Chapter 30

If this is the real end – 13

 

Continuing to hold the little bottle with my trembling hands, I hesitated on what to do.

To restore my breathing that had become swallow, I inspired deeply with my nose.

Then I repeated this action several times.

 

“My lovely little princess.”

 

Mother had made an expression that seemed to say she couldn’t help but love Silvia so much.

I had often seen her hold my little sister in her slender arms. Silvia and I were only born a few months apart. When the mothers were different, naturally, that kind of situation could happen. What had decided our positions as sisters had only been this interval of a few months.

 I often thought about this when I was a child. I thought about what would have happened if Silvia and I had been in reversed positions.

Would have I too, just like Silvia, had my head gently stroked, would I have been embraced, would I have been told I love you so much I can’t help it?

 

“Silvia is mother’s treasure.”

 

She probably had never imagined the child she had given birth to was behind the door. Nor that it was slightly open and that her voice would leak out.

However, I, who had slipped away from my room because I couldn’t help myself from yearning for mother, caught her words clearly.

I had been slower than my sister to learn words, my way of talking had been doubtful for a very long time. I knew that I had disappointed my parents.

But it wasn’t like I didn’t understand those words.

 

… … What about me?

 

When I was in front of mother, I always thought the same thing. If Silvia was mother’s princess, if she was her treasure, then, “what” on earth was I?

 

Staying immobile in the empty corridor, I stared at the appearance of my little sister embraced by mother’s arms.

That night, because she heard Silvia had a fever again, mother had surely been nursing her.

It was past midnight. The mansion was completely silent, I also had been dreaming in my bed, but I had woken up suddenly. It wasn’t winter. Yet, it was unusually cold, the empty and pitch-dark room was fostering an incredibly sense of loneliness. The tick tock marking the passage of time echoed, sounding somewhat frightening.

I had sneaked away from my room in the middle of the night because I couldn’t bear this loneliness, because I wanted to be with someone no matter what.

When my feet stuck out from the cloth covering me, a breeze that shouldn’t have been blowing indoor made my toes feel cold. Despite this, I left my room barefoot.

No matter how deep the night was, for security reasons the mansion wasn’t completely asleep. Relying on the faint lights burning in the corridor, I proceeded forward.   

 

I was scared.

 

For the young me, walking down this corridor had been the same as making a journey in total darkness. Then, after struggling for a while, I saw an unexpectedly strong light.

I noticed it was Silvia’s room when I heard mother’s voice. Her whispering voice sounded especially kind.

I had believed this voice would surely rescue me from this irrepressible loneliness.

 

“… … Hm, my lady...?”

 

Suddenly, I voice resounded close to me, making me freeze.

On the other side of the door, which was only half-open, I could see the maid who had brought the tea wagon. She was peeking into the room with only her face passed through the gap, probably because she hadn’t gotten any answer.

 

“I was told by Sir Alfred that you had returned, but when I knocked on the door there was no reply… Since I heard you were feeling unwell, I thought that perhaps something had happened so… I am aware it was very rude of me, but I took the liberty to open the door.”

“No, it is alright. Thank you.”

 

When I said that, the maid heaved a relieved sigh. She had probably judged it was an emergency, so she decided to open the door, but depending on the situation her behavior might not have been excused. She would naturally have received a rebuke from the steward and if it had been the room of the head of the house, she might even have been dismissed.

 

“More important, I have a request.”

“Yes, what can I do for you?”

“Could you call the person in charge of cleaning? The person managing the keys would also be enough.”

“The person managing the keys?”

“Yes.”

 

Even though she made a doubtful expression, she had to obey her master’s order. Despite her confusion, she exited the room.

Even now my trembling hands were tightly grabbing the vial. I had thrust it into the pocket of my robe.

It would be great if my fear was for nothing. Yes, I’m sure it was only my imagination.

           

But, last week, my little sister certainly had a fever. And then, just a bit before that, she had collapsed due to dizziness.

At that time, her illness hadn’t been grave enough to make her lose consciousness. The doctor who examined her also judged that it wasn’t a serious matter, so it didn’t become a big uproar but…

“… Sometimes, I feel strange” I recalled the words Silvia had muttered. She seemed uneasy, but she originally had a weak constitution, so it wasn’t the first time this had happened.

Since long ago, her face would suddenly lose all colors in a few seconds even though she had looked fine just a while ago. I heard her dizziness and a sort of buzzing sounds she heard in her ears came from anemia.

They were only small inconveniences, so in theory, if she was careful with her diet, her condition would improve.

That’s why, this time too, I thought it was the same as usual. She wasn’t in a dreadful state, suffering from a high fever, assailed by a fit of cough, or afflicted with a rash. Because these kinds of symptoms, which were prior to the worsening of her illness, hadn’t appeared, I had thought there was no need to worry too much.

In fact, the doctor had concluded with a wry smile that, rather than being caused by a worsening of her illness, her dizziness must have come from the fatigue that had probably piled up because she wasn’t used to school life.

           

My little sister had laughed, saying she was relieved to hear that. She had added she was glad it wasn’t a strange disease.

Her face, which seemed to be made from delicate glass, limply collapsed, looking lovely.

That’s the only impression I had of that event.

           

I wondered what kind of expression mother was making at that time?      

 

“… … My lady, the person in charge of cleaning has arrived.”

 

Along with a reserved knocking sound, the maid from earlier appeared.

Behind her, I saw a young girl who looked obviously flustered. But the person in charge of the keys should have been someone much older.

That doubt and surprise probably appeared on my face.

 

“Currently, the manager is tied up by an urgent business and consequently couldn’t come here.”

 

As the maid explained this, she pushed the back of the younger servant.

“I-I’m, I went to look for the keys. I have been asked to deliver them personally without fail to you, my lady.”

Usually, this maid had no other contact with me than passing by each other in the corridors.

But truth to be told, even this was quite unusual. These maids displayed their real abilities precisely when their masters weren’t present.

That’s why the time they were on duty was inevitably very early in the morning and during the daytime when my parents were confined in their office. I was also having my lunch at the academy, so there were few chances of meeting them.

And then, even if we had many occasions to see each other, we still probably wouldn’t become close. That’s how things had been, ever since that time in the past when that maid I got along well with had been dismissed. 

           

However, Silvia, who had spent a long time confined in this estate to recuperate, was different from me. Because she took walks inside the mansion in order to move her body, she had met them on many instances and as such, she seemed to be getting along well with them.

This was something that had never changed until now. Sometimes, I saw Silvia and the maids laughing together. Her figure overlapped with the young me.

I remembered having happily come in contact with someone, like how my sister was doing. But that person was no longer there.

There was me, who had been taught to not interact more closely than necessary with the servants, and Silvia, who hadn’t. I pondered over what that boundary between us could possibly be…   

 

“Hm, my lady…”

 

When I opened the palm of my hand to receive the keys, the maid called out to me in an apologetic voice.

 

“Yes?”

“This… must be reported to the master.”

“…”

 

Precisely because she thought I was up to something, she said that to remind me of this fact.

Also, the reason she purposely said it like this was because the steward must have already been notified.

 

“I do not mind.”

 

I tightly grasped the bunch of keys and looked at her in the eyes.

Among those keys were the ones for the office and the archives or the treasure warehouse, in other words, for rooms needing father’s permission to enter.

Since the rooms we usually didn’t go to were locked, the person in charge of cleaning was managing the keys, but it didn’t mean that anybody could use them.

However, it was true that with only those keys, you could trespass in most of the rooms. When you thought about it, the idea that someone might try to use the keys to commit an evil deed would always come to mind.

The steward was also probably concerned about this. In other words, I wasn’t trusted.

 

“All the things I will do from now on, I do not mind if you report them to your supervisors.”

 

After declaring this, I bypassed the servant who was clearly shaking.

“My lady…?” Not minding her small voice that was unable to hide her distrust, I left the room.

“Please, wait lady…!” I shook off the maid who was trying to guess the reasons why I needed the keys from my actions and expressions. She couldn’t ask directly because ultimately, I was the daughter of her employer.

But if she didn’t give me the keys, I only had to order her to. While feeling the presence of the maid and the servant who were chasing after me, I proceeded down the corridor.

Each time I stepped forward, my heart trembled. My vision became blurred, not because tears were flowing, but rather due to tiredness.

Yes, that was surely that. Yet, it felt as if my heart and my body had become two separate entities and my feet tangled several times.

           

If this was a dream, and if I then woke up from it, I might laugh. Laugh that such an absurd reality could never be true.

           

Even though the sun hadn’t set yet, the long, long straight corridor seemed very dim.

It was still brighter than that time in my childhood when I walked alone in the middle of the night. Yet, the scene looked very similar to that time. It might be natural since it was the same place.

I put my hands in front of my chest and pressed them tightly, then I moved my line of sight from right to left, vividly remembering how I had walked down this corridor as if I was running away from something.

At that time, my fingers were trembling. Startled by the projection of my own shadow casted by the faintly glowing lamps, my shoulders shook. Still, I had eagerly proceeded forward.

There was no help at the place I arrived at, yet it was still true that the unchanging scene had brought me reassurance. Silvia and mother never changed. No matter what happened to me, no matter how the world changed, they would remain unperturbed and continued to live their lives as if nothing was different from the previous day.

The reason I didn’t leap into the room was because I had been afraid my own existence would end up changing their usual days into “unusual” ones. I knew that I always had to be “me.”

Straightening my back, being unafraid of anyone, unphased by anything, at any time I had to confront everything with a firm attitude.

Something like clinging to mother’s hand mustn’t be done. 

 

“M-my lady! Lady Silvia is not present!”

 

The maid called out to me with a small voice when I used the bunch of keys in front of Silvia’s room. As she was an employee, even if she had realized what I intended to do, she still couldn’t protest directly. Since she was a servant, she couldn’t snatch the keys from my hands.

I strongly stared at the face of the frightened maid who kept inhaling small breaths.

That Silvia wasn’t there, I was fully aware of that fact.

 

“If you remain here with me, you might also get reprimanded. So...”

 

You should get away from this place, I warned them, moving my gaze to the servant who was standing a few steps away from us.

“… N-no, I am…” The servant was shaking her head frantically, surely because she had been told to observe and report all my actions.

As she was even younger than Silvia, she probably had no right to refuse this order. To say nothing of stopping the daughter of her master if she was trying to do something.

The fact a young servant had purposely been chosen to be sent here wasn’t because they were short on hands. It was done in order to have a sacrificial pawn when push came to shove.

Her age as well as the fact her face wasn’t familiar showed she was a person who had been hired recently. In other words, it didn’t seem she had been entrusted with an important duty.

As such, if “something were to happen to her,” even if she was no longer in the estate, it wouldn’t be a hard blow for the other employees.

If I were to make a mess and do something unbelievable, after having reported it, her mouth would probably be sealed.

           

She had naturally not noticed this. However, she and I were living in that kind of world.

           

I averted my gaze from the servant who was looking at me without hiding her bewilderment.

Had it been a usual day, I might have retrieved my hand and returned to my room. I would have given back the keys, pretending that nothing was wrong, said a few words of apology to the steward, “I am sorry for taking up a bit of your time,” and that’s all it would have taken to end this.

Because nothing had happened yet, making up an explanation would also have been unnecessary. Despite understanding all this...    

 

“My lady…!”

 

I certainly heard the maid’s voice full of reproach. Still, I opened the door without caring about it.

 

“Where is the tea Silvia received from mother stored?”

 

While I told them it was fine to leave this place, when I asked this question to the maid, she reluctantly followed after me. Then, after slightly hesitating, she looked at the bedside.

In that place, there was a large chest decorated with exquisite carvings and on top of it, stuffed toys and dolls of various sizes were lined up.

They were all things our parents had bought for Silvia. To not let that child, who often couldn’t leave her bed, feel lonely, toys of countless sizes had been gathered, ranging from the ones that were perfect to hug to the ones only meant to be admired.

And they were all handed over directly to Silvia by father and mother.

           

Even I possessed a few of these. However, the way they were given to me was different from how Silvia received hers. The merchant who was trading with our house had told me, “Your respected mother asked us to present these to my lady,” adding words that might or might not have been true, politely deposing in front of me the wrapped plush toys.

Now, those pitiful dolls were shut down in a closet in the inner part of my room. Because they stared at my face with eyes that seemed excessively reproachful, I couldn’t hug them, not even once. 

 

“M-my lady!”

 

Without hesitation, when I opened the drawer of the chest decorated with dolls, glass vials leaned up regularly inside a square box appeared in front of my eyes.

The tea leaves were probably inside this drawer so that Silvia could gaze at them to pass time. The glass bottles which were subtly changing colors were sparkling like jewels.

When I picked one, the cold feeling made my hand shake. These bottles weren’t adorned by anything. As I thought, the one Silvia gave me had been decorated with a ribbon on purpose. I was now certain of it.

When I opened the lid, a sweet aroma gently drifted out.

 

“… … Ah, why…?”

 

Probably no one heard my muttering voice.

Taking all the eight vials contained in the little box, I checked them one by one. The medical herbs mixed with the tea seemed a bit different. But the odor remaining in my nose was the same.

The shaking that had seized me since some time ago wouldn’t stop.

“… My lady?” My unusual condition was probably noticed. The maid peered at me with a doubtful expression.

           

Each time I blinked, the thing I remembered was the face of mother as she was hugging my little sister. She always seemed happy when she gazed at that child’s face who was nestling her cheek close to her.

This appearance would never let you imagine she was bearing a grudge or hating someone.

           

“… Why?”

 

These small arms tightly hugged mother’s neck. Because she was young, she didn’t know how to restrain her strength. But, mother hadn’t said anything, instead she had smiled broadly, seeming very glad.

I could hear my little sister’s voice as she laughed, declaring, “Mother, I love you.”

 

“…Why? Why? … How come… …!”

 

My lips trembled. My teeth made a clanging sound because my whole body was shaking.

I didn’t know if I was sorrowful, if it was heart-breaking, nor why it was so painful. 

           

But I couldn’t help but cry out loud.

During all that meaningless time I had kept repeating over and over again, there had been nothing I could believe in unconditionally, but I had never doubted once the affection mother had towards Silvia.

I envied it. I couldn’t stop myself from yearning for it. I had never known that kind of earnest and pure love devoid of scheme and trick, a love that wasn’t granted as a reward for accomplishing something.

Even in that pitch-black world, at least one thing like this had existed.

And that had been a light strong enough to burn my eyes, a deep affection I would never forget even if I closed them.  

           

That’s why I have never been able to stop wishing for something like this.

 

“My lady! Lady Ilya! You mustn’t…!”

 

The maid, who finally realized the gravity of the matter, exclaimed in a loud voice.

I vigorously shook off her hands as she tried to grasp my arms and peeled off the sheet of Silvia’s bed. Then I spread it on the ground.

From the drawer I took out the box that was used to store the vials and turned it upside down over the sheet. The glass that tumbled down made an unexpected loud sound as they collided against each other.

The concentration of the gentle and sweet smell inside the room increased. I thought there might even have been hibiscus inside. 

 

“M-my lady! What on earth are you doing? These, these, these are Lady Silvia’s belongings!”

 

I pushed aside the maid who had shifted her body to obstruct my path, trying to prevent me from holding the vials I had wrapped up in the sheet.

Standing a few steps away, the servant girl responsible for the keys seemed to intend to prevent me from leaving the room despite her teary eyes. The door was shut down by the girl, raising a fierce sound.

After standing still for a moment, stupefied, I strongly pressed down the bottles I was holding in my hand against my chest.

When I tightly closed my eyes, something overflew from the corner of my eyes.

           

Once I leave this room, I won’t be able to go back.

           

What was reflected inside this pitch-dark world was mother’s thin fingers and Silvia’s silver hair. The color of her hair was lighter in her childhood than now, it was closer to white.

That child who had hair of my favorite color, mother had stroked her gently. Again and again. As if to say she couldn’t help it because she was too lovely, because she loved her too much.

I hadn’t seen this scene just one or twice. If it had been me instead…I wonder how happy and blessed I would feel, was what I often thought.

 

“Step aside.”

“M-my lady!”

“Will you make me repeat the same thing twice?”

“But, my lady……!”

“I said, move aside!!”

 

When I raised my voice, as if it was acting in concert, my heart pounded. It might have been because I had screamed so loudly.

As my eyes were wide open, the maid gazing at me in wonder and the servant shaking with anxiety were clearly reflected.

When I confronted them by scowling at them, they faltered slightly and a gap opened.

Thrusting forward my thin body, I left the room.

           

Feeling as if I was a robber breaking out of a house, once out in the corridor, I exhaled a deep breath. Even though there was no one here, I breathed out silently like I was making sure no one would hear me, but my crying voice let out a noisy shivering sound.

The two of them didn’t seem to have followed after me. They had surely run off to report to the steward. During this interval, I must get away from Silvia’s room even if it’s only a little.

As I quickened my pace, my breathing accelerated accordingly. Why did I unconsciously grasp my throat? The anguish increased; it didn’t make me feel more comfortable.

The straight-line corridor where carpets were spread out seemed to become complicated like a sloppy maze.

Each time I stepped forth, I was assailed by the illusion that the weight of my body pulled me down. 

           

… … I’m scared. Scared. Someone. Anyone.

           

Once I finally reached my destination, I breathed in and out two times.

Pushing the door without knocking, I saw a thin back sitting on a rocking chair.

Even though her back was facing me, she probably noticed the sound of the door which echoed in a clang. Tilting her neck with her eyebrows slightly creased, she slowly turned her head.

 

“… … Ilya?”

 

When our eyes met and I saw her puzzled expression, my arms started trembling without reason.

The bedsheet I was holding fell down, the few vials inside it rolled out. Lightly rolling, they lost their momentum when they reached the feet of mother, who had stood up before I noticed, reflecting the light of the sun that was coming from the window.  

           

While I was squinting my eyes due to the dazzling reflection, the sound of rustling clothes resounded.

I simply watched as mother picked up a vial with her slender fingers. As if she was checking something, she made the bottle containing the tea leaves roll in the palm of her hand several times, then mother raised her face to gaze at me fixedly.

Next, moving down her eyes as if tracing their contours, she seemed to recognize the other vials lying at her feet.

For some reason, her lips formed a little smile. She was neither upset, marveling, nor angry. It was a smile in which you couldn’t read the slightest emotion. 

           

That kind of expression, I knew it very well.

 

 

Chapter 29                                                           Chapter 31