Chapter 53

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 13

 

After this, I immediately moved on to the next world.

The magic square, with its mysterious patterns, started to shine before bursting out with light and disappearing. Inside the darkness, this scene was particularly distinct. It was so clear in spite of the fact that my eyes were closed. What a mystery.

While I was thinking so, something fell on my feet.  

 

*pitter-patter*

 

I slowly opened my eyes and found out that my feet were standing on a puddle. Countless drops of water were falling from above my head and crashing on the water surface before disappearing.

Was it raining? Realizing that I had become internally discouraged without noticing it, a sigh escaped my lips.

 

It wasn’t “the day” I had met Ilya. If it had been that day, I would have been in my bird form, flying across the sky. And I would have heard a singing voice coming from afar.

But not a single detail corresponded. This place seemed to be a back alley, a place I was seeing for the first time. Nearby, there was a store where you could eat, but the leftover food was scattered around, giving off an offensive smell. As it was raining, there were no stray dogs or cats, but some strange insects without feet or arms were crawling on the ground.

 

Was it once again a world where Ilya didn’t exist? As this thought suddenly crossed my mind, I became unable to step forward. Unable to even move my body, a helpless sentiment of impuissance overcame me and I sneered at myself with ridicule.

 

Despite the fact that I wanted to look for Ilya by all means, the fear that was nested in the depths of my chest was turning me into a coward.

What should I do if she doesn’t exist again? What should I do if I lose her once again? What should I do if I’m left behind all alone once again…….?

It was ridiculous to shrink back just because I was thinking of things that hadn’t even happened yet, but it wasn’t impossible that they would happen.

That’s why I took several deep breaths, trying to pretend to be calm. It will surely be fine. This time, it’ll be fine. Everything is gonna be fine. Perfectly fine.

 

I... was fine.

 

Exhorting my trembling legs, I finally took a step forward. The moment I did so, a curious sight appeared in the corner of my field of vision.

 

It was a black mass.

 

At last, did I come across something that didn’t belong to this world?

Rather than feeling amazed, there was something that strangely convinced me that I couldn’t take my eyes off it. When I stared at it, a strange sound came from the black mass. “...e...”

I immediately realized that it was a moan. It was a small voice that couldn’t be heard if I didn’t strain my ears as the streaks of pouring rain intensified, but it clearly belonged to a human.

As I approached, I saw two stretched-out arms. I reflexively looked around us, but there was no one in sight. In the first place, what time was it now? Because of the rain, it was dim. But it wasn’t completely dark, so it might not be night yet. Anyway, even though we were in a back alley, looking at the silence that was ruling this place, I could tell it wasn’t a period of time when people were active.

 

“... .... p”

 

A person, who was lying down here in such a place at such a time, wasn’t normal.

Seeing their state, this person couldn’t have arrived here by themselves, so they must have been abandoned by someone. I guessed they must have had their own circumstances.

I continued to draw near, wondering what the hell happened to them. Their moans turned into clear words and resounded in my ears.

 

“...Hel...p.”

 

Simply put, it was a voice I knew. I didn’t even need to confirm the face. Just one word was enough to move my heart. As if it was beaten by a hammer.

Immediately, my lips chewed on the air and my tongue became entwined. Words wouldn’t come out well. The sound of the rain seemed to weave its way through a gap in the silence and made my eardrums quiver.

I didn’t know how long it took, but pronouncing that single word was extremely difficult.

 

“.... Alright.”

 

The word that, at long last, got through my trembling lips was too brief. It felt like my voice came out before my heart could catch up.

Nevertheless, my legs, my feet, my hands moved on their own and tightly held her curled back. I had missed these swaying shoulders. Seeing the bruises on her slender neck, I had trouble breathing as I wondered what had happened. Her thin and emaciated jaw and cracked lips. What were her dispirited eyes looking at? They loitered around as if her vision was wavering.

I felt a sense of déjà-vu, probably because she closely resembled the girl who I spent time with in the brothel. But “that girl” was no longer a person of this world. To begin with, “that girl” didn’t exist in “this world.”

 

Was I sad, or was it alright for my heart to be so shaken by this reunion with “another girl who had the same face as her”?

 

 “....Cr...ow....?”

 

For a second, I heard a voice so quiet that I thought I had misheard it. Such a fleeting voice completely overturned my world. It lit a lonely light in this unending and deep darkness. It was a small light, so small I might lose sight of it even if I stared at it, but it was accompanied by a power strong enough to shine throughout the world.

My name had just been called. It was only that, and yet...

 

“Crow,”

 

The first time I thought I misheard, but this time, I clearly heard my name being called.

Her eyes filled with a mysterious emotion stared at my face. It looked like she clearly knew who the person hugging her was.

 

“.... I finally found you,”

 

I wondered which one of us eventually whispered this. Did I say this? Did she say this? Who was the seeker and who was the finder?

I strongly embraced her body which seemed likely to break even now. Though I intended to be careful not to crush her, sure enough, Ilya let out a seemingly pained voice along with a questioning sigh, “...You... were looking for me....?”

I only nodded and observed her. The rims of her sunken eyes were abnormally blackened. I knew what that meant.

 

...... Why? Because it was the distinct color humans on the brink of death showed. The so-called shadow of death.

 

Ilya was already in the grip of death. Although I couldn’t make a diagnosis of what was wrong, my nose was very sensitive to the stink of death, and her eyes were reflecting the vivid color of death.

 

“I... have been looking for you....”

 

Maybe she became impatient because I wasn’t answering her, but she earnestly shared her thoughts.

 

“I looked and looked, but it was useless... Always, you were nowhere... Then I stopped looking... Because I was lonely, afraid, and sad... I couldn’t help it.”

 

Her wheezing voice gasping for breath mixed with strange noises let me know she was scolding me. I understood her feelings painfully well. Because I had been the same.

Even though in truth she didn’t exist there, I searched around worlds, chasing after Ilya’s phantoms. That pain, that sadness—who else could understand it?

 

How good would it have been, if I had stopped looking for her already?

 

“But, you did it right... You found me.”

 

Um, um, I said mechanically. When I tried to speak, it wasn’t words that came out, but sobbing. Though I wasn’t crying, that’s what it sounded like, for some reason.

 

“Hey, Crow...”

 

Did you know? She asked close to my ears. Even though she was on the verge of dying, gasping for breath, her fingers strongly gripped my robe. They were oozing blood. Her long nails were broken, telling me she hadn’t been living in an environment where she could fix them.

 

“There... was a meaning. There was... a reason.... why I wasn’t loved”

 

I didn’t understand what she meant. She abruptly cut in with this story without any logical context. But she spoke up as if we had indeed been talking about love until just now.

 

“So, I have never been loved by anyone.... I wasn’t loved.... because... there was a reason...”

 

“From now on, surely, it would remain like this... was what I thought....”

 

You’re wrong. I opened my mouth in an attempt to deny it, but she narrowed her eyes to rein me in. Even though the sun couldn’t be seen, her face remained dazzling as she continued.

 

“But now it’s alright.”

 

She said so in a long breath, then she stared at my face. Raindrops fell in her big eyes and cast a soft light in them, as if they were two submerged jewels shining at the bottom of a river. 

 

 “Because, you...”

 

“...love...”

 

“...me, right?”

 

The rain became stronger and the sound of the water hitting the ground intensified.

The sky was darker than earlier and cast a deep shadow between us. Unless we looked at each other’s faces from a very, very close range we couldn’t read each other’s expression.

When I tried to bring my face closer to hers, her breath hit my cheek. Although Ilya was so hollow her appearance had changed, to me it still looked like she hadn’t changed. Despite the fact that her dignity had been trampled upon, above all, she retained a beauty no one could steal.

 

“Wait, Ilya...”

 

If it’s now, if it happens this instant, it doesn’t matter if her eyes become two beads of glass again. Even if they completely lose all their light, I’ll be able to laugh. I don’t want to remember anything else, so please let Ilya’s face be the only thing engraved in my mind. So that from now on, she’ll be the only thing I’ll remember.

 

This way, I’ll always be able to dream while I’m lost in the infinite time that goes on forever.

 

Because I’ll see you in my dream even during daytime. I will no longer have to look for you.

 

 “.... Wait... wait, please wait...”

“Cr...ow...”

“Not yet, no wait... wait... Ilya.... Ilya....”

 

Just a few minutes more, no, even a few seconds are fine. A bit more, please, stay with me for just a bit longer. 

 

Despite this wish, she was dying.

 

“Sorry, Crow...”

 

Her breath hit the depths of my ears. I knew her end was drawing near. Yet, I continued to repeat “wait” like an idiot. Even though I knew it was a wish that no longer could be granted.

 

“Drug... even though... you took the pain to.... brought some to me... I...it looks like it’s...  already.... too late for me...”

“...Wh-what...?”

 

“But, I...I’ll be alright as long... as you’re here.... it’s true................ Cr....ow..........”

 

Drops by drops, the tears rolled down and fell from my eyes. Unable to fight against gravity, they fell one after the other. Or maybe not. Maybe it was simply the raindrops that slid along my cheeks.

At the exact moment Ilya lost her life, the rain seemed to intensify. After a flash of light that split apart the world, thunder rang out in the distance.

 

“Ilya....”

 

I thought I had misheard her. So, while I was crying, I made an astonished expression and waited for her next words.

 

What... did you say? Just now, what...?

 

Her mouth was opened as if she was about to give me precious information.

But she had stopped breathing at some point. Her eyes that were gazing at me seemed like even now they wanted to tell me something. The pupils that had lost their light, were reflecting a deep darkness.

 

“Ilya, just now, what did you say?”

 

.......... Drug...? Drug, you mean....”

 

“You remember?”

 

About that closed little world? About the excessively short time we spent together in that brothel?

I remember feeding medicine several times to that girl who was so weak she was beyond saving. This expensive drug was hard to come by. Even though it couldn’t prolong her life, I hoped it could let Ilya sleep well for a bit.

 

The version of her at that time, should have been a different Ilya. Did she daydream during her dying moments? But be as it may...

 

“Cruel.”

 

So cruel. To say it at this late hour. Dying without giving me an answer. Leaving me behind once again.

 

“Kill me...”

 

Someone please, end me. Twist my neck, stab my heart with a knife—every means is fine. If you do me this favor, everything will become easier. But...

 

“..... I don’t want to die.......”

 

The sobs that clumsily escaped my mouth were drowned by thunder that conveniently struck at this moment.

I didn’t want to die, because if I truly did, I’d never find Ilya again. So, I absolutely couldn’t afford to die. Because I couldn’t die, I had to live.

 

Yet, living was scary.

 

I once again hugged Ilya who had lost all her strength. I could only look as warmth was escaping from her skinny limbs. Even though I finally found her. Yet. She died.

 

“What should I do, to save you.....? What should I do, to let you live....?”

 

I noticed that I was crying out loud, sobbing convulsively like a child.

I put Ilya’s hand, which had become completely cold, on my cheek. Although I was the one hugging her body, for some reasons, it felt like I was the one being embraced.

 

.........You… love… me, right?

 

Ilya, who had craved for love, who had longed to be loved by someone to such an extent. That girl, who couldn’t believe in anyone, who was full of suspicion and wariness. When she had said those words, she was convinced she was loved.

However, I knew the feelings I harbored for Ilya couldn’t be summarized in such a simple and beautiful term. This attachment was surely something very disgusting and ugly to the point that no one would want to look at it; it was a crazy obsession that had nothing to do with calmness and rationality.

While I said I’d save her, there was actually nothing I could give her. On the contrary, I was the one who needed to be saved. Rather, I just kept wishing for more things.

 

Do not die. Live. Stay by my side. Don’t leave me.

 

Don’t cry, smile, be happy.

 

I kept wishing for more, yet you won’t ask anything from me.  

 

Chapter 52                                                                 Chapter 54