Chapter 57

8 – The End of The End – 3

 

At first, I thought it was a shabby carriage, but as I got used to it, the nice view I had from there improved my mood a little. The chill I felt just a while ago seemed like a lie, and now my cheeks were hot enough for me to notice their warmth. 

 

Various colors such as scarlet and dark blue, purple and light crimson, were blending together, faintly coloring the clouds that were floating in the sunrise.

It was simple and so beautiful, and it made me realize something. Surely, this was suggesting our future path, and at that thought, unknowingly, the corners of my lips rose up in a half smile.

This was what it meant “to look forward.” It is because you believe there is hope at your destination that you can raise your face. And it was so dazzling.

 

The relentless light shining down from the sky brightly dyed the whole city.

As if that was a sort of signal, the windows of houses here and there were opened vigorously. Some residents stuck their heads out of the windows. When they met eyes with others, they seemed to exchange a few words or nod in greeting. It looked like they planned to interact while ventilating their room.

As the carriage proceeded forward, my gaze followed the changing scenery, seeing it without really paying attention to it.

We soon approached the market. Merchants busy selling fruit, vegetables and everyday goods seemed to be moving around restlessly, laughing out loud from time to time when something happened.

 

Before I knew it, the whole city was awake, welcoming the morning.

 

It became a bustling and clamorous place, overflowing with vigor and a lively atmosphere.

I was taken aback by the difference with the earl’s estate, which was always quiet. In your daily life, it was good manners to not make noise and it was a rule to not laugh and raise your voice. You had to walk without making sounds, your movements had to be as slow as possible and perfect down to your fingertips to maintain a thoroughly dignified attitude. That’s how I lived.

But that being said, I had no intention of judging which one was better. In the first place, it was unnecessary to compare them. Because they are simply “different.” Everyone is frantically living in their own world.

In my life of anxiety and pain as if I was carrying all the tragedies of the world on my back, it was the very first time I had such a thought.

 

That night when I escaped in a downpour, that day when I was caught by a human trafficker. When I was sold, locked in a place the sun didn’t reach, struggling, until the instant I realized there was nothing I could do about it. I was always prepared to die, yet I was never able to end my life easily. “Why is it only me?” ... ...It’s a sentence that went through my head over and over again.

Those days seem very distant now.

 

“...Ilya?”

 

When I raised my head after hearing this gentle voice, Crow lightly squeezed my hand. Knowing that I had made him worry, I shook my head and told him it was nothing.

“Do you realize that’s not convincing at all when you make this kind of expression?”

With an ironic and bittersweet smile on his lips, he caressed my face with his slender fingers. After he touched me to check if I was fine, he told me that I seemed to be in a better mood than before. I felt that I couldn’t hide anything from Crow.

 

“Well, it’s fine. We have time. We’ll spend more than enough time together to get to understand each other.”

 

As I watched him laugh happily, I felt something even stronger than a sense of déjà-vu. Was it because his joyful appearance overlapped with a version of Crow I met in the past?

 

“Ha ha! Again... you’re making this expression again...”

 

It was probably the same for this person who looked into my eyes at a distance close enough that the tips of our noses could touch.

The corners of his eyes narrowed, creating a gentle atmosphere, but also revealing a sorrow that couldn’t be expressed with words. He was looking at a version of me that I didn’t know.

This feeling was something only the two of us could share, and we would always continue to be burdened by it in the future. There is absolutely no way to regain the time that has passed nor the things we have lost.

That’s why, I have no choice but to live with these unshakable emotions, even if I don’t know how to control them.

 

What I could do, was to accumulate new ones over it.

 

“...By the way, where is this carriage heading to?”

 

Crow was the one who told the coachman where to go, but he didn’t tell me. “Leave it to me!” was all he said while beaming with confidence, so I ended up relying on him.

 

“Well... You’ll know when we reach it.”

 

In the first place, how much did Crow know about my situation? Did he understand my life, no, my and Silvia’s upbringing, and the complex relationships I had with our parents?

Just as I was wondering if I should explain it properly,

 

“It’s alright. No need to be so nervous,” he said while laughing cheerfully and tilting his head.

It was the same smile as usual, yet something about it was definitively different. ... ...Was he always a person with so many expressions?

His skin, which didn’t have any temperature, and the gentle smile pasted on his face still made him look like a doll. His existence itself gave a faint impression, and perhaps most people would be unaware of his presence. Yet, just a while before, he had certainly been conversing with the coachman.

He was really an unfathomable mystery. He could turn into a bird, a cat or a young boy. He didn’t seem to be a person; I could assert that he wasn’t a person. But on the other hand, he was terribly human.

 

“You see, Ilya.... Even when you do your best, you won’t necessarily succeed. Therefore, no matter how hard you try, your earnest feelings might not be understood. Even if you work hard, you can’t always make your dreams come true. Because reality is harsher and crueler.”

 

“... Yes, you are right.” I was made to realize that fact more than I needed to.

 

“But that’s why, if you don’t care about anyone, and if no one cares for you... in such a case, you mustn’t continue to live. They are essential. They are what it means to live.”

 

Caring for someone, being cared about by another, having dreams, holding hope. This way, you can overcome reality.

 

“Caring for others... and being cared for...”

 

My breathing became shallow as I felt my heart squeeze tightly.

I see. Was it because no one cared about me that I couldn’t live?

 

“But you’re wrong, Ilya.”

 

“...hm?”

 

“You just didn’t notice.”

 

“What?”

 

“You simply didn’t know.”

 

“...”

 

“I am sure that it’s just that. But it was a very important thing. Ilya. There were others aside from me. There were people who cared about you.”

 

*********************

 

The two horses, which had valiantly dashed around the town, eventually stopped at a certain place. Contrary to the city, it was enshrouded in a desolate atmosphere. I knew this place all too well. Even though the carriage drove for that long...

 

“Why?”

 

I knew that my lips were trembling without needing to hear it from someone else.

Before I knew it, we had arrived in the vicinity of Earl Matisse’s residence. We weren’t in front of the house, we were neither too close nor too far, but I couldn’t mistake that place.

The magnificent and solemn appearance distinguished it as a noble mansion, and it was so white that it hurt my eyes. The windows placed at regular intervals were perfectly polished to collect the light of the sun.

The presence of this aristocratic estate was intimidating. Usually, I didn’t go out, and I couldn’t see the outside from the closed-off carriage I rode in. Moreover, apart from my trips to the academy, I could count on one hand the occasions on which I left the estate.

As a result, even though it was my parents’ house, I didn’t notice until we got so close to it. Despite the fact that I had restarted my life over and over again, in this way, there is no doubt I have failed to notice far too many things in the past.

 

“No need to make such a serious face, Ilya. It’s alright.”

I looked at Crow’s face as he repeated “it’s alright” over and over to persuade me. The corners of my eyes narrowed slightly and I exhaled slowly.

 

In the end, we got off the carriage in silence, acting almost as spies as we held our breath even though it didn’t make sense. Judging that if we approached from the front gate, we would likely be noticed by someone as one would expect, we avoided that direction and headed to the back of the mansion where the stables were located.

 

“I wondered if it might be bad to come here with a fiacre, but the servants seem to use one sometimes, and right now, there is a commotion in the mansion so no one is watching. So, don’t worry.”

 

“...No, it’s not that.”

 

Even if no one was watching, I couldn’t speak up and I walked carefully so as not to make any noise.

 

“I wasn’t going to come back here again.”

 

“Yeah. Of course, I already knew that.”

 

“... Then, why?”

 

“Because it was necessary.”

 

We were outside the iron fence surrounding the estate when Crow, who had changed into a cat, suddenly turned over in my direction and told me to wait there a little. His small body covered with black fur slipped through the thin gap at the bottom of the fence, trespassing on the estate. I followed his retreating figure until he was out of sight.

Along the fence, short trees were planted regularly, so it wasn’t possible to grasp the whole picture of the backyard, but it was clearly so vast that it was difficult to measure it with your eyes.

The figure of Crow disappeared completely after he passed a fountain in the distance, and I felt like I was left behind.

 

It was quite strange for me to think that, considering the fact that I was on the other side of this fence until yesterday.

When I crouched down and made my body as small as possible, I naturally started to remember memories from my childhood. The memory that was reflected in the lush greenery that was growing in abundance in front of me, was of when I was saved by Sylvia in the stables. The events of that moment were faintly blurred and faded, like a dream I had on a distant day.

The grounds of this earl’s residence were everything I had. They were very vast, and very confined.

 

Every time I blink, all the scenes I’ve experienced so far were projected in front of me. Each and every one of them seemed to be sublimated.

Human beings were creatures that forgot past events and piled up new memories over them. Surely, it will happen to me too. But... “...Will I ever be able to forget...?” That agony that made even breathing so painful.

 

It was very hot, probably because I wore a robe over my clothes.

When I somehow got rid of the images and wiped my forehead, I was sweating. Maybe I had a fever.

When I stood up with that in mind, I heard a cat’s high-pitched meowing and the sound of footsteps stepping on the sand and gravel.

 

“... My lady.”

 

A familiar voice reached my ears. It was a deep and hoarse voice I had grown accustomed to.

Thinking there was no way, I stepped back with careful attention.

 

... ... I’ve found you!

 

When I turned on my heels, thinking I had to flee, I heard a lovely “mew.” Understanding that he was calling me to stop, I turned to look at the owner of that voice, and saw the little cat looking in my direction while sitting on the ground with his head tilted.

With his thoughtful eyes fixed on me, my flustered heart calmed down. If Crow was here, it meant that this situation was definitively not accidental.

Readying my mind, I looked toward the person who had stopped just a few steps away from me. When our eyes met, I saw his lips tremble.

 

The words “It was true? You’re still...” spilled out of his mouth in a thin breath, but he was unable to finish his sentence until the word ‘alive.’ It was unusual for this person, who normally speaks clearly.

I didn’t know whether he read my thoughts or not, but a light appeared in the depressed eyes of the old servant. I tried to ascertain what this light was, but he closed his eyes tightly, and when he opened them again, his gaze was overcast by a deep shadow as usual.

Was he relieved to see me? Or did he feel distrust? I couldn’t guess which one it was.

 

Anyway, the fact that he was surprised to see me alive indicated that Sylvia had already returned to the mansion. She must have told them what happened. Soleil must have arrived too, right? ... ...Yes, he was surely with her.

 

“...That cat went inside the estate... and coiled around my legs. I tried to drive it out and kept telling it I didn’t have time to look after it, but... When it looked up straight at me, and I looked down at its little face... I felt that it wasn’t a creature I should ignore...”

 

“It probably was not the wrong choice to do so...” concluded Maurice in a lowered voice and an excuse-like tone, peeping at me.

It was an extremely strange feeling. This steward, who was always following my father, had a somewhat cold gaze. I thought that his figure as he gave instructions to a large number of servants in a toneless voice made him look more like a mechanical doll than Crow. His frigid aura seemed to reject others, I never felt I could talk to him without hesitation.

 

In fact, he was so busy moving hurriedly around the mansion that he probably didn’t have time to breathe.

 

“I am proud that I was more intuitive than the others. So, I came here. And I was able to find you, my lady.”

 

His right hand confusedly reached out to me and was about to touch the robe that covered me until my feet. I retreated without thinking, maybe in self-defense.

 

“... I... I’m... I am dead. What you are seeing is a ghost.” I was stabbed in the chest and died. When I put it into words, that reality gained a heavy weight. I was no longer in this world. Ilya Il Matisse had died. A pitiful corpse left behind on a sparsely green ground. That was me.

 

Near me, a small bird chirped and took off from one of the plants. The gentle sound of the breeze hurt my ears.

Sitting at the feet of the steward, Crow was simply watching the situation unfold with his clear eyes, as transparent as glass marbles. Following my gaze, the man’s eyes fell on the black cat and he heaved a deep sigh.

In reaction to this sound that I have heard many times in the past, my body cowered on its own. It was very similar to the sigh father and mother, or my lady in waiting and my chamberlain, failed to shallow and let out.

 

Maurice raised his head and observed me from head to toe with a sharp gaze, before touching his monocle with his right hand. Maybe because the angle was adjusted a little, but the glass inlaid in the monocle reflected the sunlight.

 

“My lord bestowed this monocle upon me, saying that my view has completely worsened. But, even if my eyes have become bad, I can still see through the truth. And it is right here.”

 

The old man put his hand on the chest pocket of his black jacket without a single wrinkle, straightened his posture and suddenly looked up at the sky. His eyes followed the black shadow of a little bird far in the distance.

 

“The upmost precious thing for me is the Earl of the Matisse House. It has been the case since the predecessor’s time, and even when the current master took over, my belief did not change. That is why, I am always carefully considering the sentiments of my lord. Because the will of that person is my will.”

 

This sagacious man probably understood what I was trying to do. With another viewpoint hidden in the depths of his heart, he looked at things from a different perspective than others.

That’s right. That time must have been the same. ... ...When mother thrust a knife into her own throat. It was Merge and this steward who stopped father from hitting me with his fist when he suspected me of having harmed her.

 

It happened before time went back. That’s why he naturally didn’t know about it. Right now, mother is still alive.

 

“The scope of what my lady’s engagement brings to our house cannot be summarized in a few words.”

 

It was an engagement with a marquis’ house that had a huge peerage gap with our house, to the point where you could speak of a difference in social standing. For better or for worse, the extent of what our house could gain from it was enormous.

 It was something I was made to realize until I became sick of it amidst the lives I had repeated over and over.

 

“My lord was not pleased with this engagement between the two houses. But we were definitively not in a position where we could reject their request... He was a little upset.”

 

“...”

 

The steward, who had narrowed his eyes while recalling his old memories, looked up at my face again.

 

“But it was very cruel to a young girl.”

 

“...Eh?”

 

He gazed at me with affectionate eyes. I had never seen such an expression until today. 

 

“While knowing this suffering that was imposed on you, I never rescued you. I never extended my hand to you. I believed that I should not save you. I thought there was meaning in you accomplishing this alone.”

 

The content of the conversation already exceeded the scope of my understanding.

Crow’s meowing told me that, along with losing my words, I had also forgotten to breathe.

 

“Starting from the conclusion, I surely ought to have helped you, my lady. I had many opportunities to offer kind words to you, who were lonely because your parents always gave preference to Lady Silvia in everything. And yet, on my own free will, I did not help you. Because I thought it was the right thing to do.”

 

“That is why, I... This old man... is losing a precious person today...”

 

If you are a phantom, then even if I say all this, it doesn’t matter, right? Said Maurice with a little smile. He had a distorted expression, as if he was holding back his tears. But...

 

It was meaningless!

 

When I was young, I was screaming in my head. In those days, I threw a foreign language book, whose letters had been blurred by my tears, in the fireplace. I felt relieved when I saw the flames flare up and heard the crackling made by the paper burning.

At any time, I had to hold my head firmly and smile. Because that was the posture an aristocrat’s daughter must maintain. Since I had been taught that way, I didn’t want to let anyone see me suffering because I couldn’t do it. In the first place, once you become the fiancée of the heir to a marquis’ house, you mustn’t say that you “couldn’t do” something.

Surely, if I could have raised a tantrum, cried and screamed, I would have felt a little better, but that was true only if there had been people to hear my screams. In this empty place, no matter how much I cried, no one would save me.

As I stood frozen in front of the fireplace, trying to think of a way to get a replacement for that burned book again, I looked hopelessly laughable.

 

A room with no one else. No matter how many hours I stayed confined inside, not a single person would come to check on me. The feeling of loneliness, I’m sure I became aware of it much earlier than anyone else. 

 

... ... However, that was already a story of the past. The me from that time could no longer be saved.

 

“Sir Soleil has been seriously injured, but he deeply regrets having left you behind. Alfred was about to come get you right away, but... the situation being what it is... There was an order from the Lord, warning us that since the country is involved, we must not make a wrong move. As my lady seems to have already... passed away... That is the judgment he has handed down.”

 

The fact that I was deemed dead and left as it was without them confirming my body did hurt my heart. However, if I was in my father’s position, surely, I would have made the same decision. I wouldn’t have exposed other people to danger for the sake of someone I wasn’t sure was dead or alive. There was a possibility of being ambushed as soon as you set foot in that place.

 

“But Alfred will surely locate you someday. He is a man who possesses a strong sense of duty. He swore his allegiance to you. Until the day he can bury your remains with his own hands, he will not believe that you are dead. ... ...For this reason, we need a person who can act as your wedge. A person to stand guard and make sure that, even if it is wrong to do so, Alfred will never reach the truth.”

 

“Even if I look like this, I am actually quite competent. Without fail, let’s turn your death into an irreversible fact.” 

 

“Not only Alfred, but also my Lord, the countess, Lady Silvia... even the people from the marquis’ house included... To make them all believe that my lady has died... I will take responsibility and make the preparations.”

 

Gently narrowing the corners of his eyes, he took out a pocket watch from his chest and held it in front of me.

A long time ago, well before I was designated as Soleil’s fiancée, in the days I called him “old man.” ... He softly confided in me and told me the secret of this pocket watch. He inherited it from his father, who passed away early.

 

“Please, take this with you. In truth, I wish I could present you with some money but... I cannot access the book account freely. This watch is not worth a large sum of money, but it is not that inexpensive either. Were you to sell it, it could pay for a few days of stay at an inn.”

 

I shook my head and took back my hand but he muttered in a strong-willed whisper, as if he was making a fair argument, “This won’t do. You mustn’t show restrain now. If you are dead, then behave like one now. Don’t speak. Please...” 

 

“That is the only thing I can do for you... ...”

 

Maybe Maurice lost his words, but he kept opening and closing his lips several times, until he eventually managed to continue to speak, as if he was praying.

 

“Lady Ilya. My Lady.”

 

“My princess. Please.”

 

“Please... be happy.”

 

Since I can’t see you again. It’s fine even if you don’t forgive me.

 

Please, at least, allow me to pray for your happiness.

 

Please.

Please.

 

 Chapter 56                                                                                                        Chapter 58