8 – The End of the End – 1
I felt I heard Crow’s voice. However, I
fell into a pitch-dark space.
While I felt relieved that this time it
was truly “the end,” my consciousness didn’t fade away. It was clearly not the
same sensation of “death” that I had experienced many times before.
Thinking it was strange, I surrendered
myself to this “unknown will” that couldn’t be resisted. Then, it finally
started.
It was as if I was indirectly
experiencing “his” life.
The beginning started that day. The day
I killed myself.
I only remember until I jumped from the
chair after having wreathed a rope around my neck.
The world, which was dyed white for a
moment, turned dark then ended. That’s to be expected since I died. However,
even though I had disappeared, the world itself didn’t vanish. The lives of
other people continued to go on and time did not stop.
This was a matter of course. But until
now, I never thought deeply about what happened after I died. After all, as far
as I could imagine, Soleil and Silvia’s fate could only be dreamlike. I thought
they would live happily together, and actually, it must have been like this.
That was surely why. Why apart from
them, I didn’t even imagine what happened to others.
For example, who was the person who
found my body that had already stopped breathing......?
If anyone was to find it, it was natural
to think that it would be a servant. Because apart from them, who would come to
my room?
However, my expectations were completely
overturned. In other words, the person who found my body was someone I had
never expected to.
It was Crow.
Strictly speaking, Silvia also happened
to be present. However, she only screamed and didn’t look at my face clearly to
confirm it was me. But based on the fact that it was her older sister’s room
and that we had a quarrel the previous night, she concluded that the dead
person was me.
My little sister strongly shut her eyes
and screamed with all her voice. Was it because she knew she was the cause of
all this that she couldn’t look straight at me?
The servants, who had gathered wondering
what happened, were distracted by Silvia’s disturbed appearance and didn’t even
seem to see me.
Even when I’m dead... no one looks at
me. Even though it’s an incident that happened a long,
long time ago, I can’t erase this sense of emptiness and futility no matter
what I do.
In the end, the only one to act and
rescue me in this bustling room was Crow.
But then, I had already stopped
breathing, and he himself should have noticed it. Still, this person reached
out to me who was hanging by the neck. I did hear him call my name, “Ilya,”
though the sound was so fleeting it almost vanished. Even though his voice
sounded strained, as if it took all his strength to spit out my name, it was
burning with suffocation. Even though he knew his help was already too late,
his voice oozed impatience.
He looked very heartbroken. But for him
to call me like this, it felt very strange.
Before I noticed, the room had become
deadly quiet, and only Crow and I remained inside.
To put it simply, all the servants
seemed to have judged that a person who killed herself no longer ought to be
respected. While I had died, I still should have been their master. Despite
this, they left me alone because they prioritized protecting the child inside
Silvia’s womb.
If Crow hadn’t been here... I can’t help
but think I would have remained hanging there for a long time.
Eventually, my body was lowered into
Crow’s arms.
The blood had even receded from the
palms of my hands, and dark red blood vessels floated on my cheeks. No matter
how you looked at me, it was clear that I wasn’t alive. My eyes, which had lost
the spark of life, were gazing at space. My appearance looked utterly queer.
It was strange to look from outside at
my dead body, which lay down languidly, devoid of life, similar to a doll. In
the first place, it was odd that Crow was holding me. This Crow kept staring at
me who lay in his arms, blinking time and time again. Tears were spreading from
his long black eyelashes and his mouth was shaking helplessly. His expression
was greatly distorted, looking like that of a young child about to throw a
temper, swaying with many expressions such as anger and bewilderment, despair
and pain.
Even someone as dense as me realized that
he was really grieving. He was very obviously mourning me.
But for him to do so... why? After all,
just before I severed my life, Crow had said it himself.
What kind of sins did one need to commit
to be sent to this kind of hell? If this is hell, then what kind of sin did you
commit?
These words were carved into my memory.
Needless to say, Crow’s indifferent and cold words had overwhelmed me. Having
lost my destination due to this distress that seemed to continue to last
forever, I could only accept these words, unable to refute them. I may have
already lost my sanity at that time.
However, even as I wreathed the rope
around my neck, I was still trying to remain calm and composed, and until the
very moment I jumped from the chair, I didn’t think I did anything wrong.
As Crow had said, if I was punished for
some offense I had committed, then I couldn’t be saved from it. And then,
because I could only choose to lead such a life of penitence, I felt there was
no value in living anymore.
However... was that truly so? Whatever
my sins might be, were they so heavy that I had to die in such a way? Moreover,
in the end, what awaited me beyond that, was it only hell and nothing
else?
“.... Ilya.”
.... How long did he stay in this room?
Crow muttered my name. He seemed to have called out to my corpse. Naturally,
there was no answer. The stillness deepened further. No matter how much time
passed, no one seemed to be coming over.
At long last, Crow wrapped my body in
the bedsheets and carried me carefully. Then, he left the room. At that moment,
I noticed the white flowers scattered under his feet. Large and small, there were
a great variety of flowers. Among them, there was also the wildflower I
liked.
Come to think of it, when he came to my
room, he was holding a bouquet in his arms. As it could not have been arranged
by the servants, and Soleil was even less likely, it must have been brought by
Crow.
Entering not from the window but from
the main entrance, he must have visited the mansion as a guest. Did he think
that bringing a present was necessary?
If that was so, then despite such a
situation, I felt a ticklish and pleasant feeling.
Or, if I wanted to find a deeper meaning
to his action, then, these flowers might mean that he had wanted to apologize.
Because last night, we didn’t part in a peaceful fashion, then maybe today he
was thinking of mending our relationship.
But he couldn’t make it in time, and I
couldn’t receive his huge bouquet of flowers.
Would something have been different if I
had received them?
“Let’s go, Ilya. You’re free now...”
Crow left the mansion like this, without
anyone questioning him. His steps never stopped. He kept looking and moving
forward.
Where was he going when there shouldn’t
even be a place to go? Crow put aside, for me who was only a corpse, I no
longer had a place I belonged to. Well, if there was one, that would be a
coffin. He should have understood it, yet, he continued walking while carrying
me on his back.
Then, we went through the city and into
the mountains. It was a long, long walk.
Around the time little stars started to
shine, gliding in the darkness, he put me down with slow and careful movements.
He had carelessly managed to walk for so
long while carrying a person on his back by himself.
“Ilya, look. It’ll be dawn soon.”
Speaking so tenderly to a silent and white-faced woman seemed almost comical
and much too insane.
Is that why? Why this scene looked so
sorrowful.
In the meantime, tears had started to
flow down Crow’s cheeks.
In the end, he shouted like a young
child, uttering something incoherent and incomprehensible. He seemed to regret
that he couldn’t save me.
In the middle of his shattered screams,
I heard him say, “I want to live with you.” “Why did you have to...” It also
made me want to cry and scream.
Crow. Crow. You did nothing wrong.
Absolutely nothing wrong. Because it’s something I decided to do
myself. At any rate, you could not have helped me. You have to know that it was
my decision, I didn’t do it because I was debasing myself. So please, I beg
you, don’t cry.
I wanted to call out to him with these
words, but they didn’t reach him.
Eventually, his voice became hoarse.
Nevertheless, he continued to cry silently. He might not have even noticed that
he was still shedding tears. It looked like he was holding onto my cold body,
trying to give it some warmth... but was suffering because he couldn’t.
He looked so sorrowful. So lonely. But
that wasn’t me. I had already ended.
Crow. Why are you so sad? Why are you
shedding tears for someone like me? Crow, Crow. Please, stop.
Stop.
Because I’m already dead.
*********************
To be honest, I thought he would give up
soon.
I thought he would be like anyone else,
for example, after losing a loved one, he would eventually recover and move on
to a new life. Even if Crow wasn’t human.
However, it wasn’t the case. After this,
he continued to look for me for a long, very long time. His overly long, or
should I say, never-ending life, couldn’t be resumed with a few words.
To begin with, he seemed to have lived
on his own for an endless amount of time that an ordinary person couldn’t
imagine. Almost like me. But I understood that our lives were fundamentally
different.
I had been repeating the same time
endlessly, always going back to the same moment.
He had been alive for a very, very long time.
The last time we had exchanged words, he
had said this: “Can it be that you, you think that you’re the only one
unhappy... ...?
At that time, I just felt that he was
blaming me unreasonably, and in fact, I did think I was the only person who had
to bear such misfortune.
However... the true meaning of these
words, was exactly as he had said. My hell was only for me, but he was always
living in his own hell. That’s how it was.
I just kept watching his unfortunate
life. As if looking at a dream, I became a bystander who watched Crow’s life as
he continued to search for me.
Crossing through time, crossing through
places. Crossing over words, he pursued only one person, me.
I would say that I was like an author
who wrote on paper a story I created. It felt like I came to know his life
after he had lost “Ilya” through reading it in a text. His life may have been a
fight against loneliness.
You could say that someone who continued
to look for a dead person was insane. However, in a sense, it was a natural and
sane reaction. Because people couldn’t endure being lonely.
Eventually... beyond the innumerable
world lines that overlapped and intertwined in a complex way... ...
... ... We arrived at a certain rainy
day.
I tumbled in a back alley, like a
corpse. Raindrops fell on my stretched-out hand. That cold sensation probably
brought me comfort because my body was feverish. My field of vision was
obstructed by the dark cloudy sky and the violent rain. This memorable sight
made me feel nostalgic.
That’s right. I once saw this exact same
sight. That was when I drowned in the bathtub.
At that time, my memory was so unclear
that I couldn’t remember what happened. However, now I knew. At that time, Crow
had finally found me. He had found the “Ilya” he had been searching for all
this time. That’s why he had said that in my ears:
“I finally found you.”
Hearing his plaintive voice oozing with
a growing sadness rather than joy, my heart trembled.
At that time, because it was dark, I
couldn’t discern Crow’s expression, and above all, my consciousness was hazy,
so I could never remember his face. Until now that is.
“Finally,” he muttered again, biting on
his lips.
This person gazed at me like this, with
such an expression, and spoke with such a voice.
Then Crow lifted me in his arms, me who
had been thrown out on the roadside, wrapping me up in arms as if I was
precious. He hugged me carefully, as if I was an infant who had just been born.
As if he was gently picking up a treasure.
Seeing his gentle gesture, I was
dominated by quite a hard-to-describe emotion.
At that instant, I felt “my body” call
me. My consciousness, which had melted into the atmosphere, became a soul and
was drawn into my body, which was lying on the ground. I felt like I got into
my flesh with a smooth, unhindered motion.
When I looked up, I immediately saw
Crow’s face who looked like he was on the verge of crying. When I blinked, my
eyelids collided against each other. His black eyes staring at me shook, at a
loss.
Feeling the shadow of death that I
hadn’t experienced for a long time, I desperately tried to retain my life that
was about to disappear. Because I had something I wanted to tell him.
“...You... were looking for me...?”
Hearing me, Crow’s eyes widened a bit
and he just nodded deeply.
In truth, I didn’t need to ask, I
already knew he had been looking for me. I didn’t know what name to put on this
obsession, this tenacity, this overly deep emotion.
I had also searched for Crow in the
past, was utterly unable to find him, and ended up giving up. When I searched,
searched and continued to search for him, and ended up realizing he was
nowhere, I couldn’t stand the loneliness that suddenly assaulted me. Above all,
I might have feared letting my heart go out to someone other than Soleil.
“But, you did it right... You found me.”
Unlike me, Crow never gave up. It wasn’t
because he was strong. I understood that much already. He was lonely, sad, in
pain, helplessly so. He couldn’t bear it and couldn’t help but wish for help.
Maybe human beings were created to be like this in the first place.
The black eyes of Crow staring at me
were reflecting the raindrops that captured the moonlight. Tears shone at the
corners of his eyes, ready to fall at any moment. They were ephemeral and
beautiful.
“Hey, Crow... Did you know? There was a
meaning. There was... a reason... why I wasn’t loved.”
I wondered why, when I was young, my
parents wouldn’t hug me. I thought it was strange that only my little sister
was cherished, and I was very sad. The sole and only person I could call mine
with pride was my fiancé, but that person ignored me.
For a long time, I didn’t know the
reason, so I suffered from these. However.
A father who kept thinking of a woman
who wasn’t my mother, a mother who devoted her heart to the daughter of the
princess she respected, and Soleil who fell in love with the sister of his
fiancée.
When I tried to understand the reasons I
wasn’t loved, I came to understand the feelings of these people. ...... or so I
felt.
“But now it’s alright.”
I’m fine now. Yes, it’s enough.
Because...
“Because, you...”
“...love...”
“...me, right?”
Saying this, I tried to smile, but
failed. The irrepressible pain in my chest made my expression twist.
Crow kept looking for me despite knowing
I would not return his feelings. He was always like this. ...... One time, he
took care of me, who was dying in a brothel, feeding me medicine. He brought me
those drugs that should have been very expensive many times. Yet he never
sought any rewards. At last, he brought Alfred. But in the end, I didn’t
survive, and died in a place unrelated to warmth.
Actually, I knew I wasn’t alone.
Crow was always by my side, watching
over me. Always there, beyond the other side of the window glass.
“Ilya... Ilya...”
That’s why, it’s fine like this. If Crow
is by my side, then it’s all I need.
“... Ilya... wait...”
The fingers of Crow, who was holding me,
dug into my skin. He clung to me, as if trying to prevent my soul from slipping
out of my body. However, he knew the end was nearing.
I want to embrace you. But I can no
longer muster the strength to do so.
I felt that I was falling somewhere,
experiencing the same sensation as when I fall asleep. I knew my life was
over.
Yet, my consciousness didn’t vanish, and
once again, it merged with the surrounding air. As before, I was “watching”
Crow now.
“What should I do... to save
you...?”
His voice was so soft that it was
drowned out by the sound of the intensifying rain. It was almost similar to a
moan. But despite this, I heard his scream. Because it was so full of pain.
“What should I do... to let you live...”
In fact, he was crying, hugging my body
as his whole body was shaking.
“... Ilya, what should I do? What should
I do... to save you...? Please, tell me...”
“Please, I beg you, help me...”
“Help me... save you.”
His trembling voice was so unclear that it
was barely audible if you didn’t strain your ear, yet it was a scream.
But you are wrong, Crow. ... ... You’re
wrong.
I don’t want anyone to save me anymore.
I don’t wish to be saved. Not because I gave up. I’ve understood. I’ve
understood that it was fine like this. After watching Crow’s overly long life,
I finally understood. I
have already been saved a long time
ago.
Moreover, I could at last choose to let
go of Soleil’s hand. I could entrust Silvia to him, and wish for a future where
they could live together. While I still felt a tearing pain, I could say with
pride that this choice was the right one.
No, even supposing I was wrong, I must
still choose the same path.
Even if I were to be once again sent
back to the tea party of that day, I’d no longer want to remain by Soleil’s
side, and would pray for his and Silvia’s happiness... I don’t think these
words are a mere show of courage, I think they are the truth.
Precisely because I’ve experienced the
same time over and over again. Yes, it seems like it.
That’s why.
This time, I want to help Crow. If this
is what you wish me to do.
Then, if there is a next time, I want to
live this kind of life. Because I was given, and I never gave, I just want to
become a person who can give.
Crow, my black bird... ...
I want to live with you.
I want to try living together with
you.
