Chapter 27

If this is the real end – 10

 

Ultimately, I simply watched my little sister’s entry on stage. As if I was looking at events happening in a distant world. There was nothing to put into words, nothing to interject, I was simply “here” like an ornament.

If this was a stage, I would be applauding at the appearance of the protagonist, but this was an unfortunate reality. I could only watch this too good to be true story unfold before me.

            

There wasn’t any person who would notice that I was looking at this scene. That’s how much of a minor character I was.

However, perhaps I wasn’t even a character in this story, perhaps I was only an onlooker.    

 

“I heard that Lord Soleil was having lunch with someone.”

 

Silvia, who suddenly appeared in the cafeteria, shyly declared this while lowering her eyes.

 

“Oh, I see! When you heard Soleil was eating with someone else, you came to see that woman’s face!!”

 

I thought this cheerful voice somewhat sounded like it was acting out a play. Saion’s piercing voice echoed in the dining hall, gathering all eyes on us.

In spite of saying the same things as Silvia, didn’t the way he phrased it give a different meaning? Although his words could be taken as unpleasant sarcasm, if you examined his expression, you would know there wasn’t such a thing and he was simply teasing her.

As the target of his prank was Silvia, an awfully charming scene was displayed in front of our eyes.

 

“…N-no, that’s wrong, I-I was…”

 

The cheeks of Silvia, who denied Saion’s words with her head hanging down, were bright red. Somewhere inside the cafeteria, voices mixed with sighs exclaiming “so cute!” leaked out.

Indeed, my little sister was very adorable. Better yet, it seemed she even charmed people of the same sex.

When seeing Silvia’s appearance, the people around us would relax and smile. Even if those people didn’t know her. She had something that made people want to protect her.

            

From the moment Silvia appeared, I had been severed from “this world.” This world where Silvia and Soleil, as well as Saion existed, was separated from me by a glass window and the other side I was in became overshadowed.

I slowly breathed in and out, grasping my fingers tightly.

If I raised my fist, surely, I could break that glass. If I employed force, then it wouldn’t be hard to enter the other side of this window.

But I would be the only one hurt by the splinters of the broken glass. They would surely criticize me for getting in the way of their rest, of their enjoyment. I would be the only one hurt by their thoughtless words, they wouldn’t even notice how they injured me.

            

I pressed my lips that almost drew an arc unconsciously and looked at them as if nothing had happened.

The three of them, who didn’t notice my gaze, were laughing as if this incident was really amusing. In the first place, it was impossible for Soleil to have lunch with an unknown girl of doubtful origin.

 

“But I’m truly glad. That the one you were with was big sister.”  

 

Walking to the chair beside me, Silvia, who had bent her knees to peer into my expression, narrowed her eyes. Even though she had realized the one sitting opposite to Soleil was me, was there really any meaning in expressively confirming my face?

Silvia’s cold breath grazed my cheek. She looked truly relieved from the bottom of her heart, and with a smile, she innocently removed her line of sight.

That Soleil was eating with another person, Silvia wasn’t concerned if it was me. That was surely the case. When she said she was glad I was the one there, her words only carried this meaning.

Because the one who would have been hurt if Soleil had been having lunch with another girl would be Silvia. So, she was probably thinking it was great that Soleil’s partner for lunch was me.

            

Originally, the one who should have been hurt was Soleil’s fiancée, me. But it wasn’t like Silvia was worried about me. Imagining a scene where Soleil was eating with another girl, was no more than an unnecessary worry.

Silvia was finally starting to comprehend the significance in this academy of a man eating with a woman who wasn’t his fiancée.

            

When she realized that the person of the opposite sex who was eating with Soleil was me, Silvia was relieved. That’s what she told us. I wasn’t a person she needed to be on guard against.

She instinctively perceived this. I wasn’t a person worth being cautious of. She might not be aware of who Soleil had feelings for. However, she knew he didn’t have any for me.

            

… … Ah, why? Why could I understand Silvia’s feelings so well?

We will never get close. There was no future where we both lived. 

 

“… How about sitting down with us?”

 

As if to fill the momentary silence, Soleil’s calm voice resounded. It was a pleasant and kind voice. To other people, it probably sounded like the same voice as always.

But today, only I realized he was different from usual.

 

He was different from usual, different from his usual impassible attitude.

 

My fingers that were holding a fork were faintly trembling, but I tightened my grip so that no one would be able to realize it. Because I thought it would be unbearable to let others misunderstand the noise I made in the middle of the meal for sounds made out of anger, like how it happened in the distant past.

As there was a third party, Saion, here today, I was dealing with the situation even more calmly than usual. The eyes of outsiders always reminded me of my duty. The position of being the fiancée of the marquis’ heir always forced me to “act.”

Showing a composed expression even if I didn’t have any composure, pretending to be serene even if I was feeling shaken, not showing I was grieving when I was overcome with anguish, all of that in order to do the proper thing as a noble lady.

It wasn’t that hard as I had played that role any number of times in my accumulated lives.

That’s why I should have succeeded in making a smile that no one would be able to see through and perceive my real emotions.

            

I also returned a smile to Silvia who laughed from the bottom of her heart and thanked us, “Thank you for inviting me.”

There was a kind of composure in her voice as she lowered her head in embarrassment.

 

“Is your physical condition already fine?”

 

I asked her this question but something was surely wrong with the words I chose.

Hearing me, Silvia nodded her head and started to say something too, “… Yes, hum, is big sister too…” She was probably concerned about the incident that happened yesterday evening.

But the fact I almost drowned in the bath was supposed to remain a confidential matter.

Therefore, Silvia also immediately realized her verbal slip and quickly exclaimed “Ah!” in a flustered tone before shaking her head.

Then, with an apologetic expression, she muttered in a mosquito voice “I’m sorry.” Her pitiable appearance as she shrank her body made Soleil’s face contort in a grim expression for a split second. His eyes that swiftly moved to look at my face, even though they knew nothing of our circumstances, felt like they silently condemned me.

Pretending I didn’t notice his glare, I said, “It is fine, Silvia. Do not worry.”

However, I couldn’t erase the unpleasant mood that had fallen on our table.    

 

“What is it? What happened?” As expected, the one who gleefully took the bait was Saion.

Silvia awkwardly raised her head and laughed as if she was embarrassed, “No, it’s nothing.”

“If you say that, it’ll make me all the more curious, you know?” Saion pushed Soleil to get his approval, repeating “Right, right?” while suggestively curving his lips in a twist.

“… It is really nothing.” When I strengthened my tone intending to back up Silvia, for some reason, the one who showed a reaction was the person herself.

“I’m sorry, elder sister,” she said as she made her delicate body smaller and smaller.

It wasn’t like I was mean to her, so why was she making such an expression? But mysteriously, as I was watching her little face, Saion rebuked, “Hey, hey, don’t make that kind of expression.”

Even though I understood his words were clearly directed at me, I didn’t remember having shown an expression that would justify receiving such a scolding.

I wondered if I looked like I was scowling. But naturally, I didn’t have that intention. That’s why, if it had been the me of a while ago, I would probably have lost my cool and even objected. That being blamed while I hadn’t done anything was too unreasonable.

But now I knew that if I were to do such a thing, the one who would receive a drawback would be me.

I repeatedly inhaled and exhaled small breaths to spit out the lumps of heat that had accumulated inside my stomach and dropped my eyes.

I thought I had no other choice but to escape from the gaze of my surroundings.     

           

At the corner of my vision, Soleil was elegantly moving his fork and knife. He wasn’t showing any interest in our conversation. No, that’s not it. He probably didn’t have any interest in “me.”

          

“Hey Soleil, you want to know too, right?” To Saion, who was acting lively, Soleil’s calm voice answered, “Be quiet. If you’re like this, Silvia won’t be able to enjoy her meal.”

As every last word of his was spoken out of concern for Silvia, this time I couldn’t restrain my laugher.

Soleil noticed the puffing that escaped my lips. It’s only at times like this that he was sharp-sighted.

 

“Ilya?”

 

Every time he called my name, my heart tightened a little. In one of my past lives, he never called out my name even once.

I had been drowned in jeers, called “hateful,” told I would “never be forgiven” and my heart had been smashed by a stabbing glare.

I remember his figure very well. Even though the things I couldn’t remember were numerous, only the scene of Soleil rejecting me was engraved in my memory.

Even if I didn’t want to remember, no matter how much I wanted to forget, I always remembered it.

            

When I smiled despite the overwhelming emotions that made me feel nauseated, it irremediably became a painful expression of mixed tears and smile.

The moment I raised my face, I met eyes with Soleil. At that instant, he promptly turned his eyes away. As if nothing had happened.

I think it was the right reaction. It was his usual self. Unlike the time he was alone with Silvia, now he was no different from usual.

But I saw him react like this and was surprised by the fact he didn’t throw any cruel word at me. Really, the one who was abnormal was me.

 

“And so? What the hell happened?”

 

Not having given up yet, Saion was gazing at Silvia with his body leaning forward.

I told him, “Do not bother that child too much please.” It was almost an unconscious action.

I didn’t have anything in mind when I spoke up. I had simply seen Silvia frowning slightly.

I only showed a reaction to that face that aroused an absolute desire to protect.

But the one who reacted to my voice was a student sitting at the table next to ours. From who knew when, it seemed he had been listening to our conversation.

 

“… As the rumors said, she’s a fierce woman.”

 

The voice felt like its owner spoke up unconsciously. And precisely because of that, I understood it was his true thoughts. He didn’t seem to be talking to someone else, rather it sounded like he was speaking to himself, and the voice scattered and dispersed in the cafeteria.

But it resounded vividly in my ears. Because I knew they were words directed towards me. Everyone was sensitive to words filled with malice directed at themselves.

I glanced at Soleil’s, Saion’s and Silvia’s faces to see if they had noticed it, but their attention had already shifted to something else.

Such nonchalant attitudes seemed to be saying they didn’t care the slightest about me. Once again, the world was torn in two.

 

“… Ilya?”

 

The break would end in around five minutes when Soleil noticed my unusual behavior.

Although he didn’t even show the slightest sign of awareness towards me, who stayed silent until now, I guess he couldn’t help but call out to his fiancée who had been hanging her head down when his line of sight fell on her on a whim. That’s probably it.

 He had been like this from long ago. He would always continue to be my “proper fiancé.”

 

“No, it is nothing…”

 

And I will continue to be a convenient fiancée for him.

 

I’ll continue while knowing it’s an empty and fruitless relationship devoid of any salvation.

Even my willpower to change something has been shaved off, I can only accept the reality.

What on earth has my previous self accomplished?  And the one before her? What about the one from even before? Have I, in any of my lives, managed to achieve anything at all?

In order to be with Soleil, or maybe, in order to prepare for my unreasonable death, I tried to live but... This, did it have any meaning at all?

 

No matter what, why, and how I did things, I could never get Soleil’s heart.

Even though I realized it a long time ago…

 

I was unable to forget the little hand extended towards me.

 

Soleil’s hand was surely a reed, a grass, a twig, the root of a tree. It was floating on the surface of the water, and I desperately grabbed it. You could say that for me, who was drowning at the bottom of the river, I had no other choice but to cling and rely on it.

Even if, despite seizing it, it didn’t mean I could get my head above the water. After all, it wasn’t like I had received something that would pull me up.

Still, I, who kept struggling, couldn’t help but clutch onto something. I don’t know if I maybe wanted to be saved. But because I was awfully terrified at the thought of sinking alone…. I carefully wrapped both hands around the leaves of the small, small grass that were embracing my chest.

Even though I felt that something important was reflected beyond the other side of the water. My consciousness will disappear while I’ll be unable to judge what it was.

 

After all, it was better like this. It was better to not know anything…it’s better… this way.

 

Chapter 26                                                         Chapter 28

Chapter 25

If this is the real end – 8

 

In a story, there is always a theme. If we compare this strange life to a story, I wonder what the theme would be? And what kind of lesson was included in it?

 

 

 

“Al, do you know this book?”

 

When I showed him a book I quietly pulled out from under my pillow, Al dexterously raised one of his eyebrows and tilted his head.

Maybe he thought it was a little unsatisfactory for a daughter of a noble family to read this neither thick nor thin book. However, its readability was probably one of the reasons it became popular even among members of high society, regardless of their rank.

As there weren’t many characters, the human relationships weren’t complicated. Only the love story between the princess of the neighboring country and a knight was developed.

 

“Of course, I know it, but…”

 

What about it? Al glanced at the book I was holding while making an overly serious expression that showed his doubts.

Because that book became a hot topic of conversation among nobles for a while, as the subordinate of an aristocrat, it wasn’t strange for him to know it.

We hadn’t talked about it, but he probably had at least heard the title.

 

“Is something wrong with this book?”

 

Al, who was standing too far away to reach the book, took one step forward and looked at the novel I presented.

He seemed to hesitate about whether or not it was alright for him to receive it. His right hand hung out in the air a short while before it returned to its original position without taking the book. 

 

“I wonder if you have ever read this book, Al?”

 

When I asked him, as expected he shook his head to answer negatively.

After I briefly told him the outline, he replied “Oh, it is that kind of story…” while nodding his head with an uninterested expression.

Marianne had also been like this, but it still became popular in high society and people who showed the same reaction as Al were few.

 

“And so, what is so special about this book?”

 

The princess of the neighboring country and a mere knight, those two main characters, who would normally never have been wedded to each other, transformed the story into a magnificent romance. It was a romantic tale whose contents were all over the place.

Although those two characters were confronted with a harsh destiny, in this country, there were many nobles who had never been wedded together due to the difference in social rank. If you picked them up one by one, you would surely find an even more dramatic story.

That’s why Al couldn’t find any interest in the content of this novel. Rather, he seemed to be suspicious of the book itself, doubting if there wasn’t any trick to it. His blue eyes were zealously staring at the front and back covers.

However, there was nothing special about that book. Nothing was different from the one you could usually purchase in a general bookstore. It was an item that could be obtained the next day after requesting it from our usual supplier.

Suffice to say, as a romance novel, its cover was very plain.

 

“… This book, you see, belongs to father.”

 

I tried to prevent my voice from trembling. But I didn’t think I did a good job at it.

The words tinged with an unsettledness surpassing what I had imagined, left a reverberation in the room that had fallen silent.

Even though I intended to pretend to be calm, suddenly, my fingers lost their strength. The book felt on the carpet with a thud, its pages were turned even while there was no wind.

As I was about to reflexively move to pick it up, with his gaze Al held me back and did it himself with natural movements. I remained lying on the bed, simply staring at the book that fit in his palm.

It was at that moment I noticed my own hands were shaking. I released the breath I had unintentionally held. My heart, which should have calmed down, was slightly pounding.

Was it really alright to continue like this and narrate the truth? Suddenly, I realized I was afraid and shut my mouth.

 

“It belongs to master?”

 

Al’s voice was tinged with doubt, probably because he knew that person wouldn’t give me something like that.

In those repeating lives of mine, in this lifetime that wasn’t that long, the things father gave me were few. If I thought about it, the necklace I received the year of my social debut was the only item I could declare having received from father.

As for other things… … such as the books needed for my education as a lady, the dress I wore when invited to another house, or the ornaments handed over through mother, in the first place, I didn’t think father had been involved with them.

Mother had delivered them personally, saying “your father gifted them to you,” but the truth was probably different. She probably pitied me who never received anything and said this.

And so, mother wouldn’t know what this romance novel was, and father wouldn’t give it to me.

Al also knew this. As my escort, he had noticed the unnaturalness of my swallow relation with father.

 

When I said in a low voice to the frowning Al, “I stole it,” he opened his eyes wide in an interesting reaction.

Since his expression was so different from his usual face, I burst into laugher unintentionally, a disgraceful chuckle rising from the depth of my throat.

 

“… Lady…”

 

Seeing me react like this, I guess he thought I was teasing him. With a hint of protest mixed in his voice, he peered into my eyes.

 

“… It is the truth, you know.”

 

I really stole it, I repeated it again, lifting myself properly from the bed this time.

Compared to earlier, I felt that most of my weariness had faded. Now that it was no longer the time to laugh and dodge the issue, Al silently swallowed his breath.

 Stealing one’s own father’s possessions was not something that should be done. Other families aside, in our house, it wasn’t permitted. To say nothing of the fact the offender wasn’t Silvia but me. If father were to learn of it, he would condemn me without allowing me any room to explain myself.

No, maybe the word “condemn” was a bit too much. However, I would be abused with cold-hearted words like, “I don’t remember raising such a daughter,” and I would likely be locked up in my room. He would give me an inconspicuous punishment so that it wouldn’t become known by outsiders.

But if Silvia had been the offender, there was no doubt he would have laughed and forgiven her, saying something like, “this helpless child, what will I do with you?” And it would stop at him gently rebuking her, “keep your pranks to a moderate level.”

Did he trust that child this much, or did he just simply suspect I was a harmful existence for this house? Although I imagined various possibilities such as this one, in the end, I knew nothing.

 

“Lady, can I hear your reasons for doing this?”      

 

Not daring to approach the topic of me stealing things, Al looked at the book.

He was pondering strongly with his head tilted to the side, probably because no matter where he looked, there was no trace of the mechanism he had expected to find.

Did he think of the possibility of hollowing out the contents to hide something precious inside? But very few people would use such a classic method.

“There is no trick to it you know,” when I repeated this once again with a smile, Al moved his line of sight to observe me instead. He seemed to be wanting an answer to his question.

 

“… Reasons, a reason you ask…”

 

However, I didn’t have an answer when asked “why?” It could be said I had found this book by mere coincidence, or that I was led to discover it by something.

I felt that I had been driven by some circumstances and guided by a great force, and as a result, “I couldn’t help but find it.”

Probably no one knew the answer. If someone did know, then it would only be the being called God.

 

“I am sorry Al. I cannot tell you. So, I would be happy if you did not ask me.”

 

As I shook my head in refusal, he narrowed his eyes which were like the color of a deep sea. This gesture was like trying to ascertain something far away.

 

“… No, it is also I who was too intrusive.”

 

I smiled wryly seeing my escort with his head lowered in a slightly depressed state.

Perhaps he was truly perceiving that he “had been too intrusive.” The one in the wrong wasn’t Al, but I couldn’t tell him everything here and now.

 For that reason, I laughed and glossed over the issue, “It is fine, I am also sorry.”

As usual, Al answered, “There is no need for my lady to apologize” with his gaze still lowered.

He himself was surely quite sick of repeating this sentence, yet each time I apologized, he kept saying those same words.

He hasn’t changed since long ago. From long, long before, without any change, he has tried to be my escort knight.

           

The first time I found this book was in one of my past lives; it truly happened by chance then.

I, who had already been married to Soleil, was visiting my parents’ house to ask father’s advice about territory management.

However, in spite of having made an appointment in advance, father was absent. When I asked the steward, he unapologetically explained that in order to help the feeble Silvia to recuperate, he, mother and Silvia had headed for a villa in the suburbs.

After being asked if father didn’t know I was coming today, the steward laughed with an embarrassed expression that was saying he thought father knew. He lowered his head and added in a forced way that they had seemed to be in a hurry.

In other words, I think he wanted to explain there had been no time to contact me.

I had to desperately gulp down the lump of heat that had welled up in the depth of my throat at that moment. Then, I conducted myself as if I was a broad-minded and very tolerant person and said, “If it is for Silvia’s sake, then it cannot be helped.”

I persuaded myself that I was no longer the young daughter of a noble. I warned myself that this was part of politics, part of my work.

If it wasn’t an interaction between family members, then I won’t be hurt that much.

I should think that a work agreement had been revoked. Therefore, it wasn’t that difficult to fabricate a smile.

The steward, who thought I would surely fly into a rage, smiled and commented, “My lady has also become a magnanimous person.” I didn’t know if it was sarcasm or his true opinion, but I had enough composure to at least thank him.

That was how much experience I had acquired. I wasn’t the me from the time I knew nothing. I understood well what must be done in order to protect myself.

I asserted myself forcibly and thought that despite the fact I could have predicted father’s conduct, I had been negligent in confirming it.

           

After the steward left, I remained alone in the corridor, deep in thoughts as I heaved a sigh.

Why did things always turn this way?

In this corridor devoid of windows, there was nothing else but some flower vases, some wall-decorations and a gloomy silence. Even if you concentrated your sight on it, my shadow was almost invisible.

The scenery wouldn’t change even if it wasn’t here. I gazed at the ceiling, thinking my life might be like this too.

Hoping that a black bird might be lurking there, my line of sight glided over the luxurious candelabrums lined up at regular intervals. 

           

And then, nearly unconsciously, I clutched the door knob of father’s study.

           

It was an unexpected action for my usual self, but for some unknown reason, I felt I had to do this. In fact, the door which should have been locked opened very easily.

Until that moment, I had thought that thick door would have been heavy, yet I remembered it felt light as a feather.

I understood that if me trespassing in the study without father’s permission was discovered, the problem wouldn’t be settled with a simple apology.

But as if another ego had sprouted by itself, my feet developed a will on their own and moved arbitrarily. Rather than feeling I was creeping in, it felt like I “simply entered inside” and I didn’t feel any guilt.

That shrewd father of mine, there was no way he would forget to lock his study. Therefore, regarding the fact it wasn’t locked, it would make sense for it to only be an accidental incident.

Perhaps I felt that the one to blame wasn’t me but the servants.

           

It was at that time I got hold of that novel.

           

In the top right corner of the bookshelf taller than a person.

The book was put away in such a place as if to forget its very existence unless you intended to fetch it voluntarily. In other words, it was in a place where it wouldn’t be seen unless you prepared something like a stepladder.

I didn’t even know why I had noticed such a place. But, as if I felt something was there, I pulled the chair for the guests which was placed in a corner and climbed on it.

Since he had gone to the villa, father wouldn’t appear suddenly. I had already lost the feeling of tension. 

           

… … Why did father have a romance novel?

           

That was the first impression I had of it. He wasn’t a person interested in others’ love stories, much less in a work of fiction. It would probably never even catch his attention.

That was the kind of person my father was. Even I myself, as my maximal priority was to fight against my hapless fate, while I knew that book was popular in high society, I never thought of reading it.

Because I had heard that it was the usual love story between people of different social castes, you could find it everywhere. That’s why, I felt a sense of discomfort with the fact such a book was in father’s study, and while pondering about it, with a tilted head, I turned the pages.

Not even knowing that an important secret was hidden there.

 

“Al, can you open the book at its last page?”

 

Not telling anything, I suddenly asked the confused Al, who was touching the spine of the book with his long fingers, to turn the pages.

He was making a perplexed expression but still followed my order without showing any reluctance in particular. Since it was just a matter of opening the book, it didn’t take any time at all. Then, after a moment of silence…

 

“… … Lady Silvia …?” He squeezed out the name of my little sister.     

 

When I found this book in father’s study, I confirmed its content without delay and heaved a sigh when I saw it was undoubtedly the same as the story I knew. I didn’t know if it was a sigh of relief or discouragement.

Anyway, the weight on my shoulders was removed as there was nothing recorded about the happenings controlling my life. Then, at that time, I found that thing.

 

“Is it a sketch? No, it’s a portrait… isn’t it?”

 

I quietly nodded at Al’s question. That’s right.

That was what was drawn on the white sheet, on the very last page of this novel.

A picture drawn with a messy pen that looked like a scribble. Yet, this image was also accompanied by a pathetic feeling of it being an ephemeral and fleeting dream.

Like Al, I had also thought it was a painting of Silvia. Feeling a bit afraid at how jealous I was of that adored child, I had closed that book.

Even if our mothers were different, the fact that both Silvia and I were father’s daughters wouldn’t change. … … It was how things should have been.

And yet, these really small details showed off the difference in the affection we received, making my heart creak. My fingers which were tracing the book’s back cover were slightly trembling, and from the bottom of my heart, I felt pity for the parents of my first life who had abandoned me.

Pretending to be calm again after having taken a few deep breaths, when I tried to put the book back to its original place … what was the sudden feeling of discomfort I sensed?

I didn’t know what, but I felt that “something” was wrong.

 

“That, you see, Al… this person is not Silvia.”

 

If you open the book once again and look closely from cover to cover, you will derive the answer in due course.

The date, era and father’s name were engraved there.

All the paintings father drew had his signature and the date, it seemed to be a habit of his and it proved it all.

It proved that what was written down here, had been made long, long before Silvia was born.

 

“She isn’t Lady Silvia…? No, but… her face… looks a lot like hers.”

 

The woman on that piece of paper had almost the same face as Silvia. Because she wasn’t drawn in color, it couldn’t be proved it was a different person.

Humans with delicate silver hair like those of Silvia were very rare in this country. If that woman in the drawing had blond hair, just by seeing her, people would have understood she was a different person.

But that woman who was drawn with only dark ink was simply smiling cheerfully like she was gazing at something outside a window.

 

“This is... Silvia’s real… mother.”

 

A date anterior to Silvia’s birth. A face that was similar to hers. The fact that father drew it.

From all these, it wasn’t that hard to deduce the answer.

 

“… Lady Silvia’s mother?”

 

The question was, why was it drawn in this book?

The “me” of that life who discovered this book took it out of father’s study and brought it back to the estate I was living with Soleil.

Then, I hid it inside the dresser in my room. It was after this that I began to act in order to sweep away the doubts that had arisen in my heart.

           

I had to meet the author, to meet them, and talk with them.

           

It wasn’t like I was threatened by someone, yet I still had the sensation I was practically being coerced.

For me, who already had become “the next marquis’ wife” and possessed several connections, I had a few means of tracking down the author, who was living somewhere in this country, so I didn’t think setting up a meeting would be difficult.

Then some time passed, and it happened as expected. It fell on the palm of my hand, like a raindrop falling from a cloudy sky.

The end, which was exactly like I had imagined, was lying in wait.

 

“She is a beautiful person, isn’t she? She looked almost the same as Silvia…”

“This person…”

 

Al heaved a sigh of admiration and astonishment, his gaze fixed on the portrait of the woman.

His blue eyes clearly displayed his curiosity. I couldn’t see any other emotion apart from this one. It made me feel relieved.

If Soleil had been the one looking at that picture, surely, he would have searched for Silvia’s features in that woman drawn in ink. Then, those thin iced eyes of his would slightly loosen and he would smile broadly while his fingers would gently trace the lines of the portrait. Tenderly, as if they were touching Silvia.

Because I could imagine this scene quite clearly, something was wrong with me too.

Or else, had I seen this scene somewhere in one of my lost lives?

 

“But still, it’s mysterious, isn’t it?”

 

Al removed his line of sight from Silvia’s mother and looked at me with a bitter smile.

Then he tilted his head and said,

 

“It’s natural that Lady Silvia’s mother had existed… no, of course it’s natural, but…”

 

It’s somewhat hard to believe, said Al without any ill will nor deeper meaning.

He was simply stating a fact. There were some who were convinced that Silvia, with her weak constitution and whose existence itself was fleeting and ephemeral, wasn’t a real person. They wouldn’t be surprised if they were told she was born from a flower seed.

It certainly felt strange and mysterious that a woman who gave birth to such a Silvia existed.

The first time the “past me” was confronted with this fact, I had also thought the same thing as Al. For that reason, I secretly tried to imagine the person that no one knew about. T

he hair color of the person who was Silvia’s mother. Her eyes, her voice. I wonder if she spoke with that tone, if she made such gestures, with what kind of expression did she embrace Silvia…

… Silvia’s weak constitution, did it come from her blood lineage?

There were many, many things I wanted to ask and to know.

But I won’t get those answers. Because I will never meet Silvia’s mother.

           

On the other hand, there was something I understood without having to do any research.

This book was “father’s book,” but this didn’t indicate who its owner was.

Exactly as stated, I meant this in the literal sense.

           

Inside the book, a certain knight was drawn. A man belonging to a middle-ranked noble family, who fell in love with the princess of the neighboring country… her escort knight.

That was exactly… …

           

My father.

           

When I reached that truth, rather than feeling a shock run through my body, it felt more like both a sudden realization and a feeling of resignation.

Ah, I see. I simply understood.

For our society, it was only a common, morganatic (cross-class) love. But for the people involved, it was the greatest romance of the century.

It was such a dramatic story that it became a book. Although it was presented as a “work of fiction” for the rest of the world, the characters weren’t completely fictional.

However, my mother wasn’t the princess of a neighboring country. It was something I was sure of as her real daughter. And if she wasn’t, it meant the protagonist of this book wasn’t mother.

           

But it was also true that my mother wasn’t born in this country.

 

“… Lady?”

 

As I was completely immersed in my thoughts, Al called out to me with hesitation.

I continued to think while looking at his face. If I wanted to tell him everything, then I had to do it now.

However, by doing so there was a possibility the road ahead would divert greatly.

           

“Alfred is so pitiable. Because he had you as his master, he died.”

           

The words I heard in one of my lives emerged in my mind.

While I hesitated over what I should say, at the moment I slowly opened my mouth…

           

… … Knock, knock.

           

Someone knocked at the door of my room.

 

 Chapter 24                                                     Chapter 26

Nocta’s thought:

Tadadada! And destiny crushes yet another big event for Ilya and Al. But who could that possibly be?

Chapter 26

If this is the real end – 9

 

It was Al who reacted to the dry knocking sound that resounded several times. I guessed he had sensed someone’s presence before the door was knocked.

He gazed at me, seemingly asking me what should be done, but I had no other choice but to nod. I didn’t know who it was but they had probably come while knowing I was inside the room.

But for a short while, Al didn’t move from his spot. As there weren’t any maids right now, only him could open the door.

Looking like he wanted to say something, he curled his lips and heaved a little sigh before speaking in a low voice, “We will continue this later.” He probably wanted to be sure his voice wouldn’t reach the other side of the door.

Then he suddenly closed the book and quietly returned it to me. “Is it alright with you?” He asked to make sure, but I couldn’t answer anything.

Instead, I directed my gaze at the door to urge him to show the visitor in.

For a moment, Al looked displeased, but he didn’t say anything and followed my instructions.

 

“Please, wait a moment.”

I followed his back with my eyes as he turned toward the door while raising his voice.

 

He probably had sensed I would no longer talk about this matter. If I was only able to muster my courage once, it could be said it would have been at that one moment. But I did not do so.

If I was to borrow someone’s help, that person would surely be Al. Now that I had lost the absolute existence that was Crow, speaking of a person I could trust from the bottom of my heart, it was that escort knight.

That’s why, I knew I must cherish him. I was barely holding back my wavering and sinking heart that was about to tumble and fall at Al’s feet.

 

“… … Big sister…”

 

The voice of my lovely little sister called me back from the sea of thoughts I was immersed in.

Her nervous face slightly red, she was standing behind the door opened by Al. I immediately realized she had a fever.

Silvia entered inside the room while walking unsteadily and breathing heavily. The short distance from her room to mine had put her breathing in disorder.

 

“Silvia, you should be resting right now.”

 

When I propelled myself up while calling out to her, Silvia asked with ambiguous words as she threw a fleeting glance toward Al, “It’s the same for you, big sister. I heard you had drowned in the bath…”

Then she suddenly fell silent. It seemed she was hesitating whether it was alright to talk about this here.

Drowning in the bath was due to my own blunder, and if people heard about it, it could become a drawback for me.

If you only looked at that part of her, I thought that child too seemed to be growing properly.

“Al knows so it is fine to speak about it,” when I told her that with a smile, Silvia also released a small sigh and smiled. This ephemeral and fragile face somewhat made my chest ache.

            

She was truly concerned about me. Silvia was very kind. She was pushing herself despite her poor condition to visit her sick older sister. 

 

“Hum… if it is alright with you…”

 

Al supported Silvia’s wavering body until she reached my bed. My little sister, who hung her head, saying “I’m sorry” with her cheek dyed red, was so lovely people couldn’t help but see her in a favorable light. She aroused the desire to protect her in every member of our family.

The scene of my escort knight leading such a feeble girl by the hand was extremely natural and didn’t have the slightest sense of incongruity.

 But somehow, I tilted my head, feeling a kind of discomfort as if something was “wrong.” Something appealed to my intuition that the problem was with those two. Wasn’t the pairing of Silvia and Al wrong? I probably had this feeling because the person beside Silvia wasn’t Soleil.

I suddenly realized I was surprised at myself for having such a thought, and I heaved out the breath I had held unconsciously.

Surprised by how conspicuous my breathing sounded inside the room that had fallen silent again, I shrunk my shoulders. The pain and distress I felt weren’t from my imagination.

 

“Big sister, are you alright?”

 

My little sister, who had approached within a reaching distance when I wasn’t paying attention, took my hand in hers. This gentle action made me feel dizzy.

I, being the lamentable coward I was, couldn’t grasp that hand.

 

“Yes, I am fine, do not worry.”

 

I answered while shaking my head, but my own voice sounded like those of a stranger. It felt like a voice without emotion.

However, Silvia didn’t seem to notice and smiled lightly.

 

“… This, it's a decoction mother had infused for me.”

 

She gently presented me a small bottle, holding it out like it was a treasure. Then putting on airs like she was very satisfied with herself, she placed it in my hand.

Light brown leaves were jammed to the brink inside the glass bottle.

“It doesn’t… taste very good though.” She laughed and smiled like a mischievous child, adding “keep it a secret from mother, ok?” while she put her index finger on her lips. “It’s supposed to have the effect of warming up the body.”

As she explained the effects, she tenderly stroked my arm. Her fingers were barely touching my skin, stroking it with the softness of feathers.

 

“Silvia?”

 

 My little sister, whose gaze had dropped on her own fingers, suddenly raised her head.

“Ah, sorry. You seemed cold, that’s why…” She distanced her hands.

I lost that warmth too abruptly and almost unconsciously chased after those fingers. Perhaps I didn’t want to lose this gentleness that was offered with unselfishness.

Opening her eyes wide, Silvia grabbed back my hand without hesitation.

            

I knew that it was these hands that would rob me of everything.

But at the same time, I remembered, in the past, it was the same hands that had protected me.

           

… … That’s all?

          

I felt that Crow was laughing. Laughing that I would tolerate and forgive her for everything, just because of that.

 

*************************

 

The next day, by some kind of fate, I happened to meet Soleil in the corridor of the academy.

 

“… Once in a while, wouldn’t you eat together with me?”

 

Even if he invited me without relaxing his stiff expression, as we were in front of outsiders, I couldn’t decline. Because he was the heir of a marquis house, as his fiancée there was no way I could say, “I don’t want to.”

If we had been alone, it wouldn’t have been embarrassing for him, but at any rate right now, we were in the middle of the corridor. Several students happened to be passing by and they were straining their ears to hear my words.

And more than anything. As the man standing a bit behind Soleil was staring fixedly at me, I couldn’t show the slightest carelessness. He wasn’t the friend who was always around Soleil.

It was quite unusual and I also shouldn't have crossed paths with them. Yet my eyes had met with Soleil’s as he seemed to be looking for me unexpectedly.

Usually, I lowered my gaze and concealed my presence to not be found out by him, yet for some reason, today I saw him. And it wasn’t only Soleil who noticed me despite my caution.   

 

“… Is she your rumored fiancée?”

 

Stepping forward with a big smile on his face, Saion approached us. He pretended it was the first time meeting me and slyly asked this question while tilting his head obliquely.

In those dark colored pupils of his, a light was glowing and he was comparing both of our faces as though they were very interesting.

I didn’t know what the conversation between Saion and me would look like in the eyes of a third party. Would someone notice we were already acquainted with each other?

If we were meeting for the first time here, then like anyone who was from a noble family, I had to past a smile on my face and give my greetings. No matter how agonizing it was.

When I slightly bent my knees, Saion imperceptibly raised his eyebrow and curved his lips as if what he was seeing seemed interesting.

He looked like he was about to let a laugh escape his mouth and was enduring it.

 

“It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I am called Ilya Il Martisse.”

 

From the standpoint of the fiancée of Soleil, eldest child of the marquis house, it wasn’t appropriate to assume a humble attitude when meeting people for the first time.

Although giving out your name first showed you were of a lower social status, there was no need to abase myself more than that.

I had to pay the greatest caution so as to not bring shame on Soleil’s family name. With just this, my own position from now on could change.

As I had already guessed that Saion was a higher aristocrat from another country, I intended to be especially careful.

Meanwhile, Soleil was silently watching over what I did, not answering Saion’s question “is she your fiancée?” nor supplementing my self-introduction by confirming that it was indeed me.

It probably meant he had no intention of introducing me as his fiancée. Or because it was a well-known fact, did he think there was no need to expressly explain it here?

 

“Nice to meet you, young lady. My name is Saion Topias.”

 

There wasn’t any malice on his grinning face, but calling me “young lady” was a boorish manner of speaking. It could be taken as if he was looking down on me.

It was an expression used by a man in the prime of his life to address a younger woman, in other words, it wasn’t a salutation exchanged between a man and a woman close in age.

If this was an evening party, it would be a sign of showing contempt for someone.

However, he was someone from another country. He may not be used to our way of speaking yet. … It was probably better to think this way.

It wasn’t like I had alluded to this topic here, but it was a fact he had revealed himself previously. In such a case, I wondered what kind of attitude was the correct answer. 

           

But then at that moment, I noticed that a piercing gaze was directed at me.

 

“… Lord Soleil?”

 

Because I had unintentionally whispered, I quickly swallowed my breath.

Soleil, who was looking in my direction from Saion’s side, probably had the same expression as me. It was somewhat laughable that the both of us were surprised, but I bet I was surely not in his sight.

Although Saion was looking around as if he wanted to say something, Soleil had already regained his calm and shook his head with his usual unreadable expression. Nothing was expressed in those thin-iced eyes of his. 

Well, I guess it doesn’t matter, said Saion as he laughed lightly. “Then, shall we go?” he added, seemingly intending to sit with us.

He started walking. The people around us were openly gazing at Soleil and I, who remained behind.  While being exposed to these uncomfortable gazes, I looked up at Soleil who stood beside me.

Then, Soleil, who was looking towards me as before, turned in gaze away without saying anything. He was prompting me with his eyes to follow after Saion, but the truth was, I was at a loss about where I should sit. I had not even replied to Soleil who offered to eat together.

            

I stared at his back as he was walking a few steps ahead of me. He wasn’t waiting for my answer.

 

“It’s fine to take your time, so tell me, alright?”

 

With a gentle gaze, with a whispering voice, Soleil had said this to my little sister. I had certainly heard it, but I couldn’t remember when it was. It might have been during the tea party, or it might have been on another occasion. But it probably wasn’t important.

Silvia, who said something with her reddened cheeks, and Soleil, who looked at her with a loving gaze. His eyes seemed to be saying he unquestionably preferred my little sister’s reserved attitude.

I, who was outside of their field of vision but definitively not at a faraway distance, concealed my breathing.

At that time, I already knew I mustn’t get in their way and disturb the two of them.

            

On that day I was introduced as his fiancée, in the garden, Soleil had been waiting for me to catch up to him. The image of him waiting without urging me surfaced on the back of my eyelids.

The him, who had slightly loosened his lips and smiled at the moment I finally caught up, was nowhere to be found now.

 

“That reminds me, I haven’t seen you around much. Where do you usually have lunch?”

 

We secured a table for four people, and Soleil and I sat facing each other. Saion was sitting next to Soleil. I didn’t know if this alignment was correct or not.

I unavoidably started to wonder, if it had been Silvia, where would she have sat? 

 

“… Are there any places where you can have lunch apart from the cafeteria?”

 

Even though he already knew the answer, Saion maliciously asked this nasty question while making a truly mysterious expression.

This person who was easily deceiving the people around him, was he Soleil’s friend? I felt he would be both dreadful and reliable.

 

“Usually, I take it in the courtyard…”

 

As I answered, I showed an ambiguous smile. If you were a considerate person, you would discontinue this topic here, but Saion didn’t seem to be reading the air and continued, “Do you have lunch with your friends?”

Asking about something he already ought to know, it probably had a deeper meaning.

As I didn’t understand what his objective was, I could only continue to answer his question.

“No, I am always alone.” Although I said this with the intention of implying it wasn’t a big deal,

 

“… … By yourself?”

 

The one who showed a reaction was Soleil.

“Y-yes, that is right.” I was greatly taken aback. My eyes opened wide.

Because Soleil had shown some interest in me. My body temperature rose suddenly.

It was laughable how discomposed I became just by this. I also knew that Saion was intently observing such a foolish me.

However, I couldn’t keep up my appearance, my heart was helplessly feeling exhilarated.

Even though I was thinking I was acting like an idiot, a smile naturally rose to my lips.

 

“… In that case, when our schedules correspond, let’s eat together.”  

 

In the cafeteria bursting with the noise of conversation, Soleil’s voice stood out.

I wondered if I hadn’t heard him wrong, but I realized it was unlikely for him to repeat himself.

So, I just stared at his face fixedly. I thought he would correct his words, saying it was a slip of the tongue.

However, he didn’t say anything, his eyes simply reflected my own face. As if he was waiting for an answer, in the meantime, he gulped down.

As if I had received an unthinkable request, or had been offered a business deal, my back strengthened tensely.

Saion destroyed that atmosphere in an instant with the laugher he didn’t intend to conceal. 

 

“Even though you are engaged, something is strange.”

 

It’s strange to be that nervous, he continued. Then, as if he couldn’t bear it, he laughed again. “You almost look like strangers.”

However, his voice didn’t contain any laugher, it was indifferently announcing facts.

And I couldn’t deny his words, I even reflexively agreed with him. The feeling of distance between us had not narrowed at all since the day we met.

That day I was running after his little back, I believed without any doubt that someday I would stand beside him and see the same scenery.

However, reality wasn’t as sweet. We were never facing the same direction, nor could my wish of seeing the same panorama come true.

How could I have predicted that the day he would look at another woman than me would come?

 

“Shut up, Saion.”

 

Soleil threw a fleeting glance at the person sitting beside him and declared this in a cold voice.

I was the only one whose shoulders jolted in surprise. Saion spread open both of his hands, answering without any concern, “yes, yes” as he pretended to surrender.

It was probably a normal conversation for two friends. The one who wasn’t used to it, was just me.

“… Ilya.” When my name was called as if he was pressing me for an answer, I could only agree, “Yes, I guess.” In the end, I had no objection to having lunch together as it was “if our schedules correspond.”

I thought it was the correct conduct a fiancée should take. If there was no little sister there.

 

“Then, we must also invite Silvia, right?”

 

I couldn’t see Saion’s maliciousness as he cut in between us while smiling. …

I was pretending I couldn’t see it. I felt the question Saion threw towards Soleil and I wandered in the air. The one who will receive and answer it will probably be Soleil.

Even I understood it wasn’t a good idea to answer “no” there. If I was a “nice older sister” to Silvia, then I should agree to Saion’s proposal.

Soleil saw me receiving Saion’s gaze on my whole body and yet being unable to say anything, he couldn’t remain indifferent and inhaled a small breath.

Then, he accepted it as if it was truly nothing important, “Yes, indeed.”

I, who was listening to his voice as I pretended it was someone else’s business, I wonder how I looked in the eyes of the people around us?

When I suddenly raised my head, at the end of my line of sight, Saion was there, his eyes scrutinizing me. It looked like a smiling expression, as if he was trying to ascertain something. It was an expression you would often see in high society.

That’s why I also simply returned a smile.

 

“… By the way, Saion, I have a question for you if you don’t mind.” 

 

Soleil changed the topic of the conversation quite casually. He slightly dropped his voice and started whispering with Saion. Even so, sometimes, a smile would float on his lips for a moment, so it seemed their conversation wasn’t particularly serious. From a few words I barely heard, I guessed it probably was about the internal affairs of the knight department.

Even during a lunch where I was wondering if we were probing each other or not, while they were frivolously bragging about various things, their discussion gave off a feeling of frankness.

Because the two of them held an important peerage, in the academy they were in a position to be attended to by people from the same department.

            

Even if they didn’t order, when they took a seat, an eye-catching meal would be served. It was a lavish meal made for aristocrats.

Now that I thought about it, it was the first time I was having lunch together with Soleil in the cafeteria. In all those accumulating lives of mine, in all this time that repeated itself, being invited for a meal, being promised to do it again, it was the first time for all of them.

The reason my back was trembling, was surely because of the chills I felt. Even though time passed normally, I was driven by impatience and uneasiness, as if someone was chasing after me. It felt like many pitch-black hands were crawling like worms, trying to seize my back.   

           

Run away, run away, run away, yet it was a fate I couldn’t escape from.

 

“… Lord Soleil?”

 

The sudden appearance of my little sister was like a plot, it was like one of the small incidents in the big course of events. 

As expected, I had no other choice but to watch it unfold. The face of Soleil, who had raised his head abruptly, was of a different color than before. Those pale colored eyes of his had melted in a second and showed a strong emotion.

That’s right, it was like usual. I didn’t think anyone had noticed it.

If you were to wink once and observe him again, you would think it was a misunderstanding as he was already making an unimpressed expression.

            

At once, I swallowed my voice that was about to call his name.

Had I called him, I wouldn’t have known what to say.

 

Chapter 25                                                              Chapter 27