Chapter 19

If this is the real end – 2

 

“My charming little princess.”

 

Mother often said that while combing my little sister’s hair. As I looked at them, I thought it couldn’t be helped since she looked so lovely.

          

It wasn’t like mother didn’t love me. … … That was probably what I tried to believe.

However, rather than her own blood-related child, she loved and cherished Silvia a lot more. That was the truth. She would rarely come to my room, but I knew that she went to see Silvia without missing a single day.

Before going to sleep, she would drop a kiss on her round forehead. I also knew that she would sing a lullaby with a voice full of love.

Sneaking out of my room on a night I couldn’t fall asleep, from the gap of the door that happened to have been opened, I saw the nonchalant routine of my mother and that child. 

“Good night, mother.” “Sweet dreams, my charming little princess.” 

Even though I clearly heard their voices, for some reason they started to vanish in the distance.   

           

Lovely. That looked lovely. I also wanted that.

           

I wanted mother’s gentle kiss. I wanted her hands to comb my hair, show me her affection, hug me, I wanted her to call me her lovely little princess.

I thought that mother would do it if I asked her for. If I coaxed her, if I put my request into words, I knew she wouldn’t ignore it.

While mother loved my little sister more, she wasn’t a heartless person. That’s why, if I had wished for it, I would have had my desires granted. Even if she didn’t do it spontaneously.

However, in the end, I never even once received those gestures of affection.

             

Because I thought that if it was a love given reluctantly, then I had no need for it. 

           

I might have been a young child at that time, but from birth I understood I was from the aristocracy. I have been called “my lady” since I was a baby, was served by the people around me; raised in this fashion, I was made to act and treat people a certain way.

By the time I remembered words, inside my heart, the notion of pride had already been cultivated. Such worthless arrogance might have deprived me of my pureness and honesty.

I, who was even hesitating to reach out to my own mother, had unconsciously built a wall inside my heart, and I came to behave as if I could never understand how to bare my heart and openly say what I wanted.

The armor that I coiled around me by doing that, stayed with me as I grew up, unknowingly hurting me.

           

I didn’t know if it was because of that, but I was always afraid of asking others for their help. Even though I knew that I, myself, was a very weak person, even at the critical moment I still couldn’t ask for help.

Just saying a single word would be enough, but how much courage would it take to actually say it?

Did anyone understand the sorrow squeezing out such a word and freeing my voice from any obstacles would cost me?

I was the noble daughter of the third ranked earl house. I, who was armed with such heavy headgear, such a heavy title, while I was using it as a shield, at the same time I had also been bounded hands and feet by it.

 

“From today onward, you will become Lord Soleil’s fiancée.”  

 

Therefore, you cannot act spoiled anymore, alright?

Even though I felt I had never behaved that way even once, that person said this with a gaze full of kindness and hugged me tightly. As if this would be the last time.

Anyhow, she pretended to have done this many times. My first hug with my mother was wrapped in an atmosphere sugary enough to make people choke and it made me feel sick.

At that moment, I didn’t know if it was alright for me to return her hug back, while watching my fingers wandering in midair, I noticed that mother and Silvia had the same smell.

It smelled like the lingering scent of incense. The young me simply thought it was strange.

Why did my mother and little sister have the same parfum?

I didn’t understand the sense of discomfort that assailed me because only mine was different.       

 

“You have been promised a bright future. Because you will become the wife of a marquis.”

 

I didn’t know what my mother’s thoughts were when she said this.

My mother looked at me with the same gaze she had when she was watching over her favorite porcelains, paintings or roses. Keeping that gaze on me, she declared distinctly, in other words, you are now under the custody of the marquis’s house.

I guess I was too young to understand the meaning of those words. 

           

… … When I was imprisoned in my first life, my parents turned their backs on me.

From time to time, I remembered my father’s face when he gritted his teeth with loath as he complained I had disappointed him.

At that time, while I believed Soleil would come for me, on the other hand I also perceived that I had reached my end.

           

But then I thought about it. It wasn’t like my parents had abandoned me at that moment.

They had separated themselves from me step by step, little by little, as if they were piling up stones one by one, in a fashion where everything would eventually crumble once the weight couldn’t be endured anymore.

That first and also last embrace had namely been the first stone.

 

“…Why...”

 

As I had already decided on what dress to wear for lunch, while I was letting the maid help me get dressed, I looked at my reflection in the full-length mirror. The person standing here, was the not very special and quite ordinary “me.”

Even if I thought my hair was like that of an old woman, actually, I had not lived until that old. Before my face gets wrinkles, I will reach the end of that short life.

If it was so fleeting, was it selfish of me to wish to at least spend a satisfying life?

 

“My lady? Is something wrong?”

 

The sharp-eared maid titled her head in wonder, having picked up words I was sure I had chewed up inside my mouth.

When I shook my head, she closed her mouth and didn’t ask anything anymore. She was truly an excellent maid who had served for a long time. Respecting my will, even if she was curious, she didn’t try to pry into my thoughts. 

           

Brushing the hair lying on my shoulders as if nothing had happened, she asked me, “How would you like to do your hair?”

She truly understood what was the correct question to ask in this situation. As I remembered the beautiful hair of my little sister when she had been facing me earlier in the corridor, I wondered how I would look like if I were to do the same hairstyle.

In front of the lovely ephemeral appearance of the fairy, I was standing with the same haircut. Imagining that...

 

“…Fufu” I heaved a long breath blended with a little laugh. 

 

Even if we had the same hairstyle, our appearances would still be as different as heaven and earth.

Whether it was a coincidence or not, it would be inevitable for people to think I had tried to imitate my little sister. How ridiculous would that look?

           

There would only be me, my little sister and Soleil at the luncheon. The person who would compare us, will only be Soleil.

But he would surely not realize that I have the same style as Silvia.

The only one who would laugh at my stupid appearance, would be me.

           

I didn’t like to be compared to Silvia. I always tried to choose something different from that child. A different hairstyle, a different lipstick, a different dress, different shoes, rather than picking things I liked, it felt more like I was choosing based on the criteria that it must be different from Silvia.

I think it has been like this since our childhood. In front of my little sister who was wearing a light-colored dress and was praised as being cute and adorable, I realized I should not wear that.

A few days ago, I wore a dress of the same color, but nobody said it was cute or anything.

When was it that I noticed that the compliment “It suits you well” was only polite lip service devoid of any real meaning?

 

“… Can you tie my hair up please?”

 

The maid confirmed my order in a nod and skillfully braided my hair with flower ornaments to make a beautiful hairstyle.

When I saw the result once she was done, a thought suddenly crossed my mind.

I intended to make choices, but as a matter of fact, I hadn’t been able to choose anything at all.

 

“Hey, in reality, you like the color white, right?”

 

The one who noticed it was Crow. I liked white flowers regardless of their variety.

So understandably, I liked white. Even though there was no need to think deeply to see that, no one in my entourage had ever noticed it.

The colors I wore were always discreet; for casual attires, it was dark or indigo blue, reddish-brown or a deep violet, only colors that wouldn’t stand out.

It wasn’t like I was purposely choosing dark colors. Simply, flamboyant ones didn’t suit that plain face of mine. 

“You really dislike bright colors” had said my mother with a wry smile. She hadn’t realized even a little that I was yearning for my little sister’s dresses.

           

The sole occasion on which I wore white, was at my wedding with Soleil, which I had experienced countless times in my repeating lives.

           

Because it was a marriage, I was able to wear a dress of my favorite color unreservedly.

Not feeling inferior to my little sister, not being compared to her by our surroundings.

On the day only I was allowed to wear white, on that one and only day, I was truly able to pick out everything and anything myself.

Standing alongside Soleil, I was showered with words of blessing and basked in applause.

           

That day was a day overflowing with happiness… Or rather, it should have been so.      

Each time I remembered the exaltation of that day, I was assailed by an anguishing pain, as if the inner part of my chest was being clawed by nails. 

Probably because I couldn’t forget that Soleil’s eyes only chased after Silvia’s silhouette.

In the end, the only person to admire the dress whose fabric and design I had chosen personally, had only been me.

 

“… Even if I dress up, there is no meaning.”

“My lady?

“… No, it is nothing. Thank you, I caused you some trouble.”

“No, not all. That was nothing.”

 

My appearance reflected in the mirror now that the maid had finished seemed to not have a single blemish.

Befitting a noble young daughter, the dress made of a fine quality material was a high-class item. When basking in the light, the deep blue shade slightly changed.

I narrowed my eyes in front of its beauty; however, I unintentionally lowered my eyes when I thought of the fact I was the one wearing it.

No matter what I wear, no one will pay it any mind, no one will feel anything when seeing it.

           

The day of that wedding, Soleil took a fleeting glimpse in my direction and said, “So beautiful.” 

I remembered it well. For a brief moment my mood brightened.

When I looked up, I saw him gazing at Silvia in the distance, his eyes shaken by an ardent emotion.

           

He had pretended to have addressed that compliment to me; his profile as he was in fact staring at my little sister, I have never forgotten it.

 

***************************

 

“It took you quite a while.”

 

I smiled bitterly at Soleil and Silvia, who seemed to have been lying in wait for me in the parlor.

Originally, the appointed time had been 30 minutes from now, so there should have been no reason to criticize me.

But in the aristocratic society that was divided in ranks, as he belonged to a higher family, making him wait wasn’t praiseworthy.

It didn’t matter that I was his fiancé or not. He had such a special social status. 

 

“My apologies.”

“…”

 

When I lowered my head obediently, silence fell in the room.

I wondered if he didn’t feel like forgiving me.

As I remained with my head hung down, unable to raise my line of sight,

 

“Big sister, your hair ornaments are lovely.”

 

I didn’t know if she read the air or made her remark without any ulterior thoughts, but Silvia rose up from her seat.

She came to me who was standing near the entrance unable to move, and said,

 

“This dress, it is the first time I’m seeing it. It really suits you well big sister.”

 

She laughed softly with a smiling expression in her eyes.

           

She was a kind child. Without any maliciousness, she was trying to face me with the same pure heart as when she was a child.

Despite not having seen many other people, my little sister was often watching me.

Silvia’s true nature had surely not changed since our childhood. She was the same as the little figure that had flown before me in the stable when I was about to be kicked by the horse.

As I was her older sister, there was no way she would harbor any malice. My parents had gently covered Silvia’s eyes so as to not let them reflect anything dirty or unsightly.

           

With this purity, with this kindness, this beauty, she steals Soleil’s heart.

           

For example, she might be like a princess from a fairytale.

If they are captured, someone will come to their rescue, if they are in a dire situation, someone will extend a helping hand. Just by being here, they will be loved.

           

They were different from me. Because I…

 

“The two of you, isn’t it time to sit down soon?”

 

As I was answering Silvia’s praise of my dress, saying, you are very pretty too, Soleil’s voice echoed.

He sounded a little bit annoyed. Was it because I was monopolizing my little sister’s gaze? 

           

Silvia lightly acknowledged his demand and flew back to him.

I followed behind her. Her hair was swaying gently, matching her vibrant pace.

 

“Your hair,”

“…hum?”

“Your hair, it looks like the shadow of a grove of trees that are falling on the snow.”

“… What? What do you mean?”

 

In one of my lives, as I was reflected in those black eyes of his, Crow said this with a little laugh.

I had never mentioned my own assessment of my hair in front of him. However, as if he had seen through my mind, he told me,

 

“I, rather than the pure white snow that had piled up on a plain, I think that the shadows of trees casted on that snow are much more beautiful.”

 

I didn’t understand what his intentions were when he said that.

 

“But, when even the shadows of those trees are included, I would call it a snowy landscape.”

 

Crow said that and gently caressed my hair.

 

“Snow is just snow. No matter what hair color you have, what eyes you have, what expression you make…… No matter who you are, I think you are beautiful.”

 

He probably wasn’t trying to encourage or comfort me.

Because Crow should not have known that I was comparing myself with Silvia and felt depressed.

Yet, he always offered me the words I wanted to hear.

 

***************************

 

“… I’ve been told so by Lord Saion.”

“Don’t pay attention to what Sai says. He is a nasty fellow…”

 

Even without saying anything, appetizers were brought to my seat. While eating, I watched as Silvia and Soleil were having a pleasant chat.

Whether or not it was a continuation of their conversation when I met them in the corridor earlier, but apparently it seemed to be about Soleil’s friend.

Since they were usually having lunch together, naturally, there probably had been opportunities to meet Soleil’s friend.

That person, who I had never been introduced to, Silvia seemed to know him well.

 

“Big sister…? Is something wrong?”

 

It seemed you are not eating anything, said Silvia with a wondering expression.

Although I picked up my fork at her urging, I couldn’t quite swallow the food in my mouth.    

 

“Are you feeling unwell?”

 

When I raised my eyes, Soleil was looking toward me with a wrinkle between his eyebrows.

Until now, he hadn’t even kept me at the corner of his field of vision. When he followed Silvia’s line of sight, even if he found it unpleasant, he noticed me at that moment.

 

“… No.”

 

Trying to shake my head, I took the initiative to declare, I should go back to my room.

Because of my trembling fingers, the tip of the knife hit the porcelain and created some noise.

 

“Big sister…! Lord Soleil is here for your sake…!”

 

She probably thought I couldn’t wait to leave my seat and stroke the plate with the knife on purpose in anger.

While remaining humble, Silvia raised a reproaching voice. In tune with her, Soleil pulled down his lips.

           

When I reflexively casted my eyes down, my shoulders trembled.

 

“Ilya?”

 

I was almost about to laugh. Perhaps, from the start, everything had been a huge farce.

 

“I apologize for the inconvenience I caused you. I will presume upon your benevolence but I think I should return to my room.”

 

When I put down my fork and knife and said that without raising my head,

 

“I will escort you back to your room.”   

 

Soleil showed a worried behavior. It was the proper reaction as my fiancé.

 

“It is fine. It is not that far. Please, take your time, Lord Soleil.”

“… Big sister, hum…”

“Silvia, you too, do not mind me.”

 

I stood while exchanging the same kind of conversation than at that tea party where Soleil and Silvia met.  

           

When I left the room, Al was waiting for me in the corridor as expected.

Since my withdrawal was considerably earlier than it should have been, he made a puzzled expression, then he inquired if everything was alright.

           

I laughed and said I was fine, wearing the same smile as usual.

Pretending that nothing had happened, I returned to my room. Then, the instant when the door opened, I took one deep breath, preparing myself.

It was in order to suppress my expecting heart which wondered if a black bird was there or not.

 

“Nice to meet you, princess.”

 

I didn’t know why he had called me like this the first time we met. It probably didn’t have any meaning, even if I asked him he wouldn’t give me an answer.  

           

But in this world deprived of any hope, only him had given me the words I wanted to hear.

The me of this current life, had remembered them many, many times over and over again.

 

Chapter 18                                                   Chapter 20