Chapter 56

 8 – The End of The End – 2

 

After a strange silence that felt both like an instant and an eternity...

 

“.... uh...”

 

A breathing sound echoed in my ears.

It was exactly like the moment you wake up from a deep sleep. My consciousness emerged slowly, as if it was being dragged out of a pitch-black swamp. Cold air passed through my noise, and my lungs expanded greatly then slowly deflated.

Taking this as a signal, my field of vision turned white. Shortly after I felt dazzled, my vision flickered and lights twinkled painfully like bright stars.

At the impulse to rub my eyes instinctively, I understood I was blinking.    

 

“.... .... Ilya.”

 

My blurry vision gradually cleared up as the outlines of things became more distinct.

Eventually, in my fully-recovered vision, a sky too bright to be called night and too dim to be called morning spread out. Although right above me the sky was dark like charcoal, that darkness gradually faded toward the horizon, and like in my memories, yellow and purple rays of light mixed together. 

 

Many tall trees stretched out their branches as they pleased, as if they wished to break apart this magical pale-blue-green light.

Was it because of the pale moon that claimed to exist even in the distance that the overlapping canopies looked dazzlingly beautiful with the white light that traced their contours?

Even though it seemed about to disappear at any moment, the moon was struggling to deliver that faint light to the ground.

 

As I thought, was I still inside a dream now?

 

I was thinking so because, in this scenery with a dawn so beautiful that it made you lose your voice... he was here. His black hair was swaying lightly, his face was spotless as if it was made from white porcelain, his obsidian eyes shone dimly.

There wasn’t a single difference. It was an excessively nostalgic sight. Then, an intense feeling of déjà-vu rose from my chest, and my heart beat so loudly that it plugged my ears.

When I took a deep breath to escape the metallic buzzing resonating in my ears, I recalled the scene from that time I died lying in the mud.

 

Yes, it was exactly as right now. I was exactly in the same situation as at that time.

I was lying down, helplessly looking up at him, and he was kneeling, gazing down at my face.

And everything was similar enough to make me misunderstand and think that I was repeating that certain unbearable day. The only difference might be that it wasn’t raining.

 

Staring at me with a dumbfounded expression, his shivering lips let out two words.

 

“My... princess.”

 

I couldn’t deny that “princess” was a nickname I wasn’t used to, but hearing it made me breathless.

Drops of water gently fell from his eyes, tracing his clear profile. Maybe it captured some light from who knew where, but with a momentary flash of light, a tear shook as it fell down, and it burst open in midair before vanishing. I almost missed it.

 

“Why?”

 

“Why are you crying?”

 

I tried to finish my sentence and call his name, but I failed tragically. I was trembling a lot.

Instead of the name that I couldn’t pronounce, it’s my worn-out sigh that leaked out from my lips. I waited for the answer from this person, who was only a breathtaking distance away from me, but in the first place, he didn’t seem to have realized that he was crying.

Staying silent, he fearfully touched my cheek. As usual, his fingers were cold and comfortable.

 

One time in the distant past, I clanged to these fingers.

 

“.... Crow?”

 

This time, I readied myself to call him, but my voice came out weaker than I expected.

Thinking he didn’t hear me, I opened my mouth once more but I then noticed that his pair of black, shaking eyes were staring at me earnestly. I realized that my voice had properly reached him. He had no words. However, the Crow, who spoke in a voiceless voice to the point where he seemed rather eloquent, was here.

This also seemed like a reproduction of that rainy day. A Crow on the brink of crying out in a loud voice. Seeing his crumpled and distorted expression as he was enduring and holding back his tears, a pain pierced my chest.

However, from another point of view, he also looked like someone who couldn’t react to great joy. I felt my throat tighten at this Crow’s appearance.

A suffocating, agonizing pain, as if my heart vibrated. It was a very familiar bitter emotion. I’ve experienced it so many times that I’ve gotten tired of it. It wasn’t an exaggeration to say I already knew it thoroughly. Because for me, living had precisely the same meaning as suffering.

Experiencing this sensation once again, I suddenly understood.

 

I am alive.

 

With this sudden realization, my paralyzed fingers, which refused to move, suddenly twitched. My middle finger, which was touching the ground, felt the rough feeling of the sand. It was as if my five senses had been revived.

When I unexpectedly felt an uncomfortable feeling in my chest and checked it, I realized that my dress was damp despite the absence of rain. It’s difficult to notice because the fabric was originally dark, but darkish stains have spread, and several places were red.

 

... ... That’s right.

 

I was sure that... I should have died.

The dagger thrown by Saion had cut my flesh, and I helplessly fell to the ground. The wailing of Sylvia, and the face of Soleil who tried to help me. I vividly remembered that moment when I foresaw the end of my life. At my impending death, my view darkened and my heart stopped.

I couldn’t forget this. I had repeatedly died that way, times and times again, and it was my umpteenth death. 

 

It should be over. It should be, so why?

 

“...What... happened to me...? Earlier, I... I’m sure I died, so why...?”

 

My confusion straightforwardly came out in my words.

When I moved, the palms supporting my shoulders caressed me slowly as if to comfort me. I didn’t know when it happened, but Crow was supporting my body as I was sitting halfway up. He was holding me in his arms, as if he was cherishing me, as if he was protecting me.

 

“Finally.”

 

“I... finally... found you. My princess.”

 

Did he hear my voice, or not? He spoke carefully, breaking off his words with his trembling lips. His voice was filled with affection, or possibly, pain.

I shivered when hearing that voice that seemed to be filled with warmth, and I remembered trivial things, like the fact that his voice used to sound colder.

 

That day I was called “a captive princess” in that luxurious locked room that was also a prison.

Holding a baby who didn’t exist in my arms and walking around the room aimlessly, I was trapped between a sorrowful dream and reality.

Who would think that as I was humming a lullaby in a relaxed manner, my unstable mind was gradually degrading? My appearance, which was embracing the despair named “my child,” must have surely looked laughable.

Seeing me, who was inside that madness yet hadn’t completely lost her mind, Crow had laughed and sneered happily. Maybe calling me a princess was sarcastic, or a mere frivolous remark. Or maybe it didn’t have a deep meaning. For the him at that time, my existence must surely have been “that kind of thing.” A worthless existence.

 

And yet.

 

“Earlier, I felt that I heard your voice. As I thought, that was the case. You said, “my princess...” But why? I’ve never once done something princess-like. I’m always...”

 

...A supporting role in the story.

That’s why, no matter how many times I repeated my life, I never managed to change the ending. The plot for the leading actors wouldn’t be rewritten for the sake of a secondary character, it could never happen. Because a story ultimately pushes on and moves toward the outcome meant for “the protagonists.”

That has been the case since the beginning. I knew it and yet, I couldn’t help but always dream. If I were a princess like Sylvia... If I became an existence similar to that child... Then maybe a happy future would finally come for me.

 

But in the end, I am myself. No matter how many times I repeated my life, I continued to be myself, I never became someone else.

When I disorderly told him that, struggling to catch my breath between my words, Crow made a self-depreciating laugh.

 

It’s the same for me as well, he said.

 

“The protagonist of my life wasn’t me. I’ve lived my own life but... But still, I never was the protagonist of my own life.” Understanding him yet not, I was tilting my head, trying to infer the true meaning of his words, when he added unexpectedly,

 

“The protagonist of my life has always been... ...you.”

 

I wasn’t the main character, so I couldn’t save you, he said. With a fleeting smile like a drop of ink that was diluted in a glass of water, his true feelings were distinctly visible in the depths of his eyes.

 

Profound despair.

 

“Always, always, I couldn’t save you.”

 

At the end of his sentence, his voice broke down and I had to strain my ears to hear him.

The word “painful” alone isn’t enough to describe it. The word “sorrow” alone couldn’t express it. Why did unrequited feelings hurt so much?  

 

I also know this well. All that remains in my memory is the suffering. But still...

 

“You’re wrong. This is definitively wrong. Because, every time you appeared in front of me, I was always saved. Always, many times.”

 

I just didn’t know it all this time. That in order to save me, there was a person who was putting their life on the line. Unlike me, who eventually gave up on life at the very end, this person didn’t. Not even once. Thanks to this, I was here. In spite of having died, I was called back home. This time, time has not turned back, nor has my life restarted.

 

The continuation has started.

 

According to Crow, it’s a miracle.

 

Now that he mentioned this, it indeed seemed so. Because death, the thing that was unavoidable for human beings, has been overturned. If you didn’t call this a miracle, how should you name it?

However, what caused this miracle wasn’t God. It’s our strong feelings that have pulled over the best destiny possible.

 

The reason I had lived while writhing in agony in that locked world, was surely for the sake of this instant.

 

The real end is here.

 

I have lived for this one moment.

 

“Ilya.”

 

At the end of my line of sight, there was this pair of black eyes that were staring at me, as expected. It felt like my heart and my whole body were wrapped up by his soft gaze dripping with tenderness. I could indulge without reservation in its warmth. It was allowed. No one would blame me anymore. No one would find fault with me and say that I’m unseemly, no one will curse at me and tell me that I’m disgraceful.

Because the me now, was not Soleil’s fiancée, nor was she Sylvia’s older sister or the count’s daughter. There was no reason for me to be a lady anymore, nor was there any meaning in upholding a useless pride. Only the living human named “Ilya” was here.

 

I have nothing. But it’s warm.

 

Then, I noticed that it had always been cold enough for me to tremble. Because I knew warmth, I could feel the cold. Because I had been a noble’s daughter, since my birth I had lived in a blessed environment and I was provided with everything I needed. But what I actually wanted was this. What I wished for was “here.”

 

I have lost everything, but I guess, I’ve accomplished it. That’s why.

 

“I... will live... with you.”

 

When I reached out my hands, I could touch Crow’s back, as he was holding me in his arms and staring at me.

 

It’s neither an illusion nor a dream. We are living in a real world.

 

“You and I... let’s become happy. ....I will make you happy, and you will make me happy.”

 

Drops of water fell from Crow’s eyes and landed on my face. Like raindrops, they fell one after the other. Almost like that rainy day.

 

“... Because, Crow... You... love me, right?”

 

His eyes opened wide as if he was looking at something unbelievable.

Even this reaction gave me an impression of déjà vu. However, the decisive difference was the fact that it wasn’t a tragedy. It wasn’t like that rainy day, when he was desperately holding onto my vanishing life, nor was he lamenting over our repeated separations.

 

I was experiencing hope with these very fingers. 

 

For a moment, I slipped out of Crow’s arms and I adjusted my posture, gazing up at him as I kneeled down. This person with an innocent face like that of a child didn’t change the slightest.

When I wrapped up his cold cheeks with the palm of my hands, his spilling tears wet my skin. They felt warm, and somehow, mysterious. Crow seemed to exist in both a world of illusion and in reality, even though we were in the real world. But he was here.

When I hugged him tightly, I could feel his presence even more strongly. In a daze, he timidly put his arms around my back and called my name to ascertain the truth.

 

“You’re wrong, Ilya.”

“Eh?”

“That I love you.... It’s probably different.”

“..”

 

My body, which was stuck to his so closely that there was no space between us, was embraced strongly once more.

 

“Love is too lacking an expression to describe what I feel. I can’t bear to express it aloud. No one can understand the depth of the emotions I hold for you. They can’t even imagine it.”

 

Crow added that in the world, he was the only one who knew this feeling. It was a lot deeper than love, a lot stronger than love and also a lot more painful. He wondered if humans could understand this emotion. He said that these sentiments he had developed over such an excessive span of time couldn’t be expressed in one word.

 

“In this world, only I know. ...I am the only one, who harbors these emotions for you. But I don’t know what to say. I feel that I have run out of words to convey my feelings. What should I say, how can I convey it...?”

 

His shoulders shook as he sobbed intermittently, seemingly in pain. And then, a large flow of tears spilled out and fell.

 

“There is no expression other than ‘I love you.’ I can’t find it. Isn’t there... something... anything...?”

 

Something different from any confession, any words of love, something that could be touching. Something that wasn’t love. To speak plainly, how great would it be if these emotions could be rationalized just by naming them “love.”

Because, if this was truly the thing people called love.

If this was the “love” that anyone knew.

If it was love, then feeling this overly strong obsession couldn’t be helped and I could come to terms with it.

Or maybe someone could tell me how to deal with these emotions that are strong enough to lead me to ruin.

 

But I’m the only one who feels such emotions. I know that no one else can understand them. And because nothing can be done, there is no other choice but to call them “love.”

 

In this world where no one knows these emotions yet, I also know them.

 

And surely, everyone knows these feelings.

 

*******************

 

Crow’s robe, which I was wearing to hide my blood-stained dress, had a nostalgic scent. It was a smell that encroached upon the deepest part of my memory. Even if I were to forget everything else, this scent would remain in my memories.

That’s probably why... The casual memories of the days I spent together with him resurfaced as I recalled them.

 

“Lean more on me. The wound has disappeared, but it’s not like the blood you’ve lost has returned. ... ... Aren’t you feeling unwell?”

 

The horse-drawn carriage that I picked to evacuate to a safer place for now was not comfortable.

When the wheels rolled on the ground, the carriage shook greatly and our bodies were tossed around. When my face distorted in pain, Crow held my shoulders.

The simple carriage didn’t have any sort of ornament at all, and unlike the ones normal nobles rode, the part in which people rode wasn’t a closed space. It only had a roof to fend off the rain. The seats were exposed. Normally the wind that blows through would feel pleasant, however right now when my body couldn’t be said to be in perfect condition, my skin was assailed by goosebumps.

Still, a part of me felt somewhat relieved, because I was able to escape from the place where I had died once, though in any case I had come back to life.

 

Once in a distant past, Sylvia’s corpse must have lay there. It was also the starting point of a life that had been repeated many times.

 

I didn’t want to stay there forever.

 

On these seats that could be filled with just two people, I warmed myself by huddling together with Crow. However, it might be pointless to try to warm up against a person who didn’t have any body warmth in the first place. It was kind of comical.

 

“... Ilya? Are you alright?”

 

Even without looking at his face and just by hearing his voice, I could tell that he was worried for me.

While answering “I am fine,” I looked up at the gradually brightening sky, and I gazed at the townscape where people had yet to get up. The excessive tranquility made me wonder if everything that happened until now was a dream.

In the first place, until yesterday, I had never even imagined that Soleil and Saion would fight each other to the death. Actually, after I came back to life, I stood up and looked around at our surroundings, but there was “nothing.” Neither Saion, who I was sure had collapsed on the ground, nor his comrade were there. I didn’t know who, but someone had cleaned up the scene.

I, who was thought to be dead, was left as I was, so in short, I deduced that the person who dealt with the scene afterwards was “a person from the other side.” I was left behind because they didn’t need to retrieve me. 

 

How far had they planned this? How much was Saion involved in this? I didn’t even know that.

 

But anyway. There was still something that I had to do.

When I raised my face with renewed determination, Crow said, “Your hair. It’s such a shame. They’re so beautiful but they got dirty.”

His voice was so low that it was almost drowned out by the sound of the rolling wheels of the carriage moving at a fast pace. Still, these words strangely reached my ears distinctly.

 

“No matter the color of your hair, the color of your eyes, no matter how you look... no matter which version of you you are, I think you’re beautiful.”

 

I remembered the jarring voice I heard a long time ago, and my chest hurt.

Are the him from that time and the Crow who is here now the same person?

... No. I’m sure they are. After all, they have the same “eyes.”

 

“Crow.”

“Hmm?”

 

He had a look that expressed a sense of tranquility on his cold face. His expression was oozing with so much gentleness that it’s bewildering. Surely, no matter what I do or what I say, he’ll approve of me. I’ll end up being forgiven.  

 

“... ... From now on, I will die.”

 

He gasped and vigorously tore off my body. He grasped my shoulder so strongly that my face was distorted in pain. Yet he didn’t release me. Perhaps he was trying to probe into the real meaning of my words, as he made a very serious expression and gazed at me suspiciously.

 

However before long, he let out a small sigh and reined in his emotion as he gently asked, “... You don’t mean you’ll die for real, right?” His words were exactly on point.

Even if we didn’t say much, we could both vaguely understand what the other meant. That didn’t mean I should be frugal with my words, but when I thought back on my life where I kept being misunderstood by people... this existence that tried to understand me as much as possible was even more precious.

 

Amidst my repeated life and his overly long life, the time we’ve spent together was but a mere moment.

Nevertheless, it wasn’t nonexistent, it had a meaning. This short time we shared together, led us “here.”

 

“But it is going to take too long to find a collaborator starting from now on.”

 

In my head, the faces of all the people I knew flashed by before disappearing. I didn’t think I should involve them, but the circumstances didn’t allow me not to. However, I still felt guilty about exposing someone to danger in order to survive. ... ... It’s so late for this. Then...

 

“In that case, I’ve got an idea,” said Crow.

I reflexively asked back, “You have...?” because I couldn’t imagine him having a connection with anyone other than me.

 

“Even I didn’t live so long while doing nothing. Especially after I lost you ‘once.’” He said it in a self-depreciated yet somewhat proud tone. Then after a short while, he told me,

 

“Look, Ilya...”

 

“... Dawn is breaking.”

 

(That day. I hugged you, and gazed at the sky alone...)

 

 

Chapter 55                                                                                                                Chapter 57