Chapter 15

The dream that the Soleil of this life sees is – 1

 

It’s a dull iron color, she said as she casted down her eyes. Like an old woman’s hair.

            

He opened his mouth to say it wasn’t true, but the words wouldn’t come out.

Contrary to his own intention, he sneered and said, “Indeed.”

Hearing this, she kept her gaze down and only her lips showed a little smile. Of course, it wasn’t a smile of delight. But it neither felt like she was sad. Right, if it must be compared, it was a smile of resignation.

It was the expression of a person who has already given up on everything and anything.

I knew I should correct her, but as before, tasteful words wouldn’t come out.

            

… … Why is it like this? This, this is, not like me. To hurt her. To make her show this expression.

This, is certainly not me.

            

The faded green color of my eyes looks like the tinge of a leaf just before it withered. My parents also don’t seem to like it.

She laughed one more time. She took a little breath and asked me, you don’t like it either, right? 

For a normal listener, her mutter might sound like a mere idle complaint. Like something that could be easily ignored.

However, I immediately understood she wasn’t expecting me to deny her. It wasn’t like she wanted me to do so. She was pretending to ask me, but in reality, there was no need for an answer. Her behavior betrayed her thought that it was natural to reply with an affirmative.

When I tried to ask why she needed to always depreciate herself so much, ultimately only a sigh left my mouth.

It’s not that I wasn’t aware of the effect it would have, but I couldn’t swallow that sigh.

I certainly thought it was bad, but I couldn’t take it back.

She, who seemed to have been carefully waiting for my reaction, without showing the slightest sign of surprise, she strongly closed her eyes once, then soon she straightforwardly stared into my eyes without turning away.

            

Her eyes, which seemed to radiate light, were enough to overturn her assessment of herself.

            

That it’s a faded green color, I never once thought such a thing. Certainly, it’s a light hue, but I noticed that when you changed the angle, you’ll see they were slightly blended with a trace of amber.

I thought it couldn’t be compared to anything else in the world, they were the only eyes with such a color.

When I catch a sight of her eyes, for some reason it makes me feel happy. Completely and thoroughly happy. I’ve always thought it was a mysterious color.

But I never conveyed this feeling in words, and while I thought now would be a perfect time to say it, my lips only grasped for air and my voice refused to come out.

            

Something, an inconceivable force that I can’t begin to understand, is at work.

I must say it. I must quickly say those words. If I don’t do this, I’ll lose her heart.

Even though I knew this, my tongue refused to move, as if it had been sewed.

 

“Ah, it’s already this late. I have a lesson on courtesy now. Lord Soleil, please take your time. You see, this child will come too.”

 

When I followed her gaze, I saw a young girl whose silver hair was fluttering in the wind as she was walking toward us with a smile on her lips.

The tea party that was held in the garden of the earl’s estate only had two seats facing each other.

Can it be that, from the start, Ilya hadn’t planned to stay? Indeed, she was trying to leave as soon as she finished the greetings, exchanging as few words as possible.

            

… … Why? That tea party, didn’t you prepare it for the sake of your fiancé, for my sake?  

            

As I tried to say that, I noticed that the young girl she had called “this child” had arrived right beside me.

The girl’s sight wasn’t fixed on her older sister but rather on me, her sister's fiancé.

Receiving her gaze didn’t make my heart flutter. … Although it certainly didn’t, for an unknown reason, a smile rose to my lips.

I’m not happy. It’s not funny either. However, I can’t help but feel happy. I can’t help but feel amused. It was as if I was drunk.

 

“…It has been a while. How are you feeling?”

 

My lips, which felt they were absolutely not my own, moved to express words of concern for her.

Meanwhile, the distance between me and Ilya was increasing and yet, I couldn’t chase after her.

As if they were fixed on the ground, I couldn’t even move a toe. 

 

“Today I’m feeling particularly well. I don’t have a fever either.”

 

As the girl lowered her gaze in bashfulness with her cheeks dyed red, her long eyelashes casted a shadow over her rare purple eyes.

Ah, what a waste. While wondering while I’m thinking such a thing, I lowered my body to peer into those eyes.

When I saw my foolish face reflected in those clear eyes that twinkled mysteriously, my body felt drawn inside them as if a string within me had been plucked.

            

… … No, it’s not right. It’s not those eyes. I don’t want to be reflected in those eyes. 

 

“… Big brother…?”

“… Didn’t I say it? It’s too early to call me like this. So, you know…”

 

Call my name. I heard a sweet whispering voice resounding from somewhere far away and my head ached.

            

This, what is it? I, what the hell am I saying?

            

I feel sick. It’s nauseating.

 

“… Lord Soleil?”

 

A fleeting and passionate gaze was raised toward me. I felt that I had seen that kind of gaze somewhere sometime, but, I simply stood stock sill in blank amazement, not understanding the reason why it was directed at me.

No, that’s what I thought, but the next moment, with a slight hesitation, I gently touched the girl’s thin shoulder.

 

“I don’t want your condition to degrade again. It’s better to sit down quickly.”

 

From my mouth overflowed a whispering voice that didn’t sound like mine.

“Thank you,” she said and while I looked at her sit down on the seat that I pulled without any hesitation, I stupidly thought that seat was originally for Ilya.

Even though I couldn’t even chase after her, what am I thinking?

Meanwhile, the young girl, who is Ilya’s little sister, was talking to me while laughing really delightfully. 

           

… … Silvia. Ah, that’s right. She is, my… my, my…?

 

“… Lord Soleil, thank you for what you’re doing every time.”

 

Her thin hair that looked like it would melt in the atmosphere if you touched it, was dancing in the air. The beauty of this hair was praised by everyone. 

It’s because the maids carefully groom it, she said while smiling like it’s a trivial thing. 

I’m also proud of it, I added.

 

“Can I ask for what exactly you’re thanking me?”

“… For being kind to me… Truly, I’m really thankful. Because Lord Soleil, if you hadn’t come, I wouldn’t have been allowed to drink tea like this in the garden. Both my parents and my big sister are overprotective. They think I will become sick just from being exposed to the wind…”

“… Unfortunately, it’s not only your parents and sister who think like this.”

“Lord Soleil too?”

“Hum, that’s right.”

“Then, why…?”

“But I think a change of pace is necessary. It’s better for you to go out more often. Seeing the color of the sky, feeling the earth, smelling the air, exchanging words and opinions with someone else, it’s a lot better doing it than simply imaging it. This will at least become a reason for living.”

 

Silvia, who listened to my speech with a sincere look, repeated in a mutter the words “a reason for living”. And after a little while, she raised her gaze to look at my face with her wavering eyes.

 

“… Could you become it? A reason to live.”

“Hum?”

“Rather than ‘someone else’, can’t it be you?”

 

The young girl said this with a dreamy expression. As if to adorn the background scenery, the large roses raised by their mother were in full bloom.

With her transparent white skin slightly dyed red, the girl waited for my answer.

Once again, words that have nothing to do with my own will are assembled arbitrarily.

 

“… Of course, Silvia.”

 

Because I will become your big brother. Although just some time ago I repudiated her and told her it was too soon to call me “big brother”, my own voice that said it shamelessly sounded slightly exalted.

I thought it would be good to become her brother as soon as possible. I even thought that there would be no greater blessing than becoming Silvia’s reason for living.

When Silvia smiled at me with a joy that came from the bottom of her heart, my own lips also loosened up.

While wondering what kind of farce this was, I thought it would be great if this gentle moment could last forever.

No matter how much I struggled, I could only become her “big brother.”

But if I could be beside that girl, beside Silvia, then that would be plenty enough.

            

… …  No. It’s wrong. Why? There is no way I would think such a stupid thing. Because, I. I, I’m Ilya’s fiancé.

 

**********************

 

“Hey, Soleil. Your fiancée, recently she hasn’t been well, you know?”

 

A friend talked to me during our fencing training. Because my family standing was too high, people tended to keep their distance from me, but he was someone who was friendly with me despite this. I have known him since we were children and I was aware of his character.

 

“… By not being well, you mean?”

“It’s rumored she keeps in check every single woman who approaches you.”

“…What?”

“Oh, so you didn’t know? It has become quite a rumor in the academy. Because your fiancée’s jealousy is scary, it’s better not to get close to you.”

 

My friend shrugged his shoulders and smiled wryly. A woman’s jealousy is dreadful, he said.

While hearing his story without really listening to it, I was deep in thoughts, feeling that something was out of place.

It’s unbelievable that such a rumor existed, it didn’t sound like what my fiancé would do.

There was no element to deny the rumor. Because it wasn’t like I knew everything Ilya was doing to the extent of being aware of every single move.

However, the Ilya that I knew would obediently face forward without sparing any effort. On the contrary, she shouldn’t have been a person who would get fixated on something.  

“Your expression says you can’t believe it.”

 

My friend grinned with a nasty smile. As his eyes lightened up with a shrewd glare, he added, “But I’ve also seen that scene, you know. It was really unsightly.”

His remark showed his contempt for Ilya. At the second I flared up, ready to lose my cool, my mouth distorted in a queer shape, as if it was agreeing with him. It was probably a kind of sneering rictus.

            

… … Why was I making that expression? They’re my own emotions but I can’t control them.

Even though I should be arguing she is not the kind of person who would do that, even though I should believe in her no matter who else doubts her, I couldn’t do it.

 

“Come to think of it, your fiancée seems to have a little sister, right? There is a talk about how the hidden princess of the earl house finally appeared in high society.”

 

As I was grinding my teeth out of frustration because my body was acting contrary to my thoughts, the conversation changed topic in the meantime.

 

“Is she really as lovely as a fairy? It’s regrettable that she has poor health, but even my parents praised her and said she was well-behaved and had a good personality. I also wanted to meet her, but when it was time for her social debut, they hid her saying her health declined.”

 

Even though he had never seen Silvia in person, my friend kept talking about her as if he was lost in a dream. 

With such beautiful silver hair and purple eyes, maybe she’s not a fairy but a goddess! 

I listened to him exclaiming this in a loud voice. Although I nodded with a collected expression, involuntarily I raised my eyebrows in a frown.

 

“Hey, what are you talking about?”

 

Attracted by his voice, the gazes of the people around us gathered in our direction. They were our fellow knights students.

Maybe because he was in a good mood, my friend talked with them about Silvia. He didn’t conceal the fact that the beautiful girl, who suddenly appeared in high society, was Ilya’s little sister.

I also heard him narrate in an exaggerated tone that while Ilya and Silvia were sisters, their outward appearances were completely different.

Regarding Ilya, his description gave the same impression as what he saw previously. As for Silvia, he talked about the impression his parents had of the girl they saw at a social gathering.

Both contained a few exaggerations and dreamy statements, and they became different descriptions of the actual girls.

Even though I should speak up and correct it, the inquisitive gazes turned in our direction seemed unlikely to repress their curiosity, like they were telling me it was useless to deny it.

Moreover, I didn’t know what I should deny and how to do it.

The other students who didn’t realize my mental dilemma came closer to listen to the rumored girl who was the topic of high society.

Eventually, I helplessly lowered my eyes to avoid their gazes.  

            

What my friend was saying was incorrect but it wasn’t wrong. Silvia was certainly beautiful.

Her glittering hair particularly attracted people’s eyes, not to mention that her frail body aroused in others the desire to protect her.

Her eyes, which were like jewels, were of a mysterious purple color rarely seen in this country.

It would be easy to put this description into words. I could also have told my friend about it.

However, as I was Ilya’s fiancé, this wouldn’t be allowed. If I were to do it, it would appear as if I had fallen in love with my fiancé’s little sister. This wouldn’t be good.

 

Besides, if I told them I had been in contact with Silvia before, instantaneously she would change from a product of one’s imagination to a person of flesh and blood.

I thought it would be very dangerous. Maybe ill-intentioned fellows would try to approach that innocent girl.  

            

That’s right. Because one day I will become her big brother, I must protect Silvia.

            

Just a few days ago, I heard someone say, “Lord Soleil is very kind. Lady Silvia was talking about it. That the one who prepared her dress for the evening party was him. It must have been quite difficult to prepare a dress for even the little sister of his fiancé. Both Lady Silvia and her parents were delighted by his thoughtfulness.” 

It’s not that I didn’t understand the meaning of their suppressed chuckle. I know their words included a sense of criticism for having overdone it.

However, I thought it was alright like this. If that made Silvia happy. If that made the young girl, who begged me to become her reason for living, smile. Then, that would be truly fine.

            

… … No, wrong. What am I saying? Such a thing is impossible.

There is no way I would think that.

I can only think I’ve become crazy; something is wrong with myself.

I, what the heck happened to me?

 

“Hey, hey everyone, won’t you stop here? Look, you’re bothering Soleil.”  

 

Although I clearly refused to talk about it, still, my classmates were trying to gather more information about Silvia until one of my friends raised his voice to stop them.

Even though he had also been among that ring of listeners for a while, he made a call at that moment out of self-interest.  

 

“Even Soleil is determined to hide this cute, cute little sister of his.”

 

Those words felt to the bottom of my chest. Ah, that’s right. I don’t want to let anyone see her.

 

 

******************************

 

… … Ilya, who I met after not having seen her for a while, lowered her gaze and smiled.

 

“… Thank you for always being so kind to Silvia.”

 

That distorted smile looked as if it would change into a crying expression at any time.

            

Several times a month, if there were no urging matters, it was agreed by both our houses to visit one of the mansions in order to deepen our friendship.

It was only for a few hours, we only met for a few monotonous hours, but it wasn’t tedious.

Contrary to the other women, who only enjoyed swallow conversations devoid of deep contents, exchanging words with this clever girl was a pleasant and fruitful moment.

That’s why, this time too, I was waiting in expectation for those hours.

 

“That you prepared a dress for Silvia… I, didn’t know about it…”

 

However, at the moment our gazes met, she lowered her face immediately. It was the same reaction as at the first time we met, the same reaction as when she tried to hide that she was shaken by a feeling of insecurity.

While I noticed it, instead of worrying about her, I shook my head and answered, “It’s alright. Because one day we’ll become family.” 

When I said that, Ilya raised her face to look fixedly at me, then she smiled again.

 

“For having Lord Soleil as my fiancé, I’m really blessed.”

Despite her saying this with a laugher, her expression didn’t show the slightest trace of happiness.

 

Looking at her face, “what are you dissatisfied with?” such unreasonable words almost slipped off my mouth and were stopped just in time.

I couldn’t even understand properly what I was trying to say just now.

When Ilya suddenly raised her head, I gazed at her big eyes, which became even bigger, and I remembered that I had criticized them for their faded green hue.

“… There is... nothing... I’m dissatisfied with.” Her voice trembled unnaturally. 

I noticed that the words which should have been stopped had gone out of my mouth and I took a deep breath, but it was already too late.

“Really, nothing.” As I remained silent, Ilya thought my mood had been dampened and repeatedly corrected it again.

Looking like she was repenting, her fingers crossed before her chest became completely white. With how much strength must she clench her hands for them to end in this color? I noticed that her nails were digging into her flesh and reflexively tried to grip those hands, but both my arms refused to move an inch, as if I was paralyzed.

Even though I regretted my verbal slip, words to correct it didn’t come to my mind.

“If I have caused a misunderstanding, please accept my apologies.”

            

As she was lowering her head, I didn’t know what kind of expression she was making.

But I couldn’t even urge her to raise her head.

            

Ilya is not wrong. She has done nothing wrong.

Even though I knew I was doing something terribly cruel to her, I couldn’t act like I wanted.

            

This, what the hell am I seeing? I, I, who am…?

            

No, you, who the hell are you?   

Chapter 14                                                  Chapter 16