8 – The End of The End – 2
After a strange silence that felt
both like an instant and an eternity...
“.... uh...”
A breathing sound echoed in my ears.
It was exactly like the moment you
wake up from a deep sleep. My consciousness emerged slowly, as if it was being dragged
out of a pitch-black swamp. Cold air passed through my noise, and my lungs
expanded greatly then slowly deflated.
Taking this as a signal, my field of
vision turned white. Shortly after I felt dazzled, my vision flickered and
lights twinkled painfully like bright stars.
At the impulse to rub my eyes
instinctively, I understood I was blinking.
“.... .... Ilya.”
My blurry vision gradually cleared
up as the outlines of things became more distinct.
Eventually, in my fully-recovered vision,
a sky too bright to be called night and too dim to be called morning spread
out. Although right above me the sky was dark like charcoal, that darkness
gradually faded toward the horizon, and like in my memories, yellow and purple rays
of light mixed together.
Many tall trees stretched out their
branches as they pleased, as if they wished to break apart this magical
pale-blue-green light.
Was it because of the pale moon that
claimed to exist even in the distance that the overlapping canopies looked dazzlingly
beautiful with the white light that traced their contours?
Even though it seemed about to
disappear at any moment, the moon was struggling to deliver that faint light to
the ground.
As I thought, was I still inside a
dream now?
I was thinking so because, in this
scenery with a dawn so beautiful that it made you lose your voice... he was
here. His black hair was swaying lightly, his face was spotless as if it was
made from white porcelain, his obsidian eyes shone dimly.
There wasn’t a single difference. It
was an excessively nostalgic sight. Then, an intense feeling of déjà-vu rose
from my chest, and my heart beat so loudly that it plugged my ears.
When I took a deep breath to escape
the metallic buzzing resonating in my ears, I recalled the scene from that time
I died lying in the mud.
Yes, it was exactly as right now. I
was exactly in the same situation as at that time.
I was lying down, helplessly looking
up at him, and he was kneeling, gazing down at my face.
And everything was similar enough to
make me misunderstand and think that I was repeating that certain unbearable
day. The only difference might be that it wasn’t raining.
Staring at me with a dumbfounded
expression, his shivering lips let out two words.
“My... princess.”
I couldn’t deny that “princess” was
a nickname I wasn’t used to, but hearing it made me breathless.
Drops of water gently fell from his
eyes, tracing his clear profile. Maybe it captured some light from who knew
where, but with a momentary flash of light, a tear shook as it fell down, and
it burst open in midair before vanishing. I almost missed it.
“Why?”
“Why are you crying?”
I tried to finish my sentence and
call his name, but I failed tragically. I was trembling a lot.
Instead of the name that I couldn’t
pronounce, it’s my worn-out sigh that leaked out from my lips. I waited for the
answer from this person, who was only a breathtaking distance away from me, but
in the first place, he didn’t seem to have realized that he was crying.
Staying silent, he fearfully touched
my cheek. As usual, his fingers were cold and comfortable.
One time in the distant past, I
clanged to these fingers.
“.... Crow?”
This time, I readied myself to call
him, but my voice came out weaker than I expected.
Thinking he didn’t hear me, I opened
my mouth once more but I then noticed that his pair of black, shaking eyes were
staring at me earnestly. I realized that my voice had properly reached him. He
had no words. However, the Crow, who spoke in a voiceless voice to the point where
he seemed rather eloquent, was here.
This also seemed like a reproduction
of that rainy day. A Crow on the brink of crying out in a loud voice. Seeing
his crumpled and distorted expression as he was enduring and holding back his
tears, a pain pierced my chest.
However, from another point of view,
he also looked like someone who couldn’t react to great joy. I felt my throat
tighten at this Crow’s appearance.
A suffocating, agonizing pain, as if
my heart vibrated. It was a very familiar bitter emotion. I’ve experienced it
so many times that I’ve gotten tired of it. It wasn’t an exaggeration to say I
already knew it thoroughly. Because for me, living had precisely the same
meaning as suffering.
Experiencing this sensation once
again, I suddenly understood.
I am alive.
With this sudden realization, my
paralyzed fingers, which refused to move, suddenly twitched. My middle finger,
which was touching the ground, felt the rough feeling of the sand. It was as if
my five senses had been revived.
When I unexpectedly felt an
uncomfortable feeling in my chest and checked it, I realized that my dress was
damp despite the absence of rain. It’s difficult to notice because the fabric
was originally dark, but darkish stains have spread, and several places were
red.
... ... That’s right.
I was sure that... I should have
died.
The dagger thrown by Saion had cut
my flesh, and I helplessly fell to the ground. The wailing of Sylvia, and the
face of Soleil who tried to help me. I vividly remembered that moment when I
foresaw the end of my life. At my impending death, my view darkened and my
heart stopped.
I couldn’t forget this. I had
repeatedly died that way, times and times again, and it was my umpteenth
death.
It should be over. It should be, so
why?
“...What... happened to me...?
Earlier, I... I’m sure I died, so why...?”
My confusion straightforwardly came
out in my words.
When I moved, the palms supporting
my shoulders caressed me slowly as if to comfort me. I didn’t know when it
happened, but Crow was supporting my body as I was sitting halfway up. He was
holding me in his arms, as if he was cherishing me, as if he was protecting me.
“Finally.”
“I... finally... found you. My
princess.”
Did he hear my voice, or not? He spoke
carefully, breaking off his words with his trembling lips. His voice was filled
with affection, or possibly, pain.
I shivered when hearing that voice
that seemed to be filled with warmth, and I remembered trivial things, like the
fact that his voice used to sound colder.
That day I was called “a captive
princess” in that luxurious locked room that was also a prison.
Holding a baby who didn’t exist in
my arms and walking around the room aimlessly, I was trapped between a
sorrowful dream and reality.
Who would think that as I was
humming a lullaby in a relaxed manner, my unstable mind was gradually
degrading? My appearance, which was embracing the despair named “my child,”
must have surely looked laughable.
Seeing me, who was inside that
madness yet hadn’t completely lost her mind, Crow had laughed and sneered
happily. Maybe calling me a princess was sarcastic, or a mere frivolous remark.
Or maybe it didn’t have a deep meaning. For the him at that time, my existence
must surely have been “that kind of thing.” A worthless existence.
And yet.
“Earlier, I felt that I heard your
voice. As I thought, that was the case. You said, “my princess...” But why?
I’ve never once done something princess-like. I’m always...”
...A supporting role in the story.
That’s why, no matter how many times
I repeated my life, I never managed to change the ending. The plot for the
leading actors wouldn’t be rewritten for the sake of a secondary character, it
could never happen. Because a story ultimately pushes on and moves toward the outcome
meant for “the protagonists.”
That has been the case since the
beginning. I knew it and yet, I couldn’t help but always dream. If I were a
princess like Sylvia... If I became an existence similar to that child... Then
maybe a happy future would finally come for me.
But in the end, I am myself. No
matter how many times I repeated my life, I continued to be myself, I never
became someone else.
When I disorderly told him that,
struggling to catch my breath between my words, Crow made a self-depreciating
laugh.
It’s the same for me as well, he said.
“The protagonist of my life wasn’t
me. I’ve lived my own life but... But still, I never was the protagonist of my
own life.” Understanding him yet not, I was tilting my head, trying to infer
the true meaning of his words, when he added unexpectedly,
“The protagonist of my life has
always been... ...you.”
I wasn’t the main character, so I
couldn’t save you,
he said. With a fleeting smile like a drop of ink that was diluted in a glass
of water, his true feelings were distinctly visible in the depths of his eyes.
Profound despair.
“Always, always, I couldn’t save
you.”
At the end of his sentence, his
voice broke down and I had to strain my ears to hear him.
The word “painful” alone isn’t
enough to describe it. The word “sorrow” alone couldn’t express it. Why did
unrequited feelings hurt so much?
I also know this well. All that
remains in my memory is the suffering. But still...
“You’re wrong. This is definitively
wrong. Because, every time you appeared in front of me, I was always saved.
Always, many times.”
I just didn’t know it all this time.
That in order to save me, there was a person who was putting their life on the
line. Unlike me, who eventually gave up on life at the very end, this person
didn’t. Not even once. Thanks to this, I was here. In spite of having died, I
was called back home. This time, time has not turned back, nor has my life
restarted.
The continuation has started.
According to Crow, it’s a miracle.
Now that he mentioned this, it
indeed seemed so. Because death, the thing that was unavoidable for human
beings, has been overturned. If you didn’t call this a miracle, how should you
name it?
However, what caused this miracle
wasn’t God. It’s our strong feelings that have pulled over the best destiny
possible.
The reason I had lived while
writhing in agony in that locked world, was surely for the sake of this
instant.
The real end is here.
I have lived for this one moment.
“Ilya.”
At the end of my line of sight,
there was this pair of black eyes that were staring at me, as expected. It felt
like my heart and my whole body were wrapped up by his soft gaze dripping with
tenderness. I could indulge without reservation in its warmth. It was allowed.
No one would blame me anymore. No one would find fault with me and say that I’m
unseemly, no one will curse at me and tell me that I’m disgraceful.
Because the me now, was not Soleil’s
fiancée, nor was she Sylvia’s older sister or the count’s daughter. There was
no reason for me to be a lady anymore, nor was there any meaning in upholding a
useless pride. Only the living human named “Ilya” was here.
I have nothing. But it’s warm.
Then, I noticed that it had always
been cold enough for me to tremble. Because I knew warmth, I could feel the
cold. Because I had been a noble’s daughter, since my birth I had lived in a
blessed environment and I was provided with everything I needed. But what I
actually wanted was this. What I wished for was “here.”
I have lost everything, but I guess,
I’ve accomplished it. That’s why.
“I... will live... with you.”
When I reached out my hands, I could
touch Crow’s back, as he was holding me in his arms and staring at me.
It’s neither an illusion nor a
dream. We are living in a real world.
“You and I... let’s become happy.
....I will make you happy, and you will make me happy.”
Drops of water fell from Crow’s eyes
and landed on my face. Like raindrops, they fell one after the other. Almost
like that rainy day.
“... Because, Crow... You... love
me, right?”
His eyes opened wide as if he was
looking at something unbelievable.
Even this reaction gave me an
impression of déjà vu. However, the decisive difference was the fact that it
wasn’t a tragedy. It wasn’t like that rainy day, when he was desperately
holding onto my vanishing life, nor was he lamenting over our repeated
separations.
I was experiencing hope with these
very fingers.
For a moment, I slipped out of
Crow’s arms and I adjusted my posture, gazing up at him as I kneeled down. This
person with an innocent face like that of a child didn’t change the slightest.
When I wrapped up his cold cheeks
with the palm of my hands, his spilling tears wet my skin. They felt warm, and
somehow, mysterious. Crow seemed to exist in both a world of illusion and in
reality, even though we were in the real world. But he was here.
When I hugged him tightly, I could
feel his presence even more strongly. In a daze, he timidly put his arms around
my back and called my name to ascertain the truth.
“You’re wrong, Ilya.”
“Eh?”
“That I love you.... It’s probably
different.”
“..”
My body, which was stuck to his so closely
that there was no space between us, was embraced strongly once more.
“Love is too lacking an expression
to describe what I feel. I can’t bear to express it aloud. No one can
understand the depth of the emotions I hold for you. They can’t even imagine
it.”
Crow added that in the world, he was
the only one who knew this feeling. It was a lot deeper than love, a lot
stronger than love and also a lot more painful. He wondered if humans could
understand this emotion. He said that these sentiments he had developed over
such an excessive span of time couldn’t be expressed in one word.
“In this world, only I know. ...I am
the only one, who harbors these emotions for you. But I don’t know what to say.
I feel that I have run out of words to convey my feelings. What should I say,
how can I convey it...?”
His shoulders shook as he sobbed
intermittently, seemingly in pain. And then, a large flow of tears spilled out
and fell.
“There is no expression other than
‘I love you.’ I can’t find it. Isn’t there... something... anything...?”
Something different from any
confession, any words of love, something that could be touching. Something that
wasn’t love. To speak plainly, how great would it be if these emotions could be
rationalized just by naming them “love.”
Because, if this was truly the thing
people called love.
If this was the “love” that anyone
knew.
If it was love, then feeling this
overly strong obsession couldn’t be helped and I could come to terms with it.
Or maybe someone could tell me how
to deal with these emotions that are strong enough to lead me to ruin.
But I’m the only one who feels such
emotions. I know that no one else can understand them. And because nothing can
be done, there is no other choice but to call them “love.”
In this world where no one knows
these emotions yet, I also know them.
And surely, everyone knows these
feelings.
*******************
Crow’s robe, which I was wearing to
hide my blood-stained dress, had a nostalgic scent. It was a smell that
encroached upon the deepest part of my memory. Even if I were to forget
everything else, this scent would remain in my memories.
That’s probably why... The casual
memories of the days I spent together with him resurfaced as I recalled them.
“Lean more on me. The wound has
disappeared, but it’s not like the blood you’ve lost has returned. ... ...
Aren’t you feeling unwell?”
The horse-drawn carriage that I
picked to evacuate to a safer place for now was not comfortable.
When the wheels rolled on the
ground, the carriage shook greatly and our bodies were tossed around. When my
face distorted in pain, Crow held my shoulders.
The simple carriage didn’t have any
sort of ornament at all, and unlike the ones normal nobles rode, the part in which
people rode wasn’t a closed space. It only had a roof to fend off the rain. The
seats were exposed. Normally the wind that blows through would feel pleasant,
however right now when my body couldn’t be said to be in perfect condition, my
skin was assailed by goosebumps.
Still, a part of me felt somewhat
relieved, because I was able to escape from the place where I had died once,
though in any case I had come back to life.
Once in a distant past, Sylvia’s
corpse must have lay there. It was also the starting point of a life that had
been repeated many times.
I didn’t want to stay there forever.
On these seats that could be filled
with just two people, I warmed myself by huddling together with Crow. However,
it might be pointless to try to warm up against a person who didn’t have any
body warmth in the first place. It was kind of comical.
“... Ilya? Are you alright?”
Even without looking at his face and
just by hearing his voice, I could tell that he was worried for me.
While answering “I am fine,” I
looked up at the gradually brightening sky, and I gazed at the townscape where people
had yet to get up. The excessive tranquility made me wonder if everything that
happened until now was a dream.
In the first place, until yesterday,
I had never even imagined that Soleil and Saion would fight each other to the
death. Actually, after I came back to life, I stood up and looked around at our
surroundings, but there was “nothing.” Neither Saion, who I was sure had
collapsed on the ground, nor his comrade were there. I didn’t know who, but
someone had cleaned up the scene.
I, who was thought to be dead, was
left as I was, so in short, I deduced that the person who dealt with the scene
afterwards was “a person from the other side.” I was left behind because they
didn’t need to retrieve me.
How far had they planned this? How
much was Saion involved in this? I didn’t even know that.
But anyway. There was still
something that I had to do.
When I raised my face with renewed
determination, Crow said, “Your hair. It’s such a shame. They’re so beautiful
but they got dirty.”
His voice was so low that it was
almost drowned out by the sound of the rolling wheels of the carriage moving at
a fast pace. Still, these words strangely reached my ears distinctly.
“No matter the color of your hair,
the color of your eyes, no matter how you look... no matter which version of you
you are, I think you’re beautiful.”
I remembered the jarring voice I
heard a long time ago, and my chest hurt.
Are the him from that time and the
Crow who is here now the same person?
... No. I’m sure they are. After
all, they have the same “eyes.”
“Crow.”
“Hmm?”
He had a look that expressed a sense
of tranquility on his cold face. His expression was oozing with so much
gentleness that it’s bewildering. Surely, no matter what I do or what I say,
he’ll approve of me. I’ll end up being forgiven.
“... ... From now on, I will die.”
He gasped and vigorously tore off my
body. He grasped my shoulder so strongly that my face was distorted in pain.
Yet he didn’t release me. Perhaps he was trying to probe into the real meaning
of my words, as he made a very serious expression and gazed at me suspiciously.
However before long, he let out a
small sigh and reined in his emotion as he gently asked, “... You don’t mean
you’ll die for real, right?” His words were exactly on point.
Even if we didn’t say much, we could
both vaguely understand what the other meant. That didn’t mean I should be
frugal with my words, but when I thought back on my life where I kept being
misunderstood by people... this existence that tried to understand me as much
as possible was even more precious.
Amidst my repeated life and his
overly long life, the time we’ve spent together was but a mere moment.
Nevertheless, it wasn’t nonexistent,
it had a meaning. This short time we shared together, led us “here.”
“But it is going to take too long to
find a collaborator starting from now on.”
In my head, the faces of all the
people I knew flashed by before disappearing. I didn’t think I should involve
them, but the circumstances didn’t allow me not to. However, I still felt
guilty about exposing someone to danger in order to survive. ... ... It’s so
late for this. Then...
“In that case, I’ve got an idea,” said
Crow.
I reflexively asked back, “You
have...?” because I couldn’t imagine him having a connection with anyone other
than me.
“Even I didn’t live so long while
doing nothing. Especially after I lost you ‘once.’” He said it in a
self-depreciated yet somewhat proud tone. Then after a short while, he told me,
“Look, Ilya...”
“... Dawn is breaking.”
(That day. I hugged you, and
gazed at the sky alone...)
