Chapter 36

If this is the real end – 19

 

Feeling a pain that made me wonder if my chest hadn’t been torn open, I was unable to stand and remained crouched on the ground.

Apart from my sobbing, I couldn’t hear any other sound. Not even one. I didn’t even hear the sound of someone breathing or the rustling of clothes.

 

“… … Big sister?”

 

In this world devoid of sound, these muttered words especially stood out.

At first, I thought it was my imagination, but I certainly heard a lovely voice calling out once again “Sister.”

When I looked up, who knew since when she had been there, Silvia was standing in front of the open door.

 

“Big sister, what happened?”

 

Did she willfully open the door without waiting for permission, or did the maid feel a presence and open it to check the corridor?

Anyway, before I knew it, my little sister was here and was now about to enter the room.

 

“Silvia, do not come in. Return to your own room.”

 

Father ordered her with a strict expression that he probably had never shown to Silvia before.

I thought that Silvia would undoubtedly be frightened, but she didn’t. She simply looked at me with a titled head and a stupefied expression.

This girl, who had never been reprimanded by our parents and who, no matter what she did, would at most be offered candid advice, seemed like she never ever thought she could become the target of someone’s anger.

And so, ignoring father’s words, she entered the room without hesitation. Ignoring it like it was the most natural thing to do, she didn’t pay any mind to the words of the man who, despite being our father, was also the master of an earl house.

It’s something that would be impossible for a nobleman’s daughter, but it seemed it did not apply to Silvia.

“Silvia, you mustn’t,” Mother’s words also didn’t have any considerable effect.

 

Silvia didn’t pay them any heed and walked straight towards me.

She looked down on me who was basking in the faint light that came through the windows of this wide room. The sun had already set, so the light that came from outside was only the frail light from the moon and the stars.

Although today was such a terrible day, the night sky was cleared up and serene, completely cloudless.

 

“… … Don’t approach her.”

 

Father gave a command with a voice lower than earlier, but he wasn’t looking at Silvia, he was looking at me.

The one who was approaching was Silvia and yet, these words weren’t destined for her.

 

If you touch something beautiful and ephemeral, it’ll break.

 

So, was he saying that a person like me wasn’t allowed to approach her?

My throat made a strange noise several times, so I grasped it tightly with both hands, wondering what had happened. Then, I realized it was my weeping sounds.

I wanted to ask him why he said that, but the words wouldn’t come out. At that moment,

 

“Why?”

 

Silvia crouched down and looked up at father.

Because she was sitting in front of me, her untied silver hair was softly swaying in front of my eyes.

 

“Why can’t I come, father? Isn’t big sister crying?”

“Silvia, it’s fine, so get away. To begin with, why did you come here?”

“Today is the day of my medical examination. Did you forget? The doctor was examining me in my room, but Maurice came to call him. I thought you might be sick, but he said it was because of an injury so……”

“… I see, I understand. You came to see what happened.”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“You are a nice child.”

“But, why?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why don’t you hurry and treat big sister? For a while now, the doctor has been waiting in the corridor.”

“…”

“Rather, shouldn’t she have been examined before me? Say, what happened? Father?”

“Silvia...”

 

Bending her knees, my little sister slid toward me and closed the distance between us, abruptly extending her hand.

 

“Don’t touch her!”

“Do not touch me…!”

 

Father and I exclaimed at almost the same time.

But as expected, Silvia didn’t show the slightest hesitation and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.

I tried to twist my body but she restricted me with a strength I would never have thought her frail body possessed. It was a gentle but firm grip that didn’t permit me to resist.

I noticed the arm I had injured hadn’t any strength left in it.

 

“Why? Why mustn’t I? Father? Mother you too, why? Why are you not saying anything? See how big sister is crying. Moreover, she is hurt. There is a lot of blood. Why? Why are you leaving it like this? Why are you staying still?”

 

She kept repeating “Why, why?” like a child, with doubt and incomprehension mixed in her voice.

 

“You are even bleeding from your lips… Did someone … hit you? Say, Ilya. What on earth happened?”

 

Father and mother both wouldn’t answer. They simply looked at Silvia in silence while making difficult expressions.

Seeing them like this, she must have thought we wouldn’t make any progress. So this time, she peered at my face and questioned me instead.

 

“Silvia,”

“… Yes, what?”

 

When I called her name, her purple eyes narrowed and softened. There were bright eyes like those of a kitten. She might have made this expression to make me feel relieved.

But Silvia’s temperament was also like this to begin with. It may be that because she had been raised with love while being protected and treasured, in the same way, she could love, protect and cherish others too.

She would do it selflessly, without hoping for a reward. My little sister always reached out her hands without the slightest hesitation.

In my lives that repeated, that accumulated, Silvia had done that so many times. The first one had been the incident in the stables. You could say that this incident which only lasted a few seconds, was what decided my actions afterwards.

It was the day I decided I wanted to cherish my little sister. At that time… … when the horse’s hoof was closing on me, I remembered there was a maid beside me, and behind us there was also the chamberlain. They were standing much closer than Silvia, who was just passing by.

But, when I tripped and the frightened horse neighed and raised its hoof, at that moment, the only person who moved to save me had been Silvia.

If something had happened to me, both the maid and the chamberlain would have had to bear the responsibility. All the people serving a noble should have that resolution.

But even knowing this, at that moment, they couldn’t react at once, they couldn’t make the decision. … … The decision to save me.

If it had been someone who was more experienced to some extent, they might not have made the same decision. Since there was a possibility they would get dragged into it themselves, it wasn’t strange for them to try to avoid it. Even I understood this way of thinking wasn’t wrong.

The fact that Silvia had stepped forth before me without hesitation at that moment, was simply because she was very young and couldn’t correctly assess the situation.

Actually, we were saved by the stable boy who pulled on the bridle, Silvia hadn’t concretely saved me. Still, this child never stopped reaching out her hands to me.  

           

In one of my lives, when I was brought to a brothel, my little sister tried to track me down.

A few years had passed since I had eloped from the estate. During that time, Al told me she was always looking for me. Even after she became part of the marquis’ house, I think she kept her eyes opened for any clues with great devotion.

As I was already on the verge of death, I couldn’t make a normal judgement, but her gentleness felt like something unnecessary.

Sometimes, I remembered the kind hands of my little sister. When I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night, my little sister was sitting at the bedside, knitting. When our eyes met, she smiled and whispered she had been worried because my fever was high.

Hearing her kind voice, she overlapped with mother’s figure. Even though she wasn’t a person who would speak in this tone, it felt like mother was sitting there.

Even though the person in question never came to see me, even at my very last moments.

           

The father and mother whom I shared blood with, always quickly gave up on me, forsook me.

Yet, my little sister, who was only a half-sibling, never abandoned me.  

           

Even after seeing my shabby appearance when I was reduced to being a prostitute, the only one who didn’t frown in unease and disapproval was my little sister.

It was Soleil who restrained that child who tried to reach out to me without hesitation.

 

“Silvia, Silvia, I… cherish you.”

“Yes, I know.”

 

I had explained to Crow that the fact she was my love rival wasn’t a reason to not cherish her.

Even now, this emotion hasn’t changed.

 

“But I... took the bottles containing the tea that’s precious to you.”

“… Is that so?”

 

My little sister hugged me in her arms, her hand stroking my back. She repeated the same gesture again and again, very gently.

 “Why?” she asked me and, in her voice, there wasn’t any blame. She was simply asking me a question.

At mother’s funeral, my little sister had said that I wasn’t the kind of person who would do that. She had screamed it while her whole body was shaking.

The only words that left her pale lips were words that said how much she believed in me. She seriously seemed to believe in my innocence.

           

“Ilya, stop.” The person who tried to prevent the sobbing me from confessing was mother.

Over Silvia’s shoulder, I saw her brush away the quilt and try to get up. I wondered if she was about to come here.

Lending a hand to mother, father ordered in a powerful tone, “Ilya, get away from Silvia.” He might have known I had brought out the tea from Silvia’s room.

In a daze, I silently stared at my parents’ figures as they were joining hands. Even now, I still didn’t fully understand what their relationship was, what was between them.

Until mother killed herself, I had no doubt they were two people tied up by love, an affectionate couple. And I dreamed of becoming like them.

 

“Big sister, why? Why did you take my things?”

 

Not paying any attention to our parents, Silvia asked me again.

Mother let out a silent exclamation.

 

“…. … Because, it’s unfair.”

 

What leaked out of my mouth were words even I, myself, completely didn’t expect to say.

 

“… I mean... why? Why... why… is it always you, Silvia? Why is it always only Silvia?”

 

Being loved by our parents, being chosen by Soleil, being able to grasp happiness. Why was it always only Silvia? Also…

 

“Sister?”

 

Until the very end, the person who never abandoned me, was also my little sister.

Even I had resigned myself to this life and yet, my little sister always tried to rescue me with her pure and holly heart.

It’s true that she also betrayed me. I remembered well Silvia’s appearance, her face that had lost color, when she was pregnant with Soleil’s child.

But above anything else, my little sister kept extending her hands to me. No matter how many times life repeated and the same moment piled up, each time, she tried to extend her hand.

And then, I, no matter how many times I repeated my life, I lost that little sister.

“I’m glad I’m your little sister,” was a sentence said long, long ago. The person who had said it wasn’t the child standing in front of me now.

 

“Stop this immediately! Ilya!”

 

Mother, who raised her voice, grasped my arms. But Silvia talked back, “The one who needs to stop is you, mother!”

Mother faltered due to this fierce manner of speaking. It was surely the first time Silvia had opposed her.

 

“Isn’t my big sister crying…”

 

When I looked at her face, Silvia was also shedding tears.

 

“Why is nobody helping her… !!”

 

The gentle Silvia. My lovely little sister.

Yet, that child had stolen my most precious thing.

I wanted to love her. I wanted to.

I understood I should, I had to love that child. I mean, she was my one and only little sister.

If we could take each other’s hands, I was sure life would become wonderful.

 

As if tearing off her shaking fingers from me, mother quietly released my arms.

 

“… … Silvia, I intended to cherish you.”

“Big sister?”

“Always, I’ve always meant to do that.”

“What happened to you?”

“But, I can’t.”

 

I cupped the little face of Silvia in my hands. My right hand, wet in blood, dirtied her face with red.

 

“I… cannot... love you.”

 

I recalled the thoughts mother spat out at the moment of her death, her real thoughts.

When she told me she couldn’t love me even once, she spat out blood as if it was a great sin.

           

I thought of my mother who said she couldn’t love in front of the daughter she should have loved.

           

I thought of my mother who couldn’t hold out her hand in front of the daughter she should have embraced.

I was probably the same.

 

“I am sorry, Silvia… I’m sorry, I can’t... love you.”

 

My throat made a loud sobbing sound.

 

“I cannot… bring myself to love you…”

 

Looking at her in the eyes, at the moment I told her so, the depth of my throat became blocked by a clot of blood.

You tried to give me a deep affection, but also robbed everything away from me.

A drop of light floating in Silvia’s purple eyes turned into a tear and slid down on her cheek. Those beautiful eyes of hers always seemed to be swirling in sadness. Her slightly pursed lips shivered.

Reaching for my own hand still lingering on her cheek, she wrapped it up in her own small hand and whispered. With a voice so helpless it seemed it would melt in the air, she said,

 

“I know that.”

 

I have known that since a long time ago.

 

 

Chapter 35                                                            Chapter 37

Nocta’s thoughts:

I took note of your answers to my question: the letter, the ribbon, the knife, a scar, Merge’s role. It’ll be mentioned in the next few remaining chapters. 

Chapter 35

If this is the real end – 18

 

If asked whether I tried to kill her or not, I would answer with confidence, “No.”

But, if I was asked what I was trying to do then, I would be at a loss for a reply.

Because at that moment, I was trying to erase the existence of mother itself. It felt a bit different from robbing someone’s life, but I couldn’t explain it well.

 

“Do you think that’s an excuse?”

 

The oppressive voice of father sounded distant. It was the usual feeling of having no sense of reality.

Although I knew I wasn’t in a dream, I thought we were almost like the fictive characters appearing in a story.

I barely felt the sensation of being alive.

 

“Are you listening, Ilya?”

 

Lying on the bed, mother was breathing silently, but she wasn’t sleeping. She was just staring fixedly at me.

Father and I were standing at the bedside, the steward was right behind father, and two maids were waiting in the corners of the room. One of them was Merge.

           

… … If at that time, Merge hadn’t barged into the room, I think I would have certainly choked the life out of mother.

 

When I took out of Silvia’s room the bottles containing the tea, the maid who happened to be present went to report the situation to the steward. According to her, just after I left my sister’s room, she had run to find him.

Then, the steward, who was informed of the circumstances, ordered a maid who had been working here for a long time, Merge, to go watch over the situation. He must have judged that a young and inexperienced maid wouldn’t be able to deal with it.  

           

Originally, only father could enter mother’s room without asking for permission.

But this limitation didn’t apply when an unexpected situation occurred. In the absence of the family’s head, the authority fell on the steward.

So, since it was her mistress’s room, she could have asked for the steward’s authorization and be allowed to enter. There was a reason why Merge barged in without waiting to get someone’s consent.

I didn’t think she knew something was happening in the room, but she might have sensed the unusual atmosphere. And so, she was able to prevent the worst-case scenario.

 

“I had no intention of bringing harm to mother. I was simply a bit confused… I am truly sorry…”

 

I deeply bowed, almost to the point of falling. I staggered a little, but I desperately maintained my posture. I must avoid at all costs losing my consciousness here.

If everything is not cleared out, I will be confined in my room. No matter how, I must prove I was sane.

Even if I was aware that, in reality, a part of me had broken.

 

“Do you really think so? You had your hands on your mother’s neck. And you said you didn’t mean to harm her……?”

 

From the corner of my eyes, I saw father swing his arms.

My shadow on the carpet swayed along with the light illuminating the room. It almost looked like it was trying to escape from father’s hands.

I didn’t know if I was slapped or hit, but a buzzing sound echoed in my ears. This time I fell on the carpet.

When I reflexively looked up at father’s face, I met his eyes that were scowling at me. His amber pupils looked like those of a beast.

I couldn’t help but be frightened by this glare full of hostility, this gaze that was as if he was about to kill his prey.

It was unmistakably my own blood-related father, yet he looked like a stranger. In those eyes oozing of hatred, I couldn’t feel the slightest bit of affection towards his daughter.

Something slimy and lukewarm glided along my chin and when I reflexively pinned it down with my fingers, I realized it was blood. I must have cut my lips.

           

As I stayed on the ground with my gaze unintentionally lowered, my cuff became dyed red.

Still, that amount of bleeding was strange. As I was pondering over it in doubt,

 

“… Master, I beg your pardon, but…”

 

Merge took one step forward from her position near the wall and gently interjected.

Father answered “What?” while still glaring at me. His gaze looked like it belonged to an official confronting a criminal.

I wondered if he thought I would do something if he were to take his eyes off me?

This sharp gaze seemed like it wouldn’t leave me any gap, wouldn’t miss the slightest carelessness.   

 

“The lady seems… to be injured… somewhere.”

 

When she reservedly pointed out that fact, I faltered.

An injury? I wondered when it happened. But now that I had been told, I felt a painful tingle in my arms.

Since I was wearing a dark colored dress like usual, I hadn’t noticed, but it seemed the sleeves were clinging to my skin as if they were soaked.

Now that I think of it, when I stole the knife from mother… No to be exact, when I struggled with her to snatch her knife, it felt like I grazed my arms.

But at that time, I didn’t feel pain. Or should I say there wasn’t much pain?

           

Feeling a gaze on me, I peeked at father’s expression and saw he was looking at my hands.

As if this too strong gaze was piercing me, a liquid felt drop by drop from the fingertips of my right hand.

 

“Master, this was in the room.”

 

The old steward standing behind father nervously called out to him.

Then, he slowly stepped in between father and me. I could only see his back, but I knew his hand was holding a handkerchief, and the knife was resting on it.

He respectfully presented it to father with his head bowed low, as if he was holding a family heirloom.

 

“What is that?”

 

I didn’t know who he was asking this question to. That voice, which seemed to crawl on the ground, made my body freeze by reflex. Because father’s voice was always driving me to a corner.

My heart pounded strongly. I feared everyone would hear it. That’s how deep the silence that had settled inside the room was.

At the moment when all the eyes of the people present converged on me,

 

“It’s mine.”

 

A dignified voice rang out. Having simply watched the situation unfold until now, mother suddenly spoke out.

She hadn’t raised her voice, yet it held a might strong enough to tear apart the stillness of the room.

 

“… What?”

 

When I stood up while listening to father’s hoarse voice, blood dropped down on the carpet.

I thought it was only a scratch, but it might not be so. Rather, it might be quite deep.

           

… … Deep enough to leave a scar behind.

           

When I held my right hand, mother asked, “Could someone call for a person who can treat her wound?”

She also raised up her upper-body, but the steward perceived her somewhat blank look.

Mother’s expression didn’t seem completely sane, yet he remained unperturbed and simply answered back, “I understand,” before putting the knife in his pocket and leaving the room after lightly bowing his head.

No one spoke up during this exchange. Father also saw him off in silence.

In the middle of the room on which silence had once again descended, a monotonous voice said, “Ilya, wouldn’t it be better to sit down? You are bleeding a lot.”

Even though her daughter was hurt, she didn’t sound flustered at all. Besides, while she had been the topic of our conversation until now, she didn’t seem to feel concerned at all.

At least, if someone had tried to kill you, shouldn’t you show a bit more reaction?

 

“You said this knife was yours?”

 

Father asked mother. His tone was a lot softer than when he was talking to me.

 

“Yes, that is right.”

“What did you plan to use it for?”

 

However, it somewhat felt like his words were filled with more tension compared to usual.

He seemed to have never ever thought that mother would possess such an object.

Indeed, it was impossible to imagine mother, who was always emitting a gentle atmosphere, holding a knife in her hand.

 

“The purposes of a knife are numerous.”

 

Mother lightly laughed. Because it was a perfect mask, I hadn’t noticed until now.

That mother would always paste a smile on her lips, as if she was never pained, never felt anguish, was never disgraced.

To become this skillful, did she live her whole life while concealing her emotions?

 

“… … Mother tried...”

 

As I looked at her face, the words slipped out of their own accord.

 

“… Ilya.”

 

A calm voice called my name.

When I reflexively turned my head, mother was smiling at me with her head tilted.

I knew what it meant even without taking the time to think about it. By showing an affectionate expression and a bright smile, she was trying to shut down my words.

“Ilya,” she called my name once again, but this time I didn’t confirm her expression again and turned around to face father.

 

“Mother tried...”

“…Ilya!”

 

The high-pitched voice that was trying to cover my own voice roused up the mood.

However, after the voice filled with an impatient tone echoed in the room, a tense silence fell.

 

“Mother tried to kill herself.”

 

Because I had to tell him clearly, I intended to speak with a voice a lot louder than usual.

But my words faltered. Even now I still couldn’t believe mother had tried to take her own life.

Despite the fact I had actually witnessed that moment, that I had held in my arms her bloodstained body and seen the light leave her eyes… … even if I had attended her funeral, if someone were to tell me all of this had only been an illusion, I might believe it.

 

“…Ilya!!”

 

Mother repeatedly called my name. As if she was asking for my help.

But I thought her scream was the same as affirming my words.

For this exact reason, father moved his line of sight from me to mother and asked while frowning, “… What is she talking about?”

“What have you done, Ilya… what have you…”

There was no need to bother confirming it. I knew mother was glaring at me with accusing eyes.

Her lips must have lost their color and her face turned white like paper. I was sure of it. 

           

If it was the usual me… no if it was the me until yesterday, I would surely have done what mother wanted me to.

However, no one could help me anymore. … … Because the life I should have saved, I had tried to make it disappear with my very own hands.

Tightly grasping my trembling fingers, after blinking once, I stared at mother’s face.

As expected, mother’s lips were trembling. This face dyed in grief belonged to none other than a victim.

That pitiful figure which made everyone wants to extend a helping hand overlapped with Silvia’s.

 

“Mother, isn’t it fine for me… to protect myself?”

 

Every breath was like a painful gasp. I thought I didn’t want to cry but in fact … … I couldn’t.

My mouth distorted and I might have made an expression similar to a young child about to throw a tantrum.

 

“… After all, mother you, about me… you … do not… love me, right?”

 

As I said those words, my heart felt like it was gouged out. Blood spurted out of my torn-out chest, everything reflected in my eyes was dyed red. When I asserted this, mother intently stared at me with her eyes wide open, yet her face became blurred and my vision swayed. After time turned back, mother had not said to me “I do not love you.” It was already an event of the lost past. But I now understood even without being told. Because I knew this truth. Even if mother didn’t remember, I could not forget it.

           

Since it was the case, then I had to protect myself.

           

If I thought about mother’s feelings, I knew I should act as if nothing happened and hold my tongue. It would be best if I kept quiet about the fact that she mixed a drug inside Silvia’s tea and pretended it never happened.

But if I did that, I would become a mere thief who stole my little sister’s tea leaves.

If the story became that I reflexively attacked mother after being reprimanded by her for stealing, everyone would believe it and assent to it.

This explanation had a lot more credibility than me trying to stop mother for taking her life.

Besides, I knew I had no other choice but to do that in order to subdue this matter. I didn’t know what kind of verdict father would give otherwise; maybe mother would put in a good word for me and it wouldn’t turn out into a too big mess.

 

However, that was only my wishful thinking.

I didn’t know what actions mother would actually take. There was the possibility she would keep wearing her lady mask and condemn me along with father.

 

After all, mother had silently watched as father beat me.

She did not even speak up to stop father when he raised his fist.

 

“Since you won’t defend me, mother… then, I have to protect me... myself…” 

 

I couldn’t even tell if the liquid falling drop by drop on the carpet and forming a little puddle was the blood falling from my arms or the tears dropping from my painful cheek.

But what soaked the dark colored carpet definitively came from me.

With all the many lives I lived, everything related to honesty and purity had disappeared in me.

So maybe, it could be that even these tears had become black and muddy.

 

“… Ilya, what the hell are you talking about?”

 

Instead of mother who had sunk into silence, father questioned me with an unusual bewildered voice.

 

“… Father.”

“… What is it?”

“Father, have you ever thought about it? That you might be causing pain to someone?”

“What?”

“Father, were you aware... of mother’s suffering?”

“… What the hell are you trying to say…?”

 

He ought to have heard, but was he pretending to not understand?

I was glared at by sharp eyes full of harshness and for a second, I was at a loss for words.

 

“Ilya, will you please stop already.”

 

At that time, mother’s voice rang out, sounding as if she was about to cry.

 

“You don’t know anything…!”

 

That’s true. Mother didn’t know I had read the letter she had entrusted to the maid.

That was normal. Since I read it after she passed away.

Was she confused to the point of not realizing she had used the word ‘princess’ when she tried to commit suicide? But in this situation, such a detail was only a trifling matter.

The line of sight of everyone present gathered on mother, who was shaking helplessly. Her figure, which was crossing both of her hands in front of her chest, looked like Silvia’s.

Mother and Silvia didn’t have a blood connection. But maybe due to the long time they had spent together, their gestures and facial expressions were similar.

When I felt so, my vision blurred once again. I felt a distinct love from those trivial gestures.

It seemed to make me realize they could be a family even if they weren’t related by blood.

 

“Merge.”

 

When I called her, from the corner of the room, a voice clearly shaking answered back, “Y-yes.”

 

“You are holding onto something that has been entrusted to you by mother, aren’t you?”

 

When I looked at Merge’s face, she visibly gulped down and put her hand on her chest. Mother’s “letter” was probably always hidden there.

 

“Merge.”

 

When I called her name to hurry her, she promptly looked toward mother.

Even though she kept quiet, this gesture showed the answer.

Mother stared at me with a slightly befuddled expression. She was probably wondering why I knew. It was probably a pledge only shared between the two of them.

But considering this, though Merge wasn’t aware of the circumstances, it was precisely because the two of them had concealed it that this tragedy happened.

           

… A tragedy. That’s right, it was indubitably a tragedy.

           

This time, it seemed I could avoid that tragedy. Because I rescued mother and I could still live through it.

However, next time things won’t necessarily be the same. If there was a law behind this life I had repeated many times… … In an incident like this one, I thought that it wouldn’t be strange if mother, Silvia or I were to lose our lives.

 

“Father, mother had entrusted a letter to Merge. Everything is written inside it.”

“… Is it true?”

 

This time, when father’s strict glare fell on the maid who was mother’s trusted confidante, she trembled enough for it to be visible.

When mother had taken her life, she had pleaded for me, but this was surely because she thought of mother’s letter. Perhaps she didn’t know the whole contend, but she might have been aware of one part of it.

Silvia was, exactly as mother had said, “a genuine princess.” The blood of the princess from a foreign country ran in her, making her a member of royalty.

As such, if you considered how devoted Merge was to Silvia… I could more or less understand the principle behind her behavior.

Besides, apart from this explanation, I couldn’t find another reason as to why she retired from behind my maid.

           

If I considered the fact that, on an emotional level, she simply loved Silvia more than I, then prioritizing this feeling, Merge may have begged mother to let her teach that child by all means.

           

Regardless of appearances, wasn’t the “young me” who had no other choice but to exert great efforts, quite helpless?

 

“… Ilya! What is the meaning of this? What gives you the right to say such a thing!!”

 

From the bed, mother raised her voice. Because she was a person who rarely yelled, or maybe her throat hurt, the end of her sentence became hoarse.

 

“The right, you said? Am I not “your” daughter?”

 

Yet, you will not defend me, right? Was what I wanted to say, but the words didn’t come out.

 

“Or am I supposed to say... that I... am not your daughter, mother?”

 

I felt that it might already be hopeless.

I knew people wouldn’t die of sadness, but when it hurt so much, I thought that maybe my breathing would stop.

I closed my eyelids and one after the other, tears dropped down.

 

“I am... your daughter. And also, father… I am also your daughter. Yet… …”

 

When I inhaled a deep breath, my throat hurt. While sobbing convulsively, I shouted,

 

“Why…! Why, do you not love me… … !!”

 

 

Chapter 34                                                                  Chapter 36

Nocta’s thoughts :

Ilya talked back! I thought it would never happen. 

But before that, let’s play a game!
You know how the author likes to write small details and uses them again later?
Like the strong scent of the medicine Ilya used when she was a prostitute, the painting of Silvia exposed in the corridor, or the mother’s passion for roses, gardening and poisoning humhum.
I haven’t read much ahead, but from the dialogues I took a glimpse of, something said in this chapter will be mentioned again later.
I don’t know how big a role it will play though. Want to take a guess? 

Chapter 34

If this is the real end – 17

 

Clack, the sound of something being torn to pieces rang out.

I thought it sounded almost as if something was severed with scissors.

I quickly tried to search for the source of that sound, but the black feathers were filling all my vision, plunging me into the darkness and I couldn’t see anything. I no longer knew whether my eyes were closed or opened.

I was about to raise my voice, but a gentle voice held me back. A voice that seemed to be singing, that seemed to be whispering. 

 

“That child is my precious, very precious princess, Ilya.”

 

Or maybe it was a voice full of solemnity, as if it was warning me.

I didn’t need to confirm it to know it was mother’s voice. At that time, I was looking at mother’s face reflected in the mirror, and she was also gazing at me.

Yet I could not remember her expression clearly.

Was she laughing? Was she sad? Or did she have the same expression full of love as usual?

 

“Mother.”

 

This time, I heard an anxious voice like that of a child. A heartrending and sad voice, that made you want to unconsciously stretch out your hands to hug the child.

In the middle of this pure darkness, a small hand was extended. As if it was looking for something, or was saying goodbye to someone, it moved from left to right.

I was certain it was only my imagination that made it look like it was struggling, but the fact it gave me the feeling that it was drowning wasn’t necessarily a false impression.

I prayed for someone to grasp that hand. Because it was the only thing I could do.

           

Please, may someone seize the small hand of that pitiful child.

 

“… … It is not poison.”

 

What? Just now, what did you say? I couldn’t quite hear it.

Bam, Bam. A sound echoed, as if a fist was hitting hard on a desk.

I was driven by the urge to put my hand on my ears to block this sound, but I noticed it was a noise that came from inside me.

Matching the systematic echoes of that sound, my body was shaking. I realized it was the pulsebeats of my heart. If it continued like this, my heart would cease to function.

That’s what I thought, yet I could only helplessly endure that cramping pain.

When I opened my lips to gasp some air, the sound of gulping down saliva resounded.

 

“So, she won’t die. That’s what worried you, right?”

 

I could see mother’s back as she had stepped up from the dresser.

The noise I made by catching my breath and gasping in surprise was absorbed by the carpet.

Reflected in the mirror, were the silhouettes of mother and I as I gazed at her back.

I remembered this shaken gaze. Uneasy, lonely, sad.

Even though it was my own face, it felt like looking at the face of a stranger.

I have seen this scene. At that time, I was looking at mother across the mirror.

It looked similar, but it also didn’t. Yet, it certainly looked alike. That’s the feeling I got.

That’s why I noticed it. Pulling the drawer just a little bit, inserting her fingers in the narrow gap, she took out “something.”

Only by watching the same scene for a second time could I understand how important those trivial gestures were.

My heart, which has been beating strongly since a while ago, made an even louder noise. My vision which continued to shake irregularly regained its stillness, the sensation of my feet stepping on the carpet came back.

The breaths I was exhaling were making the air shake, I actually felt that I was existing now and here.

           

… … Time had... turned back.

           

I didn’t have any evidence to make me think so. It could also be a long dream, but I understood with certainty it wasn’t the case.

Because after all, I had experienced this sensation any number of times. Each time I went back to the past in the blink of an eye, my body kept its five senses.

It might exactly be the same feeling as when a baby is taken out of its mother’s womb. Even though I should not remember this sensation, I thought so.

Despite the lack of wind, I noticed the air touching my skin. My blurred vision was cleared up of all shadows, and as if my face got out of the water, my hearing returned suddenly.

 

“Since she started attending school, that child became energetic. Yes, a lot livelier than before.”

 

It was a sentence I remembered hearing. It was justified. Because I had heard it once “before.”

Her hairstyle and attire, and even her standing posture that I couldn’t forget, were etched in my memory and wouldn’t go away.

At the very moment the setting sun was about to end its duty, she slit her own neck.

That person I was supposed to have lost for all eternity, was now standing in front of me. At a distance close enough for my hands to reach her.

The previous me was in deep thinking and missed the omen of her ominous words. Having already lost her sanity, mother was staring at me absentmindedly while her right arm was slightly stiffened. Her shaking shoulder was the proof. It was probably because she was preparing to raise above her head the “something” that was tightly grasped in her right hand.

Now I understood this well, and that’s exactly why I couldn’t afford to hesitate even for a second.

That ‘something’ seemed to be floating in the quiet and dim twilight, resembling a white moon. As it trembled, it reflected the light and tore the night apart.

 

“Mother.”

 

In the middle of the darkness, a young voice called mother.

I couldn’t say if it was a hallucination or words I said myself.

 

“But that’s not good, then. That situation... that child must be hopeless. It mustn’t become like this.”

 

Those words sounded like a signal. As if the paralysis of my body was dispelled, my petrified body became free.

Almost throwing myself on her, I seized mother’s right arm. It was slender to begin with, but there was no flexibility in it. It felt almost as if I was grasping a bone.

Before I had noticed, she became so thin.

The one who immediately let out a groan, was it me, or mother?

Anyway, I succeeded in preventing mother from slitting her own neck with her right hand. I bet she never expected me to do that. Unexpectedly, I could easily restrain her arm.

           

… … Even though she had carried out such a gruesome death.

           

To think I could prevent it so easily.

“… Mother.” I reflexively called her, but I didn’t know what to say after that.

We collapsed on the carpet, our bodies entangled as I held her thin body in my arms.

A knife fell out of mother stretched out hand. It rolled on the ground. With my arm I swept it away, throwing it in a distant place that mother’s hand couldn’t reach.

Then I straddled mother’s body and restrained her. She did resist a bit, but not to the point of struggling violently, and before long I knew mother was drained of her strength.

Hugging this body very, very strongly, some sobbing leaked out of my mouth and I bit on my lips.

           

Even though I could stop her so easily, so quickly, so uneventfully.

At that time, my mother had died.

 

“Why… Why did you…?”

 

My shaking throat couldn’t inhale air well and I ended up sobbing. I wept like a young child.

Even if I didn’t want to cry like that, I couldn’t suppress it.

“Why,” did you die, I almost asked, despite the fact the mother who was here now was alive, was breathing.

 

“It’s you... who ask that?”

 

I was questioned by a voice so cold you wouldn’t imagine it belonged to a person who tried to kill herself.

When my hands loosened unconsciously, under me, mother twisted her body and repeated in an incoherent mutter, “… It’s you… who ask that…?”

We stared at each other at point-blank range, close enough for our cheeks to touch.

 

“You made Silvia leave this house.”

“… What?”

 

I failed to ask her what on earth she meant. The words wouldn’t come out well.

 

“You tempted her to do so. I never forgot the day you mustered all your strength in this fervent speech, saying it was for Silvia’s sake. Even “that” husband was moved by it. Although his heart could not be moved by anyone else, because you had insisted so much, he allowed Silvia to attend school. But you knew. How to manipulate him at will. … Right, you incited him. Isn’t that right?”

 

Mother didn’t give me any answer to my question “why did you die?” Naturally. Because she didn’t die. It was a good thing. …

… No, it should have been a good thing, but an uneasiness I couldn’t shake away blocked my throat.

           

In all those lives I had repeated again and again and again, there hadn’t been even one that had gone like I had planned.

The more I wished for something, the more I strayed from my path, bent back and forth, then failed.

Therefore, the corrections I wanted to make never once came true.

However, now, I had fulfilled my desire to save mother. I had changed the “past” according to my wish.

For the first time, it seemed like I had accomplished something.

 

“You truly... did well, didn’t you?”

 

If you only cut off these words, you would likely misinterpret them as a praise.

But the emotion floating in those verdant green eyes, was blame.

Did I do something wrong again?

 

“My husband … loves Silvia. No, he loves her mother. The princess… So, he always obeys that person’s wishes.”

 

But when she blinked her eyes once, an intoxicated expression appeared in them.

Just like father who loved the foreign princess, mother also adored her master.

Even if she ended up abandoning her hometown for that person’s sake, mother might still consider herself as the princess’s maid.

 

“Silvia said she wanted to go to school, mother. That’s why I…”

“No, no, it’s not true. Because that child had given up. She had given up leaving this mansion.”

 

A dark shadow was casted in those green eyes that were looking up at me.

I once heard mother’s friend praise those eyes oozing with light for being like green leaves basking in the morning dew.

Mother was not called “the flower of high-society”, but even if she stood side by side with the person holding this title, you wouldn’t think she was inferior.

It’s not that she was excelling at something. But she was a special person.

And that person’s eyes had become stagnant and dark, cloudy and polluted.

           

… … I... until now... have felt that I was already dead.

           

I remembered the words I heard my little sister say in one of my lives. As her gaze was clouded by a shadow, she had muttered them, looking like she would erupt in a cry at any moment.

Because of her frailness, she wasn’t allowed to do anything. The only activity she could do at best was taking a daily walk.

I vividly remembered her smiling silhouette when she said she was “living” like everyone wished, but she couldn’t do anything except breathing.

 

“… Did you know? That Silvia was thinking like that. She was living, having given up everything. … Did you lock her up while knowing this?”

 

Each time my words left my mouth, my throat contracted and I started to suffocate.

It felt like someone was attacking me, strangling me.

With her back still leaning on the floor, mother tilted her neck in deep curiosity, like a lost child, and looked at me with innocent eyes.

 

“Well, isn’t it safer like this?”

 

That’s the only way to protect that child, isn’t it? She whispered as if telling a secret.

“I have made a vow. To protect that child to the end. We promised to her highness, to take care of her more than of our child.”

No longer able to reply anymore, I continued to look at mother who appeared to have lost her mind. Not minding my emotions at all, she was even smiling, telling me, “because that child was a genuine princess.”

 

“… And despite that, you put drugs in her tea?”

“Because that’s the only thing I could do. To keep that child in the mansion.”

“Then… it was all for the sake of preventing Silvia from going outside…?”

 

Just for a reason like this, my little sister had to drink such a thing?

 

“To begin with, Silvia was a child that shouldn’t go outside. It’s true that her body is frail and it’s a good excuse.”

“Mother, but, Silvia is… Silvia wants to become healthy…. She said she envied...”

 

… healthy people. I couldn’t finish my sentence.

My vision was blurring, my voice wouldn’t come out. My little sister lived on the border between life and death.

I wondered, when was it again when she was affected by an illness and lost her life?

I only went once to visit her as she was on the verge of death, and that child, who had withered away to the point of having thin arms like dead branches, had whispered, “I’m jealous of you, big sister. I wish I had been healthier.”

I didn’t reply, and that child also might not have been expecting anything from me. It was surely just a soliloquy.

Then why, did it remain in my memory so clearly?

 

“But I love that child. I cherish her very, very carefully.”

“… Carefully?”

“Yes. That child was always... my lovely princess. She is my one and only precious daughter in this world. That’s why... I’m sorry Ilya.”

 

“D-don’t say it, mother. Please.”

“That’s why... I have never……”

 

Ah, wait. I didn’t want to hear the rest.

My lips, which had dried up completely, exhaled an arid breath.

I couldn’t even tell if I had spoken up those words or not, but mother thin fingers gently stroked my cheek. The warmth I couldn’t help but desire in my childhood was there, here and now.

Yet, it felt like gravels of sand were thrown into the depths of my heart. I couldn’t help but feel a dull pain.   

 

“D-don’t say it, mother. Please.”

“That’s why... I have never……”

 

I promptly covered her soft lips with the palm of my hands.

Sill, her muffled voice was resisting, trying to say some words.

That’s why I pressed down that person’s face with even more strength.

Everything I had believed in, was gone. 

 

“Do not say it, mother, don’t. Don’t say it, d-don’t say… …”

 

That you don’t love me, even if it’s a lie, don’t say it.

Don’t say you didn’t love me even once.

I didn’t want to know that, in this world, no one had ever loved me.

No, in truth, I already knew since long ago, but still, I wanted to pretend I didn’t.

 

“My... mother. My, and mine only... mother.”

 

That’s right.

 In reality, she should have been my mother and mine alone.

Until the day, until the moment Silvia was born into this world.

 

“Once is fine, it’s fine even only once, so lie. Tell me… that you love me.”

 

I felt mother’s breath on my palms and heard her groaning voice.

I wanted to hear these words too, but I couldn’t move from that spot, nor could I remove my hands. My only thought was that I had to block her words.

The voice that rejected me sounded like a signal announcing the end of the world.

 

“Mother, mother... do you... love me… …?”

 

In the green eyes, which were wide-opened, I could see the face of a child who had broken down in tears.

I saw her ashen hair and her eyes of the faded color of fallen leaves.

 It was a face that looked terribly familiar.

That figure who kept crying was pitiful, sorrowful, and made my heart ache.

 

 “… … Mother !!!!”

 

That’s why... someone please... save that child.

 

Someone please, save her from that despair.

 

Chapter 33                                                      Chapter 35