Chapter 24

If this is the real end – 7

 

I exhaled, and a big air bubble escaped from my lips.

It’s painful, I can’t breathe.

As I thought that and opened my mouth wider, another bubble rose. My throat opened to inhale air. But my lungs didn’t expand. Instead, I felt like throwing up as my lungs were pressured by a squeezing weight.

Even though I wanted to cough, one bubble after another left my mouth and that choking sensation didn’t change. Or I should rather say, I couldn’t breathe.

           

A disagreeable burbling sound echoed as a bubble extended and covered my face.

When I stretched out my arms in anguish, something coiled around my body shook greatly and went away. But it returned to its former position the next second and bound me.

My hands reached out, my fingers broke through something and felt the air. A splashing sound echoed in the distance.

At that moment, I finally realized where I was.

           

I was sinking. I was submerged inside the water. In other words, I was drowning.

I hadn’t noticed until that moment because I had lost consciousness. I probably woke up abruptly because my body was warning me. It warned me that if things continued like this, it would die.

When I remembered I was taking a bath until a moment ago, then naturally, I understood I was in the bathtub.

           

I tried to straighten my posture with one hand and stretched out the other to support my body, but it wasn’t going well. The palm of the hand that should have used the bottom of the bathtub for support didn’t stop slipping.

Finally, one of my legs lost its footing and made a loud noise as it broke through the water surface. Following it, the other foot sank and made an even louder sound.

As I kept struggling, my upper body remained completely submerged, and yet, I felt the pain going away. I thought that perhaps my consciousness was becoming hazy, but I had no way to confirm it.

In the first place, I was inside the water and all the boundary lines around me were vague and fuzzy. Even the fact I was drowning, I wasn’t sure if it was real or not.

 

“… …. ! ….dy! …. La… dy!... Ah, lady…..!! My lady!!”

 

I could see someone’s face beyond the blurry water surface. I couldn’t make out their traits because of the blurriness, but from their figure it was probably a maid.

Did she notice the sounds, or did she come check the situation because I was taking too long? While repeatedly calling out to me, she was plunging her arms in the bathtub, trying to lift me up.

But it was impossible for a woman alone to raise a person with a similar stature.

My body further sank to the bottom of the water. I intended to swallow my breath in one gulp but a large quantity of water entered my throat. I felt my vision getting darker.

 

“…. Someone! Someone!!”

 

The sound was muffled, but I could hear the maid call for help. It seemed my ears were still working.

Soon, several maids came, alarmed by the noise and I was finally rescued from the bathtub. That’s what I like to say, but it was only to the extent of extracting my upper body from the water.

When I grabbed the arm of a maid while coughing violently, I noticed she was trembling. The maid looking at me with a face that had lost all its color was Merge. Her heartbroken gaze distorted by pain pierced my chest.

While I kept coughing again and again, quite struggling to catch my breath, at the same time, I was thinking with a cool head. I couldn’t believe I made such a blunder.

 

Taking a bath by myself was not commendable, but drowning in the bathtub wouldn’t simply end with turning it into a laughing matter.

As I was no longer a child, all the responsibility lay with me. The daughter of a noble should borrow the help of maids to bath. At least, someone should have stayed in the bathroom.

Because I was the next marquise. Protecting myself was an obligation imposed as a “duty.” In other words, it meant I had to do my utmost to protect myself.

I ought to have known this and yet… “… fu” Did I expire in order to escape from the pain, or was it to scorn my own idiocy? Even that, I no longer knew anymore.

 

Before long, another maid at my back wrapped a towel around me. The towel was just fine to warm up the shoulders that had become cold, however, because almost half of it was sinking in the bathtub, it was very heavy.

Being unable to stand by myself left me stunned. From both sides of the bathtub, two maids tried to pull me but it didn’t go well, and my body, which had been scooped up after great pains, once again fell into the water.

My body seemed to be complaining as if it had lost its bones and refused to listen to me. A sigh unintentionally leaked from my mouth and my lips half sank into the water. At that moment.

 

Bang!

 

The door that should have been closed was flung open and a man with golden hair rushed into the room. That his forehead was covered in sweat wasn’t just my imagination. 

 

“Sir Alfred!”

 

The one who raised her voice was Merge, who was supporting my strengthless body.

She increased the number of towels wrapped around me, trying to hide my body from Al’s eyes. But he wasn’t the last bit perturbed and walked to the middle of the room, pushing Merge aside.

Not caring about her who once again screamed “Sir Alfred!” he scooped me up from the bathtub.

 

I was also fully aware that it wasn’t a good thing to expose my skin to someone of the opposite gender even if he was my escort, but it was also true that I felt relieved.

My feet had become swollen and dull, I couldn’t feel any sensation from them.

 

“Why did you let her enter alone!” Moving his gaze to Merge, Al roared in a deep voice.

 

“…Tha-that’s….” Merge, who immediately started stumbling on her words, wandered her eyes in the room.

 

“… It was me who said I wanted to bath alone.”

 

Besides, Merge wasn’t there a while ago. When I added this while suppressing a light cough, Al’s lips tightened and he shook his head.

 

“I heard they were excellent maids, but it seems not to be the case,” he suddenly said in a matter-of-fact tone.

“I don’t think an excellent maid would do all and everything her master orders from her.” He sounded as if his voice didn’t contain any warmth. But I understood he was wrapped in wrath.

 

“I am sorry, Al. It is my fault.”

The maids who were on the receiving end of Al’s sharp glare were completely shriveling. So as much as possible, I tried to say that in a bright tone instead of them, who became completely unable to answer.

But I couldn’t do it well and quivered on the last words. It was natural as I nearly died.

Whether he was aware of this or not, Al flatly rejected my words with a voice devoid of emotion.

 

“There is no need for my lady to apologize.”

 

He easily held me up in his arms as if the struggling of the maids a while ago was a lie.

Then, in a careful motion, he carried me out. The maids who had a bad expression when Al, a person of the opposite sex, had entered the bathroom, watched him in silence, understanding the help of a man was necessary.

 

To begin with, I was in the bathroom adjacent to my room, so when we came out of the changing room, we directly reached my bedroom. There was nobody here.

Just when we were about to leave the bathroom, a maid had put a gown on me, who was held in Al’s arms. She probably thought that a towel was not enough.

Al gently put me down on the bed and withdrew after saying “I will come back later.” He gave me time to put on clothes.

 

I exhorted my body, which had lost all its strength, and when I rose up my upper body, the gown fell off.

This time, night clothes were handed over to me. I didn’t confirm who had given them and passed my arms through the sleeves.

At that moment, a trembling voice said, “My lady, I deeply apologize….” Not looking at my face and keeping her head bowed very low, the person who spoke was Merge.

Because she was the one with the most seniority among the maids who happened to be present, she probably was apologizing on behalf of them all.

“I said it before, but you don’t have to worry about it. Because it was me who said I wanted to be alone.” My vague consciousness was also returning. My fingers didn’t shake and I was able to speak clearly. This made me feel unbelievably relieved.  

 

I didn’t die. … …. I was still alive.

 

“I am sorry.” While I said that in a light tone to prevent the atmosphere from becoming too heavy and awkward, I touched Merge’s shoulder.

When I did that, she suddenly raised her head and said, “Please stop….!”

Then, she escaped my hand and took two, three steps back. Although it was only just a small distance, that was enough to prevent us from touching each other.

She was supposed to be close, and yet, for some reason, I felt she was very far away.

 

The other maids had left when I wasn’t aware of it and now, only the two of us remained in the room.

In the bedroom that had become deadly silent, her voice that had regained her calm echoed.

 

“… There is no need for an apology. Because it is me who failed my duty as a maid.”

 

Seeing her like this, I understood she was really regretting it. But my mind was dominated by the dream I saw when I was swallowing water inside the bathtub.

The sensation of losing everything the moment I died. That shock.

Even though I’ve experienced it enough times to get tired of it, I still couldn’t get used to it. It was so distressing, painful and sorrowful I couldn’t help it. This couldn’t be expressed with words.

I wonder why that moment when you were on the verge of dying bestowed people so much agony?

I prayed many times to at least be granted a gentle death. Every time I died I was always thinking about this.

           

While my thoughts wandered aimlessly, I muttered “But, I am the one at fault.”

Not only this time. Always, I’m always calling misfortune on myself.

Even though I have lived so many lives, repeated everything so many times, even though I might have been offered an amendable life… … I cannot live well.

 

“Spilling ink, drowning in the bath… I am really beyond help.”

             

I intended to say it as a self-depreciation but unexpectedly my voice came out in a grave intonation.

The shoulders of Merge, who had once again lowered her head, swayed a little and she raised her face suddenly. Her hand strongly clutched her chest. As if it was painful.

Her collar, which was usually straightened, was twisted and squashed by her palms.

 

“Merge?”

“Why, my lady, why are you… so kind? It wouldn’t have been strange to rebuke me for what I did. Rather than entrusting it to the other maids, I ought to have stayed at your side and yet…!”

 

Merge made an expression like she was about to cry at any moment, even though Al’s condemnations earlier had been much fiercer.

It was really rare for her who always keeps her calm. The woman who spent time together with me when I was young always had calm eyes.

Being alone together with her, who was usually constantly attending to Silvia, was a rare situation.

I didn’t know what to say to cheer her up. If I spoke now, my words would reflexively become, “You are Silvia’s maid, so you do not have to worry about this.”

           

However, those words I planned to say stayed stuck in my throat and refused to come out.

If I say them right now, they will definitely be taken as sarcasm.

Because I understood this, no matter what, I mustn’t say them.

Even though she might have wanted me to blame her. I didn’t want to say such words.

Like how Marianne and Merge just now had described me, I wanted to become a tolerant person. Someone who can forgive everything, love everything, confer kindness to everyone.

           

I’ve always wanted to become that kind of person.

 

*********************

 

In the end, the sole words I managed to say to Merge, who kept apologizing, were “Thank you.”

With a smile on my face, I told her I was grateful for her consideration. I knew that by doing this, everything would be settled nicely.

When you are in the middle of a conversation with someone, if you cannot understand your partner’s intention, for the time being you could stop the discussion by giving them your thanks.

If you do that, in most cases, you will avoid settling an uncomfortable mood between you.

However, despite my smile, I couldn’t convince Merge.

 

Even though she was the one who taught me that when I was a child.

 

“At all times, you are a lady.”

 

In other words, a lady ought to always wear a smile and carry herself properly, that should have been what she meant.  

… … I was doing it properly, right? I instinctively swallowed back those words.

Merge gazed at my face for a while, but then she sighed and deeply lowered her head. Then, keeping her head bowed like this, she left the room as if she was trying to break off from my line of sight.

The brief moment before she turned her back from me, she clearly showed a hurt expression.

            

Wait, I was about to call out. Do not go, I almost said. 

That’s right, the one who left the other behind wasn’t me. The one who threw me away was Merge.

And yet, for her to be making an expression like she was being abandoned, it was unfair.

           

I lied down on the bed, took a deep, deep breath and closed my eyes.

 I was the noble’s daughter of a third-ranked earl house, and the fiancée of Soleil, heir of a marquis family.

So, I mustn’t be shaken by such a thing. I must keep my composure. I mustn’t let anyone sense my wavering heart. I mustn’t be perturbed by anything, rather, I must boast of the strength to coerce my opponents.

Because I had been raised to become such a person.

           

But, why. Why can’t I suppress my sorrow?

 

“… I was told that you drowned in the bath.”

 

Merely a few minutes after Merge had left my room, my mother appeared.

Mother was making a difficult expression, but more than looking worried, she seemed to be brooding over something.

 I was about to get up but she told me to remain as I was, so I ended up looking up at her who had sat on the bed side.

When I suddenly sensed a gaze on me and looked toward the corner of the room, I saw my escort knight there. I guess he entered with mother.

Although he was frowning, he wasn’t angry. Rather, he was probably anxious about me.

Because we have been together for a long time, I completely understood how kind he was. In the past, I misread this feeling and ended up losing him.

 

“You are not feeling unwell, right?”

 

When I acquiesced to my mother’s inquiry, that person heaved a huge sigh and held down her forehead.

 

“… Mother?”

“Do not make me worry.”

 

Seeing the sorrowful appearance of my muttering mother with her head lowered like this, somewhat, my heart got warmer.

Even though she usually didn’t care about me, it seemed that she became worried this time. Knowing that cleared my heart.

Just when I thought it was unscrupulous of me to have those thoughts and I was about to smile at her,

 

“Having to worry only about that child is enough.”

 

I fully understood mother’s words. The smile I was about to show was destroyed in an instant.

Still, my lips somehow managed to form a gentle line. My teeth were colliding against each other, as if I was trembling in the cold.

I raised my face wondering if my unrest had been perceived, but mother was still making the same difficult expression.

A thought crossed my mind. Maybe the words I heard earlier were just an auditory hallucination.

But,

 

“It is troubling for me.”

 

If even you are like this, it’s troubling, were the words she spat out, the words that fell on me.

A sigh was supposed to be lukewarm, and yet, why was it so terribly chilly?

Those words glided over my cheeks, their sharpness slashing at my skin like they were cutting large pieces of ice.

Even if I knew this was just an illusion, the corners of my lips were distorted in pain. Even if this pain was an illusion, I understood that the words which felt out of mother’s lips, were real.

At once, I wanted to cover my ears and tried to raise my arms to do so. But my exhausted arms only moved a little bit before heavily sinking back on the sheets. They were heavy like lead.

As if trying to resist, my fingertips moved but they could only meaninglessly dig my nails into the fabric.

 

“Silvia also said she wasn’t feeling very well…”

 

When you think that child’s condition has become better, the next moment she gets worse, so you cannot be careless, she said as she lowered her eyebrows.

It was somewhat painful to see that expression of hers, and when I blinked once, the scene I saw earlier in the archives spread out in front of my eyes.

That child talking happily in the gentle sunlight. The figures of our parents chasing after that child.

I guess her condition worsened due to basking in the sun for a long time. Perhaps, even a gentle breeze that normally felt good might be very poisonous for Silvia.

At that time, mother… At that time when she was in the middle of that idyllic painting of happiness, mother probably didn’t care where I was. That mother who always had a grasp of Silvia’s whereabouts at any time.

For example, if Silvia’s figure were to disappear from her room, there was no doubt it would become a major incident and the estate would be overturned.

Mother would be determined to that extreme, she would become frantic. But when I disappear, it doesn’t become an uproar. That was the level of the value of my existence in that mansion.

           

Because anyhow, I was only a good belonging to the marquis on deposit here. That was what it meant to become Soleil’s fiancée.

           

Mother told me sadly, “Because this child is really frail.”

I could only agree with that, “… Yes, indeed.” My hoarse voice sounded awfully weak, but it seemed I was the only one who thought that.

“Drowning in the bathroom… what happened to you?”

I was hard pressed to answer this question. Her frowning face was clearly blaming me.

Though imperfect, you are somehow the fiancée of the marquis’ eldest son. She made her words very obvious to me. Stop doing something as embarrassing as drowning in a dark bathroom. That was what I heard her say.

“You cannot act like a spoiled child anymore.” I recalled the words of rejection bestowed on me by mother in my childhood.

           

I heaved a painful, very, very small sigh. I couldn’t breathe well, it felt like something was blocking my chest.

           

Even though I wasn’t drowning in the water, it felt like I was thoroughly sinking.

“My foot slipped,” when I tried to laugh, I also tried to feel it was really funny.

The sound resounded several times in the back of my throat. Like I was really laughing.

With a little sigh, mother said, “You are a helpless child.” Then, she slightly smiled wryly.

We were facing each other, eyes to eyes, a smile floating on our faces, and yet, our hearts were driven away somewhere far away.

However, I have probably shown mother the reaction she wanted from me. She didn’t blame me for anything else.  

           

Ah, I didn’t make a mistake, feeling relieved, I secretly stroked my chest in order to not let anyone notice.

 

“…. Madam, it will be about time soon.”

 

The one who broke the silence that felt between mother and I, was my escort who watched the course of the conversation from the corner of the room. He was surely concerned about me.

The atmosphere floating between mother and I couldn’t be described as calm. He couldn’t not notice it.

Mother swiftly turned her eyes away from me and showed a sweet-looking smile at Al, replying, “That’s true.”

Then, she slowly got up. From there on, she opened the door without turning back in my direction a single time. As if she couldn’t imagine I was staring at her back.

No, maybe… She didn’t turn back precisely because she knew.

           

My clinging gaze was like one of a young child seeking her mother’s warmth. It was irremediably pitiful and miserable.

 

“My lady, I deeply apologize.”

 

After mother left with the maid who had been waiting behind the door, Al, who remained in the room, suddenly lowered his head.

 

“… What are you apologizing for?”

 

It was only a genuine question, but it seemed it sounded differently to Al.

To my inquiry, he repeated, “… I deeply apologize,” and lowered his head again.

 

“All of you, you are always apologizing. I wonder, are you thinking so poorly of me?”

 

A laugher escaped my mouth, but for some reason tears welled up as well.

Al stared at my face without saying anything.

 

“Was it you who called mother?”

 

When I somewhat felt like asking this, Al shook his head and answered, “No.”

“So, it was Merge.” A sigh was mixed with the conclusion I drew from his reply.

“I should have stopped her,” squeezed out Al while swallowing his breath and pursing his lips.

In other words, his previous apology had a meaning.

           

However, I could somewhat understand that Merge’s action came from her kindness.

She probably had thought that since she was my mother, she would certainly help me. She was the person who employed the best maids for the sake of her daughter. A person who always did her best for her family.

Mother was a wonderful person. Because mother loved her family. Nobody can compare to that image of mother. It’s a “mother.” Just a mother. Nothing less, nothing more.

 

“From now on, you will be Soleil’s fiancée.”

“A happy future has been promised to you. Because you will become the wife of a marquis.”

“So, from today onwards, you are no longer the daughter of the earl family, you are the fiancé of the marquis’s heir.”

 

When it was decided I would become Soleil’s fiancée, mother said that.

It wasn’t like those words were said with indifference. Neither were they heartless. Mother wasn’t wrong. But…

 

“Al,”

“… Yes.”

“Al,”

“Yes.”

 

It was probably because he was in the bedroom of an unmarried woman, even if she was her master. Concerned by this, my escort stood at a distance, peeking at my expression as a bitter smile involuntary formed on his lips.

It was the same as in my past life. Although my hand was extended towards him, we weren’t even connected.

When I said I wanted him to come here, he didn’t go against my request.

 

“… My hand, can you hold it?”

 

My voice was ugly and distorted. My unreliable and trembling sigh made my vision sway.

It seemed I was about to start crying uncontrollably at this scene, which I remembered. It was the same as one of my previous lives.

Again, we were facing each other like this, the same way we did once someday. Similar to that time, he stood a few steps away from the bed and wouldn’t grasp my hand.

It’s because we both understood that if he were to do this now, we wouldn’t just be a master and her follower.

 

“No, it is nothing, I just wanted to try saying this.”

“… Yes, I understand.”

 

I cannot help but feel sad and pained. Even though I felt them countless times, I couldn’t believe how those emotions were almost crushing me. I couldn’t increase my tolerance towards them. I was always hurt like this every time. The depth of the pain I had to bear was always the same.

How comfortable would it become if I could throw away a thing like my heart?

           

If I could resign myself to not being loved by anyone. That way, everything would proceed more smoothly. 

 

“… Al, will you listen to my story?”

“Yes, naturally.”

“It is a story about me, Silvia and… our parents.”

 

… … It’s a story about me, who was unrelated to love from the moment I was born. When I said that, my heart constricted like it was assailed by an ominous feeling.

           

I wanted someone to listen. But I didn’t want anyone to listen.

I wanted someone to understand, but I didn’t want anyone to understand.

About my miserable life, about the life I lived while persuading myself I was surely loved.

I didn't want anyone to take it lightly and say that they understood it.

           

There had only been one sole person who had wanted to understand.

Because those black eyes always saw through everything.

 

“Silvia is a princess.”

“Yes,” acquiescing to what I said, he nodded deeply.

 

In the mansion, Silvia was indeed handled like this. By both my parents and the servants.

She was that kind of existence, because she was treasured like the apple of their eyes, like a precious gem.

However, the meaning of my words was different.

 

“No, Al. It is not a metaphor.”

 

Silvia is... a genuine... “princess.” And the protagonist of a story.

           

Al’s eyes were full of surprise and scrutinized my face. A tiny bit of uneasiness and fear were mixed in his gaze.

Most humans would probably show the same reaction as him when they touched the truth which should not be known.

 

“And I am a genuine, supporting character from a story.”

Chapter 23                                                   Chapter 25