Chapter 26

If this is the real end – 9

 

It was Al who reacted to the dry knocking sound that resounded several times. I guessed he had sensed someone’s presence before the door was knocked.

He gazed at me, seemingly asking me what should be done, but I had no other choice but to nod. I didn’t know who it was but they had probably come while knowing I was inside the room.

But for a short while, Al didn’t move from his spot. As there weren’t any maids right now, only him could open the door.

Looking like he wanted to say something, he curled his lips and heaved a little sigh before speaking in a low voice, “We will continue this later.” He probably wanted to be sure his voice wouldn’t reach the other side of the door.

Then he suddenly closed the book and quietly returned it to me. “Is it alright with you?” He asked to make sure, but I couldn’t answer anything.

Instead, I directed my gaze at the door to urge him to show the visitor in.

For a moment, Al looked displeased, but he didn’t say anything and followed my instructions.

 

“Please, wait a moment.”

I followed his back with my eyes as he turned toward the door while raising his voice.

 

He probably had sensed I would no longer talk about this matter. If I was only able to muster my courage once, it could be said it would have been at that one moment. But I did not do so.

If I was to borrow someone’s help, that person would surely be Al. Now that I had lost the absolute existence that was Crow, speaking of a person I could trust from the bottom of my heart, it was that escort knight.

That’s why, I knew I must cherish him. I was barely holding back my wavering and sinking heart that was about to tumble and fall at Al’s feet.

 

“… … Big sister…”

 

The voice of my lovely little sister called me back from the sea of thoughts I was immersed in.

Her nervous face slightly red, she was standing behind the door opened by Al. I immediately realized she had a fever.

Silvia entered inside the room while walking unsteadily and breathing heavily. The short distance from her room to mine had put her breathing in disorder.

 

“Silvia, you should be resting right now.”

 

When I propelled myself up while calling out to her, Silvia asked with ambiguous words as she threw a fleeting glance toward Al, “It’s the same for you, big sister. I heard you had drowned in the bath…”

Then she suddenly fell silent. It seemed she was hesitating whether it was alright to talk about this here.

Drowning in the bath was due to my own blunder, and if people heard about it, it could become a drawback for me.

If you only looked at that part of her, I thought that child too seemed to be growing properly.

“Al knows so it is fine to speak about it,” when I told her that with a smile, Silvia also released a small sigh and smiled. This ephemeral and fragile face somewhat made my chest ache.

            

She was truly concerned about me. Silvia was very kind. She was pushing herself despite her poor condition to visit her sick older sister. 

 

“Hum… if it is alright with you…”

 

Al supported Silvia’s wavering body until she reached my bed. My little sister, who hung her head, saying “I’m sorry” with her cheek dyed red, was so lovely people couldn’t help but see her in a favorable light. She aroused the desire to protect her in every member of our family.

The scene of my escort knight leading such a feeble girl by the hand was extremely natural and didn’t have the slightest sense of incongruity.

 But somehow, I tilted my head, feeling a kind of discomfort as if something was “wrong.” Something appealed to my intuition that the problem was with those two. Wasn’t the pairing of Silvia and Al wrong? I probably had this feeling because the person beside Silvia wasn’t Soleil.

I suddenly realized I was surprised at myself for having such a thought, and I heaved out the breath I had held unconsciously.

Surprised by how conspicuous my breathing sounded inside the room that had fallen silent again, I shrunk my shoulders. The pain and distress I felt weren’t from my imagination.

 

“Big sister, are you alright?”

 

My little sister, who had approached within a reaching distance when I wasn’t paying attention, took my hand in hers. This gentle action made me feel dizzy.

I, being the lamentable coward I was, couldn’t grasp that hand.

 

“Yes, I am fine, do not worry.”

 

I answered while shaking my head, but my own voice sounded like those of a stranger. It felt like a voice without emotion.

However, Silvia didn’t seem to notice and smiled lightly.

 

“… This, it's a decoction mother had infused for me.”

 

She gently presented me a small bottle, holding it out like it was a treasure. Then putting on airs like she was very satisfied with herself, she placed it in my hand.

Light brown leaves were jammed to the brink inside the glass bottle.

“It doesn’t… taste very good though.” She laughed and smiled like a mischievous child, adding “keep it a secret from mother, ok?” while she put her index finger on her lips. “It’s supposed to have the effect of warming up the body.”

As she explained the effects, she tenderly stroked my arm. Her fingers were barely touching my skin, stroking it with the softness of feathers.

 

“Silvia?”

 

 My little sister, whose gaze had dropped on her own fingers, suddenly raised her head.

“Ah, sorry. You seemed cold, that’s why…” She distanced her hands.

I lost that warmth too abruptly and almost unconsciously chased after those fingers. Perhaps I didn’t want to lose this gentleness that was offered with unselfishness.

Opening her eyes wide, Silvia grabbed back my hand without hesitation.

            

I knew that it was these hands that would rob me of everything.

But at the same time, I remembered, in the past, it was the same hands that had protected me.

           

… … That’s all?

          

I felt that Crow was laughing. Laughing that I would tolerate and forgive her for everything, just because of that.

 

*************************

 

The next day, by some kind of fate, I happened to meet Soleil in the corridor of the academy.

 

“… Once in a while, wouldn’t you eat together with me?”

 

Even if he invited me without relaxing his stiff expression, as we were in front of outsiders, I couldn’t decline. Because he was the heir of a marquis house, as his fiancée there was no way I could say, “I don’t want to.”

If we had been alone, it wouldn’t have been embarrassing for him, but at any rate right now, we were in the middle of the corridor. Several students happened to be passing by and they were straining their ears to hear my words.

And more than anything. As the man standing a bit behind Soleil was staring fixedly at me, I couldn’t show the slightest carelessness. He wasn’t the friend who was always around Soleil.

It was quite unusual and I also shouldn't have crossed paths with them. Yet my eyes had met with Soleil’s as he seemed to be looking for me unexpectedly.

Usually, I lowered my gaze and concealed my presence to not be found out by him, yet for some reason, today I saw him. And it wasn’t only Soleil who noticed me despite my caution.   

 

“… Is she your rumored fiancée?”

 

Stepping forward with a big smile on his face, Saion approached us. He pretended it was the first time meeting me and slyly asked this question while tilting his head obliquely.

In those dark colored pupils of his, a light was glowing and he was comparing both of our faces as though they were very interesting.

I didn’t know what the conversation between Saion and me would look like in the eyes of a third party. Would someone notice we were already acquainted with each other?

If we were meeting for the first time here, then like anyone who was from a noble family, I had to past a smile on my face and give my greetings. No matter how agonizing it was.

When I slightly bent my knees, Saion imperceptibly raised his eyebrow and curved his lips as if what he was seeing seemed interesting.

He looked like he was about to let a laugh escape his mouth and was enduring it.

 

“It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I am called Ilya Il Martisse.”

 

From the standpoint of the fiancée of Soleil, eldest child of the marquis house, it wasn’t appropriate to assume a humble attitude when meeting people for the first time.

Although giving out your name first showed you were of a lower social status, there was no need to abase myself more than that.

I had to pay the greatest caution so as to not bring shame on Soleil’s family name. With just this, my own position from now on could change.

As I had already guessed that Saion was a higher aristocrat from another country, I intended to be especially careful.

Meanwhile, Soleil was silently watching over what I did, not answering Saion’s question “is she your fiancée?” nor supplementing my self-introduction by confirming that it was indeed me.

It probably meant he had no intention of introducing me as his fiancée. Or because it was a well-known fact, did he think there was no need to expressly explain it here?

 

“Nice to meet you, young lady. My name is Saion Topias.”

 

There wasn’t any malice on his grinning face, but calling me “young lady” was a boorish manner of speaking. It could be taken as if he was looking down on me.

It was an expression used by a man in the prime of his life to address a younger woman, in other words, it wasn’t a salutation exchanged between a man and a woman close in age.

If this was an evening party, it would be a sign of showing contempt for someone.

However, he was someone from another country. He may not be used to our way of speaking yet. … It was probably better to think this way.

It wasn’t like I had alluded to this topic here, but it was a fact he had revealed himself previously. In such a case, I wondered what kind of attitude was the correct answer. 

           

But then at that moment, I noticed that a piercing gaze was directed at me.

 

“… Lord Soleil?”

 

Because I had unintentionally whispered, I quickly swallowed my breath.

Soleil, who was looking in my direction from Saion’s side, probably had the same expression as me. It was somewhat laughable that the both of us were surprised, but I bet I was surely not in his sight.

Although Saion was looking around as if he wanted to say something, Soleil had already regained his calm and shook his head with his usual unreadable expression. Nothing was expressed in those thin-iced eyes of his. 

Well, I guess it doesn’t matter, said Saion as he laughed lightly. “Then, shall we go?” he added, seemingly intending to sit with us.

He started walking. The people around us were openly gazing at Soleil and I, who remained behind.  While being exposed to these uncomfortable gazes, I looked up at Soleil who stood beside me.

Then, Soleil, who was looking towards me as before, turned in gaze away without saying anything. He was prompting me with his eyes to follow after Saion, but the truth was, I was at a loss about where I should sit. I had not even replied to Soleil who offered to eat together.

            

I stared at his back as he was walking a few steps ahead of me. He wasn’t waiting for my answer.

 

“It’s fine to take your time, so tell me, alright?”

 

With a gentle gaze, with a whispering voice, Soleil had said this to my little sister. I had certainly heard it, but I couldn’t remember when it was. It might have been during the tea party, or it might have been on another occasion. But it probably wasn’t important.

Silvia, who said something with her reddened cheeks, and Soleil, who looked at her with a loving gaze. His eyes seemed to be saying he unquestionably preferred my little sister’s reserved attitude.

I, who was outside of their field of vision but definitively not at a faraway distance, concealed my breathing.

At that time, I already knew I mustn’t get in their way and disturb the two of them.

            

On that day I was introduced as his fiancée, in the garden, Soleil had been waiting for me to catch up to him. The image of him waiting without urging me surfaced on the back of my eyelids.

The him, who had slightly loosened his lips and smiled at the moment I finally caught up, was nowhere to be found now.

 

“That reminds me, I haven’t seen you around much. Where do you usually have lunch?”

 

We secured a table for four people, and Soleil and I sat facing each other. Saion was sitting next to Soleil. I didn’t know if this alignment was correct or not.

I unavoidably started to wonder, if it had been Silvia, where would she have sat? 

 

“… Are there any places where you can have lunch apart from the cafeteria?”

 

Even though he already knew the answer, Saion maliciously asked this nasty question while making a truly mysterious expression.

This person who was easily deceiving the people around him, was he Soleil’s friend? I felt he would be both dreadful and reliable.

 

“Usually, I take it in the courtyard…”

 

As I answered, I showed an ambiguous smile. If you were a considerate person, you would discontinue this topic here, but Saion didn’t seem to be reading the air and continued, “Do you have lunch with your friends?”

Asking about something he already ought to know, it probably had a deeper meaning.

As I didn’t understand what his objective was, I could only continue to answer his question.

“No, I am always alone.” Although I said this with the intention of implying it wasn’t a big deal,

 

“… … By yourself?”

 

The one who showed a reaction was Soleil.

“Y-yes, that is right.” I was greatly taken aback. My eyes opened wide.

Because Soleil had shown some interest in me. My body temperature rose suddenly.

It was laughable how discomposed I became just by this. I also knew that Saion was intently observing such a foolish me.

However, I couldn’t keep up my appearance, my heart was helplessly feeling exhilarated.

Even though I was thinking I was acting like an idiot, a smile naturally rose to my lips.

 

“… In that case, when our schedules correspond, let’s eat together.”  

 

In the cafeteria bursting with the noise of conversation, Soleil’s voice stood out.

I wondered if I hadn’t heard him wrong, but I realized it was unlikely for him to repeat himself.

So, I just stared at his face fixedly. I thought he would correct his words, saying it was a slip of the tongue.

However, he didn’t say anything, his eyes simply reflected my own face. As if he was waiting for an answer, in the meantime, he gulped down.

As if I had received an unthinkable request, or had been offered a business deal, my back strengthened tensely.

Saion destroyed that atmosphere in an instant with the laugher he didn’t intend to conceal. 

 

“Even though you are engaged, something is strange.”

 

It’s strange to be that nervous, he continued. Then, as if he couldn’t bear it, he laughed again. “You almost look like strangers.”

However, his voice didn’t contain any laugher, it was indifferently announcing facts.

And I couldn’t deny his words, I even reflexively agreed with him. The feeling of distance between us had not narrowed at all since the day we met.

That day I was running after his little back, I believed without any doubt that someday I would stand beside him and see the same scenery.

However, reality wasn’t as sweet. We were never facing the same direction, nor could my wish of seeing the same panorama come true.

How could I have predicted that the day he would look at another woman than me would come?

 

“Shut up, Saion.”

 

Soleil threw a fleeting glance at the person sitting beside him and declared this in a cold voice.

I was the only one whose shoulders jolted in surprise. Saion spread open both of his hands, answering without any concern, “yes, yes” as he pretended to surrender.

It was probably a normal conversation for two friends. The one who wasn’t used to it, was just me.

“… Ilya.” When my name was called as if he was pressing me for an answer, I could only agree, “Yes, I guess.” In the end, I had no objection to having lunch together as it was “if our schedules correspond.”

I thought it was the correct conduct a fiancée should take. If there was no little sister there.

 

“Then, we must also invite Silvia, right?”

 

I couldn’t see Saion’s maliciousness as he cut in between us while smiling. …

I was pretending I couldn’t see it. I felt the question Saion threw towards Soleil and I wandered in the air. The one who will receive and answer it will probably be Soleil.

Even I understood it wasn’t a good idea to answer “no” there. If I was a “nice older sister” to Silvia, then I should agree to Saion’s proposal.

Soleil saw me receiving Saion’s gaze on my whole body and yet being unable to say anything, he couldn’t remain indifferent and inhaled a small breath.

Then, he accepted it as if it was truly nothing important, “Yes, indeed.”

I, who was listening to his voice as I pretended it was someone else’s business, I wonder how I looked in the eyes of the people around us?

When I suddenly raised my head, at the end of my line of sight, Saion was there, his eyes scrutinizing me. It looked like a smiling expression, as if he was trying to ascertain something. It was an expression you would often see in high society.

That’s why I also simply returned a smile.

 

“… By the way, Saion, I have a question for you if you don’t mind.” 

 

Soleil changed the topic of the conversation quite casually. He slightly dropped his voice and started whispering with Saion. Even so, sometimes, a smile would float on his lips for a moment, so it seemed their conversation wasn’t particularly serious. From a few words I barely heard, I guessed it probably was about the internal affairs of the knight department.

Even during a lunch where I was wondering if we were probing each other or not, while they were frivolously bragging about various things, their discussion gave off a feeling of frankness.

Because the two of them held an important peerage, in the academy they were in a position to be attended to by people from the same department.

            

Even if they didn’t order, when they took a seat, an eye-catching meal would be served. It was a lavish meal made for aristocrats.

Now that I thought about it, it was the first time I was having lunch together with Soleil in the cafeteria. In all those accumulating lives of mine, in all this time that repeated itself, being invited for a meal, being promised to do it again, it was the first time for all of them.

The reason my back was trembling, was surely because of the chills I felt. Even though time passed normally, I was driven by impatience and uneasiness, as if someone was chasing after me. It felt like many pitch-black hands were crawling like worms, trying to seize my back.   

           

Run away, run away, run away, yet it was a fate I couldn’t escape from.

 

“… Lord Soleil?”

 

The sudden appearance of my little sister was like a plot, it was like one of the small incidents in the big course of events. 

As expected, I had no other choice but to watch it unfold. The face of Soleil, who had raised his head abruptly, was of a different color than before. Those pale colored eyes of his had melted in a second and showed a strong emotion.

That’s right, it was like usual. I didn’t think anyone had noticed it.

If you were to wink once and observe him again, you would think it was a misunderstanding as he was already making an unimpressed expression.

            

At once, I swallowed my voice that was about to call his name.

Had I called him, I wouldn’t have known what to say.

 

Chapter 25                                                              Chapter 27