Chapter 23

If this is the real end – 6

 

“My lady…! What happened?”

 

The one who discovered me sitting down covered in ink was an old maid. Even though usually no one would enter the archives, it seemed she had come on some whim.

As she entered, she was simply saying “It will soon be time to take a rest…” but when she saw me, she swallowed her breath and exclaimed in a loud voice, “Oh God…!”

Then, in a panic, she turned heels and locked the door. As long as my parents were outdoors, there was no other person that could enter or exit the archives. But in the unlikely event someone would open the door, she was probably worried they would catch a glance of my unsightly appearance.

Certainly, it was not a good thing to let the servants see me now. Because needless inquiries would be made to discover why I ended up like this. As the youngest servants’ loyalty was little, they had a loose tongue. And even those who have served for a longer time had moments of carelessness where they could let something slip.

If that were to happen, in the blink of an eye, bad rumors about me would spread. This situation of having stained your body with the spilled ink wouldn’t happen even to a young child. Because if you were an aristocrat, someone would always be by your side from your early childhood. If a situation such as spilling ink and dirtying your body occurred, it would be because of the blunder of the nearby person and not of the noble himself.

That was what it meant to be born a noble. Being under the patronage of someone was natural, being protected, cherished, and served by others wasn’t anything special. It was commonplace, a natural thing.

 

“Al is…?”

 

When I asked the question that floated in my mind, she answered with an apologetic expression, “…Sir Alfred has left the manor on an errand.”

           

… … I messed up.

           

In such circumstances, it wasn’t preferable to call someone from the opposite sex. I have to show the proper reaction. I have to take the suitable attitude as a noble.

Having reconsidered my thoughts, I shook my head.

 

“No, that is not what I mean… I am glad it was you.”

 

I am glad it was you who came, when I said that, the maid lowered her eyebrows and showed a small smile. She probably didn’t know what kind of expression to make.

           

I was all alone in that place. Even though I was a noble’s daughter, my figure smeared in ink offered a miserable sight. If there had been a person wanting to defame me here… they would probably be pointing their fingers at me while laughing.

 

“Is there anything to wipe with…” Extending a hand to me who was still sitting on the floor, the maid helped me up without caring about dirtying herself, then her eyes glided across the room.

“No, it’s alright.” When I declared so as I staggered on my feet, I met eyes with her anxious brown eyes. “… My lady, your face is ghastly pale. Are you feeling unwell?”

My back was gently stroked with sympathy. It made me feel like my wavering and swaying heart was sinking even more.

She had been serving our house for a long time. In fact, she was the maid who had been entrusted with taking care of Silvia. At first, Silvia’s wet nurse was supposed to carry out that duty. But her physical condition deteriorated and she went back to her home town.

Therefore, because of her long years of service, she was chosen as a substitute among the several employed maids. My parents had that much trust in her, and nowadays she was completely serving as Silvia’s attached maid.

           

But she was originally my exclusive maid.

 

One day, mother selected her out of many candidates to employ as a first-rate maid for me, who was to become the spouse of a marquis. So, she stayed with me since the day I became Soleil’s fiancé.

But despite this, there was no mention of anything. At some point, I didn’t even remember when exactly, little by little, she distanced herself from me. Father or mother might have issued the instruction to do so. I didn’t know what the reason was, nor did I feel like asking.

Because at this point, I knew it would be futile. 

           

But when I noticed it, I received a considerable shock. When I took a break from my studies and raised my head, the maid who should have always been by my side wasn’t there.

Thinking she had some kind of business to do, I didn’t pay it any mind, but she didn’t come back like usual. After spending several days like this, as expected I couldn’t continue to ignore that situation anymore, and I went to look for her.

The fact I didn’t ask anyone about her whereabouts was due to my conceit as her master. Since I, the master, didn’t know where she was, how could someone else know? … That was the thoughts I had.

Shortly after, I realized it was just a misunderstanding. I was reunited with her in the corridor just as she was exiting Silvia’s room. The maid revealed a guilty expression, just for a moment, before covering it up with a smile.

“Have you come to see Lady Silvia? Right now, Lady Silvia is resting,” she said. She told me this in an extremely natural tone. That’s why I understood that she was no longer mine.

Unable to accept it, when I casually appealed to mother, I was gently admonished, “If you are concerned about Silvia, then you should draw back, don’t you think so?” Because we’ll hire another maid for you. She was neither angry nor trying to reason with me, rather she warned me like how someone would persuade a little child. Her gaze was looking at me as if I was a hopeless, foolish child. She took it as if I was stirring troubles, behaving selfishly to prevent my maid from being taken from me.

Silvia is also important to you, right? She threw at me a question that didn’t allow anything but an affirmative answer. There was nothing I could say back.  

           

Even though in these repeating lives of mine, several discrepancies are born, at the point in time when Silvia and Soleil meet, I have already lost her.

 

“Considering the situation, it is probably preferable to prepare a hot bath. While I apologize for the inconvenience, can you fill the bathtub with hot water please?”  

 

I lightly wiped my hands with the cloth I brought to clean the dust from the book collection. Unable to see this and let it pass, the maid exclaimed with criticism hidden in her voice, “Lady! You mustn’t clean your hand with such a cloth…!”

It’s alright, it’s fine, I answered blandly, tidying up my skirt and wiping away the ink. A drop of ink that had yet to dry made a new stain on the floor.

“I apologize for dirtying this place. Cleaning everything is hard, isn’t it?” When I said that with a bitter smile, the maid creased her eyebrows.

“There is no need for my lady to apologize… Absolutely none.” It was unusual for that everlasting calmed maid to lose her composure.

Being told off in a slightly strengthened tone made a strained laugh escape from my mouth.

My conduct was probably flagrant to that extent. It wasn’t like I did it on purpose. But I couldn’t help it because for some reason, the image of the polished floor remained imprinted in my eyes. 

           

I mustn’t do anything that would inconvenience the servants, I must never take that attitude in front of a maid. I wasn’t that kind of person and I mustn’t become such a woman. I must always be calm, never lose my temper, and always wear a smile.

“Apart from that… I wish we had something to wipe with but…” The dust cloth I had with me had already been dyed deep blue.

But the maid shook her head a little and whispered, “… That’s not the point, that’s not what matters.”

I really didn’t know what the maid, who had lowered her head and was biting on the corner of her mouth, was thinking.

“… What happened?” When I asked her, she suddenly raised her head and strongly stated, “Please, accept my deepest apology. I will go prepare a hot bath.” For some reason her shoulders fell down and she had a depressed look. “Please, wait here for a little while, my lady,” she said that but I couldn’t bring myself to let her go in that state.

“…Merge.” Reflexively, I called out to her and she stopped. The maid, who turned back with her shoulders trembling in surprise, opened her eyes wide like she had seen something unbelievable.

“?” I tilted my head wondering what on earth happened to her, but then she muttered, “You remember it.” 

“I remember what?” Shaking her head like she was trying to get rid of her bewilderment, Merge took several steps back and smiled.

“No, it is nothing,” she replied as if truly, nothing had happened.

 

“… Do not try to dodge the question, Merge.”

 

I might not have paid any mind to her reaction if I had been in my usual state. Or if it had been the first me. I would have believed her words.

But I knew that when she had said there was nothing, it meant there was something. If it was really nothing, then there would have been not need to expressly say those words.

We stared at each other for a little while, but before long Merge let out a small sigh and explained, “About my name, I thought that you had already…”

Her last words were left unsaid, probably because she noticed it was out of bounds for a mere maid to say that. No servants would ask their master if he or she remembered their name. They shouldn’t mind such a detail, it was the right and liberty of the master whether to remember or not. That was how the master-servant relationship worked.

           

However, it wasn’t like the time spent together with her was so little and insignificant.

At the beginning I learnt a lot of things under her constant attendance. Because around the time when it was decided I would become Soleil’s fiancée, I was too young. I truly didn’t know anything, couldn’t do anything.

The one who taught me that even when I was simply sitting on a chair, I had to stay sharp and careful; was none other than this maid.

“Remembering it, isn’t it natural?”

           

My voice, which should have answered without letting any emotion show, strangely sounded a little cold. I couldn’t stop a self-mocking smile from appearing as I discovered I hadn’t been trusted so far.

Did she think I wouldn’t recall her or even her name? Did she stay at my side while thinking so all that time?

If that was the case, then it wasn’t father’s and mother’s fault if she went to serve under Silvia. She had surely given up herself. I could understand that much.

           

If I had to place the responsibility on someone, then as expected, it would be my fault.

 

“…. Lady,”

 

She called me with a slightly shaking voice.

 

“You were really good to me. That is why I am really grateful,” I told her.

 

Thank you, I added and laughed, my lips drawn in their never changing arc. It felt like my eyes, nose and mouth were drawn with ink on a piece of paper that had been stuck to my face.

It was a lot thinner than a mask. But also, a lot more suffocating.

Experiencing this all too familiar feeling, I deepened my smile.

Merge, who was staring at my expression, widened her eyes for a second, but the next one she lowered her head without saying anything. Then she left the archives atn a trot like she was fleeing.

No doubt there must have been something she had wanted to say. But in the end, she didn’t.

It made me realize how empty and vain this so-called relation of mutual trust was.

 

… … Now and even in the past too, I often saw her accompanying Silvia on her stroll.   

 

As Silvia wasn’t properly receiving a lady education, the master-servant barrier didn’t exist between them. It felt more like they were spending time together as friends. They seemed to laugh and discuss a lot.

 

“If the maid was a spy… then what do you intend to do?”

 

When I was still a young child, Merge said this to me. At that time precisely, there had been a maid I was close to. She was an exceedingly rare existence, a person who would accost in a friendly way even someone like me, a child who always kept her distance with all the servants employed in the estate.

It could also be said that because she was still young, she had yet to completely understand the rules of the master-servant relationship. However, because of her friendliness, I told her a lot of things about the feelings I had built-up. Like what books I just read, what I learnt from my private tutor, even up to the content of the dream I saw. 

           

She was a good listener, and she was also good at getting information out of me. I, who had never had a friend of the same age, told her about what kind of rooms there were in the mansion proudly. Because she would be delighted if I did so. Because she would make a happy expression.

Seeing me act like this, Merge tried to offer me honest advice. “Even if she isn’t a spy, what if there is such a person among her friends, her family or her relatives?” Her words that only showed doubts stuck to my mind.

I listened quietly as she told me I had to comprehend and deal with them by myself. Even though she didn’t teach me the answer, I understood properly.

She was saying I mustn’t be too intimate with the maid.

           

It was only a few days after receiving Merge’s counsel that I learnt that maid had resigned her job and left the mansion.

           

Saying that I wasn’t sad would be a lie. After seeing her off, I cried in my room. I did it secretly so as to not let anyone find out. I cried holding my voice down.

I didn’t want anyone to know I had been hurt by her departure.

           

Whether this maid had truly been an ill-intended person or not, I never knew. However, I remembered how she had told me, “Lady, please, cheer up,” when I was about to cry.

She had said she had a little brother quite apart in age from her. He had been suffering from an illness since many years ago and couldn’t even stand up so they needed a lot of money.

She had frankly narrated her life story. I didn’t know if it was true or not, but that person who smiled bitterly and said, “My lady and myself might be quite alike,” brought me a feeling of relief.

Even though I had a family, even though I wasn’t all alone in the world, I never could get rid of a sense of isolation and loneliness. That there was a person that would understand this saved me to some extent. Even if that had been a lie.

But in the end, what was important here wasn’t if she was an honest person or a liar.

           

It was how our surroundings would perceive it.  

           

Even if she was telling the truth, even if she was worth trusting. That had nothing to do with it.

The problem was that she hadn’t worked enough to gain the trust of the surrounding people.

If she hadn’t been a maid or a newly hired servant, the circumstances might have been different. But it hadn’t been the case.

 

*******************

 

About half an hour later, I was given a towel by another maid who had come to inform me the bath was ready. I couldn’t wipe away the ink that had already dried so I wrapped it around me and covered my whole body.

Then I quickly moved to the bathroom so as to not be seen by other people. Although I hadn’t done anything requiring a considerable amount of effort, I was exhausted.

Unexpectedly, worrying about things used a lot of strength.

           

While I was still absentmindedly lost in my thoughts, the maid helped me remove my stained clothes. Although it was casual attire, the way clothes for nobility were fastened was complex and taking them off alone would consume a lot of time. 

I quickly undressed and entered the bathroom, but then I stopped the maid who intended to follow me to help me bath.

The room itself was wide, but the bathtub was barely big enough to allow two people to go in at the same time. It was overflowing with hot water.

After pouring some on my body to lightly wash it off, I put the tips of my toes in the bathtub. It wasn’t too hot nor too lukewarm. The water was just at the perfect temperature.

I submerged myself up to my shoulders. The water seemed slightly murky, probably because of the ink that had remained on a place I couldn’t see.

 

Somehow, I was feeling really tired. When I sank until the water reached my mouth, droplets fell from the ceiling. As I absentmindedly gazed at the fallen droplets floating in the bathtub, they continued to fall and enter my field of vision one after the other. It almost looked like rain drops.

Each time I blinked, I felt that the amount of falling droplets increased. The water drops that rebounded on the surface of the water jumped into my faintly opened eyes.

For some reason, that feeling was familiar. When I closed my eyes while twisting my head, trying to remember it, my right cheek slowly sank into the water.

I was thinking I couldn’t stay like this, yet the darkness cut me off from reality.

 

*pitter patter*…

 

A scene rose on the other side of my consciousness. I saw my own arm stretched out. Because my palms were turned upward, my long nails were extended toward the sky. … My nails were?

Such a trivial detail was accompanied by a sense of discomfort. A daughter of a noble doesn’t have long nails. Because one of the taught subjects was how to play musical instruments. Whether it was string, keyboard or even wind instruments, most needed the performer to cut their nails short to play them.

From childhood I had been learning piano. Therefore, my nails had never been long.

But, right now, at the tip of my gaze, the nails of my stretched-out hands were long. Rather, they haven’t been trimmed. Here and there they were chipped, their forms were irregular and crooked.

 

After becoming aware of all these details, I noticed that my body almost couldn’t move. In addition, my eyes too couldn’t see well. Was my eyesight dropping, or was it physically hindered by something? It was probably both.

As I kept blinking again and again, I realized I was rolling on the ground. The reason I couldn’t see my surroundings well was because quite a strong rain was falling, and the street lights weren’t lit.

Big raindrops dashed and bounced on the bared ground not properly paved. The bouncing water hit my cheeks.

 I lay there impassively, waiting for time to pass as the strong rain nearly drowned my whole body.

 

… … Ah, I’m, again… I’m dying again.

 

I couldn’t remember clearly what had happened. I might have forgotten why I ended up rolling in this back alley, but my memories from even long before that might also be cloudy.

I wonder if I ended up like this because I was sick? Or was it because of an injury? Had I been assaulted by someone? Or, did I do this to myself?

I didn’t understand anything, but I knew it seemed to be too late now, I was about to die. Each time I closed my eyelids, the remaining time decreased.

The drops of water falling on my lips mercilessly flew into my mouth, so breathing was difficult and painful. But my tongue that stopped moving refused to or couldn’t spit them out.

 

I wonder how many times I’ve repeated my life? Even this was vague.

I want to take it easy. I want to throw away this damaged body and go somewhere.

And then, never come back here once again.

Even though that was what I thought… I will surely, again, return there, to this world.

 

“… Hel…p”

 

I said a word I didn’t know how many times I had repeated.

While I knew nobody would hear it, if God was here, I was praying it would reach them.

I tightly shut my eyes and waited for that moment.

 

“… It’s fine.”

 

The voice that echoed suddenly made my heart beat relentlessly. When I opened my heavy eyelids, I saw the tips of black shoes in front of me.

For a second, I thought it was a woman because the clothes coiled around that person looked like a skirt. But the voice I heard definitely belonged to a man. Besides, it was terribly familiar.

What he was wearing wasn’t a skirt, but a black robe. I recognized it. The hem of the robe that was swaying just above the ground wasn’t getting wet despite the rain. There wasn’t any mud on the shoes that were barely visible.

Since I had already lost my strength, I couldn’t move my head and confirm his face. But I was already convinced. I thought it was a nostalgic voice. His single sentence “it’s fine” that got lost in the sound of rainfall was heartrending.

Always, I’ve always been waiting for this. I’ve always been waiting for him to appear. For him to reveal himself only at the very last moment when I was on the brink of death, it was so…

He looked down at my face as he slowly crouched down. Because his head was covered by a big hood, I only saw his mouth. The pale color, the shape of his fine lips.

I recalled the days I spent with him. When was it that I revealed my secret to him? When was it that I gave up on my life when it was denied, when it wasn’t accepted? 

 

“… Finally.”

 

I wonder which one of us whispered this. The sound of the rain that knocked on the ground drowned it out, the words that were supposed to follow after this vanished.

           

This body that I couldn’t move even the slightest bit, Crow held it up in his arms.

Then, he gently whispered something close to my ears. I didn’t know whether his words held meaning or not.

Even though it was the first time we met in this life, I was surprised by how he was acting as if we were old friends.

But anyway, there was no longer anything that could be done and it didn’t matter anymore.

           

There was something I wanted to tell him. Crow probably didn’t want to know though. Somehow, I really wanted to convey this to him.

 

“There was… a meaning.”

 

I thought my voice would no longer come out, yet my dry tongue spined out those words. For some reason, that voice echoed clearly.

 

“There has… been… a reason.”

 

…why I wasn’t loved.

 

… … In one of my lives, at some point, Crow said, as there is no reason to love someone, isn’t there also no reason to not love someone? If that was the case, then no matter what you do, wouldn’t it be meaningless? If there was no reason, no meaning for not being loved, it was because there was no room to be loved.

           

But I knew. The reason why I wasn’t loved.

The reason why my parents never loved me and only loved Silvia.

In reality, I knew why.

           

I opened my lips to tell him, but it seemed I didn’t have any remaining energy left. I could only meaninglessly keep opening and closing them.

As if to soothe my chest, from which rose a painful whistling sound, Crow tenderly stroked my back. He gently calmed me, “It’s fine now.”

Abruptly, I felt that I no longer cared about anything. 

           

It’s fine now, it’s alright.

           

The repeated words resonated in my heart. It was what I wanted to hear.

I always, always wanted someone to tell me. I wanted that to be said.

I see, it’s already fine. When I thought so, my consciousness quickly faded away.

           

The sound of the rain continued to echo in my ears.

           

I was… …

Chapter 22                                                                   Chapter 24