Chapter 12

The Third Life and Thereafter – 4

 

“It is a pleasure to meet you. My name is Ilya Il Matisse.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Soleil Van Nortis.”

 

On the day of our first meeting, Soleil lightly tilted his small head and showed a smile.

That greeting that was not directed at me but at my parents standing behind me, watching over the children’s introduction, was exchanged very easily.

Like him, I also introduced myself, but I couldn’t help but feel the difference in our peerage and my countenance became stiff as I was careful of the mood of the other party.

However, I think Soleil’s parents didn’t get a particularly bad impression of me. “Oh, what a lovely young lady” said his mother with a smile, and Soleil too turned his sights toward me.

His smile was quickly pulled up, and when his face, that became an elaborate and beautiful mask like a porcelain doll, incidentally turned in my direction, I realized.

That person was wounded.

I understood why. I heard that his fiancé had just passed away. That they got along extremely well as childhood friends.

I had never seen the person who died, but I heard the rumors. Even though she was young, she was intelligent and very pretty.

I also had been told by father to become like that person. He said that if I aimed to become a lady, then that girl who was close in age was a good model.

Although it was an unreasonable demand to ask of me when I had never ever met that person, several people who worked as my private tutors had also taught that girl, and each and every single one of them said the same thing about her.

That girl was wonderful.

 

As soon as that person died, because the position of being Soleil’s fiancé was unexpectedly dropped on me, it can be said I became her substitute, like my father told me to be.

 

The first meeting that took place in the marquis’s garden progressed very calmly.

Because both our fathers originally had friendly relations and our mothers too were acquaintances in high society, the conversations seemed to progress smoothly.

Regarding Soleil and I, after having exchanged our introduction, we both kept silent, but as I was at a loss, Soleil guided me and nonchalantly taught me what I should do.

For example, he showed me at which time to drink tea, eat pastry, how to ask for permission to leave the seat when I felt tired; with his gaze or his gesture, he demonstrated everything for me.

That’s why all I had to do most of the time was to smile and wait for time to pass.

I didn’t know what Soleil was thinking, but the time spent meeting each other gaze and watching from the sidelines was not that bad.

When our parents allowed us to leave our seats, we took a stroll in the garden together.

I wasn’t accustomed to the dress that had been prepared for today’s introduction meeting, and it couldn’t be said the dress was easy to walk with, but each time my feet stopped, a few steps ahead of me Soleil was waiting for me.

He never said “hurry up” or “not done yet?” He was simply waiting. When I chased after him in a hurry, the expression in his eyes that had a trace of sharpness despite its childish features became just a little bit softer.

Before long, his small fingers grasped my even smaller fingertips and he said,     

 

“Let’s get along well”. From there on, let’s always, always get along well.

 

Soleil was two years older than me. He was only seven, but his eyes were always gazing at the future.

I should naturally be there too, and we planned to become a harmonious pair of husband and wife.

 

… … I wonder where I went wrong.

 

************************

 

I clearly saw my hand letting go of the cup filled with black tea.

The crack made when it collided with its saucer in a clanking sound, surely, was a representation of the relationship between Soleil and me.

When I raised my head, my eyes reflected the face of Soleil who was unusually surprised.

Next to him, having shrugged her shouldesr after being frightened by the sound of the colliding porcelain, stood Silvia.

           

Now, the two have accomplished their first meeting.    

           

At that moment, recalled memoires filled my head to the brim.

Along with the frightening feeling that the blood in my whole body flew backwards, various scenes flashed passed then disappeared.

My past life. Its previous life and the one before that, the one before that too, and the one even before, the previous one of that.

I wondered at which one I stopped counting.

 

“Ilya, what happened…?”

 

While looking at Soleil’s doubtful expression, I remembered the lives I went through until now.

I am a human who cannot forget anything and everything.

It was supposed to be like that. From which point did a hole start to appear in the memories I should be remembering?

I remember the previous one, but I can’t clearly recall the one before that. However, I can recollect the one before it perfectly, and I’m forgetting the one from even further before.

It means I have repeated the same life that many times. 

           

When I unconsciously looked up at the sky, I saw a small bird dancing high above.

But it was not black. It was not Crow.

 

“… No, nothing is wrong. My apology. My hand slipped.”

 

Al, who was near me, called the maid and watched her skillfully tidy up the broken cup.

While I felt my pulse was echoing loudly like it was violently rousing up, my head cooled down and calmly conveyed the fact that this development was the beginning.

If I leave my seat, if at that time I slowly rise while saying “I am feeling a bit unwell, would it be alright with you if I took my leave first?” then, Soleil will frown with an increasingly dubious expression.

If other people saw it, it’s not a change big enough to deduce this, but for me who have only been watching him since our childhood, I perfectly understood all of Soleil’s emotions.

Furthermore, the span of time spent watching him was not limited to this life only.

 

“Big sister, are you alright?”

 

I noticed that the cup I dropped when Soleil was exchanging his greetings, had cut apart the gentle mood that was flowing between them. My little sister had not sat down yet.

“Lord Soleil, please take care of Silvia.” When I said that, his expression immediately slackened and he turned to face my little sister.

“I apologize”, he said and, in my stand, he lowered his head and pulled the chair for her.

“No, that... it is I who should apologize,” replied my little sister, who had become flustered and whose cheeks had been dyed red.

While her beauty had snatched away everyone’s eyes, I urged Al with my gaze. He took my right hand to escort me. I didn’t think that he, as my escort, would do such a boorish action in front of Soleil who was my fiancé, but in this situation; even Soleil probably wouldn’t rebuke him.

Besides, there is no doubts he was no longer paying me any mind.

While keeping Soleil who was fixedly staring at the round cheeks of my little sister at the corner of my eyes, I left my seat.

Not knowing how many times I saw that scene that kept being repeated, I dropped my gaze.

When Al whispered “My lady” in my ears, I realized my feet had stopped.

           

As I grasped my heart that was assailed by pain similar to a strong cramp, I felt like I could have carved out my chest with a knife.

Why am I like this? Why don’t I tire of being hurt again and again?

           

When I saw the worried face of Al who was looking at me, I suddenly remembered.

In one of my previous lives, I took his hand and eloped.

At the beginning, I stubbornly rejected his hand, but, after experiencing lives where I got relentlessly corned over and over again, I felt into a clear despair and took his hand at last.

If it had been a romance novel like the ones that are flourishing among the commoners, it would have become the kind of love story all young maidens were reading with captivation.

A forbidden love with an escort, it would be narrated from that perspective.

However, Al and I were not in love. Al was just feeling pity for me.

Moreover, he was a person who would carry out his loyalty. 

           

Right, loyalty.

           

I knew that if I ran away from my parents’ home before marrying Soleil, I could never come back.

The fact that in each life, we got married after I graduated from the academy was neither out of I nor Soleil’s own volition. Everything was controlled by the marquis house.

The earl’s daughter called “Ilya”, seemed to be much more capable than what she herself thought, and when she was attending school, other families had tried to butt in and prevent her from joining the marquis house.

Due to the reason that their peerage didn’t match, there had been houses trying to tear up the engagement with Soleil and tie a new marriage connection with him.

That’s why, before things got more troublesome, the marquis house hastened to take me in and it became a ceremony that had been coercively and hastily advanced under their arrangement.

However, I didn’t harbor any particular dissatisfaction with that. Rather, I was delighted to become Soleil’s wife as soon as possible.

So, even if I didn’t do anything, the preparations for my marriage with Soleil favorably moved forward.

           

I wonder why I abruptly thought that if I must flee, it was now or never. I think, I just thought that I had to flee. 

“My lady, please state your wish. Please, choose to take this hand.” 

Was it his sincere gaze that moved my stubborn heart, or had that time simply come?

Because Al said that I was more important than anything else in this world. I may have thought it wouldn’t be bad to believe in those words. Or maybe, my heart had been worn out by those repeating lives and could not make the correct decision.

When Soleil’s heart started to incline toward Silvia, I chose to get away from them. Even though I thought I could never do such a thing, but after having made up my mind, all that was left was to polish a plan.

It should have been a carefully prepared plan. But an unexpected situation occurred.

What Al and I lacked, was probably the ability to ascertain every and any single detail with a discerning eye.

We ran away together in the middle of the night, borrowing the help of several people, we tried to leave the town, and were surrounded.

When I learned those people were the proteges of the marquis, I was already in a situation where I couldn’t move. They were thoroughly prepared and paid no attention to my and Al’s resistance.

That was natural. They were the so-called marquis’s intelligence unit. The dark side of the nation.

Such a thing as capturing Al and me, for the unit mainly in charge of assassination, it was even easier than twisting a baby’s neck.

It’s not that Al was weak. He worked as an escort knight. His real ability was guaranteed simply by the fact he was serving my earl house.

But he couldn’t fight equally with humans from the dark side who had been killing people as a living. 

           

As if it was natural, Al stood before me. To protect me.

As if to say it was his duty as an escort.

And then, in front of me, he was slashed and died.

            

“At this late hour, if you abandon your obligations, I’ll be troubled.” 

The marquis’s wife, who came to visit me after I returned home, said that with the same calm smile she had the first time we met. 

“It’s not like you’ve grown up this far by yourself, right? It’s not just your parents who have raised you to become the next marquis’s wife. For that purpose, our house has also devoted its power, hasn’t it? Most of your education expanses were burdened by our house. Did you know that?” 

The marquis’s wife who only stated facts in a detached tone leaned her face that looked a lot like Soleil’s towards me and added, “You have to properly understand that there is no replacement for you.” 

Indeed, I never thought that the unit called the marquis’s dog would move simply to search for me. In the end, I, who couldn’t foresee that far ahead, had been too swallow.

The bride of a marquis eloping was a big scandal in the high society. The aristocratic society was most concerned about appearances and dignity after all. 

           

And then, Al, as the person who had lent his hand for the elopement, was labeled as the main criminal for instigating the whole affair.

In the first place, Al’s direct employers were my parents. Al, who tried to release me betrayed the earl house.

That’s why he was mercilessly cut down and sacrificed. I was not allowed to express the slightest vindication.

It was too late to say that I was the one who planned everything, that it wasn’t his fault.

Because he had already died.

            

“Because he died protecting his master, he fulfilled his long-cherished ambition as a knight, right?”

           

The marquis’s wife laughed with an extreme satisfaction. Her words were right in a sense.

Because, he had wished to live as a knight and die as a knight.

His wages were indeed paid by the earl house, but he had said that I “was his only master.” He said he had no intention to obey anyone else.

In my former life, it had also been the same when I requested from him to protect my little sister rather than me. Because it was my command, he reluctantly protected Silvia while gritting his teeth.

Since he did it while showing a frustration that came from the bottom of his heart, I think I ended up misunderstanding Al’s kindness.

Before I knew it, I came to believe he was existing for my sake. I lost him in my first life, and after that, I exerted myself to keep him away.

Perhaps it was because I had foreseen that I would lose him someday.

That’s how my former self used to be. And yet, I took him along with me.  

 

“… … I’m Alfred’s fiancé. No, I was his fiancé.”

 

A few days after that runaway drama, I, who had naturally been restrained, had a visitor.

It was a young woman. From her clothes I could tell she wasn’t from the aristocracy, but probably the daughter of a merchant. Their design was trendy and they were decorated with many frills that were very popular with town girls recently.

However, none of that suited the dark color of the cloth that reminded of a mourning dress.

No, it was wrong. That woman was definitely wearing a mourning dress.

The reason why it wasn’t clear whether or not they looked like mourning clothes, was because that woman was still his fiancé and had yet to become his legal wife.

In other words, she was still a stranger who was only scheduled to become a family member.

It was different from grieving over the death of one’s own family member.    

 

“Were you aware of my existence?”

 

She was still a young maiden with adorable features. Al is older than me by five years, so she may have been around the same age as me. She should be 17 or 18.

Despite that, she was exulting a composed attitude. It was maybe because of her deep grief.

Her little face scattered with freckles stared at me fixedly. It seemed her pair of eyes, whose contour was tinged with red, were blaming and sentencing me.

Even though she had asked me if I knew her, she didn’t wait for an answer before she said,

 

“Alfred and I had planned to get together once your life had settled down. We had such a promise.”

 

She said she didn’t know how many years it would take but she intended to wait, then she covered her eyes. Her tears gently felt on her hands that were tightly grasped on top of her knees.

She took into consideration both my situation and Al’s, anything and everything, yet how deep must have been the determination of the young girl who still decided to wait?

Even if she didn’t have the appearance of a noble, from her clothes I could guess she was from a wealthy family. A woman born in such a family bears the duty of connecting two houses through marriage.

Al and her probably got promised to each other to gain such a tie. But Al chose the path of running away with me. Because I wanted to. It was impossible for him to reverse the decision of the one and only master he chose.

That’s why she also must have made her own decision. She had no other choice but to decide.

She planned to choose Al, she planned to abandon her family.

That’s how much thoughts and feelings she had put into it.  

           

Ah, dear Lord. I... what did I... do? What on earth... did I do?

           

I knew that words such as “I’m sorry” held no meaning.

I was always on the side of those who got things stolen from them.

That’s why I knew such words would not provide her the slightest bit of relief. 

“Can it be that you, you think that you’re the only one unhappy… …?” 

At that moment, I remembered Crow’s words.

 

“Alfred was pitiful. Because he made you his master, he died……”

 

Although her tears that kept trickling down looked transient, the strong gaze aimed at me pierced my chest.

I didn’t know. I didn’t know the slightest thing. I was not even aware of the fact Al had a fiancé.

No, that’s wrong. I didn’t even try to know.

Because Al knew everything about me, I was under the impression that words were not needed between us.

And then, I rested on my laurels and took Al’s gentle words for granted, and I relied on the hand that must absolutely never be grasped.

Because of that, Al died. I stole Al from her.

           

Ah, I wonder how foolish I am.

           

… … What happened after that, I don’t remember it well. Just that high society wasn’t particularly kind toward a noble woman who had attempted to elope once.

Even though I intended to lay low, before I knew it, I was in a bed of thorns, and worse than that, the attitude of Soleil, who didn’t hide his disappointed look, never ceased to hurt me.

His cold eyes no longer reflected my appearance, and our lines of sight never met.

I couldn’t reach out for his hand when we were walking, our fingers didn’t even touch each other’s. 

           

I recall his voice when he said, “Even though I’m the one that was abandoned, why are you making such a pained expression?” 

I think in this life, Soleil and Silvia didn’t remain married for life.

But, as expected, I can’t remember well.

           

… … The next one, the next one for sure, I have to carry through by myself.

That's what I thought while thinking back on my previous life.

 

And so, in my life that turned back once again, I planned my elopement.    

 

Chapter 11                                                         Chapter 13