Chapter 24

If this is the real end – 7

 

I exhaled, and a big air bubble escaped from my lips.

It’s painful, I can’t breathe.

As I thought that and opened my mouth wider, another bubble rose. My throat opened to inhale air. But my lungs didn’t expand. Instead, I felt like throwing up as my lungs were pressured by a squeezing weight.

Even though I wanted to cough, one bubble after another left my mouth and that choking sensation didn’t change. Or I should rather say, I couldn’t breathe.

           

A disagreeable burbling sound echoed as a bubble extended and covered my face.

When I stretched out my arms in anguish, something coiled around my body shook greatly and went away. But it returned to its former position the next second and bound me.

My hands reached out, my fingers broke through something and felt the air. A splashing sound echoed in the distance.

At that moment, I finally realized where I was.

           

I was sinking. I was submerged inside the water. In other words, I was drowning.

I hadn’t noticed until that moment because I had lost consciousness. I probably woke up abruptly because my body was warning me. It warned me that if things continued like this, it would die.

When I remembered I was taking a bath until a moment ago, then naturally, I understood I was in the bathtub.

           

I tried to straighten my posture with one hand and stretched out the other to support my body, but it wasn’t going well. The palm of the hand that should have used the bottom of the bathtub for support didn’t stop slipping.

Finally, one of my legs lost its footing and made a loud noise as it broke through the water surface. Following it, the other foot sank and made an even louder sound.

As I kept struggling, my upper body remained completely submerged, and yet, I felt the pain going away. I thought that perhaps my consciousness was becoming hazy, but I had no way to confirm it.

In the first place, I was inside the water and all the boundary lines around me were vague and fuzzy. Even the fact I was drowning, I wasn’t sure if it was real or not.

 

“… …. ! ….dy! …. La… dy!... Ah, lady…..!! My lady!!”

 

I could see someone’s face beyond the blurry water surface. I couldn’t make out their traits because of the blurriness, but from their figure it was probably a maid.

Did she notice the sounds, or did she come check the situation because I was taking too long? While repeatedly calling out to me, she was plunging her arms in the bathtub, trying to lift me up.

But it was impossible for a woman alone to raise a person with a similar stature.

My body further sank to the bottom of the water. I intended to swallow my breath in one gulp but a large quantity of water entered my throat. I felt my vision getting darker.

 

“…. Someone! Someone!!”

 

The sound was muffled, but I could hear the maid call for help. It seemed my ears were still working.

Soon, several maids came, alarmed by the noise and I was finally rescued from the bathtub. That’s what I like to say, but it was only to the extent of extracting my upper body from the water.

When I grabbed the arm of a maid while coughing violently, I noticed she was trembling. The maid looking at me with a face that had lost all its color was Merge. Her heartbroken gaze distorted by pain pierced my chest.

While I kept coughing again and again, quite struggling to catch my breath, at the same time, I was thinking with a cool head. I couldn’t believe I made such a blunder.

 

Taking a bath by myself was not commendable, but drowning in the bathtub wouldn’t simply end with turning it into a laughing matter.

As I was no longer a child, all the responsibility lay with me. The daughter of a noble should borrow the help of maids to bath. At least, someone should have stayed in the bathroom.

Because I was the next marquise. Protecting myself was an obligation imposed as a “duty.” In other words, it meant I had to do my utmost to protect myself.

I ought to have known this and yet… “… fu” Did I expire in order to escape from the pain, or was it to scorn my own idiocy? Even that, I no longer knew anymore.

 

Before long, another maid at my back wrapped a towel around me. The towel was just fine to warm up the shoulders that had become cold, however, because almost half of it was sinking in the bathtub, it was very heavy.

Being unable to stand by myself left me stunned. From both sides of the bathtub, two maids tried to pull me but it didn’t go well, and my body, which had been scooped up after great pains, once again fell into the water.

My body seemed to be complaining as if it had lost its bones and refused to listen to me. A sigh unintentionally leaked from my mouth and my lips half sank into the water. At that moment.

 

Bang!

 

The door that should have been closed was flung open and a man with golden hair rushed into the room. That his forehead was covered in sweat wasn’t just my imagination. 

 

“Sir Alfred!”

 

The one who raised her voice was Merge, who was supporting my strengthless body.

She increased the number of towels wrapped around me, trying to hide my body from Al’s eyes. But he wasn’t the last bit perturbed and walked to the middle of the room, pushing Merge aside.

Not caring about her who once again screamed “Sir Alfred!” he scooped me up from the bathtub.

 

I was also fully aware that it wasn’t a good thing to expose my skin to someone of the opposite gender even if he was my escort, but it was also true that I felt relieved.

My feet had become swollen and dull, I couldn’t feel any sensation from them.

 

“Why did you let her enter alone!” Moving his gaze to Merge, Al roared in a deep voice.

 

“…Tha-that’s….” Merge, who immediately started stumbling on her words, wandered her eyes in the room.

 

“… It was me who said I wanted to bath alone.”

 

Besides, Merge wasn’t there a while ago. When I added this while suppressing a light cough, Al’s lips tightened and he shook his head.

 

“I heard they were excellent maids, but it seems not to be the case,” he suddenly said in a matter-of-fact tone.

“I don’t think an excellent maid would do all and everything her master orders from her.” He sounded as if his voice didn’t contain any warmth. But I understood he was wrapped in wrath.

 

“I am sorry, Al. It is my fault.”

The maids who were on the receiving end of Al’s sharp glare were completely shriveling. So as much as possible, I tried to say that in a bright tone instead of them, who became completely unable to answer.

But I couldn’t do it well and quivered on the last words. It was natural as I nearly died.

Whether he was aware of this or not, Al flatly rejected my words with a voice devoid of emotion.

 

“There is no need for my lady to apologize.”

 

He easily held me up in his arms as if the struggling of the maids a while ago was a lie.

Then, in a careful motion, he carried me out. The maids who had a bad expression when Al, a person of the opposite sex, had entered the bathroom, watched him in silence, understanding the help of a man was necessary.

 

To begin with, I was in the bathroom adjacent to my room, so when we came out of the changing room, we directly reached my bedroom. There was nobody here.

Just when we were about to leave the bathroom, a maid had put a gown on me, who was held in Al’s arms. She probably thought that a towel was not enough.

Al gently put me down on the bed and withdrew after saying “I will come back later.” He gave me time to put on clothes.

 

I exhorted my body, which had lost all its strength, and when I rose up my upper body, the gown fell off.

This time, night clothes were handed over to me. I didn’t confirm who had given them and passed my arms through the sleeves.

At that moment, a trembling voice said, “My lady, I deeply apologize….” Not looking at my face and keeping her head bowed very low, the person who spoke was Merge.

Because she was the one with the most seniority among the maids who happened to be present, she probably was apologizing on behalf of them all.

“I said it before, but you don’t have to worry about it. Because it was me who said I wanted to be alone.” My vague consciousness was also returning. My fingers didn’t shake and I was able to speak clearly. This made me feel unbelievably relieved.  

 

I didn’t die. … …. I was still alive.

 

“I am sorry.” While I said that in a light tone to prevent the atmosphere from becoming too heavy and awkward, I touched Merge’s shoulder.

When I did that, she suddenly raised her head and said, “Please stop….!”

Then, she escaped my hand and took two, three steps back. Although it was only just a small distance, that was enough to prevent us from touching each other.

She was supposed to be close, and yet, for some reason, I felt she was very far away.

 

The other maids had left when I wasn’t aware of it and now, only the two of us remained in the room.

In the bedroom that had become deadly silent, her voice that had regained her calm echoed.

 

“… There is no need for an apology. Because it is me who failed my duty as a maid.”

 

Seeing her like this, I understood she was really regretting it. But my mind was dominated by the dream I saw when I was swallowing water inside the bathtub.

The sensation of losing everything the moment I died. That shock.

Even though I’ve experienced it enough times to get tired of it, I still couldn’t get used to it. It was so distressing, painful and sorrowful I couldn’t help it. This couldn’t be expressed with words.

I wonder why that moment when you were on the verge of dying bestowed people so much agony?

I prayed many times to at least be granted a gentle death. Every time I died I was always thinking about this.

           

While my thoughts wandered aimlessly, I muttered “But, I am the one at fault.”

Not only this time. Always, I’m always calling misfortune on myself.

Even though I have lived so many lives, repeated everything so many times, even though I might have been offered an amendable life… … I cannot live well.

 

“Spilling ink, drowning in the bath… I am really beyond help.”

             

I intended to say it as a self-depreciation but unexpectedly my voice came out in a grave intonation.

The shoulders of Merge, who had once again lowered her head, swayed a little and she raised her face suddenly. Her hand strongly clutched her chest. As if it was painful.

Her collar, which was usually straightened, was twisted and squashed by her palms.

 

“Merge?”

“Why, my lady, why are you… so kind? It wouldn’t have been strange to rebuke me for what I did. Rather than entrusting it to the other maids, I ought to have stayed at your side and yet…!”

 

Merge made an expression like she was about to cry at any moment, even though Al’s condemnations earlier had been much fiercer.

It was really rare for her who always keeps her calm. The woman who spent time together with me when I was young always had calm eyes.

Being alone together with her, who was usually constantly attending to Silvia, was a rare situation.

I didn’t know what to say to cheer her up. If I spoke now, my words would reflexively become, “You are Silvia’s maid, so you do not have to worry about this.”

           

However, those words I planned to say stayed stuck in my throat and refused to come out.

If I say them right now, they will definitely be taken as sarcasm.

Because I understood this, no matter what, I mustn’t say them.

Even though she might have wanted me to blame her. I didn’t want to say such words.

Like how Marianne and Merge just now had described me, I wanted to become a tolerant person. Someone who can forgive everything, love everything, confer kindness to everyone.

           

I’ve always wanted to become that kind of person.

 

*********************

 

In the end, the sole words I managed to say to Merge, who kept apologizing, were “Thank you.”

With a smile on my face, I told her I was grateful for her consideration. I knew that by doing this, everything would be settled nicely.

When you are in the middle of a conversation with someone, if you cannot understand your partner’s intention, for the time being you could stop the discussion by giving them your thanks.

If you do that, in most cases, you will avoid settling an uncomfortable mood between you.

However, despite my smile, I couldn’t convince Merge.

 

Even though she was the one who taught me that when I was a child.

 

“At all times, you are a lady.”

 

In other words, a lady ought to always wear a smile and carry herself properly, that should have been what she meant.  

… … I was doing it properly, right? I instinctively swallowed back those words.

Merge gazed at my face for a while, but then she sighed and deeply lowered her head. Then, keeping her head bowed like this, she left the room as if she was trying to break off from my line of sight.

The brief moment before she turned her back from me, she clearly showed a hurt expression.

            

Wait, I was about to call out. Do not go, I almost said. 

That’s right, the one who left the other behind wasn’t me. The one who threw me away was Merge.

And yet, for her to be making an expression like she was being abandoned, it was unfair.

           

I lied down on the bed, took a deep, deep breath and closed my eyes.

 I was the noble’s daughter of a third-ranked earl house, and the fiancée of Soleil, heir of a marquis family.

So, I mustn’t be shaken by such a thing. I must keep my composure. I mustn’t let anyone sense my wavering heart. I mustn’t be perturbed by anything, rather, I must boast of the strength to coerce my opponents.

Because I had been raised to become such a person.

           

But, why. Why can’t I suppress my sorrow?

 

“… I was told that you drowned in the bath.”

 

Merely a few minutes after Merge had left my room, my mother appeared.

Mother was making a difficult expression, but more than looking worried, she seemed to be brooding over something.

 I was about to get up but she told me to remain as I was, so I ended up looking up at her who had sat on the bed side.

When I suddenly sensed a gaze on me and looked toward the corner of the room, I saw my escort knight there. I guess he entered with mother.

Although he was frowning, he wasn’t angry. Rather, he was probably anxious about me.

Because we have been together for a long time, I completely understood how kind he was. In the past, I misread this feeling and ended up losing him.

 

“You are not feeling unwell, right?”

 

When I acquiesced to my mother’s inquiry, that person heaved a huge sigh and held down her forehead.

 

“… Mother?”

“Do not make me worry.”

 

Seeing the sorrowful appearance of my muttering mother with her head lowered like this, somewhat, my heart got warmer.

Even though she usually didn’t care about me, it seemed that she became worried this time. Knowing that cleared my heart.

Just when I thought it was unscrupulous of me to have those thoughts and I was about to smile at her,

 

“Having to worry only about that child is enough.”

 

I fully understood mother’s words. The smile I was about to show was destroyed in an instant.

Still, my lips somehow managed to form a gentle line. My teeth were colliding against each other, as if I was trembling in the cold.

I raised my face wondering if my unrest had been perceived, but mother was still making the same difficult expression.

A thought crossed my mind. Maybe the words I heard earlier were just an auditory hallucination.

But,

 

“It is troubling for me.”

 

If even you are like this, it’s troubling, were the words she spat out, the words that fell on me.

A sigh was supposed to be lukewarm, and yet, why was it so terribly chilly?

Those words glided over my cheeks, their sharpness slashing at my skin like they were cutting large pieces of ice.

Even if I knew this was just an illusion, the corners of my lips were distorted in pain. Even if this pain was an illusion, I understood that the words which felt out of mother’s lips, were real.

At once, I wanted to cover my ears and tried to raise my arms to do so. But my exhausted arms only moved a little bit before heavily sinking back on the sheets. They were heavy like lead.

As if trying to resist, my fingertips moved but they could only meaninglessly dig my nails into the fabric.

 

“Silvia also said she wasn’t feeling very well…”

 

When you think that child’s condition has become better, the next moment she gets worse, so you cannot be careless, she said as she lowered her eyebrows.

It was somewhat painful to see that expression of hers, and when I blinked once, the scene I saw earlier in the archives spread out in front of my eyes.

That child talking happily in the gentle sunlight. The figures of our parents chasing after that child.

I guess her condition worsened due to basking in the sun for a long time. Perhaps, even a gentle breeze that normally felt good might be very poisonous for Silvia.

At that time, mother… At that time when she was in the middle of that idyllic painting of happiness, mother probably didn’t care where I was. That mother who always had a grasp of Silvia’s whereabouts at any time.

For example, if Silvia’s figure were to disappear from her room, there was no doubt it would become a major incident and the estate would be overturned.

Mother would be determined to that extreme, she would become frantic. But when I disappear, it doesn’t become an uproar. That was the level of the value of my existence in that mansion.

           

Because anyhow, I was only a good belonging to the marquis on deposit here. That was what it meant to become Soleil’s fiancée.

           

Mother told me sadly, “Because this child is really frail.”

I could only agree with that, “… Yes, indeed.” My hoarse voice sounded awfully weak, but it seemed I was the only one who thought that.

“Drowning in the bathroom… what happened to you?”

I was hard pressed to answer this question. Her frowning face was clearly blaming me.

Though imperfect, you are somehow the fiancée of the marquis’ eldest son. She made her words very obvious to me. Stop doing something as embarrassing as drowning in a dark bathroom. That was what I heard her say.

“You cannot act like a spoiled child anymore.” I recalled the words of rejection bestowed on me by mother in my childhood.

           

I heaved a painful, very, very small sigh. I couldn’t breathe well, it felt like something was blocking my chest.

           

Even though I wasn’t drowning in the water, it felt like I was thoroughly sinking.

“My foot slipped,” when I tried to laugh, I also tried to feel it was really funny.

The sound resounded several times in the back of my throat. Like I was really laughing.

With a little sigh, mother said, “You are a helpless child.” Then, she slightly smiled wryly.

We were facing each other, eyes to eyes, a smile floating on our faces, and yet, our hearts were driven away somewhere far away.

However, I have probably shown mother the reaction she wanted from me. She didn’t blame me for anything else.  

           

Ah, I didn’t make a mistake, feeling relieved, I secretly stroked my chest in order to not let anyone notice.

 

“…. Madam, it will be about time soon.”

 

The one who broke the silence that felt between mother and I, was my escort who watched the course of the conversation from the corner of the room. He was surely concerned about me.

The atmosphere floating between mother and I couldn’t be described as calm. He couldn’t not notice it.

Mother swiftly turned her eyes away from me and showed a sweet-looking smile at Al, replying, “That’s true.”

Then, she slowly got up. From there on, she opened the door without turning back in my direction a single time. As if she couldn’t imagine I was staring at her back.

No, maybe… She didn’t turn back precisely because she knew.

           

My clinging gaze was like one of a young child seeking her mother’s warmth. It was irremediably pitiful and miserable.

 

“My lady, I deeply apologize.”

 

After mother left with the maid who had been waiting behind the door, Al, who remained in the room, suddenly lowered his head.

 

“… What are you apologizing for?”

 

It was only a genuine question, but it seemed it sounded differently to Al.

To my inquiry, he repeated, “… I deeply apologize,” and lowered his head again.

 

“All of you, you are always apologizing. I wonder, are you thinking so poorly of me?”

 

A laugher escaped my mouth, but for some reason tears welled up as well.

Al stared at my face without saying anything.

 

“Was it you who called mother?”

 

When I somewhat felt like asking this, Al shook his head and answered, “No.”

“So, it was Merge.” A sigh was mixed with the conclusion I drew from his reply.

“I should have stopped her,” squeezed out Al while swallowing his breath and pursing his lips.

In other words, his previous apology had a meaning.

           

However, I could somewhat understand that Merge’s action came from her kindness.

She probably had thought that since she was my mother, she would certainly help me. She was the person who employed the best maids for the sake of her daughter. A person who always did her best for her family.

Mother was a wonderful person. Because mother loved her family. Nobody can compare to that image of mother. It’s a “mother.” Just a mother. Nothing less, nothing more.

 

“From now on, you will be Soleil’s fiancée.”

“A happy future has been promised to you. Because you will become the wife of a marquis.”

“So, from today onwards, you are no longer the daughter of the earl family, you are the fiancé of the marquis’s heir.”

 

When it was decided I would become Soleil’s fiancée, mother said that.

It wasn’t like those words were said with indifference. Neither were they heartless. Mother wasn’t wrong. But…

 

“Al,”

“… Yes.”

“Al,”

“Yes.”

 

It was probably because he was in the bedroom of an unmarried woman, even if she was her master. Concerned by this, my escort stood at a distance, peeking at my expression as a bitter smile involuntary formed on his lips.

It was the same as in my past life. Although my hand was extended towards him, we weren’t even connected.

When I said I wanted him to come here, he didn’t go against my request.

 

“… My hand, can you hold it?”

 

My voice was ugly and distorted. My unreliable and trembling sigh made my vision sway.

It seemed I was about to start crying uncontrollably at this scene, which I remembered. It was the same as one of my previous lives.

Again, we were facing each other like this, the same way we did once someday. Similar to that time, he stood a few steps away from the bed and wouldn’t grasp my hand.

It’s because we both understood that if he were to do this now, we wouldn’t just be a master and her follower.

 

“No, it is nothing, I just wanted to try saying this.”

“… Yes, I understand.”

 

I cannot help but feel sad and pained. Even though I felt them countless times, I couldn’t believe how those emotions were almost crushing me. I couldn’t increase my tolerance towards them. I was always hurt like this every time. The depth of the pain I had to bear was always the same.

How comfortable would it become if I could throw away a thing like my heart?

           

If I could resign myself to not being loved by anyone. That way, everything would proceed more smoothly. 

 

“… Al, will you listen to my story?”

“Yes, naturally.”

“It is a story about me, Silvia and… our parents.”

 

… … It’s a story about me, who was unrelated to love from the moment I was born. When I said that, my heart constricted like it was assailed by an ominous feeling.

           

I wanted someone to listen. But I didn’t want anyone to listen.

I wanted someone to understand, but I didn’t want anyone to understand.

About my miserable life, about the life I lived while persuading myself I was surely loved.

I didn't want anyone to take it lightly and say that they understood it.

           

There had only been one sole person who had wanted to understand.

Because those black eyes always saw through everything.

 

“Silvia is a princess.”

“Yes,” acquiescing to what I said, he nodded deeply.

 

In the mansion, Silvia was indeed handled like this. By both my parents and the servants.

She was that kind of existence, because she was treasured like the apple of their eyes, like a precious gem.

However, the meaning of my words was different.

 

“No, Al. It is not a metaphor.”

 

Silvia is... a genuine... “princess.” And the protagonist of a story.

           

Al’s eyes were full of surprise and scrutinized my face. A tiny bit of uneasiness and fear were mixed in his gaze.

Most humans would probably show the same reaction as him when they touched the truth which should not be known.

 

“And I am a genuine, supporting character from a story.”

Chapter 23                                                   Chapter 25

Chapter 23

If this is the real end – 6

 

“My lady…! What happened?”

 

The one who discovered me sitting down covered in ink was an old maid. Even though usually no one would enter the archives, it seemed she had come on some whim.

As she entered, she was simply saying “It will soon be time to take a rest…” but when she saw me, she swallowed her breath and exclaimed in a loud voice, “Oh God…!”

Then, in a panic, she turned heels and locked the door. As long as my parents were outdoors, there was no other person that could enter or exit the archives. But in the unlikely event someone would open the door, she was probably worried they would catch a glance of my unsightly appearance.

Certainly, it was not a good thing to let the servants see me now. Because needless inquiries would be made to discover why I ended up like this. As the youngest servants’ loyalty was little, they had a loose tongue. And even those who have served for a longer time had moments of carelessness where they could let something slip.

If that were to happen, in the blink of an eye, bad rumors about me would spread. This situation of having stained your body with the spilled ink wouldn’t happen even to a young child. Because if you were an aristocrat, someone would always be by your side from your early childhood. If a situation such as spilling ink and dirtying your body occurred, it would be because of the blunder of the nearby person and not of the noble himself.

That was what it meant to be born a noble. Being under the patronage of someone was natural, being protected, cherished, and served by others wasn’t anything special. It was commonplace, a natural thing.

 

“Al is…?”

 

When I asked the question that floated in my mind, she answered with an apologetic expression, “…Sir Alfred has left the manor on an errand.”

           

… … I messed up.

           

In such circumstances, it wasn’t preferable to call someone from the opposite sex. I have to show the proper reaction. I have to take the suitable attitude as a noble.

Having reconsidered my thoughts, I shook my head.

 

“No, that is not what I mean… I am glad it was you.”

 

I am glad it was you who came, when I said that, the maid lowered her eyebrows and showed a small smile. She probably didn’t know what kind of expression to make.

           

I was all alone in that place. Even though I was a noble’s daughter, my figure smeared in ink offered a miserable sight. If there had been a person wanting to defame me here… they would probably be pointing their fingers at me while laughing.

 

“Is there anything to wipe with…” Extending a hand to me who was still sitting on the floor, the maid helped me up without caring about dirtying herself, then her eyes glided across the room.

“No, it’s alright.” When I declared so as I staggered on my feet, I met eyes with her anxious brown eyes. “… My lady, your face is ghastly pale. Are you feeling unwell?”

My back was gently stroked with sympathy. It made me feel like my wavering and swaying heart was sinking even more.

She had been serving our house for a long time. In fact, she was the maid who had been entrusted with taking care of Silvia. At first, Silvia’s wet nurse was supposed to carry out that duty. But her physical condition deteriorated and she went back to her home town.

Therefore, because of her long years of service, she was chosen as a substitute among the several employed maids. My parents had that much trust in her, and nowadays she was completely serving as Silvia’s attached maid.

           

But she was originally my exclusive maid.

 

One day, mother selected her out of many candidates to employ as a first-rate maid for me, who was to become the spouse of a marquis. So, she stayed with me since the day I became Soleil’s fiancé.

But despite this, there was no mention of anything. At some point, I didn’t even remember when exactly, little by little, she distanced herself from me. Father or mother might have issued the instruction to do so. I didn’t know what the reason was, nor did I feel like asking.

Because at this point, I knew it would be futile. 

           

But when I noticed it, I received a considerable shock. When I took a break from my studies and raised my head, the maid who should have always been by my side wasn’t there.

Thinking she had some kind of business to do, I didn’t pay it any mind, but she didn’t come back like usual. After spending several days like this, as expected I couldn’t continue to ignore that situation anymore, and I went to look for her.

The fact I didn’t ask anyone about her whereabouts was due to my conceit as her master. Since I, the master, didn’t know where she was, how could someone else know? … That was the thoughts I had.

Shortly after, I realized it was just a misunderstanding. I was reunited with her in the corridor just as she was exiting Silvia’s room. The maid revealed a guilty expression, just for a moment, before covering it up with a smile.

“Have you come to see Lady Silvia? Right now, Lady Silvia is resting,” she said. She told me this in an extremely natural tone. That’s why I understood that she was no longer mine.

Unable to accept it, when I casually appealed to mother, I was gently admonished, “If you are concerned about Silvia, then you should draw back, don’t you think so?” Because we’ll hire another maid for you. She was neither angry nor trying to reason with me, rather she warned me like how someone would persuade a little child. Her gaze was looking at me as if I was a hopeless, foolish child. She took it as if I was stirring troubles, behaving selfishly to prevent my maid from being taken from me.

Silvia is also important to you, right? She threw at me a question that didn’t allow anything but an affirmative answer. There was nothing I could say back.  

           

Even though in these repeating lives of mine, several discrepancies are born, at the point in time when Silvia and Soleil meet, I have already lost her.

 

“Considering the situation, it is probably preferable to prepare a hot bath. While I apologize for the inconvenience, can you fill the bathtub with hot water please?”  

 

I lightly wiped my hands with the cloth I brought to clean the dust from the book collection. Unable to see this and let it pass, the maid exclaimed with criticism hidden in her voice, “Lady! You mustn’t clean your hand with such a cloth…!”

It’s alright, it’s fine, I answered blandly, tidying up my skirt and wiping away the ink. A drop of ink that had yet to dry made a new stain on the floor.

“I apologize for dirtying this place. Cleaning everything is hard, isn’t it?” When I said that with a bitter smile, the maid creased her eyebrows.

“There is no need for my lady to apologize… Absolutely none.” It was unusual for that everlasting calmed maid to lose her composure.

Being told off in a slightly strengthened tone made a strained laugh escape from my mouth.

My conduct was probably flagrant to that extent. It wasn’t like I did it on purpose. But I couldn’t help it because for some reason, the image of the polished floor remained imprinted in my eyes. 

           

I mustn’t do anything that would inconvenience the servants, I must never take that attitude in front of a maid. I wasn’t that kind of person and I mustn’t become such a woman. I must always be calm, never lose my temper, and always wear a smile.

“Apart from that… I wish we had something to wipe with but…” The dust cloth I had with me had already been dyed deep blue.

But the maid shook her head a little and whispered, “… That’s not the point, that’s not what matters.”

I really didn’t know what the maid, who had lowered her head and was biting on the corner of her mouth, was thinking.

“… What happened?” When I asked her, she suddenly raised her head and strongly stated, “Please, accept my deepest apology. I will go prepare a hot bath.” For some reason her shoulders fell down and she had a depressed look. “Please, wait here for a little while, my lady,” she said that but I couldn’t bring myself to let her go in that state.

“…Merge.” Reflexively, I called out to her and she stopped. The maid, who turned back with her shoulders trembling in surprise, opened her eyes wide like she had seen something unbelievable.

“?” I tilted my head wondering what on earth happened to her, but then she muttered, “You remember it.” 

“I remember what?” Shaking her head like she was trying to get rid of her bewilderment, Merge took several steps back and smiled.

“No, it is nothing,” she replied as if truly, nothing had happened.

 

“… Do not try to dodge the question, Merge.”

 

I might not have paid any mind to her reaction if I had been in my usual state. Or if it had been the first me. I would have believed her words.

But I knew that when she had said there was nothing, it meant there was something. If it was really nothing, then there would have been not need to expressly say those words.

We stared at each other for a little while, but before long Merge let out a small sigh and explained, “About my name, I thought that you had already…”

Her last words were left unsaid, probably because she noticed it was out of bounds for a mere maid to say that. No servants would ask their master if he or she remembered their name. They shouldn’t mind such a detail, it was the right and liberty of the master whether to remember or not. That was how the master-servant relationship worked.

           

However, it wasn’t like the time spent together with her was so little and insignificant.

At the beginning I learnt a lot of things under her constant attendance. Because around the time when it was decided I would become Soleil’s fiancée, I was too young. I truly didn’t know anything, couldn’t do anything.

The one who taught me that even when I was simply sitting on a chair, I had to stay sharp and careful; was none other than this maid.

“Remembering it, isn’t it natural?”

           

My voice, which should have answered without letting any emotion show, strangely sounded a little cold. I couldn’t stop a self-mocking smile from appearing as I discovered I hadn’t been trusted so far.

Did she think I wouldn’t recall her or even her name? Did she stay at my side while thinking so all that time?

If that was the case, then it wasn’t father’s and mother’s fault if she went to serve under Silvia. She had surely given up herself. I could understand that much.

           

If I had to place the responsibility on someone, then as expected, it would be my fault.

 

“…. Lady,”

 

She called me with a slightly shaking voice.

 

“You were really good to me. That is why I am really grateful,” I told her.

 

Thank you, I added and laughed, my lips drawn in their never changing arc. It felt like my eyes, nose and mouth were drawn with ink on a piece of paper that had been stuck to my face.

It was a lot thinner than a mask. But also, a lot more suffocating.

Experiencing this all too familiar feeling, I deepened my smile.

Merge, who was staring at my expression, widened her eyes for a second, but the next one she lowered her head without saying anything. Then she left the archives atn a trot like she was fleeing.

No doubt there must have been something she had wanted to say. But in the end, she didn’t.

It made me realize how empty and vain this so-called relation of mutual trust was.

 

… … Now and even in the past too, I often saw her accompanying Silvia on her stroll.   

 

As Silvia wasn’t properly receiving a lady education, the master-servant barrier didn’t exist between them. It felt more like they were spending time together as friends. They seemed to laugh and discuss a lot.

 

“If the maid was a spy… then what do you intend to do?”

 

When I was still a young child, Merge said this to me. At that time precisely, there had been a maid I was close to. She was an exceedingly rare existence, a person who would accost in a friendly way even someone like me, a child who always kept her distance with all the servants employed in the estate.

It could also be said that because she was still young, she had yet to completely understand the rules of the master-servant relationship. However, because of her friendliness, I told her a lot of things about the feelings I had built-up. Like what books I just read, what I learnt from my private tutor, even up to the content of the dream I saw. 

           

She was a good listener, and she was also good at getting information out of me. I, who had never had a friend of the same age, told her about what kind of rooms there were in the mansion proudly. Because she would be delighted if I did so. Because she would make a happy expression.

Seeing me act like this, Merge tried to offer me honest advice. “Even if she isn’t a spy, what if there is such a person among her friends, her family or her relatives?” Her words that only showed doubts stuck to my mind.

I listened quietly as she told me I had to comprehend and deal with them by myself. Even though she didn’t teach me the answer, I understood properly.

She was saying I mustn’t be too intimate with the maid.

           

It was only a few days after receiving Merge’s counsel that I learnt that maid had resigned her job and left the mansion.

           

Saying that I wasn’t sad would be a lie. After seeing her off, I cried in my room. I did it secretly so as to not let anyone find out. I cried holding my voice down.

I didn’t want anyone to know I had been hurt by her departure.

           

Whether this maid had truly been an ill-intended person or not, I never knew. However, I remembered how she had told me, “Lady, please, cheer up,” when I was about to cry.

She had said she had a little brother quite apart in age from her. He had been suffering from an illness since many years ago and couldn’t even stand up so they needed a lot of money.

She had frankly narrated her life story. I didn’t know if it was true or not, but that person who smiled bitterly and said, “My lady and myself might be quite alike,” brought me a feeling of relief.

Even though I had a family, even though I wasn’t all alone in the world, I never could get rid of a sense of isolation and loneliness. That there was a person that would understand this saved me to some extent. Even if that had been a lie.

But in the end, what was important here wasn’t if she was an honest person or a liar.

           

It was how our surroundings would perceive it.  

           

Even if she was telling the truth, even if she was worth trusting. That had nothing to do with it.

The problem was that she hadn’t worked enough to gain the trust of the surrounding people.

If she hadn’t been a maid or a newly hired servant, the circumstances might have been different. But it hadn’t been the case.

 

*******************

 

About half an hour later, I was given a towel by another maid who had come to inform me the bath was ready. I couldn’t wipe away the ink that had already dried so I wrapped it around me and covered my whole body.

Then I quickly moved to the bathroom so as to not be seen by other people. Although I hadn’t done anything requiring a considerable amount of effort, I was exhausted.

Unexpectedly, worrying about things used a lot of strength.

           

While I was still absentmindedly lost in my thoughts, the maid helped me remove my stained clothes. Although it was casual attire, the way clothes for nobility were fastened was complex and taking them off alone would consume a lot of time. 

I quickly undressed and entered the bathroom, but then I stopped the maid who intended to follow me to help me bath.

The room itself was wide, but the bathtub was barely big enough to allow two people to go in at the same time. It was overflowing with hot water.

After pouring some on my body to lightly wash it off, I put the tips of my toes in the bathtub. It wasn’t too hot nor too lukewarm. The water was just at the perfect temperature.

I submerged myself up to my shoulders. The water seemed slightly murky, probably because of the ink that had remained on a place I couldn’t see.

 

Somehow, I was feeling really tired. When I sank until the water reached my mouth, droplets fell from the ceiling. As I absentmindedly gazed at the fallen droplets floating in the bathtub, they continued to fall and enter my field of vision one after the other. It almost looked like rain drops.

Each time I blinked, I felt that the amount of falling droplets increased. The water drops that rebounded on the surface of the water jumped into my faintly opened eyes.

For some reason, that feeling was familiar. When I closed my eyes while twisting my head, trying to remember it, my right cheek slowly sank into the water.

I was thinking I couldn’t stay like this, yet the darkness cut me off from reality.

 

*pitter patter*…

 

A scene rose on the other side of my consciousness. I saw my own arm stretched out. Because my palms were turned upward, my long nails were extended toward the sky. … My nails were?

Such a trivial detail was accompanied by a sense of discomfort. A daughter of a noble doesn’t have long nails. Because one of the taught subjects was how to play musical instruments. Whether it was string, keyboard or even wind instruments, most needed the performer to cut their nails short to play them.

From childhood I had been learning piano. Therefore, my nails had never been long.

But, right now, at the tip of my gaze, the nails of my stretched-out hands were long. Rather, they haven’t been trimmed. Here and there they were chipped, their forms were irregular and crooked.

 

After becoming aware of all these details, I noticed that my body almost couldn’t move. In addition, my eyes too couldn’t see well. Was my eyesight dropping, or was it physically hindered by something? It was probably both.

As I kept blinking again and again, I realized I was rolling on the ground. The reason I couldn’t see my surroundings well was because quite a strong rain was falling, and the street lights weren’t lit.

Big raindrops dashed and bounced on the bared ground not properly paved. The bouncing water hit my cheeks.

 I lay there impassively, waiting for time to pass as the strong rain nearly drowned my whole body.

 

… … Ah, I’m, again… I’m dying again.

 

I couldn’t remember clearly what had happened. I might have forgotten why I ended up rolling in this back alley, but my memories from even long before that might also be cloudy.

I wonder if I ended up like this because I was sick? Or was it because of an injury? Had I been assaulted by someone? Or, did I do this to myself?

I didn’t understand anything, but I knew it seemed to be too late now, I was about to die. Each time I closed my eyelids, the remaining time decreased.

The drops of water falling on my lips mercilessly flew into my mouth, so breathing was difficult and painful. But my tongue that stopped moving refused to or couldn’t spit them out.

 

I wonder how many times I’ve repeated my life? Even this was vague.

I want to take it easy. I want to throw away this damaged body and go somewhere.

And then, never come back here once again.

Even though that was what I thought… I will surely, again, return there, to this world.

 

“… Hel…p”

 

I said a word I didn’t know how many times I had repeated.

While I knew nobody would hear it, if God was here, I was praying it would reach them.

I tightly shut my eyes and waited for that moment.

 

“… It’s fine.”

 

The voice that echoed suddenly made my heart beat relentlessly. When I opened my heavy eyelids, I saw the tips of black shoes in front of me.

For a second, I thought it was a woman because the clothes coiled around that person looked like a skirt. But the voice I heard definitely belonged to a man. Besides, it was terribly familiar.

What he was wearing wasn’t a skirt, but a black robe. I recognized it. The hem of the robe that was swaying just above the ground wasn’t getting wet despite the rain. There wasn’t any mud on the shoes that were barely visible.

Since I had already lost my strength, I couldn’t move my head and confirm his face. But I was already convinced. I thought it was a nostalgic voice. His single sentence “it’s fine” that got lost in the sound of rainfall was heartrending.

Always, I’ve always been waiting for this. I’ve always been waiting for him to appear. For him to reveal himself only at the very last moment when I was on the brink of death, it was so…

He looked down at my face as he slowly crouched down. Because his head was covered by a big hood, I only saw his mouth. The pale color, the shape of his fine lips.

I recalled the days I spent with him. When was it that I revealed my secret to him? When was it that I gave up on my life when it was denied, when it wasn’t accepted? 

 

“… Finally.”

 

I wonder which one of us whispered this. The sound of the rain that knocked on the ground drowned it out, the words that were supposed to follow after this vanished.

           

This body that I couldn’t move even the slightest bit, Crow held it up in his arms.

Then, he gently whispered something close to my ears. I didn’t know whether his words held meaning or not.

Even though it was the first time we met in this life, I was surprised by how he was acting as if we were old friends.

But anyway, there was no longer anything that could be done and it didn’t matter anymore.

           

There was something I wanted to tell him. Crow probably didn’t want to know though. Somehow, I really wanted to convey this to him.

 

“There was… a meaning.”

 

I thought my voice would no longer come out, yet my dry tongue spined out those words. For some reason, that voice echoed clearly.

 

“There has… been… a reason.”

 

…why I wasn’t loved.

 

… … In one of my lives, at some point, Crow said, as there is no reason to love someone, isn’t there also no reason to not love someone? If that was the case, then no matter what you do, wouldn’t it be meaningless? If there was no reason, no meaning for not being loved, it was because there was no room to be loved.

           

But I knew. The reason why I wasn’t loved.

The reason why my parents never loved me and only loved Silvia.

In reality, I knew why.

           

I opened my lips to tell him, but it seemed I didn’t have any remaining energy left. I could only meaninglessly keep opening and closing them.

As if to soothe my chest, from which rose a painful whistling sound, Crow tenderly stroked my back. He gently calmed me, “It’s fine now.”

Abruptly, I felt that I no longer cared about anything. 

           

It’s fine now, it’s alright.

           

The repeated words resonated in my heart. It was what I wanted to hear.

I always, always wanted someone to tell me. I wanted that to be said.

I see, it’s already fine. When I thought so, my consciousness quickly faded away.

           

The sound of the rain continued to echo in my ears.

           

I was… …

Chapter 22                                                                   Chapter 24