Chapter 27

If this is the real end – 10

 

Ultimately, I simply watched my little sister’s entry on stage. As if I was looking at events happening in a distant world. There was nothing to put into words, nothing to interject, I was simply “here” like an ornament.

If this was a stage, I would be applauding at the appearance of the protagonist, but this was an unfortunate reality. I could only watch this too good to be true story unfold before me.

            

There wasn’t any person who would notice that I was looking at this scene. That’s how much of a minor character I was.

However, perhaps I wasn’t even a character in this story, perhaps I was only an onlooker.    

 

“I heard that Lord Soleil was having lunch with someone.”

 

Silvia, who suddenly appeared in the cafeteria, shyly declared this while lowering her eyes.

 

“Oh, I see! When you heard Soleil was eating with someone else, you came to see that woman’s face!!”

 

I thought this cheerful voice somewhat sounded like it was acting out a play. Saion’s piercing voice echoed in the dining hall, gathering all eyes on us.

In spite of saying the same things as Silvia, didn’t the way he phrased it give a different meaning? Although his words could be taken as unpleasant sarcasm, if you examined his expression, you would know there wasn’t such a thing and he was simply teasing her.

As the target of his prank was Silvia, an awfully charming scene was displayed in front of our eyes.

 

“…N-no, that’s wrong, I-I was…”

 

The cheeks of Silvia, who denied Saion’s words with her head hanging down, were bright red. Somewhere inside the cafeteria, voices mixed with sighs exclaiming “so cute!” leaked out.

Indeed, my little sister was very adorable. Better yet, it seemed she even charmed people of the same sex.

When seeing Silvia’s appearance, the people around us would relax and smile. Even if those people didn’t know her. She had something that made people want to protect her.

            

From the moment Silvia appeared, I had been severed from “this world.” This world where Silvia and Soleil, as well as Saion existed, was separated from me by a glass window and the other side I was in became overshadowed.

I slowly breathed in and out, grasping my fingers tightly.

If I raised my fist, surely, I could break that glass. If I employed force, then it wouldn’t be hard to enter the other side of this window.

But I would be the only one hurt by the splinters of the broken glass. They would surely criticize me for getting in the way of their rest, of their enjoyment. I would be the only one hurt by their thoughtless words, they wouldn’t even notice how they injured me.

            

I pressed my lips that almost drew an arc unconsciously and looked at them as if nothing had happened.

The three of them, who didn’t notice my gaze, were laughing as if this incident was really amusing. In the first place, it was impossible for Soleil to have lunch with an unknown girl of doubtful origin.

 

“But I’m truly glad. That the one you were with was big sister.”  

 

Walking to the chair beside me, Silvia, who had bent her knees to peer into my expression, narrowed her eyes. Even though she had realized the one sitting opposite to Soleil was me, was there really any meaning in expressively confirming my face?

Silvia’s cold breath grazed my cheek. She looked truly relieved from the bottom of her heart, and with a smile, she innocently removed her line of sight.

That Soleil was eating with another person, Silvia wasn’t concerned if it was me. That was surely the case. When she said she was glad I was the one there, her words only carried this meaning.

Because the one who would have been hurt if Soleil had been having lunch with another girl would be Silvia. So, she was probably thinking it was great that Soleil’s partner for lunch was me.

            

Originally, the one who should have been hurt was Soleil’s fiancée, me. But it wasn’t like Silvia was worried about me. Imagining a scene where Soleil was eating with another girl, was no more than an unnecessary worry.

Silvia was finally starting to comprehend the significance in this academy of a man eating with a woman who wasn’t his fiancée.

            

When she realized that the person of the opposite sex who was eating with Soleil was me, Silvia was relieved. That’s what she told us. I wasn’t a person she needed to be on guard against.

She instinctively perceived this. I wasn’t a person worth being cautious of. She might not be aware of who Soleil had feelings for. However, she knew he didn’t have any for me.

            

… … Ah, why? Why could I understand Silvia’s feelings so well?

We will never get close. There was no future where we both lived. 

 

“… How about sitting down with us?”

 

As if to fill the momentary silence, Soleil’s calm voice resounded. It was a pleasant and kind voice. To other people, it probably sounded like the same voice as always.

But today, only I realized he was different from usual.

 

He was different from usual, different from his usual impassible attitude.

 

My fingers that were holding a fork were faintly trembling, but I tightened my grip so that no one would be able to realize it. Because I thought it would be unbearable to let others misunderstand the noise I made in the middle of the meal for sounds made out of anger, like how it happened in the distant past.

As there was a third party, Saion, here today, I was dealing with the situation even more calmly than usual. The eyes of outsiders always reminded me of my duty. The position of being the fiancée of the marquis’ heir always forced me to “act.”

Showing a composed expression even if I didn’t have any composure, pretending to be serene even if I was feeling shaken, not showing I was grieving when I was overcome with anguish, all of that in order to do the proper thing as a noble lady.

It wasn’t that hard as I had played that role any number of times in my accumulated lives.

That’s why I should have succeeded in making a smile that no one would be able to see through and perceive my real emotions.

            

I also returned a smile to Silvia who laughed from the bottom of her heart and thanked us, “Thank you for inviting me.”

There was a kind of composure in her voice as she lowered her head in embarrassment.

 

“Is your physical condition already fine?”

 

I asked her this question but something was surely wrong with the words I chose.

Hearing me, Silvia nodded her head and started to say something too, “… Yes, hum, is big sister too…” She was probably concerned about the incident that happened yesterday evening.

But the fact I almost drowned in the bath was supposed to remain a confidential matter.

Therefore, Silvia also immediately realized her verbal slip and quickly exclaimed “Ah!” in a flustered tone before shaking her head.

Then, with an apologetic expression, she muttered in a mosquito voice “I’m sorry.” Her pitiable appearance as she shrank her body made Soleil’s face contort in a grim expression for a split second. His eyes that swiftly moved to look at my face, even though they knew nothing of our circumstances, felt like they silently condemned me.

Pretending I didn’t notice his glare, I said, “It is fine, Silvia. Do not worry.”

However, I couldn’t erase the unpleasant mood that had fallen on our table.    

 

“What is it? What happened?” As expected, the one who gleefully took the bait was Saion.

Silvia awkwardly raised her head and laughed as if she was embarrassed, “No, it’s nothing.”

“If you say that, it’ll make me all the more curious, you know?” Saion pushed Soleil to get his approval, repeating “Right, right?” while suggestively curving his lips in a twist.

“… It is really nothing.” When I strengthened my tone intending to back up Silvia, for some reason, the one who showed a reaction was the person herself.

“I’m sorry, elder sister,” she said as she made her delicate body smaller and smaller.

It wasn’t like I was mean to her, so why was she making such an expression? But mysteriously, as I was watching her little face, Saion rebuked, “Hey, hey, don’t make that kind of expression.”

Even though I understood his words were clearly directed at me, I didn’t remember having shown an expression that would justify receiving such a scolding.

I wondered if I looked like I was scowling. But naturally, I didn’t have that intention. That’s why, if it had been the me of a while ago, I would probably have lost my cool and even objected. That being blamed while I hadn’t done anything was too unreasonable.

But now I knew that if I were to do such a thing, the one who would receive a drawback would be me.

I repeatedly inhaled and exhaled small breaths to spit out the lumps of heat that had accumulated inside my stomach and dropped my eyes.

I thought I had no other choice but to escape from the gaze of my surroundings.     

           

At the corner of my vision, Soleil was elegantly moving his fork and knife. He wasn’t showing any interest in our conversation. No, that’s not it. He probably didn’t have any interest in “me.”

          

“Hey Soleil, you want to know too, right?” To Saion, who was acting lively, Soleil’s calm voice answered, “Be quiet. If you’re like this, Silvia won’t be able to enjoy her meal.”

As every last word of his was spoken out of concern for Silvia, this time I couldn’t restrain my laugher.

Soleil noticed the puffing that escaped my lips. It’s only at times like this that he was sharp-sighted.

 

“Ilya?”

 

Every time he called my name, my heart tightened a little. In one of my past lives, he never called out my name even once.

I had been drowned in jeers, called “hateful,” told I would “never be forgiven” and my heart had been smashed by a stabbing glare.

I remember his figure very well. Even though the things I couldn’t remember were numerous, only the scene of Soleil rejecting me was engraved in my memory.

Even if I didn’t want to remember, no matter how much I wanted to forget, I always remembered it.

            

When I smiled despite the overwhelming emotions that made me feel nauseated, it irremediably became a painful expression of mixed tears and smile.

The moment I raised my face, I met eyes with Soleil. At that instant, he promptly turned his eyes away. As if nothing had happened.

I think it was the right reaction. It was his usual self. Unlike the time he was alone with Silvia, now he was no different from usual.

But I saw him react like this and was surprised by the fact he didn’t throw any cruel word at me. Really, the one who was abnormal was me.

 

“And so? What the hell happened?”

 

Not having given up yet, Saion was gazing at Silvia with his body leaning forward.

I told him, “Do not bother that child too much please.” It was almost an unconscious action.

I didn’t have anything in mind when I spoke up. I had simply seen Silvia frowning slightly.

I only showed a reaction to that face that aroused an absolute desire to protect.

But the one who reacted to my voice was a student sitting at the table next to ours. From who knew when, it seemed he had been listening to our conversation.

 

“… As the rumors said, she’s a fierce woman.”

 

The voice felt like its owner spoke up unconsciously. And precisely because of that, I understood it was his true thoughts. He didn’t seem to be talking to someone else, rather it sounded like he was speaking to himself, and the voice scattered and dispersed in the cafeteria.

But it resounded vividly in my ears. Because I knew they were words directed towards me. Everyone was sensitive to words filled with malice directed at themselves.

I glanced at Soleil’s, Saion’s and Silvia’s faces to see if they had noticed it, but their attention had already shifted to something else.

Such nonchalant attitudes seemed to be saying they didn’t care the slightest about me. Once again, the world was torn in two.

 

“… Ilya?”

 

The break would end in around five minutes when Soleil noticed my unusual behavior.

Although he didn’t even show the slightest sign of awareness towards me, who stayed silent until now, I guess he couldn’t help but call out to his fiancée who had been hanging her head down when his line of sight fell on her on a whim. That’s probably it.

 He had been like this from long ago. He would always continue to be my “proper fiancé.”

 

“No, it is nothing…”

 

And I will continue to be a convenient fiancée for him.

 

I’ll continue while knowing it’s an empty and fruitless relationship devoid of any salvation.

Even my willpower to change something has been shaved off, I can only accept the reality.

What on earth has my previous self accomplished?  And the one before her? What about the one from even before? Have I, in any of my lives, managed to achieve anything at all?

In order to be with Soleil, or maybe, in order to prepare for my unreasonable death, I tried to live but... This, did it have any meaning at all?

 

No matter what, why, and how I did things, I could never get Soleil’s heart.

Even though I realized it a long time ago…

 

I was unable to forget the little hand extended towards me.

 

Soleil’s hand was surely a reed, a grass, a twig, the root of a tree. It was floating on the surface of the water, and I desperately grabbed it. You could say that for me, who was drowning at the bottom of the river, I had no other choice but to cling and rely on it.

Even if, despite seizing it, it didn’t mean I could get my head above the water. After all, it wasn’t like I had received something that would pull me up.

Still, I, who kept struggling, couldn’t help but clutch onto something. I don’t know if I maybe wanted to be saved. But because I was awfully terrified at the thought of sinking alone…. I carefully wrapped both hands around the leaves of the small, small grass that were embracing my chest.

Even though I felt that something important was reflected beyond the other side of the water. My consciousness will disappear while I’ll be unable to judge what it was.

 

After all, it was better like this. It was better to not know anything…it’s better… this way.

 

Chapter 26                                                         Chapter 28