Chapter 11

The Third Life and Thereafter – 3

 

“I want you to protect my little sister.”

 

When I said that, Crow just tilted his head while making a wondering expression.

Then, while keeping this pose, he inquired,

 

“Why?”

“Because I want to protect her.”

 

When I answered, he bent his neck even more. That movement looked somewhat strange.

Because he was coiled in black robes, he looked like a magician or a life-size puppet.

           

Recently, Crow came to my room every day without fail.

Unlike the first time he invaded without permission, he conscientiously knocks on the window glass with his beck and waits for me to open it, however, I still didn’t know how he managed to pass through the iron grid.

If my eyes wander away from him for a mere instant, before I knew it, the next second he stands in the middle of the room.

And at the same time, he has already taken his human form.

 

“…Well, alright. Since you desire so.”

           

Crow, who laughed and made a small smile, was bewitching.

The unreadable and artificial expression he was making was somewhat similar to Soleil’s, but I thought it looked more human, and that unbalanced reminded me that I didn’t know the true nature of this being.

To put it badly, I wonder if you could say he seemed eerie.

 

“But it’s strange. Why do you treasure that little sister so much?”

 

Walking meaninglessly around the room, his appearance as he was rampaging through the dresser and the bookshelf like it was no big deal, was not so different from the time he was a bird.

That’s why I felt it proved that bird and that man were the same being.

 

“Don’t you think a little sister is an existence that should be cherished?”

 

When I answered this, Crow threw himself on the bed I was sitting on and laughed.

 

“Right, I guess so. But you know... that, I think it’s a sophism.”

“A sophism?”

“Yup. Saying ‘since she’s a little sister, she must be treasured,’ it’s only a fragment of the truth.”

 

I think he is older than me. But according to what I saw, I also had the hunch he was considerably younger.

If you looked closely, his features were those of a young boy, but at the second you thought so, he would show a mature expression.

I truly think he was a mysterious man.

 

“You like your fiancé, right? Isn’t she your love rival?”

 

The man, who was slumped on the bed, said so while raising his almond eyes.

 

“… Have I told you about Lord Soleil?”

“No. But I can tell just by watching.”

 

Crow laughed cheerfully.

I really wonder from where he was watching. At least I’ve never exchanged words with Soleil in front of him.

In the first place, Crow appeared in the middle of the night, and because he came only to my room, even if he said he was watching me, I actually didn’t feel it was the case.

Maybe during day time, he was taking a different form?

I thought about asking him, but I suddenly realized he wasn’t the kind of man who would obediently and honestly answered such a question.    

 

“Saying 'it's because she’s my rival in love' won’t become enough of a reason to not cherish her…”

             

At least that was the case for me. For me who knew what would happen from now on, I had a reason to treasure her.

This time too, it was the same. In order to not lose my little sister, I’ll do the things that must be done. That was it.

And so, I will use the things that can be used. Just like last time.

 

“Moreover, didn’t you say that compensation would be unnecessary? That you’ll lend me your hand for free?”

“Well, I certainly said so. I don’t need any reward. Reward in monetary terms, that is.”

“…”

“Don’t make that face. I’ll fulfil my promise. … But I haven’t heard your answer.”

 

Crow abruptly rose up and put his head on my lap, behaving like a spoiled child.

 

“However, I want a motive.”

“… A motive?”

“A motive for me to make a move.”

 

The silent air froze. I felt it. It was neither warm nor cold, so to speak, it was like I was pierced by a pair of eyes that were like two pitch black stones.

It was as if they were telling me they wouldn’t allow me to evade the question.

 

“… … Just once.”

“…hm?”

“Once, my life was saved by my little sister.”  

 

That’s right. And so, I can hardly confront my little sister.

I feel indebted to her.

I’ve the obligation to protect that frail little sister.

 

“In my childhood, there was a time I was about to be kicked by the horse I was taking care of.”

 

I said I was taking care of it, but it’s not like I was earnestly doing it.

From time to time, I would go to the stables to take a breather from my studies, and then I would assist the stable boy, but only to the degree of lending a hand.

In reality, you could say I was in the way of his work. I thought so at that time too.

And so, everybody who was there at that time was careless.

Usually it was a docile horse, nobody thought such a thing would happen.

The stable boy was also beside me, holding the horse’s bridle.

That’s why nobody expected the horse to raise its front feet, frightened by me who had stumbled upon a stone and fell down in front of it.

 

… … Big sister! 

 

I clearly remember the hands of my young little sister that covered my back.

My little sister hadn’t been here from the beginning, she simply happened to be passing nearby by chance.

As usual, she had been sick and confined in bed until a few days before, and probably because it wasn’t good to always stay shut in her room, her maids took her out for a walk as a light exercise.

There, she caught sight of me who was about to be kicked by the horse. Really, it only happened coincidentally. Then she tried to protect me as much as she could.

 

The horse neighed and his huge figure over us drew near.

I, who couldn’t even move because of fear, was protected by my very, very small little sister.

At the critical moment, if the stable boy who noticed the situation hadn’t pulled on the bridle, my little sister’s head would surely have been kicked by the horse.

It probably wouldn’t have ended well.

 

“… That’s all?”

 

Crow, who was listening to my story, showed a dumbfounded expression.     

 

“… … Yes, that’s all.”

 

But “that” was more than enough.

In those days, because my sickly little sister had been isolated most of the time, I had barely exchanged any words with her at all.

Even though some distance was born because she was a little sister from a different mother, since we were physically separated, there were even fewer occasions to come in contact.

I knew I had a little sister, but I wasn’t strongly aware of her existence. Whether she was here or not, I thought it was the same.

And yet... that child... called me “big sister” and tried to protect me. To the point of wholeheartedly using her whole body.   

 

“In short, you were moved by her kindness.”

“… Right. Maybe that’s the case.”

 

Silvia protected me on the spur of the moment, when she came back to herself and saw we were both safe, she was trembling a little.

She tightly shrank her excessively helpless and slender limbs and clung to me, crying that it had been scary.

That’s why I embraced that body while making a vow. I swore I would protect that small and frail little sister. The next time something happened, I thought I should protect her. 

           

And yet...

 

“… … Ahah, good. It’s good, very good.”

 

A pair of pitch-black eyes looked toward me.

I didn’t know what he was thinking, but his sharp eyes had become softer, loosen in delight. 

 

“Alright, I understand. I’ll protect your little sis.”

 

Since I don’t dislike those human-liked emotions, said Crow while playing and rubbing the back of his head over my lap.

When I reflexively stroked his forehead, for a second, Crow made an engrossed expression and soon laughed with satisfaction.

            

Only a little time remained before I graduate from the academy.

If things continue like this and nothing happens, Soleil and I will get married.

Then, after three years, that summer will come again.

That summer when Silvia is attacked in a robbery and dies.

           

This time, I wonder what on earth will happen? Can I do it well?

I’m scared. I think I’m just scared.

But, if I don’t do it well, I’ll be condemned by Soleil again.

 

*****************************

  

The day Soleil and I got married, Silvia took part to the ceremony as a relative.

 

After the ceremony itself, we assembled outside the church where a small garden had been prepared and received blessings from our relatives and old friends.

My little sister stood before Soleil and I with my parents and congratulated us with a smile.

Be happy, she said as she laughed.

Despite it being my own wedding ceremony, I only remembered clearly my little sister’s appearance. Her silver hair were gathered loosely and she was wearing light red lipstick that drew one’s eyes. It looked really attractive on her white skin.

Just like that tea party where the two of them met for the first time, she was wearing a beige dress close to a white color and was showing a little smile.

The ephemeral figure of the petite and delicate little sister who didn’t leave the house much was eye-catching and stood out a lot more than I, the bride.

            

Soleil gave his thanks to the congratulating words Silvia expressed.

Beside me, that cold pair of eyes slightly loosened. But the face I saw from the side carried a tinge of lamentation that couldn’t be hidden.

He couldn’t be with the one he loved. Once again, he was realizing this.

            

I couldn’t look at his face any longer and when I suddenly raised my eyes, above my head I saw a black bird flying in big circles.

As if it was laughing at me.   

 

“… Crow.”

 

Soleil, who heard my mutter with his sharp ears, bent his head with a puzzled expression.

When I shook my head and said it was nothing, he left it as it was, stifled a yawn and dismissed it with a bored “I see.”

It was as if he didn’t have any interest. As if it was completely not worth worrying about.

And then, his gaze once again turned toward my little sister.

            

Today should have been the happiest day of my life. The me of my first life certainly believed this.

It took several weeks to choose today’s dress. And yet, there were still parts I wasn’t pleased with, so I embroidered them myself.

Each time I inserted a needle, I felt I took a step closer to happiness.

My mouth would smile widely as I made that wish. But, if you attentively observed the situation like I was doing now, you could see that Soleil didn’t have the slightest bit of affection for me.

In order to not let anybody sense it, to not let anybody realize it, he pretended nothing was wrong, but I knew that in reality he found me annoying and was tired of me.         

            

To that extent, that much. I’m not loved by Soleil.

            

While watching the icy profile of Soleil who pledged eternal love before God, I realized this man would deceive even God like that.

He was a person who sealed his own love for the sake of politics.

A person who chose to defend his lands and people rather than love. In that way, it can be said that, since he was able to restrain his emotions and take rational decisions, he was the ideal figure for an administrator.

The people who lost sight of their road due to love were not few. But, he, would never do that.

He chose me for that.

            

And it was that person I fell in love with. Even when I see his appearance that can be interpreted as being cold-headed, there is no way my emotions would subside.

            

That’s why, in front of God, I pledge a true oath. I would continue to love him at all times.

Even if he didn’t love me, I could swear a love worth two people’ share.

By doing so, maybe someday rewarding times will come.

            

And then, I became Soleil’s wife.

            

… … I think my third life was, if compared to the previous lives, spent in overwhelmingly calmer days.

While making preparations for that summer day, I also led a social life as the wife of a marquis, fulfilling my duties as Soleil’s spouse without a flaw.

Everything was for the sake of avoiding the incident that would happen during the summer of the third year. It was necessary to build personal connections and to furthermore strengthen those relationships.

I worked vigorously in order to make the necessary arrangements and lay the groundwork.  

 

“Because it’s you, Ilya, who told me to, I looked into it, but what the hell do you want to do with such a small group of bandits?”

 

Crow tilted his head, mystified. But he cooperated without any further pressing me who was dodging his question ambiguously and didn’t give a reason. 

 

“I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but anyhow, since I’m bored, lending a hand is no problem at all,” he said with a smile.

 

… … And then, one day. An unforeseen incident occurred.

            

When I arrived at the place I had been called because Soleil had something to talk about with me, I discovered that he had brought along my little sister.

Silvia had a green and stiff expression, and Soleil was standing in front of such a little sister as if to protect her.

As I stared at their figures wondering what had happened, Soleil said to me with a noble face that looked no different from usual,

 

“… Silvia is not to blame.”

 

Abruptly starting the conversation with those words, first of all, he urged my little sister whose complexion was bad to sit down. But Silvia silently shook her head.

Tears were accumulating inside her big eyes, as if she was enduring something. She closed her lips tightly like she was about to cry at any moment.

Seized by a presentiment, my back trembled a little. 

 

“… She got pregnant.”

 

Soleil, who suddenly inhaled a long breath, declared this with a voice devoid of any intonation.

 

“… Who is it?”

 

My muttered words fell down inside the wide drawing room.

I knew it in my head, but my mouth couldn’t catch up with my understanding and moved unintentionally.  

 

“Silvia is pregnant with my child.”

 

This time when the words were clearly told, my mind became pure white.

Yes, literally pure white.

            

There was only the three of us in the drawing room that had been cleared out of people beforehand.

That’s why my unsteady breathing sounds echoed clearly.

The voice that finally managed to squeeze out the word “Why?” was shaking greatly.

The trembling word that was said as if I was spitting out a lump of stone from the depths of my chest rolled down without any meaning.

            

Silvia had a frail body; it was concluded it would probably be difficult for her to have children.

For that reason, she didn’t have a fiancé.

Inside the noble society where it is said giving birth to an heir is a woman’s role, she was at an overwhelming disadvantage.

It was supposed to be the case. Until that moment.

            

Not knowing what to do, I kept repeating “Why?” like an idiot.

With a voice that seemed to be about to vanish, Silvia answered in a mutter, “Big sister, I’m sorry.”

While keeping her figure at the corner of my field of vision, my eyes moved toward Soleil’s face.

I’m sure today was our wedding anniversary. The anniversary of our second year.

Only two years have passed.  

            

While I was making the arrangements to face the summer of the third year, in a place I didn’t know, those two had many lover meetings over and over again.

            

The only one who kept his composure at that time was probably Soleil.

Even though it could count as infidelity, he told me in a clear voice that didn’t reveal the slightest feeling of guilt, “I am in love with Silvia.”

In my previous life, in the one before too, they were the words I didn’t receive not even once.

No matter how much I devoted myself, no matter how many times I said I loved Soleil, those words were never returned, not even once.

Those words, has my little sister obtained them only because she was “Silvia”?

Will she build a happy family while I literally couldn’t even hold in my arms the child I gave birth to?

Those things were what I originally should have got.   

            

I screamed loudly.

As if my shout could shatter the world to pieces.

Even though I knew such a stupid thing would never happen.

 

*********************

 

“… Ilya, why are you crying?”

 

I was lying on the floor, rounded up like a fetus, when an oddly sweet voice came from above.

When I looked up, Crow’s beautiful face was right there.

At that time, when they heard me scream, the escort barged into the drawing room.

I unconsciously searched for the figure of Al, but then I remembered that after I got married, I left him behind at my parent’s home.

When I told him to protect my little sister rather than me, his face had looked hurt for a second before he managed to erase his expression.

After having barged into the room, the escort of the marquis house whom I had never exchanged even a single word with, carried me up as I was still in a confused and shocked state, then he threw me into my room and locked it up from the outside.    

 

“… Crow, Crow,”

 

If I’m allowed to give an excuse, then I’ll say that at that time, I was surely at my limit.

I, who had gone over my critical points many times, who had tasted true despair, at that moment, I hung onto the nearest person who offered me a gentle expression, Crow.

That why, I talked about the path I was following, about everything regarding the incidents I couldn’t perceive as reality.

Surely, I must have wished for someone to pity me and show me some compassion.

I wished for someone to console me, “You’ve endured well by yourself.”

And then, I wished for them to tell me, “It’s alright to not worry anymore.”

Anything was fine, I just wanted a reason to live through this cruel reality.  

 

“Ilya, Ilya …”

 

After having listened until the end of the story I told while sobbing convulsively and spitting out words bit by bit, Crow called my name.  

            

Would he believe such an absurd story? But I wanted him to. Otherwise...

            

A slender finger scooped up my chin. In my field of vision, which has been forcibly raised, Crow’s face appeared.

Nothing would be read from the expression of that white face, which was like a mask.

His pitch-black pair of eyes were reflecting my weeping and anxious expression.   

 

“If what you are saying is true, then…”

 

Crow cut his words at that point and stared intensely into my eyes.

It was as if he was trying to peek into the depths of my heart.

When I thought that, as expected, he didn’t believe it, my feelings sank. But then, they were risen up by his following words.

However, his next words were not ones of sympathy nor kindness.

 

“It’s almost like hell.”

 

Licking the tears shed on my cheeks, Crow laughed.

 

“Hey, Ilya. The place called hell, is where sinners go, right?”

“Sinners…?”

“People who committed sins fall down to that place after their death, no? And then, they receive their punishment, don’t they?”

“They receive…”

 

 Their punishment…?

 

“If this is hell. If you’re receiving your punishment. Then, what kind of sin did you commit?”

 

Crow’s cold fingers tightly grasped my hand, which was scratching the short fur of the carpet, and pressed it down.

 

“Why is it happening to you and you alone?”

“Why is it only you that repeat the same time?”

 

Several drops of water fell on Crow hand that was covering my trembling fingers.

If this is a punishment. If this is the reparation for committing a sin. Then my sin must surely be having wished for my own happiness.

In other words, it had the same meaning as wishing for Soleil and Silvia’s unhappiness.

Certainly, the me of my first life was delighted by Silvia’s death.

            

But was it a sin worth giving rise to this much of a hell?

 

“Can it be that you, you think that you’re the only one who is unhappy… …?”

 

How did I answer Crow’s question? I don’t remember anymore.

What I remember, is my own figure as I stood alone in my room.

 

“However, my lady, you’re not the kind of person who would choose to end her own life.”

 

That was what had asserted Al’s voice.

            

Still, I was always anxious, and after my marriage, I never brought an edged tool inside my room. Because I feared the possibility that I would injure my skin myself.

Whether it was scissor, knife or razor, I didn’t leave anything in my room.

So, I braided a rope with the bed sheets I tore with my tooth.

            

I wasn’t sane. I wasn’t sane, but I completely understood what I was doing.

The infant I could never embrace not even once, my little sister will surely hold him in her arms.

When I imagined Soleil’s face as he was smiling in happiness while looking at the two, it became easy to carry it out.

It’s already over. I’ve already lost my purpose.

I cannot watch the appearance of that child who has become happy, I cannot watch Soleil building a future with someone else.  

If it’s a punishment, if it’s the reparation for having committed a sin, then... This reality will simply continue. A sudden complete reversal of the story will not occur.

            

I hung the rope around my neck.

The tips of my toes slipped off the chair I was stepping on.

 

Chapter 10                                               Chapter 12