Chapter 68

 9 – Marianne’s Truth – 7

 

It was raining.

 

Looking out the school window, I saw a cloudy sky that looked as if the wind had blown away ashes. Below it stretched the humid garden.

I wondered if Ruby completed her journey safely. I couldn't even know if she was alright. With a feeling of my heart being gripped, I vaguely followed the raindrops.

“…Lady Marianne?”

My friend, who was walking beside me, noticed me stopping and turned around.

“Would you go on ahead?”

The next class was foreign languages. The academy invites teachers from various countries, and students can choose the language they want to learn. They can choose as many as time allows, so most choose two languages, but I believe Ilya attended many more classes. I've heard that members of the Marquis family can speak three languages, so she inevitably needs to acquire multiple languages ​​as well.

She, too, will eventually play an important role in governing this country. Diplomacy is one of the important duties of the Marquis family.

 

As for me...

 

I wonder what I’ll become. I thought of my friend who had to graduate from the academy earlier than anyone else around her. Although she was accompanied by bodyguards, she went alone to a place far away from here. To become someone's partner means to bear half of someone's life on your shoulders.

“...”

I stood frozen in the empty corridor. With a big sigh, the rain seemed to be getting heavier.

Then, I suddenly noticed someone standing in the corridor on the other side of the garden. It was hard to see because they were in the shadow of the pillars lined up at equal intervals, but they were definitely there. Several people passed by nearby, chatting, but no one noticed that person. It was just that their position made them easily visible from this corridor. They were undoubtedly hiding.

As I watched, I saw familiar black hair fluttering in the wind.

 

... ...Lord Soleil?

 

He was standing with his arms crossed and his head bowed. At first glance, he seemed to be hiding, but also waiting for someone.

The men who passed by earlier were from the Knights' Division, so if there was someone else he had to wait for, it would probably be Edward. I moved closer to the window to get a better look, but the pouring rain was obstructing my view. He was on the other side of the garden surrounding a small fountain, so I couldn't quite see what expression he was making.

And then, at that moment...

Turning the corner of the corridor, I saw a woman walking towards me. She was walking quickly, as if in a hurry.

“...Lady Ilia,”

I murmured, then stopped myself, swallowing my words.

Ilya probably hadn't noticed Soleil yet. She was standing tall, but her gaze was lowered as usual. The sheer number of books she was carrying in front of her chest made my heart ache, realizing she must have no time to rest. If it was like this even within the academy, it wasn't hard to imagine how intensely she worked when she returned to the mansion.

 

When did it all begin, and when would it end?

 

I worry whether it's really necessary to go that far, but no one knows the answer. If anyone knows, it's only her.

If only we had overlapping language classes, even just one, I could have found a reason to talk to her.

Unfortunately, we didn't have any overlapping classes. It's also a matter of my own motivation. Since it didn't seem like something I'd need in the future, I chose a language that was close to my native tongue and easy to learn, purely as a hobby.

“...,” Life doesn't always go as planned.

I've been thinking that especially lately.

The future I envisioned as a child must have been much brighter. But...

“Ah,”

While I was thinking that, someone approached Soleil and called out to him. It was Edward. As I thought, he was waiting for him after all. ...Although I understood that, they stayed there for a while, seemingly deep in conversation.

Soleil nudged Edward's shoulder and pointed down the corridor. He was probably telling him to go ahead.

It was only natural, as the next class was about to begin. However, he didn't move, as if resisting.

Just then, Ilya happened to pass by.

Of course, they called out to her, but it seemed the one who spoke wasn’t Soleil but Edward.

Ilya turned to face her fiancé and his friend, bowed slightly, exchanged a few words with them, and then quickly left.

Soleil and Edward watched her retreating figure.

 

... ... I didn't really understand what he wanted. As I tilted my head in confusion, Edward, apparently disappointed, shrugged his shoulders and walked away alone in the direction Ilya had come from. However, Soleil remained there for a while, continuing to watch his receding fiancée.

“?”

The strange thing was what happened afterward.

Soleil turned on his heel and walked in the opposite direction from Edward. In other words, as if following Ilya.

But then, mercilessly, the signal for class to begin sounded. Ilya would definitely attend class, so it was clear that they wouldn't meet up or talk after this.

In conclusion.

 

“...He was waiting for Lady Ilya.”

 

Understanding the situation, I realized I couldn't afford to linger and hurried off to my next class.

Did Soleil have some business with Ilya? The mystery remained, but I would never know the answer.

I wasn’t their friend.

 

I couldn't become their friend.

 

**********

 

Does misfortune really come so quietly? Or was its shadow visible all along, and I just didn't notice it?

 

Even if we couldn't become friends, I at least wanted to escape the position of being complete strangers. With that thought in mind, I decided that my mother was the only one I could talk to, and that's when my father said to me:

 

“Your mother is ill.”

 

At first, I simply thought she had just caught a cold. I figured she'd be better soon. But my father seemed much more serious, his demeanor much more somber. The furrow between his eyebrows spoke volumes.

“What's wrong?”

Even when I asked, I didn't get a clear answer.

He hesitated, and his eyes, usually so sharp they would make me flinch, wandered, making me realize the situation was quite serious.

Come to think of it, she hadn't shown up for dinner lately. But that wasn't particularly unusual. As the mistress of our household, being in high demand for evening gatherings was actually quite an honor.

In any case, there was nothing I could do to help, even though I worried she might be tired.

I was always impressed by how she always fulfilled her duties late into the night.

And yet...

Could it be that she was feeling unwell...?

 

“Since when?”

As soon as I returned from the academy, my father, who was unusually home at that time, came out to the entrance hall, but it didn't seem to be out of love. He seemed to be in a great hurry.

He was so flustered that I had no choice but to accept, albeit with some skepticism, the fact that my mother was ill.

I looked up at him, clinging to his seemingly reliable chest, and he said,

“Actually, she's been sick for quite some time. But because she's the kind of person she is, she didn't want to show her weakness. So I kept it a secret from you.”

I knew my mother's character. That's why I understood my father's point of view.

But whether I could accept it was a completely different matter.

The steward, who was standing nearby, certainly knew about my mother, and presumably the higher-ranking servants were aware of it too. Anger welled up before sadness at the fact that I hadn't been informed of something so important.

And yet, my body temperature wasn't rising; it was dropping. My vision blurred, and my chest ached.

I was overwhelmed by an inexplicable emotion that I couldn't even explain.

“She'll get better, won't she? What did the doctor say?”

My father's large hands stroked my head, then moved to cup my cheeks. Those hands, usually so reassuring, somehow stirred up anxiety.

My father's handsome face, kind yet dignified, came closer and he brushed my forehead against his. I remembered him doing that when I was little and he took my temperature.

Even when I was sick, vulnerable, and lonely, it was comforting.

That's why, even without a clear answer from him, I understand it myself.

 

Mother is dying.

 

“Marianne. Come here.”

 

A voice called from beyond the canopy, and I quietly approached. Thinking about it, it had been two weeks since I'd even seen her face.

My mother, leaning against a large cushion and her body half-raised, was a little thinner, but still as radiant as ever, even the dimly lit room working to her advantage. Her beauty was so overwhelming I could barely look at her directly.

As I climbed onto the bed, her arms greeted me, and I leaned my face against her chest. On the bedside table beside the bed, which didn't budge even with our combined weight, a small but magnificent clock ticked away.

Tick, tick, tick, tick.

Each time I heard the sound, and with each tick, my mother's life was diminishing.

How much longer is left?

“You look so downcast,”

Her voice was hoarse. My father, sometimes joking with my mother who was surprisingly talkative, would say, “You're a little bird that sings a lot,” to which she would retort sarcastically, “You're a silent tiger, aren't you?” They would look at each other and laugh, seemingly enjoying themselves.

I’m going to lose that ordinary, unremarkable everyday life.

 

“Are you going to leave me behind, Mother?”

 

As I spoke, the words seemed to take shape and sink into reality. The world was fading, yet this wasn't a lie, nor a dream.

“Yes, that's how it usually is. Parents usually finish their lives before their children.”

I'm just leaving a little early. Her red lips curved softly.

 

“Why? Why would you, Mother?”

 

I feel like I could stomp my feet like a little child. I want to scream and cry, maddened by things not going my way. I won't allow this to happen. Absolutely, absolutely not. Why, why...

It's so painful, like my throat is being squeezed. I'm sobbing even though I'm not crying.

Then, unable to hold it in any longer, a single tear rolls down my cheek and falls onto the sheets.

“No. Absolutely not. It'll be alright, won't it? It'll be okay, won't it?”

I cling to her, sinking myself into her bony body. Then, “Oh dear,” the flower of high society, enveloped in the elegant fragrance of a collection of white lilies, smiled wryly. I believed that with her by my side, there was nothing I couldn't achieve.

I truly believed that if she taught me, I could even fly.

 

“You already understand, don't you, Marianne? In this world, no matter how much you wish, sometimes your desires just won't come true. Effort is certainly not wasted, and the process of what you've done is very important. But that doesn't mean you can have everything. Sometimes the results don't follow.”

“...”

She spoke as if she had seen me at the academy.

“I understand. I had a girlhood just like yours.”

Having said that much, she picked up the glass on the tray by the bedside, apparently thirsty. Her gesture was polite, but her fingers seemed to be trembling. She quickly gripped it again, pretending it was nothing, but she couldn't hide it.

 

“Marianne. You know, people gain a lot in their lives, and at the same time, they lose a lot of things. That's what living is all about.”

“---I don't want to lose anything.”

Ilya and Ruby's faces appear in my increasingly distorted vision. And in front of me is my mother's face, its outline blurred and indistinct. They're all gone.

 

“You have to connect with someone to have a relationship with them. If you live with someone, you can't do it without losing something. You give, you have things taken away, you lose, and then you receive. It's okay to lose things. Even if you lose, something remains,” my mother assured me.

“...What is that something that remains?”

 

“Even if I lose my life, I will always continue to love you.”

Even if you suffer in the future, don't forget. You are protected by my love.

Saying this, she kissed my forehead, as if bestowing a blessing.

“But I need mother's hands. Stay close to me and hold me.”

I must look utterly pathetic. I was truly unbearable to look at.

“In that case, Marianne, when the time comes, close your eyes. Even if I’ve lost my body, you will know that your mother is still by your side.”

It sounds like something out of a storybook. The reason why separation by death is so heartbreaking is because we know we'll never see each other again. Imagination can't possibly fill the void left by someone we've lost. Even so...

For now, all I can do is cling to my mother's words.

Even if our bodies perish, our hearts will never be separated.

 

“Mother,”

“Yes?”

“I love you. I adore you. ...Please don't go,”

 

Please don't go.

 

And so, a week later, my mother passed away.

 

Despite being such a flamboyant person, her funeral was conducted very solemnly. Only a small number of relatives and close friends gathered at the church. Apparently, this was my mother's own wish.

It was just like her, a proud woman. In a world where it's common to have extravagant funerals to show off one's authority, it makes sense that my mother, who insisted on something “unique” and “her own,” chose a simple funeral.

My father probably wanted an overly grand and solemn ceremony, but in the end, he granted the wishes of his beloved. I know that the reason he ordered such elaborate carvings on the coffin, at the very least, was because he wanted to prepare something that would suit my mother best.

 

“Marianne, have you said goodbye to your mother?”

 

After the funeral, the coffin, suspended by ropes, sinks into a deep pit.

She's all alone in a place like that. I wondered if she won’t be lonely.

 

“Father, Mother said she would always be with me. So I don't want to say goodbye.”

“Oh, is that so? That's a problem.”

“?”

“She belongs to me. She's always by my side.”

 

My father winked, and I wondered what kind of reaction he was expecting.

“You're a terrible father. I'm sorry, but mother loves me the most.”

“Oh dear.”

I sensed a faint laugh beside me, and after a brief pause, I heard stifled sobs.

“To leave father behind... That's not like you, Mother...”

After sand was dropped into the hole, mother fell into an eternal sleep. Those soft fingertips will never caress my cheek again.

Even so.

If I close my eyes, I can feel my mother there.

 

Some time later.

My father welcomed a woman and a boy into our home.

 

 

Chapter 67

Nocta's comment: 

The chapter begins with rain and ends with a funeral... and just when you thought it couldn't get any more depressing, surprise! Infidelity (Or not, wait for the next chapter, drama and mysteries incoming)

Chapter 67

 9 – Marianne’s Truth – 6

 

Through my conversation with Ruby, I pondered whether I should distance myself from Ilya after all, and waited for time to pass.

I spent a gloomy time wondering if this is what it feels like to be a criminal waiting for things to cool down.

And then...

 

The turning point came in the spring when I was sixteen.

One day, Ruby suddenly appeared at our house.

Needless to say, it was extremely impolite for a viscount's daughter to visit an earl's household without any prior notice. Normally, one would first send a letter or a messenger to ask for permission to visit.

But she didn't do that.

While Ruby behaves as if family ties didn’t matter at the academy, the moment she steps outside the school grounds, she follows the customs of aristocratic society. If she meets someone in town, she always starts with a greeting and never fails to show respect.

That's precisely why she became such a trustworthy friend. It was only natural that I was somewhat taken aback by her unexpected behavior.

 

“I apologize for my impoliteness, Lady Marianne.”

 

The girl led into the reception room was dressed very simply. Looking at her feet, I noticed she was wearing boots. The dirty toes made me tilt my head in confusion at how different she looked from usual.

What made me feel even more uneasy was the imposing knight towering behind Ruby. He was probably a bodyguard, but he seemed somewhat different from the knights our family usually employed. This man surely wasn't a knight meant to protect someone.

His undeniable presence suggested he was a knight meant to take up his sword and fight in unforeseen circumstances.

 

“I don't have much time so...”

 

Her cheeks were devoid of color, and her expression vas stiff and rigid. I loved her round, softly rosy cheeks, but she seemed to have lost weight without me noticing.

“Ruby?”

I called her name, but couldn't find the words. I didn't know what to ask. Everything about my friend in front of me was different than usual. Did her tightly tied-up hair have some significance?

I gestured for her to sit on the sofa, and she glanced at her guard before sitting down hesitantly.

It seemed strange that she was so wary of her own knight guard.

 

“What is wrong?”

I instructed the maid who was standing by to prepare tea, and then sat down at the opposite of my friend.

“Um, actually...”

Her small lips moved as if trying to breathe air. She seemed unable to form the words properly. I couldn't tell if she was in a hurry or panicked, but a light sheen of sweat was beading on her forehead.

She seemed restless, and there was even a sense of urgency, as if she were being chased by someone.

To help her feel a little more at ease, I moved seats and sat down next to her. This way, I could hear her voice more clearly.

“Dismiss everyone.”

When I gave this order to the maid who brought the tea, she replied, “Understood,” and urged Ruby's guards to leave. Perhaps because she has served me for a long time, she understands what I want to do and say without me having to explain everything from A to Z, which is very helpful.

 

“...So? What happened?”

 

I turned back to Ruby once we were alone in the room.

I calmed her down and placed the teacup in her hand. She picked it up with trembling fingers and took a small sip. I watched her silently. The girl sighed, looked up at the sky, and closed her eyes.

After counting one, two seconds, she straightened her posture and slowly opened her eyelids. She looked at me without making a sound. She was about to confide in me about something so important that it required her to prepare herself before telling me.

 

“I have to leave the academy.”

 

In stark contrast to her demeanor just moments before, she spoke in a flat, emotionless tone. Perhaps she had to maintain that composure, or she might have burst into tears. My agitated face was reflected in her red eyes.

“Why?”

My voice, squeezed out, sounded terribly weak. It was a voice I'd never heard before.

Ruby placed the cup she had been holding back on the saucer, and this time with a troubled expression,

“We're getting married,” she said in a single word.

“Married?” I couldn't understand what she meant, so I could only repeat her words.

The air in the room seemed to gain mass, weighing heavily on my back. I felt a chill, so I rubbed my hands together. I was clearly flustered.

 

Leaving the academy to get married.

 

How wonderful it would have been if this had been her own choice.

But it was abundantly clear that this wasn't her own decision. Her exhausted face, showing she'd been crying all night, proved it.

“It seems my future husband isn't feeling well, and he wants to get married as soon as possible... They requested it.”

“...I see.”

“To begin with, I was only allowed to attend the academy thanks to my husband's kindness. So, if he tells me not to attend the academy anymore, I have no choice but to comply.”

Even though they hadn't signed a marriage contract, she was already calling her fiancé “husband.”

The red stone on her left ring finger reflected the sunlight streaming in through the window in a dark way. It was an unusually extravagant piece of jewelry. The reason she had been buying new shoes one after another became clear. It was a gift, probably.

“May I ask what it all means?”

When asked, she nodded and said, “The territory that our family was granted by His Majesty the King...the land itself is barren, and not many crops grow there. Nevertheless, we were able to make a living by selling handicrafts and such. However, due to the recent recession and the soaring cost of raw materials, even that has become difficult. We can no longer make handicrafts at all. And there is nothing to replace them with. ---In short, our family has failed in managing the territory.”

It seemed like a very abridged explanation, but I supposed that's all she could say to an outsider.

“There was someone who offered to help, and as collateral, I was to marry him,” that's what she said.

She said her fiancé was a merchant, so for him, it was probably a marriage to enhance his social standing. Even if he himself wasn't granted a title, his connection to a viscount's daughter would be a powerful backing. Even if the viscount's family was impoverished, the title itself held meaning, and it seems to be quite alluring.

“Such a sacrificial marriage proposal...”

I blurted out what I was thinking and quickly covered my mouth. Ruby widened her eyes slightly and chuckled.

“It's so rare to hear Lady Marianne make such a slip of the tongue, I couldn't help but laugh.”

Then, as if unable to contain herself, she burst out laughing, her eyes softening. I thought it was unusual to see such a relaxed laugh, but then she covered her mouth with both hands as if to hide her smile. With a final sigh, the contours of her eyes slowly softened.

Not a single sound escaped her lips, but her shoulders were trembling.

“Ruby...!”

I called her name, not knowing what to say. She nodded in response, but still seemed to be trying to hold back tears, taking deep breaths.

After a moment, she wiped her eyes and said, “No matter how many times I cry... tears never run dry.”

Yet, tears that she couldn't stop flowed down her cheeks, and she sobbed, “Even if I cry, I can't get back what I've lost.” Then another drop fell, landing on her knees.

 

“We received several offers of financial assistance. Some even offered purely monetary support, saying that we could repay them with interest once our business stabilized.”

Hearing only that, one might readily accept, but something about it seemed suspicious. In fact, she is here precisely because that offer fell through. When pressed for more details, it seemed the offer itself had indeed been dropped. At that time, it appeared that Ruby's fiancé had advised and supported her parents.

“My parents and my husband are old friends. So, I've heard that at first, they simply asked for his advice.”

It seems that somehow, that progressed into talks of a marriage proposal with Ruby.

 

“My parents said I could choose. They said it was up to me to choose whatever I wanted. —That's what they said to me when I was eight.”

I didn't know the Ruby from that time. She must have been just as intelligent as she is now. Smart, clever, and bright. She must have studied hard. Even so...

What could a mere eight-year-old child possibly choose?

“Of course, I said I didn't want to go. Naturally. I never even considered marrying a man older than my father.” But,

“One winter, a cold wave worse than usual struck the territory, causing many deaths. The villagers were starving like never before.” The business had failed, the workers had been lost, and there was nothing to eat. The debt was piling up without limit. The young girls who remained on the territory were being sold into servitude. All she could do was watch as her parents racked their brains trying to come up with a solution.

“That's when I remembered. The marriage proposal with my husband.”

“...”

“I was ten years old.”

My friend, who had lowered her gaze, was no longer crying. Only anguish was visible in the red corners of her eyes, which looked painful to the touch.

“I asked my father and he contacted him, and my husband simply replied that there was nothing to worry about...”

She said he was a very wealthy merchant, so he could save their territory from its predicament. In other words, he was a benefactor to her and her parents. —And yet, it all feels like a setup.

“Please don't say anything, Lady Marianne.”

How much of this was the man's doing? Ruby and her parents must surely have a hunch.

“I've already made my choice.”

Words fail me.

Because I neither have the capacity nor the right to criticize her choice. I also lack the power to save her, her family, their territory, or their people.

 

It's too late now.

“Don't make that face, Lady Marianne.”

It’s too late now, what can I do?

 

“I may look like this, but I'm not pitiful,” Ruby said, straightening her back and picking up the cup with her slender fingers. She took a deep breath through her nose, savoring the taste, and swallowed.

“It's delicious,” she said, narrowing her eyes and basking in the pleasure.

“In the end, I just can't give up this kind of life,” she added. I knew she wasn't being sincere. I also sensed that she was putting on a brave face.

She was to marry a much older, wealthy man, whom she would call “husband,” for the sake of her family. Moreover, he already had two wives and presumably several children. She was filled with anxiety.

However, such things weren't uncommon.

Marriage for the sake of family transactions wasn't limited to women; men sometimes married women they didn't love for the sake of their family's survival and prosperity.

 

There is only one wish, no matter what.

That the person I choose to be my partner is kind.

If only they were, I would believe that I would not be treated unfairly.

 

“Well then, I must go now.”

 

When my friend suddenly stood up, I asked, “Already?”

She replied without hesitation, “We're planning to leave immediately.” It seemed she was in a hurry after all.

The sudden turn of events left me speechless. I hastily stood up, following Ruby, but in my agitation, I bumped my leg on the table. “Oh,” I said, grabbing the hand of the person who caught me.

 

Her fingers were cold.

 

We ended up clinging to each other, gazing into each other's eyes at a distance so close our breaths touched.

“...Lady Marianne,”

“Yes,”

“May I hug you just once?”

“Yes, of course.”

A woman smaller than me gently embraced me, enveloping me in her arms. Soft, yet tight. The perfect balance; I could break free at any moment, yet I felt as if I wanted her to stay like that forever.

I involuntarily blurted out, “Don't go.”

Without hesitation, she shook her head and said, ‘No,’ before letting go, “We've already received the loan. We borrowed it on the premise that I would get married, so I must go. There is no substitute. Money cannot repay this. That's... our agreement.”

“Such... a path with no other option... it's impossible.”

I watched Ruby's wavering eyes.

The thought crossed my mind that perhaps asking my father might solve something. But Ruby’s husband wasn't just any wealthy man. He was a well-known figure in high society, favored by the upper nobility. On the other hand, I'd heard rumors that he was quite forceful in business dealings. He showed no mercy to those who opposed him. He was not someone I could afford to make an enemy of.

Should I put my family in danger for Ruby's sake?

 

I couldn’t.

 

“Lady Marianne.”

“...”

“It's not that I had no choice. We always have two paths. A path where we choose from several options, and a path where we choose nothing. There was a path before me, and I could have chosen nothing. If I had, all I would have had to do was wait for ruin. That would have been easier. But I chose the path of survival,” Ruby said. “So please, I beg you. Now, won't you give me some charity?”

“...Charity?”

“Yes. Please tell me. Telle me that I will definitely be happy.”

 

Ruby used to say my kindness was like charity. She said that because I had something, I could give the surplus to others. But ultimately, that hurt people.

That's why I discipline myself to be careful. It's a social norm that no one should give charity indiscriminately.

Charity should be given only to those who need it.

She's not lacking anything. Yet, she wants charity.

And then, as I was at a loss for words, my only real friend rubbed salt into the wound.

 

“And then, say goodbye. So that we will never meet again.”

 

“I can't,” I replied, but she pressed on, “No, you must.”

That's right. I already know. If we part here, we will never meet again.

I know what kind of family she married into and what kind of person her husband is.

He's a troublesome person.

That's precisely why he's someone we nobles must not underestimate, and we must not approach him carelessly. A young girl like me, with a title but no real power, would be trampled over more easily than twisting a baby's arm.

 

“You will not make a mistake in judgment. Therefore, this is where we part ways.”

 

I pulled her body closer again and hugged her tightly. I heard a sob in my ear.

“Ruby. You will definitely be happy.”

“Yes,”

“Definitely, it will be alright.”

 

Definitely,

 

The words I repeated seemed hollow as they faded towards the ceiling. What I was giving wasn't true kindness. Charity ends once you give. I understood all too well that there was nothing beyond that.

 

****************

 

I always thought I had made the wrong choice.

But...

---The path with choices, and the path of choosing nothing. Which path was I really walking?

 

Ruby taught me.

 

Even choosing nothing is a choice in itself.

 

Chapter 66                                                            Chapter 68