Chapter 22

If this is the real end – 5

 

Let’s say there was a painting and a jewel. Then, the painting would be hung out in the most conspicuous place in the mansion, and the jewel would be hidden in the drawer of a dresser.

These two items whose fate could be described as quite contrasted, were given to us sisters by our father. In terms of beauty, the object I received didn’t lose.

But there was a heavenly difference between their values.

A painting drawn by an amateur, and a rare jewel that didn’t have another match in this world. While its rarity meant a price couldn’t be put on it, the emotions invested into it were certainly not equal.

From a third party’s perspective, I, who received the jewel, might have seemed more fortunate.

But that wasn’t the case.

That’s why I hid the square box which contained that gem in the top drawer of my dresser.

It wasn’t an object I had desired myself. I didn’t want it. Such a thing.

 

********************

 

Staring fixedly at the necklace adorning my chest, Silvia said, “Nice for you, big sister.”

To her who pouted her lips with a truly envious expression, I returned a wry smile. I simply didn’t know what to say.

 

“Are you dissatisfied with my painting?” gently said father, who was standing beside Silvia, listening to her voice while combing her thin hair with his fingers. Enjoying the sensation of gliding his fingers in that smooth hair, he repeated that gesture many times.

Not displaying a special reaction to that father, Silvia accepted his gesture as natural. A daughter approaching marriageable age might tend to dislike having excessive skinship with her father, but for my little sister, it wasn’t the case.

I guess they had a harmonious relationship as family members. Outsiders would surely perceive it as such. And in reality too, that was the case.

           

… … But only I was not included there.

I had never been glued like this to father. As far as I remembered, him stroking my hair never happened even once.

From long ago, father and I had been alienated.

 

“Even though I took great pains to paint it for your sake ah…”

Facing father, who said that with a depressed attitude, Silvia became flustered and shook her head. “Ah, no, that’s not it…! I’m sorry father…”

Their appearances, as only the upper half of her body was lifted from the bed while she clung to father, didn’t look like they were lovers, but still gave the strange feeling that you wouldn’t be surprised if told they were a couple.

Despite the fact he was supposed to approach the latter half of his forties, the virile looks of my forever youthful father were famous to the point of being at the center of rumors even in the noble society full of good-looking individuals.

Seeing the flustered state Silvia was in, father looked over her with affection and shrugged his shoulders with exaggeration. “Hehe, well, it can’t be help that you said that. Because it’s true that the stone I gave to Ilya was expensive.”

 

His line of sight drifted in my direction when he said my name, but our eyes didn’t meet. Since Silvia had mentioned me, he reluctantly turned his face towards me but it didn’t have any meaning.

The profile of father who retracted his gaze back to my little sister eloquently showed how tremendously he loved Silvia. I, who was watching this from a little distance away, was forced to take on the role of a spectator, like I was looking at the stage from the sidelines.

I wasn’t a character in this story. I wasn’t a supporting character, neither an onlooker. Just a reader. I looked at the two of them cuddling together with this feeling.

 

“… But, big sister, your necklace is really beautiful. It’s the same color as your eyes.”

 

Even if we were only a third-rank earl family, the estate still boasted of a certain broadness, so my little sister’s room was certainly not narrow at all. Because I was standing quite some distance away from the bed, we couldn’t communicate with each other unless we raised our voices.

However, I had already received the education of a lady. It was impossible for me to do such an improper thing. Especially in front of father.

But for some reason, the charming and lively voice of my little sister didn’t sound like it was loud. I wonder if the soft wind coming from the slightly opened window in order to refresh the air was carrying her voice. Carrying it from the other side of that canopy, which I could never approach.

           

I could see the appearance of my spoiled little sister as her upper body was leaning on father, who was sitting on the bed.

As Silvia kept repeating “How nice,” father kindly admonished her, “It’s something I gave to Ilya as a commemoration for her debut in high society you know.”

We weren’t at a ball right now, and although it was a bit laughable to wear such a magnificent pendant pared with plain casual clothes, but because Silvia had said she wanted to see it, I had to grant her wish.

When I opened the box, she said that just looking at it was not good, and I couldn’t ignore the sulking expression of my cute little sister as she protested, “Big sister, if you aren’t wearing it, it’s meaningless.”

           

The day I made my debut in upper society, she was bedridden and her wish to see the necklace couldn’t be fulfilled. That was probably why she said that.

“The debut in high society? Then it’ll be my turn this year!” Father looked over Silvia, whose checks were dyed in happiness, with a gaze mixed with both affection and pity.

Silvia didn’t seem to have noticed, but whether or not she would make her debut was uncertain. As she spent most of her days sleeping, she didn’t have the time to receive the education of a lady, and above all, her studies couldn’t catch up.

It would be extremely dreadful for a pure and ignorant child to enter a world where everyone competes to surpass others.

           

Although she was still a teenager, because she carried the name of our earl house, carelessness will hardly be tolerated when our home hosts a party.

Besides, that child was already overly excited just thinking about going to a ball. On the actual day, there was a high possibility she would come up with a fever. The memory of how she was allowed to enter the academy, but on the appointed day she had to stay in bed, was still fresh.

Seeing father’s reaction, I felt that my thinking was right on point. However, it would be foolish to expressly tell everything to her and make my little sister sad.

Because I understood how much father doted on Silvia and loved her.

           

Certainly, the jewel that decorated my neck was gorgeous and shiny, but it was not fitting for the plain me. A lot of parents would buy those kinds of things for their beloved daughters as they would make their debut.

Above all if you were an aristocrat who valued his pride, it would be natural to prepare the top-quality products to not embarrass your daughter. Of course, it was also the case for this house.

But I knew it wasn’t offered out of love. The elaborate golden craftsmanship showed it was a high quality good, and the pea-green jewel arranged in the middle of the pendant highlighted how befitting and worthy of a noble this necklace was.

If its owner hadn’t been me, this item would have been plenty enough to adorn a noblewoman.

I understood why Silvia was envious of it. Rarely allowed to leave her room, my little sister admired the princesses in fairy tales. It was inevitable that she would harbor respect, awe and longing towards noble daughters.

That was why she wanted objects a girl from a noble family would wear. However, ultimately, I thought it was only because she didn’t know about the circumstances surrounding those gifts.    

 

“Let’s order one jewel the same color as these eyes.”

 

One day, suddenly, after having been called to father’s study, I was told this before even hearing what it was about. Neither did he explain why he had called me when we hadn’t faced each other for a while.

He just said those words to the merchant who had been here before I arrived. The merchant who received the order respectfully agreed and, like he was performing a magic trick, he took a paper from his breast pocket and quickly drew the picture of a necklace.

Then, with an expression akin to licking his lips, he asked, “would this be satisfactory?”

           

For a second, father, who had surely noticed his reaction, made a displeased expression but that was all. It may be the usual exchange for them.

The merchant explained how much value the goods had with great loquacity, lifting the corner of his lips as he said how this necklace was more than fitting for a young girl.

Father never showed any interest and merely nodded once, leaving the room after saying to hand over the bill to the steward.

He never looked once in my direction, going away without granting me the permission to withdraw.

           

The merchant looked at the left-behind-me with a troubled face. He asked me if I had any requirement or wish for the necklace with a kind of pitying expression.

I understood he was feeling sympathy for me. I was a pathetic girl whose father wouldn’t even look at her, only giving her jewels.

He was surely a merchant who was dealing with several famous houses. I didn’t know what he thought, but maybe this scene was one he had never seen in other families. He probably had never come across a father who bought jewels only out of compulsory obligation.

It was only done so that I wouldn’t disgrace our third-ranked earl house when I make my debut. So that we wouldn’t look like a family who couldn’t afford to buy some precious stones and be looked down on by others.

 

“But, father’s painting is even lovelier than the necklace!”

 

Silvia’s voice flew to my ear as I casted down my eyes and the pendant came into my line of sight whether I wanted or not.

More than her words, it’s her innocent laugh that made my mood sink. Put down beside the bed, the portrait of Silvia painted by father was truly well-made. Many colors had been placed on the big canvas.

It expressed the ephemeral beauty of Silvia well. At the same time, it made you feel an overflowing affection. It had the charm to attract the heart of anyone seeing it.

That painting let you understand it had been drawn very carefully over time. 

           

The one who had painted it was none other than father. The same year he gave me the necklace, he also offered that painting.

“Hey, big sister. You think so too, right?” When I was abruptly brought back to the discussion and tilted my head in wonder, Silvia made a pouting expression.

Please, listen properly to the conversation, she protested as she pretended to sulk. “Also, why did you come here today?”

I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed being asked this question after all this time.

           

Contact with Silvia, who was in bad physical condition, should be kept to the minimum. That was the promise I made to mother a long, long time ago.

Therefore, taking a distance from Silvia who was still in poor health until a few days ago and had yet to return to a normal state was natural for me.

However, Silvia said with a saddened expression, “Even if you don’t stand that far away, you won’t catch my disease you know.”

It seemed she didn’t know about mother’s orders.

           

Then, wanting to comfort her, father didn’t hide the blame carried in his eyes when he turned them towards me.

Even though he should have known everything, he didn’t seem to intent of covering up for me. Just saying, “your mother has ordered her not to do that,” would have been enough, yet he didn’t say it.

As Silvia never blamed mother, it would be very unlikely for her to protest, but on the one in a million chance she would, I suppose he decided to hide the fact his wife had prohibited me from getting closer.

I heard the distant voice of father as he whispered softly, “what a cruel older sister.”

           

I thought it was a very harsh remark, but I understood that no matter what I did, it would be useless. That was because this house was revolving around Silvia.

Because father, the head of the family, did so, and his spouse, mother, was the same, the servants have also learnt to act like that.

Because Silvia’s health was poor, because Silvia’s physical condition was weak, because Silvia was pitiable, because Silvia was lonely, because Silvia was, Silvia was… …

I wonder, until when was it again that I was saddened by this?         

           

The sole exception was only me. Only I could give priority to myself.

While each and everyone, including the servants, were busy worrying about Silvia, I was sitting at my desk, holding onto a pen.

Only I, the future marquise, was allowed to do that. Even my parents never took this future for granted, like it was the natural course of events. At dinner, mother would smile and tell me, “Since you’ll be fine even if we leave you by yourself, I can rest assured,” while father ignored me, keeping quiet.

When I was young, I thought this was proof that I was being trusted. But it was certainly not.

When was it that I understood I was merely being neglected? It wasn’t that I was being praised for managing well even if I was alone, nor was I being told that I would be fine even if I were to only be by myself.

Since even if you are left alone, it’s fine, I don’t have to care, was what was asserted as she averted her eyes from me.

           

It’s not like I was coerced into it. It’s not like I was told to work hard by myself.

However, leaving this unsaid was an unfair manner of speaking.

So, I returned a lady-like smile. A perfect armor for the sake of not showing any emotion.

I thought it was the best reaction to take to face those nobles.

Then, I gripped my pen once again and headed for my desk.

           

I knew that only this could support me. Only knowledge, wisdom and education would shape me.

That’s why I had to work much harder. No matter how many times I repeat my life, only this was always the same.

 

***********************

 

Since it was decided I would be the fiancée of the marquis’ heir and I was introduced to Soleil, most of my time was spent studying for that sake.

Originally, my qualifications weren’t good enough. After all, my memory was average and I wasn’t very sociable.

As much as possible, I devoted myself to studying. Secluding myself in the archives of the mansion, from morning to evening, I held my pen and wrote.

           

Since the marquis house would have to interact with foreign countries, I thought it would be better to remember as many foreign languages as possible, and it was also necessary to know about world history accordingly.

Because I was hoping that such trivial details could become advantageous in diplomacy.

Sometimes I studied with a teacher, sometimes by myself.

I just single-mindedly poured all my efforts into not becoming a fiancée that would embarrass Soleil.

           

Several books were piled up on the desk. I thought they would become my strength.

In that silent room, only the sound of the pen gliding across paper echoed. The black tea prepared for a break had already cooled down, but the maids never came here.

From time to time, Al would check on my condition but he didn’t speak and just left. He was probably worried about breaking my concentration.

 

Because I had sat down on the same chair for who knows how many hours, my lower back hurt.

At the time I stretched out and heaved a breath, the silence was cut off by a faint laugher.

There was only me in the archive, so naturally, it didn’t come from inside this room. Lured by the high-pitched voice peculiar to a young girl that resounded once again, I turned my eyes toward the window.

The sunlight shining on the red carpet of the archives was dazzling. My eyes spontaneously scrutinized the scene behind them. I could see the figures of Silvia and her maids.

They were walking on the sunny lawn as if bouncing on it. The maids were hurrying after the silhouette laughing in a happy voice, seemingly about to start running at any moment.

It was a nonchalant scene of a nonchalant ordinary day. A scene neither special nor unusual.

The only thing different was the people walking behind them, the master of our house, father. And my mother who was walking further behind.  

 

I tilted my head, wondering if today was a special day, and from above I overlooked the figures of my parents and little sister walking in our wide garden, basking in the sunshine.

From the archives located on the second floor, I could really see them well. I genuinely thought it looked fun, and I reflected on myself, who was lurking in the shadows to avoid the sunlight.

My dark colored dress seemed kind of ominous. The dress of my little sister fluttering in the wind was of a light color, it looked like it was capturing all the sunlight.

Although because of her fragility there were a lot of times she wasn’t allowed to leave her room, a bright place suited her well.  

           

Eventually, my seemingly-getting-along-well parents and little sister stopped in one place and lunch was unwrapped before them.  The well-organized maids had already brought a table from the mansion.

When my fingers followed their silhouettes across the glass of the window, it felt like I could touch this happy and harmonious family, but it was somewhat painful.

These archives were the place I belonged to; it was my job to drive knowledge into my head here. No one said anything about this, and because mother was making an unusually satisfied expression, I thought it was fine. Even now that feeling remained unshaken.

But speaking of interacting with my parents, it only happened during dinner time. I didn’t even have a memory of having one conversation with father.

           

I really wanted to hear his opinion on questions related to the territory management, but when I asked the servant to tell him I wanted to ask for his instructions, my meeting request was rejected in one word, saying he was busy.

With a hint of sarcasm, I was told there was no free time, not even a few minutes to spare for me.

           

That person was looking at Silvia with a smile, standing in front of a canvas placed in the garden.

From where I stood, I could see father drawing a picture, and I understood my little sister was his model.

Was it mother’s role to ascertain that? She was standing at a little distance from these two, watching over them.

Sometimes laugher was mixed in their conversation, and its echoes were thoroughly delivered to the place I stood. I was so far apart from them, and yet I heard it, how strange that was.

           

A peaceful day. A day lively passed with family. And I, who was looking at it from a distant place.

Incidentally, my line of sight fell on the books of foreign languages piled up on the desk. I have to open them right now and learn the words. Otherwise, I will lose to the other young ladies of my generation.

Like this, I don’t think now is the time to look at the figures of my parents and my little sister.

           

But, but... My gaze refused to peel off them.

In order to break it off, I took a step back. Immediately my strength left me. I couldn’t support the weight of my body. My right hand that I extended promptly brushed off the pile of books.

Oh no, just as I thought that, the books collapsed and at the same time, the ink bottle fell over. The deep blue liquid spread on the desk, drops of it felling from its corner one after the other, mercilessly staining the books on the floor.

Confused by the sudden incident, reflexively, I reached out to catch the drops and stop the flow of the ink. From my fingertips to my wrist, everything was dyed dark blue, and while I didn’t know what it represented, I thought that the real me might be dirtied all over like this.

           

In my repeating lives, I did everything in order to protect myself.

Even when I fell as low as becoming a prostitute, I kept my life by submitting my body.

In order to accumulate as many “today” as possible. That was my objective, and this and only this became my life.

When I thought so, I irremediably wanted to cry, but when the urge to cry arose, I strongly shut down my eyes. My clenched teeth made a disagreeable sound. Even so, I didn’t want to loosen my lips.

Because it seemed like if I were to relax my strength even the slightest bit, sobbing would leak out. I kept blinking over and over, waiting for my tears to scatter.

With both hands dyed black, I held on my heart atop my clothes.

           

… … On the day I made my social debut, the one who escorted me to make the courtesy calls was Soleil. He looked at the pendant decorating my neck and said it was a magnificent jewel. After praising the dressed up me, saying I was “beautiful” in a tone devoid of any emotion, he continued with another comment, your father’s love for you can be seen through it.

He had been right. As there were no other stones semblable to the big gem that was the same color as my eyes, the color of dead leaves, it fetched a high price for its rarity.

It wasn’t wrong to say it was magnificent. It was also not wrong to say father’s love could be seen through it.

           

It clearly showed how especially not loved I was.

           

But at that time, it was alright. Because after all, Soleil was there. Because he was holding my hand, supporting my body when I seemed to be about to fall because of my brand-new shoes I wasn’t used to.

His cold, freezing gaze even appeared lovely to me. Just the thought that one day, this man would become my husband was enough to fill my heart with satisfaction.

Probably no one else would understand. Understand my craving for other’s warmth because mother wouldn’t embrace me. Understand my feeling that an ordinary painting made by an amateur, something that shouldn’t have any value, was more beautiful and precious than any gem.

How miserable I had been, living while telling myself that it wasn’t like I wasn’t loved.

That was why I unconditionally loved the man who would become my husband.

 

“…… Have you ever tried to think about why you aren’t loved?”

 

In one of my lives, there had been a person who told me this in that place.

When the sunlight felt on the pitch-black robe, I noticed it had just a little bit of a tinge of blue.

Even though it was a disturbing conversation, those black eyes were completely calm.

 

“Just as there is no reason for loving someone, have you never thought there might be no reason for not being loved?”

 

Even if I thought his porcelain face didn’t look human, I also thought it was affixed with a somehow grieving expression.

That being said, he didn’t seem to be acting. I simply knew those eyes, those eyes that seemed to be doubting everything and anything in the world.

I was sitting down at the desk, holding my pen like usual, but I couldn’t write down a single thing in the notebook. Crow, who had dropped his line of sight on that hand, laughed once again.   

 

“Why?”

 

The question echoed in the archives as the laugher from outside could still be faintly heard.

 

“Why... has Crow…”

 

My voice trembled greatly. The pounding of my heart relentlessly grew inside my ears.

 

“… If there is no reason to love, then what you are doing may be meaningless.”  

 

Beyond my hazy field of vision, I could see a white face awkwardly smiling at me.

That Crow would have such a human expression so unlike him made me laugh.

Seeing me like this, Crow answered while directing his gaze toward the window, “Even I laugh.”

I told him that I knew it was meaningless, but maybe because he didn’t hear my murmuring voice, there was no answer… …

 

“Why, here...”

 

My fingertips were cold. The me and the Crow inside my memory had certainly exchanged those words in the archives.

But until now, I hadn’t remembered it.

No, rather than that… … I didn’t even have the memory of it.

           

In the past, I was a person who never forgot anything. For that reason, I thought I could never cast aside my love.

But as my lives piled up, my memory became cloudy. There were things I could recall and things I couldn’t do so anymore. It was surely like this.

           

… … There might be something, something very important, that I have forgotten.

 

Chapter 21                                                     Chapter 23

Nocta’s talkative note:

First, the most important:

“Since you’ll be fine even if we leave you by yourself, I can rest assured,”

Since even if you are left alone, it’s fine, I don’t have to care

I don’t know if I made the nuance clear. In the 2^nd sentence, Ilya’s mother is saying “you don’t matter, I don’t care about you, there is no need to worry about you whether you are left alone or not.” That kind of heartless words. The Japanese raw were great about those two sentences. Hardly any words changed but the meaning completely did.

 

Now, let’s ramble and chatter:

Aah I died. It was too long. Moreover, it was only huge, compact paragraphs of words. Usually I respect the author’s disposition of the text, but this time I cut down the paragraphs to make it more readable. You might also have been wondering why sometimes the dialogues are standing alone on a line and sometimes they are in the middle of a paragraph, or even in italic, but that’s all because I’m keeping it the way the author wrote. Even though I think it’s really messy.

 

Regarding this chapter’s content, hehe last time we discovered how neglected Ilya had been by her mother, now we see her father is even worse, he doesn’t even bother pretending to like her. And there is the painting! Foreshadowed in a previous chapter as being hanged in a corridor, like a simple decoration, it actually had much more meaning! It’s proof of how much their father loves Silvia more than Ilya! And this painting is only the beginning, mwahahaha.

Chapter 21

If this is the real end – 4

 

“I no longer love you.”

 

When I put them out loud, I managed to say those words without much difficulty.

The painful cramp in the depths of my chest was a remnant of the “memories” from the numerous lives I have accumulated.

Even though I certainly thought it was painful, I also felt that I had built up a resistance to the pain that had been steadily carved into this body.

For that reason, I thought that if I tried to not mind it, I could manage it somehow.

 

“I no longer… …”

 

In the library, which had become deadly silent because nobody was there anyway, I pretended to read a book and whispered it one more time.

Then, I noticed that my lips were trembling. It was painful and felt as if my struggling breath was blocked in my throat. Instinctively, I tightly grasped my neck with both hands.

Simultaneously, a strained laugh leaked out from my lips because I realized what I was doing.

I was strangling my neck as I imagined the incident that hadn’t happened presently.

I hadn’t lost myself to the point of not noticing this foolishness. 

 

“… … love... you.”

 

The disconnected words that I muttered a second time melted into the air, leaving behind a trailing note. However, those words that have lost their existences as mere sounds, still coiled around this body and won’t leave. There were words imbued with that much meaning.

In all those lives until now, for Soleil’s sake, for my little sister’s sake, but also for my own sake consequently, I have tried to convey it many times.

I knew lying to myself was the best method and I thought I should do that. Just a single word, if I could say it, Soleil and I could have moved forward to form a more positive relationship.  

 

If we didn’t love each other. If we didn’t harbor any feelings.

           

A plain and indifferent relationship should have been permitted. Building a relation of trust as two work partners strictly would be alright.

Even if we couldn’t become a harmonious couple, in order to defend the territory, we could have fabricated a partnership that would have taken the name of “family.”

And yet, in every life, I never could convey those words.

           

“Why?”

 

I wonder why I’ve fallen in love with Soleil. In those lives that kept repeating again and again, I also kept repeating this question again and again.

Even though I knew I wouldn’t receive an answer, without ever coming to an end, this doubt never gets swept away.

I still remember the sensation that appeared the moment our eyes met on that day in my childhood. No matter how many lives accumulated, no matter how much time passed, that emotion never faded.

Rather than describing it as falling in love, it was more correct to say that I felt something.

If I dared name that event... If that hapless fate was the work of God...

 

Then it was exactly like a divine revelation.

           

No one would call what happened at that moment “falling in love.” I understood this well.

But without doubt, I can say that my life started the instant I met Soleil.

In that unfamiliar place where I couldn’t hide how tensed I was, those almond eyes which slightly loosened as I was told “It’s alright”, “Don’t worry, it’s alright” while presenting me that small hand, I could never forget them.

Even the tone of his voice seemed to be revived and echoed in my ears.

At that moment, my heart started to beat out and time started to tick away.

It was soft, but even now I could remember the sensation of that hand that grasped mine tightly. I could feel it right now, as if it was being done this instant. If I curved my fingers, it felt as if I was holding his hand.

Because his white skin suited his thin-iced eyes, I had imagined that it would feel like touching ice, but of course his hands held warmth. My hand, which had seldomly been grasped by my parents, I remembered how he wrapped both of his hands around it.

           

Each time I recalled those fingertips that glided on the back of my hand to make me feel reassured, the words said by Soleil, “It’s alright,” had their importance increased and were transformed into something special.

Receiving the unbearable heavy responsibility of being the fiancée of the Marquis’s son, although sometimes it left me petrified, those words the young him said merely a few times, for better or worse, they gave me a push on the back.

 

“… Alright.”

 

In the dead silent library, only a few students remained. Surrounded by the bookshelves, large desks, which allowed several people to sit down to study, were lined up in an orderly fashion. But during the daytime, there was enough room for me to sit alone at that shared desk.

That’s why, even though we were in the same room, each person was sitting far from each other’s. The distance was such that it permitted me to speak to myself in a whisper. Even if my muttering voice was overheard, naturally, other people would not know what I was saying. 

 

“It’s alright.” 

 

I tightly clasped my trembling hands, repeating the words the Soleil of the past had told me.

However, it felt exactly as if I was reciting a line in a story, it wasn’t accompanied by the slightest emotion.

Even though the young me had certainly been rescued by those words.

Even though those words had always pushed my back.

Now, they had no meaning.

           

… … “Say, what are your thoughts about separating two people who have feelings for each other?”

           

I suddenly recalled Saion’s words. Even if it has only been a few hours since then, it already seemed to have happened a very long time ago.

Speaking of what I did after staying paralyzed, unable to say a single word back to him: I went to the afternoon class, wearing a composed expression as if nothing had happened.

It was an expression of ignorance in order to pretend to be unaware of the rumors about Soleil and Silvia that were sure to come at me.

If I didn’t know anything, it meant I wouldn’t have to do anything. I averted my eyes from the behavior of my fiancé.

Seeing me act like this, the students of the academy mocked me with smiles full of scorn, seemingly waiting for the opportunity to taunt and make fun of me.

They were surely waiting for the moment I would commit a blunder. Because there is no doubt that if it had been the me from not long ago, she would have marched straight into the groups which were amusing themselves with the gossip.

So, I was only looking forwards. Not hanging down my head and lowering my eyes was my small form of resistance. That was the only thing I could do.

There was no way to correct my past behavior that I was guilty of. The me from the time when I was keeping in check every single woman who approached Soleil, had driven me into a corner.

Now I must remain absolutely silent while avoiding any action that would stand out.

           

Those two were conspicuous. No matter what they were doing, I could know without even having to ask anyone.

But although I knew things would be like this, when I heard people say those two naturally looked good together, I couldn’t help but be in low spirits.  

           

Several seconds, several minutes, several hours. Increasing over time, an uneasiness similar to sorrow blocked my respiration.

It’s painful. Incredibly and irremediably painful.  

           

Even though I went to the same school, even though I was his fiancée, I had never been invited to have lunch together. These lunches, which had a different meaning from those compulsory luncheons we took turns to attend to at each other’s estate, Silvia enjoyed them like it was something granted and natural.

There was no way I wouldn’t feel anything about that. I was hurt, angry and sad.

If it had been the me of the past… if it had been before that tea party, I probably would have drowned Silvia in jeers. Even though the one to blame wasn’t her.

While I knew that, the brunt of my attacks was still directed at my little sister. The reason why it was like that, was because women altogether were such creatures.

But I knew very well how foolish such behavior was and presently, I couldn’t act that way even by mistake.

Moreover, if I were to raise my fist, I already knew what kind of reaction Soleil would show.

He would be disgusted, then, with a glare mixed with disappointment and scorn, he would ask with a sigh, “Why do you not care about your little sister?”       

           

There was no doubt that he had asked me such a question in one of my previous lives.

Soleil expected me to behave like a kind older sister.

 

“… It’s alright, everything is fine.”

 

No... that... I decided to lie like that.

 

“… … Lady Ilya…?”

 

Just when the fingers of my tightened hands were digging into my palms, the voice that called out to me dispersed my thoughts.

Golden hair appeared at the corner of my field of vision. Even without confirming her face, I knew it was Marianne. No one else had such a magnificent color.

 

“… You haven’t gone home yet?”

 

That whispering voice sounded liked it was speaking to oneself.

Suddenly, her line of sight dropped to my hands.

 

“So even someone like you, Lady Ilya, is reading that book?”

 

As if amazed by what she saw, Marianne gently narrowed her eyes and pulled a chair beside me to sit down. “I have a rendez-vous with him,” she read the title and showed a sweet smile that looked very joyful. 

 

“… Unexpected, isn’t it?”

 

That book that I’ve read many times since long ago, didn’t belong to the library but to me.

Although the cover was plain, only stating the author’s name and the title, the year it was published, it became a hot topic of conversation among the nobles’ daughters.

Because it was such a well-known work, everyone knew at least its title. 

 

“I only know the title and a little bit about the plot but… it is a story about the princess of the neighboring country and a knight falling in love, right?”

“Yes, that is the story.”

“Isn’t it a classic among love stories? However, it feels more like a fantasy, a pipe dream… I cannot say it looks realistic…”

 

Marianne stopped her sentence here, tilted her head, and added with a laugh, “Ah, but if you like it, I apologize for my critics.”

Although her words were disapproving of the novel, I knew there wasn’t any malice in them, so I shook my head at her excuse. Seeing this, she laughed once again. 

 

“Lady Ilya, I thought you were a realist.”

“… A realist?”

“Someone who doesn’t have naïve dreams.”

 

The light of the setting sun flowing through the big windows shone on her glittering hair, dazzling my eyes. It was utterly impossible for my ashen hair to shine like this.

 

“… I do not know the conclusion of this novel, but the main character surely meets a happy ending?”

“Yes, that is the case.”

 

When I nodded my head to confirm, Marianne made a troubled expression with her slender fingers supporting her chin.

 

“What is bothering you?”

“The princess falls in love with a knight from the neighboring country and finds happiness. Doesn’t it mean that she becomes tied with the person she loved? But… you know… I really wonder if a princess marring a mere knight is a happy ending…”

 

That daughter of a middle-ranked noble house, who I found much more realist than me, heaved a sigh while she gave a smile mixed with a tinge of disgust.

If we were to speak of court rank, her house was much closer to the high aristocracy than mine. She was tied down to her house, had to marry for political reasons and couldn’t run away, everything was the same as me.

But the critical difference between us was the fact she was loved by her fiancé.

For me, it was clearly this that seemed like a dream story.      

 

“Also, the princess probably had… No, it’s possible that… the knight too... they both may have had fiancés, right?”

 

I wonder if such a character appears in that novel, said Marianne as her beautiful face showed a trace of grief.

The main plot of this novel was how the princess was exiled from her home country due to a civil war and how the knight that was ordered to guard her by royal degree falls in love with her. Various obstacles stand between them, but in the end, everything settles down and all is resolved in peace.

There weren’t any misfortunate characters and the progression of the plot only gave some kind of vague concept of what coercion meant, but it seized the hearts of the nobles’ daughters.

That’s why naturally, a character that should obviously have existed, like the princess’s fiancé, never shows up in the story.

Even Saion had said it. No matter if love marriages were becoming the norm among common people, this won’t happen for nobles.

All the more for royalty. If compared to the reality, it could be said to be very unnatural for neither the princess nor the knight to not have had fiancés. But in the end, it was just a novel.     

 

“… Oh, it is already this late? I have to go now.”

 

I unintentionally gazed at the elegant movements of Marianne as she smoothly got up without a sound. She, who had always been an existence opposite to mine in my previous lives, had become my friend now.

When I observed her again after becoming more intimate, I understood how inferior I was to her. In front of her who, from her fingertips to the tips of her hair, boasted the beauty of someone who was born in a noble family, from the depths of my heart, I felt embarrassed to have called her a rival.

 

“You know, Lady Ilya …”

 

About to pass beside me, Marianne suddenly stopped in her tracks.

 

“Even though I look like this, when I was a child, I was a tomboy.”

 

She laughed in a dignified way and imagining this young lady as a tomboy was utterly impossible.

When I looked up at her face with perplexity, she added as she gazed at my expression,   

 

“When my fiancé was decided without me knowing about it, I threw a temper. I said that marrying someone whose face I didn’t even know was impossible.”

 

When I met him, I didn’t think I would love him, she continued with an unusual ridiculing smile.

 

“I also said quite a few very harsh things to him. I used the fact that his house standing was lower than mine as a shield.”

 

However, said Marianne before shutting her mouth. Before long she heaved a deep sigh, a really unbelievable unladylike action for Marianne.  

 

“I asked my mother about you, Lady Ilya.”

“About me?”

“Yes. You might not know, but my mother attended the tea parties organized by your mother several times.”

“… The tea parties…?”

“That is right. At that time, I happened to notice you.”

 

Nodding deeply, her gaze started to wander into the distance and she pursued, “Becoming the fiancée of the son of a marquis is… a great burden… I also understood that very well. Because I’m a noble too.”

After saying so, she bent over me and grasped my hands. Softly, gently, she wrapped them up with her own hands.

When my hands moved in a flutter trying to refuse her gesture, she still refused to let go.

 

“My mother told me. That I mustn’t be complacent and rest on my laurels just because I had a fiancé. That in order to stand beside him, I must pill up a lot of efforts.”

 

So, I stopped averting my eyes from my fiancé. She said that as her strong gaze shot through me. And after that, I earnestly became his fiancée, she concluded with a small smile.

 

“… Lady Marianne.”

 

Unable to stay silent, I called out to her, but after that, words wouldn’t follow. I didn’t know what to say.

When I wasn’t aware of it, someone was looking at me. That fact simply made me lose my words.

 

“… How much effort you have been exerting, in truth, I have no idea. However, this situation where your existence is being neglected and ignored, I cannot tolerate it.”

 

When I dropped my sight on those white fingers that were grasping me strongly, suddenly, I lost my strength.

 

“… If there is anything I can do, please, do not refrain from asking me.”

 

Receiving that supplicating gaze, for a second, I almost stretched out my hand.

But even if I relied on her, I knew I couldn’t change this huge flow of ineluctable events.

If it had been the first time then… No, if it had been the second or third time… then there was no doubt I would have taken her hand and done my utmost to make Soleil face me.

Actually, I might also have taken actions to keep Silvia away.

           

But at the moment I decided to make Silvia attend the academy, I was expecting a future like this. A future where Soleil prioritizes Silvia over me, a future where Silvia gains a much healthier body than before. And also, a future that leads to a daily life at the academy where they get close together.

Everything was as I anticipated. When I took into account all my previous lives, it wasn’t difficult to make some predictions.

           

And despite everything, I still made that child go to the academy. It might be because I was still retaining some hope and I was betting on the one in a million chance that Soleil would prioritize me.

In spite of all those negative experiences, I was still hoping to hear him say one day that he would attach more importance to me than to that child.

I let Silvia attend the academy and put a distance between Soleil and me, yet, I was still waiting for his hand. Truly, what a foolish person I was. 

 

“… No, Lady Marianne. I am alright.”

 

It’s alright. It’s fine. A youthful voice echoed in my ears, telling me this.

I have to continue believing that everything was alright. Otherwise, like one of my pasts me, I will hang a rope around my own neck.

           

However, I have already noticed. That even something like a place to escape to, I lost it long, long ago.

           

The voice that kept repeating “I am alright” was faintly trembling.

Anyone hearing it would understand that those words couldn’t be trusted. But Marianne only shook her head a little and did not say anything.

Yet, her clear eyes became slightly blurred and she repeated the same words she had told me at the time Silvia had just enrolled in the academy, “Lady Ilya, you are truly very kind.”

So, this time, I didn’t deny it clearly. In order not to make Silvia look like a bad person by mistake.

           

Silvia didn’t do anything wrong. That child just fell in love with Soleil, she wasn’t acting with the intention of robbing him from me.

I had already decided to neither hate nor resent her.

I may be jealous, I may be envious, but I won’t deceive and harm her.

           

That child was my lovely, little sister. I tried to say that.

           

But... the words wouldn’t come out of my lips, only a long sigh leaked out.

My heart was about to be torn to pieces.

My breath was about to stop, it was unbearable.

 

“Lady Ilya, a person cannot always maintain self-restraint. However, if it’s for the sake of someone who is important, I think that humans are creatures that can endure forever, for as much and as long as it’s necessary.”

 

Reality was about to engulf me at any time. That’s why, to hide from that reality, I concealed my breath and tightly closed my eyes.

The time to wonder if I could do it well in this life had already passed.

I already had nothing left anymore.

           

… … Lady Ilya, for whom are you doing all this?

           

Marianne’s voice faintly blurred out and disappeared. 

 

 

 Chapter 20                                                         Chapter 22

Nocta’s thoughts:

This story is slow-paced but there isn’t a single chapter where you don’t learn something new about Ilya, or the characters around her. Also, the author is good at foreshadowing small details to use them latter. But I won’t spoil! Mwawawa