Sunday, January 19, 2020

Chapter 55


8 – The End of the End – 1

I felt I heard Crow’s voice. However, I fell into a pitch-dark space. While I felt relieved that this time it was truly “the end,” but my consciousness didn’t fade away. It was clearly not the same sensation of “death” that I had experienced many times before. Thinking it was strange, I surrendered myself to this “unknown will” that couldn’t be resisted. Then, it finally started.

It was as if I was indirectly experiencing “his” life. 

The beginning started that day. The day I killed myself. I only remember until I jumped from the chair after having wreathed a rope around my neck. The world which was dyed white for a moment turned dark then ended. That’s to be expected since I died. However, even though I had disappeared, the world itself didn’t vanish. The lives of other people continued to go on and time did not stop.  

This was a matter of course. But until now, I never thought deeply about what happened after I died. After all, as far as I could imagine, Soleil and Silvia’s fate could only be dreamlike. I thought they would live happily together, and actually, it must have been like this. That was surely why. Why apart from them, I didn’t even imagine what happened to others. 

For example, who was the person who found my body that had already stopped breathing......? If anyone was to find it, it was natural to think it would be a servant. Because apart from them, who would come to my room? However, my expectations were completely overturned. In other words, the person who found my body was someone I had never expected to.

It was Crow. 

Strictly speaking, Silvia also happened to be present. However, she only screamed and didn’t look at my face clearly to confirm it was me. But based on the fact it was her older sister’s room and that we had a quarrel the previous night, she concluded that the dead person was me. My little sister strongly shut her eyes and screamed with all her voice. Was it because she knew she was the cause for all this that she couldn’t look straight at me? The servants who had gathered wondering what happened were distracted by Silvia’s disturbed appearance and didn’t even seem to see me. 

Even when I’m dead. No one look at me. Even though it’s an incident that happened a long, long time ago, I can’t erase this sense of emptiness and futility no matter what I do. 

In the end, the only one to act and rescue me in this bustling room was Crow. But then, I had already stopped breathing, and he himself should have noticed it. Still, this person reached out to me who was hanging by the neck. I did hear him call my name, “Ilya”, though the sound was so fleeting it almost vanished. Even though his voice sounded strained, as if it took all his strength to spit out my name, it was burning with suffocation. Even though he knew his help was already too late, his voice oozed of impatience. 

He looked very heart-broken. But for him to call me like this, it felt very strange. 

Before I noticed, the room had become deadly quiet, and only Crow and I remained inside. To put it simply, all the servants seemed to have judged that a person who killed herself no longer ought to be respected. While I had died, I still should have been their master. Despite this, they left me alone because they prioritized protecting the child inside Silvia’s womb. If Crow hadn’t been here... I can’t help but think I would have remained hanged there for a long time.  

Eventually, my body was lowered into Crow’s arms. The blood had even receded from the palms of my hands, and dark red blood vessels bloated on my cheeks. No matter how you looked at me, it was clear I wasn’t alive. My eyes that had lost the spark of life were gazing at space. My appearance looked utterly queer. It was strange to look from outside at my dead body that lay down languidly, devoid of life, similar to a doll. In the first place, it was odd that Crow was holding me. This Crow kept staring at me who lay in his arms, blinking times and times again. Tears were spreading from his long black eyelashes and his mouth was shaking helplessly. His expression was greatly distorted, looking like that of a young child about to throw a temper, swaying between many expressions such as anger and bewilderment, despair and pain. 

Even someone as dense as me realized he was really grieving. He was very obviously mourning me. But for him to do so... why? After all, just before I severed my life, Crow had said it himself. 

What kind of sins did one need to commit to be sent to this kind of hell? If this is hell, then what kind of sin did you commit? 

These words were carved in my memory. Needless to say, Crow’s indifferent and cold words had overwhelmed me. Having lost my destination due to this seemingly never-ending distress, I could only accept these words, unable to refute them. I may have already lost my sanity at that time. However, even as I wreathed the rope around my neck, I was still trying to remain calm and composed, and until the very moment I jumped from the chair, I didn’t think I did anything wrong. 

As Crow had said, if I was punished for some offense I committed, then I couldn’t be saved from it. And then, because I could only choose to lead such a life of penitence, I felt there was no value in living anymore. 

However. Was that truly so? Whatever my sins might be, were they so heavy that I had to die in such a way? Moreover, in the end, what awaited me beyond that, was it only hell and nothing else? 

“.... Ilya.”

.... How long did he stay in this room? Crow muttered my name. He seemed to have called out to my corpse. Naturally, there was no answer. The stillness deepened further. No matter how much time passed, no one seemed to be coming over. At long last, Crow wrapped my body in the bedsheets and carried me carefully. Then, he left the room. At that moment, I noticed the white flowers scattered under his feet. Large and small, there was a great variety of flowers. Among them, there was also the wildflower I liked. 

Come to think of it, when he came to my room, he was holding a bouquet in his arms. As it could not have been arranged by the servants, and Soleil was even less likely, it must have been brought by Crow. Entering not from the window but from the main entrance, he must have visited the mansion as a guest. Did he think that bringing a present was necessary?

If that so, then despite such a situation, I felt a ticklish and pleasant feeling. Or, if I wanted to find a deeper meaning to his action, then, these flowers might mean that he had wanted to apologize. Because last night, we didn’t part in a peaceful fashion, then maybe today he was thinking of mending our relationship. But he couldn’t make it in time, and I couldn’t receive his huge bouquet of flowers. 

Would something have been different if I had received them?

“Let’s go, Ilya. You’re free now...”

Crow left the mansion like this, without anyone questioning him. His steps never stopped. He kept looking and moving forward. Where was he going when there shouldn’t even be a place to go? Crow put aside, for me who was only a corpse, I no longer had a place I belonged to. Well, if there was one, that would be a coffin. He should have understood it, yet, he continued walking while carrying me on his back. 

Then, we went through the city and into the mountains. It was a long, long walk. 

Around the time little stars started to shine, gliding in the darkness, he put me down with slow and careful movements. He had managed to walk carelessly for so long while carrying a person on his back by himself. “Ilya, look. It’ll be dawn soon.” Speaking so tenderly to a silent and white-faced woman seemed almost comical and much too insane. 

Is that why? Why this scene looked so sorrowful. 

In the meantime, tears had started to flow on Crow’s cheeks. In the end, he shouted like a young child, uttering something incoherent and incomprehensible. He seemed to regret that he couldn’t save me. 

In the middle of his shattered screams, I heard him say, “I want to live with you.” “Why did you have to...” It also made me want to cry and scream.

Crow. Crow. You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing wrong. Because it’s something I decided to do myself. At any rate, you could not have helped me. You have to know that it was my decision, I didn’t do it because I was debasing myself. So please, I beg you, don’t cry. 

I wanted to call out to him with these words, but they didn’t reach him. Eventually, his voice became hoarse. Nevertheless, he continued to cry silently. He might not have even noticed he was still shedding tears. It looked like he was holding onto my cold body, trying to give it some warmth... but was suffering because he couldn’t. 

He looked so sorrowful. So lonely. But that corpse wasn’t me. I had already ended. Crow. Why are you so sad? Why are you shedding tears for someone like me? Crow, Crow. Please, stop.

Stop. 

Because I’m already dead. 

**

To be honest, I thought he would give up soon. I thought he would be like anyone else, for example, after losing a loved one, he would eventually recover and move on to a new life. Even if Crow wasn’t human. 

However, it wasn’t the case. After this, he continued to look for me for a long, very long time. His overly long or should I say never-ending life couldn’t be resumed with a few words. To begin with, he seemed to have lived on his own for an endless amount of time, an amount an ordinary person couldn’t imagine. Almost like me. But I understood our lives were fundamentally different. 

I had been repeating the same time endlessly, always going back to the same moment. He had been alive for a very, very long time. 

The last time we had exchanged words, he had said this: “Can it be that you, you think that you’re the only one unhappy... ...? At that time, I just felt that he was blaming me unreasonably, and in fact, I did think I was the only person who had to bear such misfortune. However. The true meaning of these words, was exactly as he had said. My hell was only for me, but he was always living in his own hell. That’s how it was. 

I just kept watching his unfortunate life. As if looking at a dream, I became a bystander who watched Crow’s life as he continued to search for me. Crossing through time, crossing through places. Crossing over words, he pursued only one person, me. 

I would say I was like an author who wrote down a story I created. It felt like I came to know his life after he had lost “Ilya” through reading it in a text. His life may have been a fight against loneliness. 

You could say that someone who continued to look for a dead person was insane. However, in a sense, it was a natural and sane reaction. Because people couldn’t endure being lonely. 

Eventually. Beyond the innumerable world lines that overlapped and intertwined in a complex way... ...

... ... We arrived at a certain rainy day. 

I tumbled in a back alley, like a corpse. Raindrops fell on my stretched-out hand. That cold sensation probably brought me comfort because my body was feverish. My field of vision was obstructed by the dark cloudy sky and the violent rain. This memorable sight made me feel nostalgic. 

That’s right. I once saw this exact same sight. That was when I drowned in the bathtub. At that time, my memory was so unclear that I couldn’t remember what happened. However, now I knew. At that time, Crow had finally found me. He had found the “Ilya” he had been searching for all this time. That’s why he had said that in my ears:

I finally found you.”

Hearing his plaintive voice oozing with a growing sadness rather than joy, my heart trembled. At that time, because it was dark, I couldn’t distinguish Crow’s expression, and above all, my consciousness was hazy, so I could never remember his face. Until now that is.

“Finally,” he muttered again, biting on his lips. 

This person gazed at me like this, with such an expression, and spoke with such a voice. Then Crow lifted me in his arms, me who had been thrown out on the roadside, wrapping me up in his arms as if I was precious. He hugged me carefully, as if I was an infant who had just been born. As if he was gently picking up a treasure. Seeing his gentle gesture, I was dominated by quite a hard to describe emotion.  

At that instant, I felt “my body” called me. My consciousness that had melted into the atmosphere became a soul and was drawn into my body which was lying on the ground. I felt I got into my flesh in a smooth, unhindered motion. When I looked up, I immediately saw Crow’s face who looked like he was on the verge of crying. When I blinked, my eyelids collided against each other. His black eyes staring at me shook, at a loss. 

Feeling the shadow of death that I hadn’t experienced for a long time, I desperately tried to retain my life that was about to disappear. Because I had something I wanted to tell him. 

“...You... were looking for me...?”

Hearing me, Crow’s eyes widened a bit and he just nodded deeply. In truth, I didn’t need to ask, I already knew he had been looking for me. I didn’t know what name to put on this obsession, this tenacity, this overly deep emotion. I also had searched for Crow in the past, was utterly unable to find him, and ended up giving up. When I searched, searched and continued to search for him, and ended up realizing he was nowhere, I couldn’t stand the loneliness that suddenly assaulted me. Above all, I might have feared letting my heart go to someone other than Soleil. 

“But, you did it right... You found me.”

Unlike me, Crow never gave up. It wasn’t because he was strong. I understood that much already. He was lonely, sad, in pain, helplessly so. He couldn’t bear it and couldn’t help but wish for help. Maybe, human beings were created to be like this in the first place. 

The black eyes of Crow staring at me were reflecting the raindrops that captured the moonlight. Tears shone at the corners of his eyes, ready to fall at any moment. There were ephemeral and beautiful.  

“Hey, Crow... Did you know? There was a meaning. There was... a reason... why I wasn’t loved.”

I wondered why, when I was young, my parents wouldn’t hug me. I thought it was strange that only my little sister was cherished, and was very sad. The sole and only person I could call mine with pride was my fiancé, but that person ignored me. For a long time, I didn’t know the reason, so I suffered from these. However.

A father that kept thinking of a woman who wasn’t my mother, a mother who devoted her heart to the daughter of the princess she respected, and Soleil who fell in love with the sister of his fiancé. When I tried to understand the reasons I wasn’t loved, I came to understand the feelings of these people. ...... or so I felt. 

“But now it’s alright.”

I’m fine now. Yes, it’s enough. Because... 

“Because, you...”

“...love...”

“...me, right?”

Saying this, I tried to smile, but failed. The irrepressible pain in my chest made my expression twist. Crow kept looking for me despite knowing I would not return his feeling. He was always like this. ...... One time, he took care of me who was dying in a brothel, feeding me medicine. He brought me those drugs that should have been very expensive many times. Yet he never sought any rewards. At last, he brought Alfred. But in the end, I didn’t survive, and died in a place unrelated to warmth. 

Actually, I knew I wasn’t alone. 

Crow was always by my side, watching over me. Always there, beyond the other side of the window glass. 

“Ilya... Ilya...”

That’s why, it’s fine like this. If Crow is by my side, then it’s all I need. 

“... Ilya... wait...”

The fingers of Crow who was holding me dug into my skin. He clung on me, as if trying to prevent my soul from slipping out of my body. However, he knew the end was nearing. I want to embrace you. But I can no longer muster the strength to. I felt I’m falling somewhere, experiencing the same sensation as when I fall asleep. I knew my life was over. 

Yet, my consciousness didn’t vanish, and once again, it merged with the surrounding air. As before, I was “watching” Crow now.

“What should I do, to save you...?” 

His voice was so soft it was drowned by the sound of the intensifying rain. It was almost similar to a moan. But despite this, I heard his scream. Because it was so full of pain.

“What should I do, to let you live...”

In fact, he was crying, hugging my body as his whole body was shaking. 

“... Ilya, what should I do? What should I do, to save you...? Please, tell me...”

“Please, I beg you, help me...”

“Help me... save you.”

His trembling voice was so unclear it was barely audible if you didn’t strain your ear, yet it was a scream. 

But you are wrong, Crow. ... ... You’re wrong. 

I don’t want anyone to save me anymore. I don’t wish to be saved. Not because I gave up. I’ve understood. I’ve understood that it was fine like this. Watching Crow’s overly long life, I finally understood. I have already been saved a long time ago. 

Moreover. I could at last choose to let go of Soleil’s hand. I could entrust Silvia to him, and wish for a future where they could live together. While I still felt a tearing pain, I could say with pride that this choice was the right one. 

No, even supposing I was wrong, I must still choose the same path. 

Even if I were to be once again sent back to the tea party of that day, I’ll no longer want to remain by Soleil’s side, and will pray for his and Silvia’s happiness... I don’t think these words are a mere show of courage, I think they are the truth. Precisely because I’ve experienced the same time over and over again. Yes, it seems like it.

That’s why. 

This time, I want to help Crow. If this is what you wish me to do.

Then, if there is a next time, I want to live this kind of life. Because I was given, and I never gave, I just want to become a person who can give. 

Crow, my black bird... ...

I want to live with you.

I want to try living together with you. 


                                                                                    Chapter 56

Nocta's words: 

Hello friends, we meet again! Didn’t think the author would update this series again. She started a new arc, the End of the End, so we should be heading toward a resolution. Will we receive the answers to your question regarding Ilya’s repeating her life and Crow’s curse/magic? Regarding the miracle that brought them together? Why was Soleil unable to act in his short arc? Why did Crow see the doctor’s ghost or apparition? I bet we won’t have answers... but I’m a pessimist! 
See you again, whenever the author feels like writing! 


158 comments:

  1. I really wanna see the 'real' Soleils face if he finds out that she doesn't love him anymore, (since he actually doesn't love her sister as we found out in a previous chapter but was made to be like this, since I know this im not really mad at him rather at her sister) Im pretty sure that the sister is the reason well that would be super clicé.

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    1. But doesnt it seem like the sister actually cares for her sometimes?

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    3. Seem you dont really read otome isekai often thats why its super clicé

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    4. What do you mean soleils doesnt l9ve silvia? And he actually love Ilya?

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    5. Well, in the arc "the dream that Soleil sees is" we were told Soleil doesn't act on his free will, and little by little he seems to be forced to love Sylvia instead of Ilya. Who knows if the author still remember this and will give us an explanation soon... Well, it would already be great if we just could have chapter 56 for now...

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    6. Can I ask what chapter is that?

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    7. That would be chapters 15 to 17

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    8. I was under the impression that even though the "real" Soleil's intentions were good, he hadn't actually fallen in love with Ilya, just wanted to. We haven't had a look into Silvia's consciousness, but I would assume that it would be the same as Soleil's.

      It's also been implied that, in its own way, Silvia's existence is just as miserable as Ilya's in many of her lives, and tainted in guilt in others. At least in the majority of her lives she's taken care of her sister in her own way. Soleil is a massive jerk in almost all of his.

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    9. سؤال هل هذه نهاية

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    10. Honestly guysss, if you are talking about his dream, I think it was more like his guilty conscience rather than real personality or love for Ilya. He wanted to do something but couldn't do... what could be the reason? it's friggin simple... His WILL POWER wasn't strong enough for supporting his Fiance. I friggin hate himノಠ益ಠ)ノ. And her sister... Honestly friggin pure????? Are you kidding me. If she says he loved her father, would you still call her pure?? Even if she doesn't know things like this, even if she is innocent. Yes, a love with her father, THAT'S STRAIGHT DISGUSTING. To me her LOVING AND HAVING CHILD WITH HER SISTER'S FIANCE is the same as loving her FATHER, and I meant romantic love. And honestly?? How come is she innocent. Did you guys forget how she came to check Soleil if He was having lunch with some other girl. You call her innocent?? Innocent girls got suspicious of a girl meeting her boyfriend?! Lol. So funny. She cares about her sister, my ash. It's what Silvia herself believes. If you love your sister, will you go seduce around her fiance?!
      Dang ittt.
      It was No offense towards anyone
      But those shits Soleil and Silvia.
      If you still say they were good, wanted to be good , No offense, but you have no humanity.

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    11. same i just want an explanation bc it seems like such a sudden plot twist? has soliel been being controlled this entire time by fate but is slowly breaking loose of it?

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    12. I reread the whole story and from what I gathered Soleil was being forced to love Silvia by ‘something.’ Wether he actually loves Ilya or if he just wanted to be a proper enough husband that you could consider a trustworthy friend I can’t tell, but it’s clear he didn’t have the intention of betraying Ilya the way he did. And at the end of Soleil’s dream arc when he found out that Ilya was dead, even though he was described to be laughing physically his mind seemed to be really saddened by the fact that he had caused Ilya’s inevitable demise. I also remember multiple times where the author describes from Soleil’s point of view that it was not necessarily Soleil that was loving Silvia and hating Ilya but specifically his body or possibly another ‘Soleil’ controlling Soleil’s body.

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    13. I don’t know if it was intentionally put in that specifically Soleil’s body was doing all the actions or if it was just translated that way but it seemed pretty clear that Soleil had no control over his body and slowly his mind and heart was also being taken over by this ‘force’

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    14. No I think that chapter is about his dream. The present Soleil dreamed about his first life, not as an audience but another soul in his own body. The-present-him experienced what he did in the past life, that's why he's not the controller of the body ^^

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  2. i like this but dam i had to control myself from bursting out crying or else i would seem hella weird

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    1. I straight up cried while reading this...
      I hope the author updates someday :) we need some resolution! I also want to see some people punished... grrr

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  3. As always thank you for your work. I think that the autor will answer to all our question, because since the beginning all the dark aspect of the story always come to light. If i can trow a wild guess i think crow's father had something to do to ilya "curse".
    Again thank for translating this wanderful love story.

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    1. It would be great if the author manages to warp every knot together and solves all your questions. I still have hope!

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    2. lord jesus it's been almost a year, im starting to lose hope

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  4. Holy moly it updated.

    I NEED THESE TWO TO HAVE HAPPY TIMES TOGETHER WITHOUT THE LOOMING THREAT OF DEATH AUTHOR PLEASE

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  5. long time no see, its finally an update!!! thank you for your hard work for this chapter. i hope we can get our answers from this arc and some character get their retribution.

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    1. I hope so. But first it would be great if the author updates more often

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  6. I feel so dumb right now... So why did she keep looping back to 'that day' again? Was I too slow and didn't notice the answer? I feel unsatisfied with the ending. It was hinted at that Soleil might've been in love with Ilya. What happened to that subplot? Unfortunately I couldn't read the last few chapters properly lol my eyes are too excited and skim-read a lot. I'm glad that that Ilya finally got out of that loop, but considering that she said "I'll try living together with you" and "You love me" more than once it's pretty clear to me that Crow's affections weren't reciprocated. But then again it might be a heavy implication that that ending is the start of a beautiful love between them. Although it reads a lot like a rebound relationship.

    Thank you for the translation!

    PS Sorry lol I realized my comment is kinda messy.

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  7. I thought I was ready for another angsty chapter but nope! What are these droplets forming from my eyes?? I just really want Ilya and Crow to stop suffering and be happy for once. My heart aches again. Also, thank you for your hard work and translations!! I really appreciate you!

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    1. You're welcome! It's my pleasure to bring you tears ^^

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  8. No quiero ilusionarme, pero en serio espero que todo vaya bien.

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  9. I'm actually rooting more for a bad end for Silvia and Soleil rather than a good end for Ilya. Does that make me insane?

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    1. No, everyone who has read this novel is insane. Since everyone is insane, insanity is the norm, so we are perfectly normal.

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  10. Oh god. I thought this novel was finished. I was silently hoping that it would update and it did!!!!

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  11. the author is real sadist... even after last chapter s/he didnt stop and start new arc.. i'm delighted story still continue but my heart gonna break when precious ilya keep suffering.

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  12. The author is sadist, meanwhile we are masochist. Don`t blame the author.
    THANKS FOR YOUR HARD WORK

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  13. AAAAAAAA A SHE'S BACK SHE'S BACK OHMYGHOD OHMYGHOD HOMAHGAHD YES
    TIME TO FIND THE HAPPY END BOYS I'M REaDy tO gO

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  14. IM SCREECHING RN YAS GURL FIND A WAY TO LIVE WITH WONDERFUL MAGNIFICENT CROW YES GET THAT HAPPY ENDING YOU SO FREAKING DESERVE AAAAAAAAAAA

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  15. That taste like shit. "Because I was given, and I never gave, I just want to become a person who can give."
    Hey just already go batshit crazy take their lives in the worse possible way and repeat it eternally. It's hell "What kind of sins did one need to commit to be sent to this kind of hell? If this is hell, then what kind of sin did you commit? "

    Ilya is the monster and judge not the damned.
    This story is just like a big preamble, to a damn really warped vengeful tale.

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    2. Creo que se refiere a cuervo cuando dice que recibió y no dio, no a su hermana o su prometido, cuervo le brindó amistad y la cuido, y todas las veces que murio ella pudo ver sus sentimientos, creo que cuando dice que nunca dio, sereferia a que nunca se dio por vencida y no queria soltar la mano del maldito Solei, ashhh como como lo odio, también oído a la hermana a más no poder, creó que esa musaraña también vivió varias vidas y era tan egoísta como la madre, puss como esas dos mujeres la madre biológica y la que la crío, ambas son basura, yo no soy tan buena y deseo que tanto la hermana cómo el prometido terminen viviendo su propio infierno y se llenen de dolor y arrepentimiento, ni decir de los padres que mueran en la inmunda y sufran

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  16. Por cierto, mily gracias traductor

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  17. Hi would you mind if i borrow your translation to translate to vietnamese? I really like this novel so i want to share it with my friends

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    1. I don't mind at all! Let's share it with even more people! Making them cry as they read little Ilya's story!
      Good luck with your translation!

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    2. Oh, someone asked me last month if they could translate it in Vietnamese, they left a comment on the Index page. I don't have a way to contact them, but maybe you can try and look for their translation, and work together?
      But if you want to do it alone, I personally don't mind at all. It's just that translating take so much time, it helps stay motivate when doing it with others.

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    3. Thx you so much ^^ i read their trans but i don't like it and they drop for few chap i think

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  18. it was somethings worth to read. Very emotional novel with good translation. Thanks for updating

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  19. So when will we have the life of Illya who was dumped in a backalley? We only saw a snippet of her life's end but anything that lead up to it?

    It took Illya how many lifetime to let go of Soleil? That's some deep derp affection.

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    1. Maybe just maybe, she had her feelings because of the memories. Believing Ilyia as a narrator is not a good thing, however, if we ponder about it a little longer, we could assume that she just traled to the past and regained memories of her previous lives. So maybe she lived her childhood in which she dearly loved
      Soleil, and only after that "tea party" did she reminisce about her previous lives. Meaning that we can assume Ilyas feelings were true to her soul at that time, so she just simply couldn't abandon her feelings so easliy, so early. Maybe because of that Ilya had to liv ethrough hell, until she all the grief and pain and aguish accumulated in her previos lives outweiged her love for Solei, that she didn't chose him.
      // However, Because of Kaliarya Ignis's or simply Crow's arc, I contemplated about her lives and came to the conclusion that just maybe, maybe she simply crossed over the worlds. It means she traveled to the past of another alternative universe. (or maybe since time can't be interfered with, the timelines of her dying and the tea party in another world coincided)It would mean she might have lived the life until she regained her memories. And since the explanation of "another wolrds", this should make more sense, but the explanation of why her love and affection to Soleil too ss long to let go of still remains the same.

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  20. Ahhhhhhh damn this sadist author whyyy. My eyes hurt from the tears. Ive been crying since I started this and it's been at least 3hrs.

    Thanks for the translation, even if i've died a little on the inside. ;-;

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    1. I translate for this ultimate goal: reaping pieces of the readers' soul!

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  21. Ahh, if this truly is the ending, I'm unsatisfied! I don't care as much to know a concrete reason for Ilya's repeating life, though several times it feels like it's probably that "force" that moves the lives of humans, what the characters call fate or destiny. But I NEED to know the reason for Soleil's arc. Why was he able to dream about a parallel life? Why does this Soleil seem to care a lot more about Ilya than the other Soleils? Like you, translator, that arc was what really inspired my obsession with this story so more than any other plot thread I want to see this one resolved. I also feel a little betrayed, since I took that arc to mean that Soleil will eventually return Ilya's feelings, and that that is what will finally release Ilya from her repeating cycle. Why show us this if Crow was the real endgame? Maybe to punish Soleil and make him loose Ilya right when he was beginning to love her back, but then wouldn't it be more satisfying to force Soleil to watch as Ilya chose someone over him? Since this story began revolving around the trio of Ilya/Soleil/Silva I would've liked to at least see the resolution for those three. And yet.
    Still, despite saying all this, I wouldn't mind if the story ended here since I'm not sure I can spend months waiting for a new chapter update. Thanks for all your hard work translator-sama! I think these characters will stay with me for a long time.

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    1. Yes. Soleil little arc was actually what got me totally hooked. Expecting to see some improvement with their relationship. But I don't mind crow too. I was just not expecting it to be like this.

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  22. Gracias por todo tu trabajo esta historia se ha convertido en mi favorita en muchos sentidos si es locura bienvenida sea seguiré esperando un final feliz para illya y cuervo en serio muchas gracias eres increíble escritor

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  23. I'm such a masochist I suddenly remembered this novel after forgetting about it for months and thought, "you know what I want my heart ripped out so I can cry buckets again cause it should be finished by now right?" but I was only half right. This story makes me cry with every single chapter that the two of them don't get their happiness together.

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  24. I READ THIS ALL IN ONE NIGHT AND I AM CRYING SO. HARD. RIGHT NOW I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS STORY DEAR GOD WHY

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    Replies
    1. Congratulations for reading it all without getting the urge to hang yourself! And welcome to the M club! Be aware that our first custom is to wait several months for the author to update!
      Currently, we are in our 3rd month since the last update. The record is half a year. Good luck

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    2. November, 2020 and author still doesn't update. I would say that is a new record.
      BTW, I'm typing while trying to dry my tears lol
      This story really is heartbreaking

      Delete
  25. Thank you so much for your translations!

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  26. Ok, I literally just saw this bc this is gonna have a manga version. And holyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy my crying time has come back to life

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, the manga has and will bring around new sufferers... I mean readers
      I hope you'll revive safely!

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    2. I came here from the manga. Hehe. It was made very well very similar to how it is in the novel but cannot wait for the updates that's why I looked for the this. Happy to have found it. ��

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    3. As much as I would enjoy a manga version hopefully the author hasn't forgotten about this novel TT__TT

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  27. i just stumbled on this story because of the promitional manga and currently not sure why this waterworks wont stop flooding out of my eyes... this is a true gem that could really rip the readers hearts and also THANK YOU for taking the time to translate this... i appreciate your hard work and if i will try to find other stories that you might have translated as well as a support

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad you liked it!
      I haven't translated any other novel, because it's quite time consuming and also maybe because I might be a tad bit lazy? Hehehe
      But your tears and kind words are all I need!

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  28. Oh god thank you so much! I tend to stay away from novels but I'm glad I read this one your translation is really good thank you for your effort. Is it naive of me to think crow an Ilya will get a happy ending now??

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    1. No, let's have hope just this once! Hope that the author won't make things more difficult for them after all the stuff they already went through

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  29. I came here from the manga and literally marathon it until here. Thanks for the translation. The story literally makes me hard to breathe reading it. Glad that finally Ilya can let go solleil.

    I really relate with Ilya though. With love you can't be rational, even if you know that it easier to just let go, you can't just immediately let go like that, love doesn't work that way.

    Though the reason she obsessed with solleil is because she want warmth love cuz in her entire life no one love her (AL is just loyal with her, he can't give her love).

    And that's where crow come, they can heal each other love. While I want to see Ilya happy. Hopefully the people who literally make her life a living hell get the payback for that. I will disappointed if the author just make it ending like silvia n solleil live happily ever after just because they it was a different world where they don't hurt Ilya yet.

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  30. Realmente solo vine a llorar, quiero más de esta historia. La he seguido desde el inicio y nunca he comentado porque el sentimiento fue más doloroso que cualquier cosa, siempre que leo tengo que estas encerrada en mi cierta y a una hora donde todos duerman para que no me escuche llorar. Sinceramente al diablo Soliel y Silvia!, yo solo quiero que Ilya y Crow sean felices, ambos han sufrido lo suficiente y es momento de que tengan un poco de felicidad.

    En fin, solo quería decir que agradezco mucho tu traducción, tu esfuerzo es recompensado con las personas que te vienen a apoyar. Espero que todo esta bien en dónde estés y que tengan fuerzas para todo! Gracias por tú esfuerzo owo.

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    1. Pd: perdón por las faltas de ortografía, estaba llorando y escribiendo rápido el mensaje ToT

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    2. Thank you for your kind words! Me and my family are fine, luckily we live in the countryside, it's relatively safe. I hope everything is fine for you and you loved ones too!
      And I'm very glad you like this story! Thank you for reading it even when it makes you cry that much!

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  31. I'm bursting into tears..........
    My husband just looking at me speechless "what do you read? Why are you crying like a child like that??" LOL
    OMG!!!! Thank you so much for your kindness and hardwork in translating this story, especially in this Covid19 Pandemic.......
    I really hope Ilya can be happy together with Crow.... I hope for a little vit happy ending for Sylvia, She is just naive little ojou-san who doesn't know the world, blame the parents and Sol...... I hoping the bad ending for the parents though, hmph!!!
    Can't wait for the next chapter!!! Thank You!!!

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    1. Happy ending for sylvie my foot I wish she has the worst possible ending

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  32. I haven't read the whole novel but reading this chapter alone already made me cry. I don't think my heart is ready to read the whole novel yet so I'll skip it for now but will probably read it in the future.

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  33. omfg i cried so much at that i ran out of tears T___T !! Ilya !! Crow!! please have a happy ending !! I don't know if I have anymore tears to cry!

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  34. Is this novel still updating??

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    1. Yeah, we've caught up with the author, and are waiting for her. Her last update was 4 months ago, but last time it took her 5 months to write this chapter. So, we haven't broken the record yet!

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    2. It's been over 6 months now.
      I guess writing this is really difficult.

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  35. Thank you for the updates! Just binge read this entire thing in one sitting from 2 am to 5 am, worth it. I hope Ilya and Crow have a happily ever after! Author please dont torment us anymore TT

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  36. God I avoided this series first and then I thought I will give it a chance thinking how worst could this be
    I was wrong absolutely it made me cry so much on every chapter I could feel the sadness and on some I could not contain myself and cried
    Damm I hate the fiancee and especially the goody good shoes evil to her rotting bones the little sister
    I hate them both I hate all the family even the father and the mother
    Even when their actions are justified I hope they have 10 times the pain my llya has gone through hummm
    I hope the author won't give more difficulties to crow or llya
    I am hoping for some warm hearting romantic scenes to smooth my wounds and scars and the burn that this story has left on me
    Please author
    Don't torment us anymore
    (Except for sweet fluffy Scnes we all know crow and llya deserves)
    Thanks for listening

    the mad ranting maiden

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  37. Read this in the middle of my fasting day make me want to break it 😢 so hurtful yet beautiful. The author S, translator-san S and the reader (us) M what a perfect combo and finally I can catch the last chapter, hope that we shouldn't wait for too long hehe.
    Anyway thank you for your hard work and please stay with us *wink

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  38. Would it be really a happy ending if Illya were to start living with who knows how old Crow was. but I bet Crows affection liked he said "can't be described as simple as love" soo... perhaps It wasn't love like how he love Emma? But sure he cares alot about Illya after all the Loneliness link both of them together....
    The lines
    "Crow my black bird" reminds me of Emma
    Come to think of it, where did Illya learned the same lullaby?
    Maybe Emma and Illya are relative after century and centuries?

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  39. I just read this story yesterday & I love it. So I really hope it will end as the translator-sama hoped for & all the mystery solved.

    Thanks for translating this novel, please continue to translate it if new chapter come ����

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  40. I am happy with the last arc, now i am more happy the author decided to continue the novel.

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  41. You know what ? I've read this story before... I think the last time should be at the beginning of last year, caught up with the TL and raw then I drop this for a while.

    After that, I browse Through my history and saw this story again, at that time I thought "Ah, yes, I remember this one... The one that made me cried so much and fuming with anger yet I love it so much" I checked and there was a new updates, normally I would read immediately if there was an update, but I hesitated with this novel because I remember the tears, pain, and anger that I felt when reading this, so yes I drop it again.

    To be honest I'm not really good with these type of novels, it brought me so much tears and pain that I couldn't bear it, but there was times when I just want to read this kind of story... So this novel is one of the very few of them, and this is one of the few novels that I remember deeply how the major plots gone though I don't really remember the details, since I had read so many novels it's not an exaggeration to say I had read a few thousands of novels. No, I'm not lying I've been reading novels for years everyday with all kinds of genre as long as it interests me.

    This novel really left a deep impression on me, even when I dropped this it still sometimes come to my mind and Everytime I always hesitated to pick it up again, I always thought "let's read it again later when I could prepare my heart and the translation is ending".

    Yet, when I was browsing through to search for a new manga to read I found the manga adaptation of this novel there's only a prologue but I thought that since it's only a prologue I should be able to get through it without crying, and I'm glad I didn't cry though it made me determined to pick this again because it really drove my interests, I thought that even if I cried it wouldn't be too bad.

    Since I don't really remember the details I read this from the beginning again to relieve my memories and so I could understand the plot better, and the result was..... I was wrong, it was a mistake, what makes me think that I could get through this novel without agonizing so much ? What makes me think that even if I cried it wouldn't be too bad since I knew how the plot generally goes ?

    Yet, as I read through the story I cried and felt angry at every chapter, I cried so much that my eyes got red. It's painful... I feels so sad and painful, but it still didn't stop me from reading this, at every tears I shed I never failed to click the next chapter even though it was so sad and painful I can't stop reading it to the point I ended up binge reading this while crying the whole night till morning.


    I want to say thank you so much for translating this, and hopefully the author will give Ilya her happy ending.

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  42. Thank you for translating!
    But its been bothering me about what happened to Illya in that life and why is she in the back alley?

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  43. It has been some time, but here am I as always, waiting for the new chapter....meanwhile I am raging because someone said the this is a story that goes in the "villainess" genre in a denigrating way...I do read a lot of that genre, but this is for sure not one of those!! This is pure tragedy😭....I love this novel so much!! This is not your usual kind of story!!

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  44. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  45. I started reading this 2 days ago (I had to take several breaks when Ilya's suffering was just too damn much).

    Early Soleil and Silvia are frustrating as all hell. But if what Crow said earlier is true, and the versions of Soleil and Silvia are different from world to world, imagine how messed up the last incarnations are gonna be. In the last incarnation, neither Soleil nor Silvia betrayed Ilya. They may not be perfect, but they both genuinely seemed to care for her, even if they're bad at expressing it and bad at realizing how much she needs love. Instead of being able to repair their messed up relationships with Ilya, their last memory of her is watching her sacrifice herself. That's gotta be super traumatic.

    Now, if you're gonna hate someone, hate their jerk of a father. In every reality where both Ilya akd Silvia exist, it's because their Dad had an affair. And in all those realities, he ignores and denigrates Ilya. He also spoils Silvia, which is probably the reason she ends up as a bitch in so many worlds. Their mother is also pretty awful, but considering she committed suicide in at least one world, she clearly has her own issues. Their father is the real villain, as far as I'm concerned, and he never takes any responsibility for the damage he caused.

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    Replies
    1. Tots rightt.. I so hate the father and the princess, they are the worst, I hope the author can write a world where they are tortured and decimated

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  46. damn I caught up but I still wanted more :( it was getting interesting too. Oh well i can wait :((

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  47. 1. Is it the end of the novel?
    2. Is it SE or HE?
    I don’t really want to read SE, always makes my heart breaks:<<<<

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    1. It's hasn't ended yet, the author is just veeeery slow to update. It took us 6 months between chapter 54 and 55. As for ch.56... maybe next month? Because that'll make 6 month since she wrote ch.55
      I don't think we are heading toward a SE, actually we are closer to a relatively HE. But if you decide to read, you'll heart will break anyway.

      Delete
  48. I want Ilya to end up with soleil, i just can't imagine her with Crow is that weird ?

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    1. I won't call you weird, but your ship is definitively in the minority of readers. Whether it's this comment section or the spoiler thread in NU forums, most people wish he'll see hell

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    2. Me too. I think Crow as a best friend for Ilya. Although, I'm happy about their development, I can't ignore the Soeil's POV chapters, as well as how he acted in this life. Guess we'll know when the author decides to update. ��

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    3. But how about Al, her escort?

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  49. I rarely find people who finish the translations, for several reasons I'm sure. Thanks for your great translation and for keeping at it, which I hope you'll continue till the end.

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  50. thank u so much for your marvelous translation! this story hit me like a canon ball, i started reading yesterday and already finished

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  51. I'm not crying but my heart and head hurt from holding my tears of how painful it is. I really want to see Soliel and Sylvia reaction if they know what Ilya been through, everything. I wish Ilya and Crow be together and have a good ending please. They really deserve it. They need to be happy. My hearts can't take it. It's too painful.

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  52. Ahh i read this novel from 1am till 6 am and for 6 hours straight ive been crying because Ilya tragic life now all my eye is swelling and i have presentation at 8am 🙈🙈🙈🙈 good job me

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  53. Binge read this for the past two days (spent a lot of crying and lamenting between chapters).... and I’ve only slept a hand full of hours... my eyes... RIP... I have given up on a happy ending earlier on and I was absolutely fine (took a lot of energy to come into terms) that’s how this ish works so yeah moving to the point, normally when a person gets so warped up with their love so many times (let’s be honest ilya should’ve let go of soleil and saved herself the pain in each world to some extent) they’d eventually get sick of it and not want having anything to do with it... which makes me think.. these last few chapters really emphasized the feelings crow has for ilya and it’s not just love and as mentioned by crow it was more of an obsession but imo it’s like when you’ve finally found peace with someone and comfort in laying out all of your vulnerabilities... so I just feel like if the author wraps this up as a romantic ending between crow and Ilya rather than an ending where both these characters heal each other and find comfort I’d be tinyyyyyyy but disappointed... welp I’ve rambled on a lot... I really loved this webnovel... the author has a special seat in hell with their name on it and im ready to keep them company ^^ ♥︎ the translation was *chef kiss* thank you very much Hermit!!! I truly enjoyed the work so much more with the smooth translation ♥︎♥︎

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    1. Thank you very much for your kind words! I'm glad you enjoyed the story ^^

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  54. Thanks for your hard work. I cried many times reading this novel, I am glad that you continued translating them. Anyway, keep safe and stay healthy.

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    Replies
    1. You too! It's important to keep it up and continue to be careful and protect oneself and the others!

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  55. Just binge read this light novel and cried through the entire thing, I haven't cried like that in a really long time. Thank you both

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  56. I knew about this novel being translated awhile back, but never bothered trying to read it because I hated cheating men and white lotuses not getting retribution. Can't believe I read it this far. I feel like beating up a few characters in this story. Happy that Ilya is forging a new path, but the fiance and little sister do not deserve a good ending, they had too many in the alternate worlds.

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  57. I really hope I can see it from the father's perspective, like first I can see the story between him and the princess and second I just can't believe he is so emotionless.

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  58. I came here after reading the promotional manga and binged it for 2 days. When I started, I cried for 7 hours straight and woke up with a fever. I was miserable every chapter but I guess this is just one of those works where you just can't stop no matter how much it hurts. Despite all that, thank you very much for your hard work in translating this beautiful piece of work. I may not be able to read the raws, but the fact that you were able to convey the sadness the tragedy tag was supposed to invoke in each chapter really shows you did a very good job. It must have been very hard and stressful for you, but thank you very very much.

    On that note, I'm still really hoping for for a Soleil POV on what happened after Crow took Illya's corpse. Was he shameless enough to live happily with that bitch sister knowing they drove Illya to kill herself? Did society ever find out how Illya really die and did they pounce on Soleil and Silvia for it? How about Al? Did he wreak havoc on them for Illya? God this has exhausted me so much I'm not even expecting a HE for Illya, but at the very least give us the bad end for Soleil and Silvia. And when that happens I want the "If you are being punished, what sin did you commit?" line to appear CAUSE THEY FREAKING DESERVE IT aghhhhhhh

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    Replies
    1. In the novel (the paper one that was published) there is a story about Soleil and Silvia's lives, in the timeline where Ilya ends up as a prostitute. After Ilya's death, they don't live happily ever after.
      And if you think about it, in the timeline Ilya hangs herself, Silvia miscarried when she discovered her.
      I personally think the author is a sadist and actually, all her characters suffer and never get happy endings.
      But I just hope the author will one day bring us closure. A not too depressing one, if possible.

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    2. wait wait hold on a min', what happened to them after Ilya ended up as a prostitute? Was it only on the published version? Or did I miss something?

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    3. It was only in the published version, I don't remember the exact details. It's something I read on a forum, or a comment. I just remember they weren't happy, sorry, it's not very helpful ^^

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  59. Thanks for working hard translator. I enjoyed crying my heart out. Hope the author updates a lot and hopefully really soon as well.

    Also, everyone's been shipping Ilya and Crow, but what about Mr Knight Escort Albert? At some point, I thought he'd be the one who's gonna end up with Ilya.

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  60. Phew, I found this just a day ago, but I'm finished! I thought that since this counted as epilogue arc, I wouldn't regret binging it. Well... I guess I'm wrong because this still ends up a lowkey cliff-hanger.

    Despite how it's been going, I still hope they achieve a happy ending of their own or just a sensible ending. i think the author did a good job at expressing the character's feelings but hopefully they'll actually explain the reasoning for many things like why is this happening at all or if Soliel was under the control of fate and etc... otherwise, it'd just seem like a motif of angst headcanons being smashed together LMAO

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  61. I hope the author did not forget to continue this story! I want Ilya and Crow to get married and have a happy life together! 💗❣️💕💗

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  62. Wahh author please update the story, the year is gonna end soon, but at the same time take your time because I don’t want to pressure you, and your mental health matters more. Do I sense..... A HAPPY ENDING??? Oh gosh it’s possible. After crying buckets of tears I can hope for a happy for them. I’m glad Ilya x Crow is cannon and not the other dude cause screw him. I wish for their and I hope everyone around them (except Al) to suffer forever because they deserve it.

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  63. Thank you so much for translating this novel!

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  64. I am VERY happy that everything is going well, I am even afraid of the author spoiling this happiness, but I still wanted to see ilhya screaming and slapping her "fiancé" ...
    And to think that there was a time there at the beginning of history when I thought that Crow was the son of the ilhya who had returned in the past, it would have been interesting if that had been it, but I prefer him being himself

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  65. It won't just end like this right? It's still ongoing right? I feel like there''s still so much left to unfold and I want to see Ilya and crow happy,,, like how will they live together, where will they go, Ilya isn't immortal so what will happen next, the repetitive lives, the miracle,,,there are so many things I want to know,,,, It better NOT end like this but the author hasn't updated it in MONTHS,,, I've lost hope

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  66. Finally, Ilya has found love! I am definitely not a masochist but I had to read until she is also loved and got some form of a happy ending or endings y’know. Imagine if all the other worlds were affected when she finally got together with Crow and all the Ilya’s also get happy endings. But really, why did she have to suffer so much? Will she only meet and love Crow this way or is it for Crow to meet and love her? And Sylvia will always be impure to me, I hope she suffers for making her sister suffer so much. Thank you very much for translating this! At least I know there’s someone actually insane to write about multiverses as tragic as this one and someone as insane to translate it. That must mean I’m also insane but at least I get to feel something. My tears were not for naught, Ilya and Crow found each other. Really thank you very much translator!

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  67. Please nocta tell me the author will update... I found this novel yesterday and finally I'm here... Never felt as miserable as reading this novel. Thanks for translating~. It's really weird that I completed "lucia" and picked this next...sad

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    1. I'd love to tell you the author will update soon but... unfortunately she hasn't updated since January. We can only wait and hope.
      Lucia was a good read, but for you to come read Ilya's story next, I don't know if you're lucky or not. This is such a tragic novel mwawawa

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    2. so i google translated the website for the novel and it said something about the physical book coming out on dec 9,, maybe we'll get the last chapter on that day?

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    3. Ah no, that message has been here for two or three years. The physical books 1 and 2 are already published

      Delete
  68. I am so confused when others are praying for more continuation to this story. I thought this is already a happy end. Last chapter is just a Ilya's POV of how she felt about Crow, and her realization of how much he has done for her. Her realization that Crow always loved her gives her the courage in the last chapter to declare that she will live with Crow.

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    1. When I mean "last chapter" I mean chapter 54*

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    2. There are still so manyyy unanswered questions, which, if left alone, will be a major plot hole. One instance is that chapter where Soleil's POV was shown, where it looks like he acts separately from his consciousness. Like everything including his words and actions were predetermined. I need an explanation to that.

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    3. but do you think it is a happy ending so far despite there are a lot of unanswered questions?

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    4. So far, I'm satisfied with the last chapter. I hope they really end up together and be happy together in the end without Soleil.

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  69. Thank you very much for the translation, after crying and suffering, I continue to suffer haha ​​the chapter was emotional. I hope the author continues and we can enjoy this wonderful novel together. Again thank you very much.

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  70. Thank you for the tears and heartbreak. This story was so deep and the twists were so worldly and complex that it immersed me.

    Truly the song lyrics, "in another life i would make you stay." fits Illya and Crows so much.

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  71. Wahhhh. Will this novel be updated soon? I can't let this end here. I've invested too much of my emotions and I've got so many unanswered questions :'( BTW, thanks for translating this! ❤️

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  72. Hey nocta, can you recommend some other novels like this? But with proper ending?

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    Replies
    1. Hum I actually don't read tragedies. I'm a sadist, not a masochist!
      But from what I know, you can try Shuumatsu Nani Shitemasu ka?
      or Violet Evergarden or Katahane no Riku
      I heard that "You shine in the moonlight" is quite beautiful too.
      I hope you'll find something nice to read!

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  73. Hello Nocta!! It has been almost a year...any news?

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    1. Hello Francy21! Unfortunately, no news whatsoever. The author hasn't written anything in any of her series since May. Maybe she is busy IRL?
      Since Ilya's story was made into a manga I still have hope for an ending one day.

      Delete
  74. I want to see my little boy... here he comes:

    https://twitter.com/pimashiro/status/1305518374273785859?s=19

    (Insert crow in color)

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  75. i somehow wished she wouldn't wait adn see how ppl treated her after her death. it woud be painful..but als..she witnessed it all..
    Now apart from finding happiness, i do want to see the downfall of who hurt her, but if Emmas life was anything as an example, then author simply will not write something like remorse, faceslap etc... but its okay.

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  76. It's been a year now,,,,

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  77. I'm pretty sure the series has ended... it's been a year (  ゚,_ゝ゚) Let's just pretend the author had contracted a serious – SERIOUS– case of amnesia... ಥ‿ಥ

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  78. I came back here so I could draw this scene and I was fully expecting to actually start sobbing and lets just say I didn’t disappoint myself ;x;

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  79. I came here after reading the first pages of the published manga. And I cried my eyes out while reading the translated novel. Iliay suffering is just to much and the translation too good, you can't help but sympathize with her. Thank you for the good work translater. I do hope for an happy ending, because she deserves it, so please author, update.

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  80. Thank you for translating this beautiful story ��

    I also found my way here after reading the first few manga chapters then spent a day binge reading the rest of the story with tears rolling down my cheeks �� What a Rollercoaster ride that was!

    I have a theory about Soleil... when we're shown his perspective the discrepancy between his thoughts and actions is explained a number of times. This starts before he even sees Sylvia so I don't think its a case of his heart and head fighting, but rather it indicates that someone/something else is controlling him.
    We already know that possession is possible in this world because Crow possesses the doll after his body turns to dust.
    If we accept that Soleil was being possessed then the list of suspects is quite narrow. It has to be someone with magical power and Crow has already told us that those kinds of people don't really exist anymore.
    Is this a world that Crow jumps into at some point in the future? Would he possess Soleil and make him scorn Ilya in an attempt to drive them apart so that he can live with her instead?
    While he might have the means and a motive, I just can't imagine Crow glaring at Ilya through Soleil's eyes and saying those horrible words that break her heart.
    I think the more likely suspect is another powerful magician. One with unscrupulous morals, who we haven't heard from since his body was also turned to dust ��

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  81. I regret reading this story but I will also regret if I don't read this story!

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  82. why can I stop crying WHY WHY WHY alsoo who else is reading this in 2021 xd

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  83. Y'all know there's a manga adaptation?? Holy heck. I just found it today and I can't believe I'm going through all this again.. but reimaged

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  84. Reading while listening to nightglow by tanya chua made me realized that I can be broken in ways I didn't think I would

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  85. this author does super long long hiatus. they will be back

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  86. The conclusions I have drawn up to the current chapter are :
    - Ilya is very stubborn and too hard on herself. She loved her fiancé too much even though that bastard didn't really step up to get closer to her.
    - Soleil, in all of Ilya's life, he had always put Sylvia first. He always thought "it's okay", "she's just my sister-in-law", "this is wrong", "why do I keep thinking of Sylvia? Not Ilya, my wife". He had many thoughts like that but he just took it lightly.
    - The girls' Parent, the father only cares for Sylvia the son of the woman he loves and longs for. He seems to be blinded, even though Ilya is also his own child.
    Her mother was blinded by the loyalty of her past and love for her husband, she didn't want to be hated by him. And chose to "throw" Ilya.
    - Sylvia, Somehow from the start even though I thought she did have affection for Ilya, but her character made me hate her more. Ever since she had appeared, she had taken all of Ilya's things be it on purpose or not.The love and care that may have existed for Ilya from her parents, fiance and those around her. In fact, she said to her sister's fiancee "can you be the reason for my life?", Came to the cafeteria to confirm something just because "her sister's fiancé ate with another girl who turned out to be Ilya, his fiancée" And the people around her just think that Sylvia's attitude is very cute. Arriving at one of Ilya's lives, Sylvia is pregnant with his brother-in-law child. That's really disgusting.

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  87. The author has updated it (I think) since I saw "2" with today's date and read it with Google Translation (some of it TBH) IDK if it a new chapter but I'll wait for you're trans hermit

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    1. Yes, the author has finally graced us with a chapter! I'll try to translate it for this Sunday

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    2. HELL YEA BABI, I WENT TO THE JP SITE AND WANTED TO COMMENT HERE BUT IM STILL LATE XD YOURE FAST TRANSLATOR SAN GAYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THE ONLY OTHER TIME IM THIS HIGH WAS READING RUNNING AWAY FOR THE HERO BUT THAT ONE LIKE STOPPED. THIS SERIES IS MY ONLY HOPE LEFT. ALL HAIL M CLUB LETS GO BABY(also any rec for similarly painful LN?<3<3<3) LEMME THROW U SUM ONLINE KISSES MUA~MUA~♡♡♡♡♡

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    3. Wooo You're indeed high ^^ but it's cute.
      I actually don't read that much tragedy but the ones I can think of are:
      Katahane no Riku
      Shuumatsu Nani Shitemasu ka? Isogashii desu ka? Sukutte Moratte Ii desu ka?
      Gomen ne, Onii-sama
      Mulberry Song
      I Want to Eat Your Pancreas
      Violet Evergarden
      The Girl Who Bore the Flame Ring

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  88. Thank goodness that I couldn't sleep 3 days ago and decided to read when I stumbled upon the manga...
    Seriously though every reading every chapter felt like my heart was being squeezed and I felt like there was something in my throat huhu...
    I love the story, it's so painful to read especially the part where Crow was happily gathering flowers and had to carry Ilya by himself adfahadasfsgsgs
    MY HEART!!!

    but most of all, a huge thank you to you Hermit for translating this for us. I'm SUPER GRATEFUL that you translated this to us~!! ����������

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  89. Thank you for this translation the english is so good and i was able to receive each character's feelings, hopefully the author would write more chapters for us to get the real reason for Ilya's and Crow's suffering

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  90. GIVE EM A HAPPY ENDING DANG IT

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