t go anywhere anymore.”

 

 


 Chapter 53                                                 Chapter 55

Monday, April 22, 2019

Chapter 53

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 13

 

After this, I immediately moved on to the next world.

The magic square, with its mysterious patterns, started to shine before bursting out with light and disappearing. Inside the darkness, this scene was particularly distinct. It was so clear in spite of the fact that my eyes were closed. What a mystery.

While I was thinking so, something fell on my feet.  

 

*pitter-patter*

 

I slowly opened my eyes and found out that my feet were standing on a puddle. Countless drops of water were falling from above my head and crashing on the water surface before disappearing.

Was it raining? Realizing that I had become internally discouraged without noticing it, a sigh escaped my lips.

 

It wasn’t “the day” I had met Ilya. If it had been that day, I would have been in my bird form, flying across the sky. And I would have heard a singing voice coming from afar.

But not a single detail corresponded. This place seemed to be a back alley, a place I was seeing for the first time. Nearby, there was a store where you could eat, but the leftover food was scattered around, giving off an offensive smell. As it was raining, there were no stray dogs or cats, but some strange insects without feet or arms were crawling on the ground.

 

Was it once again a world where Ilya didn’t exist? As this thought suddenly crossed my mind, I became unable to step forward. Unable to even move my body, a helpless sentiment of impuissance overcame me and I sneered at myself with ridicule.

 

Despite the fact that I wanted to look for Ilya by all means, the fear that was nested in the depths of my chest was turning me into a coward.

What should I do if she doesn’t exist again? What should I do if I lose her once again? What should I do if I’m left behind all alone once again…….?

It was ridiculous to shrink back just because I was thinking of things that hadn’t even happened yet, but it wasn’t impossible that they would happen.

That’s why I took several deep breaths, trying to pretend to be calm. It will surely be fine. This time, it’ll be fine. Everything is gonna be fine. Perfectly fine.

 

I... was fine.

 

Exhorting my trembling legs, I finally took a step forward. The moment I did so, a curious sight appeared in the corner of my field of vision.

 

It was a black mass.

 

At last, did I come across something that didn’t belong to this world?

Rather than feeling amazed, there was something that strangely convinced me that I couldn’t take my eyes off it. When I stared at it, a strange sound came from the black mass. “...e...”

I immediately realized that it was a moan. It was a small voice that couldn’t be heard if I didn’t strain my ears as the streaks of pouring rain intensified, but it clearly belonged to a human.

As I approached, I saw two stretched-out arms. I reflexively looked around us, but there was no one in sight. In the first place, what time was it now? Because of the rain, it was dim. But it wasn’t completely dark, so it might not be night yet. Anyway, even though we were in a back alley, looking at the silence that was ruling this place, I could tell it wasn’t a period of time when people were active.

 

“... .... p”

 

A person, who was lying down here in such a place at such a time, wasn’t normal.

Seeing their state, this person couldn’t have arrived here by themselves, so they must have been abandoned by someone. I guessed they must have had their own circumstances.

I continued to draw near, wondering what the hell happened to them. Their moans turned into clear words and resounded in my ears.

 

“...Hel...p.”

 

Simply put, it was a voice I knew. I didn’t even need to confirm the face. Just one word was enough to move my heart. As if it was beaten by a hammer.

Immediately, my lips chewed on the air and my tongue became entwined. Words wouldn’t come out well. The sound of the rain seemed to weave its way through a gap in the silence and made my eardrums quiver.

I didn’t know how long it took, but pronouncing that single word was extremely difficult.

 

“.... Alright.”

 

The word that, at long last, got through my trembling lips was too brief. It felt like my voice came out before my heart could catch up.

Nevertheless, my legs, my feet, my hands moved on their own and tightly held her curled back. I had missed these swaying shoulders. Seeing the bruises on her slender neck, I had trouble breathing as I wondered what had happened. Her thin and emaciated jaw and cracked lips. What were her dispirited eyes looking at? They loitered around as if her vision was wavering.

I felt a sense of déjà-vu, probably because she closely resembled the girl who I spent time with in the brothel. But “that girl” was no longer a person of this world. To begin with, “that girl” didn’t exist in “this world.”

 

Was I sad, or was it alright for my heart to be so shaken by this reunion with “another girl who had the same face as her”?

 

 “....Cr...ow....?”

 

For a second, I heard a voice so quiet that I thought I had misheard it. Such a fleeting voice completely overturned my world. It lit a lonely light in this unending and deep darkness. It was a small light, so small I might lose sight of it even if I stared at it, but it was accompanied by a power strong enough to shine throughout the world.

My name had just been called. It was only that, and yet...

 

“Crow,”

 

The first time I thought I misheard, but this time, I clearly heard my name being called.

Her eyes filled with a mysterious emotion stared at my face. It looked like she clearly knew who the person hugging her was.

 

“.... I finally found you,”

 

I wondered which one of us eventually whispered this. Did I say this? Did she say this? Who was the seeker and who was the finder?

I strongly embraced her body which seemed likely to break even now. Though I intended to be careful not to crush her, sure enough, Ilya let out a seemingly pained voice along with a questioning sigh, “...You... were looking for me....?”

I only nodded and observed her. The rims of her sunken eyes were abnormally blackened. I knew what that meant.

 

...... Why? Because it was the distinct color humans on the brink of death showed. The so-called shadow of death.

 

Ilya was already in the grip of death. Although I couldn’t make a diagnosis of what was wrong, my nose was very sensitive to the stink of death, and her eyes were reflecting the vivid color of death.

 

“I... have been looking for you....”

 

Maybe she became impatient because I wasn’t answering her, but she earnestly shared her thoughts.

 

“I looked and looked, but it was useless... Always, you were nowhere... Then I stopped looking... Because I was lonely, afraid, and sad... I couldn’t help it.”

 

Her wheezing voice gasping for breath mixed with strange noises let me know she was scolding me. I understood her feelings painfully well. Because I had been the same.

Even though in truth she didn’t exist there, I searched around worlds, chasing after Ilya’s phantoms. That pain, that sadnesswho else could understand it?

 

How good would it have been, if I had stopped looking for her already?

 

“But, you did it right... You found me.”

 

Um, um, I said mechanically. When I tried to speak, it wasn’t words that came out, but sobbing. Though I wasn’t crying, that’s what it sounded like, for some reason.

 

“Hey, Crow...”

 

Did you know? She asked close to my ears. Even though she was on the verge of dying, gasping for breath, her fingers strongly gripped my robe. They were oozing blood. Her long nails were broken, telling me she hadn’t been living in an environment where she could fix them.

 

“There... was a meaning. There was... a reason.... why I wasn’t loved”

 

I didn’t understand what she meant. She abruptly cut in with this story without any logical context. But she spoke up as if we had indeed been talking about love until just now.

 

“So, I have never been loved by anyone.... I wasn’t loved.... because... there was a reason...”

 

“From now on, surely, it would remain like this... was what I thought....”

 

You’re wrong. I opened my mouth in an attempt to deny it, but she narrowed her eyes to rein me in. Even though the sun couldn’t be seen, her face remained dazzling as she continued.

 

“But now it’s alright.”

 

She said so in a long breath, then she stared at my face. Raindrops fell in her big eyes and cast a soft light in them, as if they were two submerged jewels shining at the bottom of a river. 

 

 “Because, you...”

 

“...love...”

 

“...me, right?”

 

The rain became stronger and the sound of the water hitting the ground intensified.

The sky was darker than earlier and cast a deep shadow between us. Unless we looked at each other’s faces from a very, very close range we couldn’t read each other’s expression.

When I tried to bring my face closer to hers, her breath hit my cheek. Although Ilya was so hollow her appearance had changed, to me it still looked like she hadn’t changed. Despite the fact that her dignity had been trampled upon, above all, she retained a beauty no one could steal.

 

“Wait, Ilya...”

 

If it’s now, if it happens this instant, it doesn’t matter if her eyes become two beads of glass again. Even if they completely lose all their light, I’ll be able to laugh. I don’t want to remember anything else, so please let Ilya’s face be the only thing engraved in my mind. So that from now on, she’ll be the only thing I’ll remember.

 

This way, I’ll always be able to dream while I’m lost in the infinite time that goes on forever.

 

Because I’ll see you in my dream even during daytime. I will no longer have to look for you.

 

 “.... Wait... wait, please wait...”

“Cr...ow...”

“Not yet, no wait... wait... Ilya.... Ilya....”

 

Just a few minutes more, no, even a few seconds are fine. A bit more, please, stay with me for just a bit longer. 

 

Despite this wish, she was dying.

 

“Sorry, Crow...”

 

Her breath hit the depths of my ears. I knew her end was drawing near. Yet, I continued to repeat “wait” like an idiot. Even though I knew it was a wish that no longer could be granted.

 

“Drug... even though... you took the pain to.... brought some to me... I...it looks like it’s...  already.... too late for me...”

“...Wh-what...?”

 

“But, I...I’ll be alright as long... as you’re here.... it’s true................ Cr....ow..........”

 

Drops by drops, the tears rolled down and fell from my eyes. Unable to fight against gravity, they fell one after the other. Or maybe not. Maybe it was simply the raindrops that slid along my cheeks.

At the exact moment Ilya lost her life, the rain seemed to intensify. After a flash of light that split apart the world, thunder rang out in the distance.

 

“Ilya....”

 

I thought I had misheard her. So, while I was crying, I made an astonished expression and waited for her next words.

 

What... did you say? Just now, what...?

 

Her mouth was opened as if she was about to give me precious information.

But she had stopped breathing at some point. Her eyes that were gazing at me seemed like even now they wanted to tell me something. The pupils that had lost their light, were reflecting a deep darkness.

 

“Ilya, just now, what did you say?”

 

.......... Drug...? Drug, you mean....”

 

“You remember?”

 

About that closed little world? About the excessively short time we spent together in that brothel?

I remember feeding medicine several times to that girl who was so weak she was beyond saving. This expensive drug was hard to come by. Even though it couldn’t prolong her life, I hoped it could let Ilya sleep well for a bit.

 

The version of her at that time, should have been a different Ilya. Did she daydream during her dying moments? But be as it may...

 

“Cruel.”

 

So cruel. To say it at this late hour. Dying without giving me an answer. Leaving me behind once again.

 

“Kill me...”

 

Someone please, end me. Twist my neck, stab my heart with a knifeevery means is fine. If you do me this favor, everything will become easier. But...

 

“..... I don’t want to die.......”

 

The sobs that clumsily escaped my mouth were drowned by thunder that conveniently struck at this moment.

I didn’t want to die, because if I truly did, I’d never find Ilya again. So, I absolutely couldn’t afford to die. Because I couldn’t die, I had to live.

 

Yet, living was scary.

 

I once again hugged Ilya who had lost all her strength. I could only look as warmth was escaping from her skinny limbs. Even though I finally found her. Yet. She died.

 

“What should I do, to save you.....? What should I do, to let you live....?”

 

I noticed that I was crying out loud, sobbing convulsively like a child.

I put Ilya’s hand, which had become completely cold, on my cheek. Although I was the one hugging her body, for some reasons, it felt like I was the one being embraced.

 

.........You… love… me, right?

 

Ilya, who had craved for love, who had longed to be loved by someone to such an extent. That girl, who couldn’t believe in anyone, who was full of suspicion and wariness. When she had said those words, she was convinced she was loved.

However, I knew the feelings I harbored for Ilya couldn’t be summarized in such a simple and beautiful term. This attachment was surely something very disgusting and ugly to the point that no one would want to look at it; it was a crazy obsession that had nothing to do with calmness and rationality.

While I said I’d save her, there was actually nothing I could give her. On the contrary, I was the one who needed to be saved. Rather, I just kept wishing for more things.

 

Do not die. Live. Stay by my side. Don’t leave me.

 

Don’t cry, smile, be happy.

 

I kept wishing for more, yet you won’t ask anything from me.  

 


Chapter 52                                                                 Chapter 54