Chapter 58

 8 – The End of The End – 4

 

Translator’s note:

I usually don’t put notes at the beginning of a chapter. But if you aren’t a native English speaker, this picture might help you understand which parts of the pocket watch are described in this chapter. Enjoy

Source : https://www.uniformwares.com/what-is-the-crown-of-a-watch/

  

I got on the carriage that was waiting nearby and let out a big sigh. The fact that my lips were trembling wasn’t the fruit of my imagination.

When I closed my eyes, I couldn’t help but remember a lot of things. The more you tried to forget things, the more you recalled them. And so, it was inevitable for me to think of Maurice, whom I had said farewell to just a moment ago.

 

I made way too many cruel memories in my repeated lives. If you asked me whether the steward left a strong impression among them, the answer would be no.

... ... ...However, when I carefully thought back on it, I realized that he was actually indirectly my ally. 

 

He didn’t demonstrate it clearly, but when something happened, he pretended to completely side with my parents while trying to prevent me from being blamed... didn’t he?

For example, in this life, when I tried to prevent my mother’s suicide and father accused me of being the one who hurt her. It was certainly the steward who picked up the knife mother had used to slit her own neck and showed it to father. 

 

That’s not all. He was also the one who brought Silvia there.

 

Maurice called the doctor who was looking after Silvia to have me examined as I was injured. 

At that time, Silvia came along with the doctor on her own initiative.

However, maybe Maurice purposely brought that child with him.

 

That day, I was in a so-called state of agitation, my violent emotions overwhelmed me and I cried out loud my true feelings that had been buried deep in my heart until now.

I asked why no one would love me. I was so stirred up emotionally that, had things continued like this, I don’t know what other words I would have left escaping from my mouth. I might have poured out my pent-up resentment and grudge against my parents, or maybe even uttered profanities that make one want to cover their ears.

But that would have been betraying myself. That would have been the same as denying all the efforts I had earnestly made to become a lady... ... ...denying all my lives up until now.

 

I can’t also exclude the possibility that father or mother would have said something that would have driven me into a corner again.

I’m just imagining these possibilities, but to sum them up, it wouldn’t have been strange if someone had said something back then.

The person who appeared at that time was Silvia. Thanks to the voice of that child who didn’t read the room, thanks to my little sister who appeared as if she was gently drifting in the air, father regained a little bit of his composure. I can still hear her gentle voice.

 

However, for me, it was something really saddening. It’s a fact that the craze of that place, which was in a state of excitement, vanished with my little sister’s entrance.

Maybe if Maurice truly cared even a little bit about me... Then maybe, I think he brought Silvia for my sake. I ended up thinking that. 

 

“... No, it is impossible. It is ridiculous...”

 

Everything was nothing more than mere speculation. Just fantasies. A vain pipe dream filled with wishes such as “it would have been great if it had been true.”

No one could read what’s in other people’s hearts.

 

“Ilya? Are you alright?”

 

When he called out to me, I realized that before I knew it, we were now quite far away from the Matisse’s mansion.

 

“Are you feeling unwell?”

 

Crow looked at me with a worried expression. Just before getting on the carriage, he retook his human form to tell our destination to the coachman, but once again I was kept in the dark.

 

“...It is about Maurice. I do not know how to come to terms with it...”

 

“Ah, that butler, right?” said Crow with a childish look on his face, as he nodded with an I-know-it-all expression.

 

“Isn’t it okay to forget him? After all, you’ll never see him again.”

 

It was a really simple-minded answer.

 

“Yes, that is right. Certainly so.”

 

However, something didn’t feel right. Even if it was alright to think like this, it weighted on my mind.

Crow was a stark contrast to me.

 

“...Ah! Speaking of which, you received a watch earlier, no? Can you show it to me?”

 

When Maurice handed me the pocket watch, I was surprised at how beautiful the engravings were.

I placed the silver watch on my palm. It didn’t seem to have any fingerprints on it. There were a few scratches but you could see it was carefully polished.

It was a very ordinary and plain pocket watch with a long chain.

 

“This, it’s broken.”

 

“... Eh?”

 

I noticed it for the first time when he pointed out the dial. The second hand of the clock was going back and forth to the same place. In other words, it wasn’t progressing.

I thought it was acting strangely, as if it had stopped marking the passage of time.

 

“But that shouldn’t be the case. Maurice often looked at this watch to check the time.”

 

“Then, maybe it broke down recently? Or else, was he looking at a broken watch?”

 

“...No one would use a broken watch. They would just buy a new one.”

 

These days, you could find pocket watches at a reasonable price. Even servants could purchase one without difficulty.

 

“What kind of joke would it be if he asked you to convert a broken watch into money?”

 

I looked at Crow who was laughing. There was nothing I could read from his expression. He was simply smiling.

 

“...It is fine. From the beginning I did not intend to sell it.”

 

A broken watch wouldn’t be worth much, and it was even unlikely that I could sell it.

 

“Why? If we are going on a trip, won’t we need money? I can’t even secure us lodging. Should we camp outside? Well, that could be fun in its own way but...”

 

I was about to answer when the carriage shook violently. Almost biting my tongue, I unconsciously closed my mouth.

 

“...That’s a joke. Actually, I’ve got an idea, so it’s alright.”

 

Gazing at my face, Crow caressed my hair. Since our reunion, he has stayed overly close to me.

I rarely came that close to other people, let alone the opposite sex. I always kept an appropriate sense of distance, as it was etiquette.

The only exception was at evening parties where I danced with Soleil. While I closed the distance, I was also careful not to touch his body as much as possible. Because I thought he hated me.

 

“Anyway, about this watch. It’s broken, but... that’s not the problem.”

 

Crow, who was gazing at the dial, tapped the glass surface with his finger. Then he brought the watch close to his ear and shook it lightly.

 

“...As I thought.”

 

After nodding to himself, he put it on his palm and brought it to me. I followed his gaze and looked at the pocket watch that perfectly fit in his palm.

He easily pulled out the crown of the watch and removed the glass covering the dial.

 

“Eh.”

 

I didn’t really know how it worked or if the latch had become loose, but the dial and the hands indicating the time were exposed. Crow continued to push the dial with his finger.

At some point, the carriage had started to run on an unpaved road. Because of it, it shook a lot. I flopped onto Crow, who was supporting my shoulders, and gazed at the dismantled watch. The mechanism of the clock appeared under the removed dial.

 

There. Inside the gaps between the small parts that were assembled intricately, brightly colored stones were inlaid.

 

“... What? What are they?”

 

Those were the words that escaped my mouth, but actually, I already had a guess.

 

“Jewels.”

 

My heart shook when I was told the truth without the slightest hesitation.

 

“If they drop, it’ll be really problematic, so let’s put everything back in place,” said Crow with a light smile on his face before skillfully reassembling the watch with his slender fingers.

 

Small stones that fit between the tiny components of a pocket watch. But because I had seen the real deal, I knew. 

 

“It won’t earn us a large sum of money, but they have worth. Once we exchange them for money, we won’t have trouble feeding ourselves for a while. Right?”

 

I involuntarily nodded when he asked me for my opinion. But almost immediately, I calmed down and came back to my senses.

 

“...This is not alright!”

 

I intended to scream but my throat felt tight. At the end of my sentence, my voice cracked and faded. That’s right. Doing this is not good. Absolutely not good.

 

"Is that so? I think this is probably the greatest form of affection he could show, though?"

 

Some people may not approve of converting love to jewels, but it doesn’t matter what others think, right? Crow raised one eyebrow with a meaningful gaze before saying,  

 

“Even if he’s the butler, he is still just a servant. There is almost no money that he can raise or move freely. He might be serving a noble, but his salary is probably determined according to the market price. In that case, he must have turned all the money he’s received into jewels.”

 

And in there, are the stones that amount to that sum, he added as he clutched the pocket watch.

 

“It’s heavy, isn’t it? He must have sent you off with that kind of resolve. He literally gave you everything he had earned so far."

 

“...”

 

“But of course, I don’t approve of everything he did. As he said himself, that person didn’t save you. Because he never even once offered his help. For me, he is.... the human named Maurice is an unforgivable existence.”

 

“...”

 

“But I think everyone has such an experience. Of being unable to say the thing they want to convey.”

 

Even me, and even you, isn’t that so? When I was told that, I couldn’t refute him. I lived while swallowing many words. I thought it was fine, I told myself it was the right thing to do.

 

“You don’t have to forgive him. It’s okay to just accept his gift. You’re free to throw away his wish, but there is nothing wrong with receiving the watch, right? If Maurice’s feelings are too heavy and cause you pain, it’s a different story however.”

 

He patted my head as if to console me. I felt embarrassed because he treated me like a child.

The pocket watch that he put back in my hand felt cold and nice. It was a small watch that had renounced its function of indicating time to hide jewels under its dial. While it pretended to be broken, it actually turned out to be very precious.

It reminded me of Maurice at every point.

He had a cold gaze, a stiff expression and he never smiled. But he was actually a person who hid what was precious to him in the depths of his heart and kept it to himself.

 

“... Ilya.”

 

One by one, drops of water fell on the delicate engravings of the watch. I thought it was raining, but as I looked up, pain ran through my nose.

 

“Why are you crying?”

 

“... I do not know.”

 

“I see.”

 

When I wiped my cheeks with my fingers, I confirmed that I was really crying. Even though I wasn’t sad, it was odd.

 

“It’s strange. I’m about to cry too.”

 

The moment he said that, Crow closed his eyes strongly. I knew he was holding back his tears.

 

“Haven’t we become such crybabies?” When he said this sentence with a teasing tone and turned his wet eyes toward me, I involuntarily laughed.

 

The sound of our laughing voices was lost over the rumbling of the carriage running energetically. 

 

**

 

I don’t know how much longer you intend to run the carriage, but if we don’t take a break soon, my body will reach its limit.

When I said that and looked at Crow, he replied, “We’ll reach our destination in a little while,” and a meaningful smile appeared on his lips again. And a few minutes later, we arrived at a neat and tidy inn.

I said again that I didn’t have money to stay here, but after showing a slightly surprised expression, he nodded and said, “It’s okay.”

 

“Ilya, you said you’d need to find collaborators, but we already have one.”

 

“...Right. You did say that you had someone in mind.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

A short time ago, I was surprised when Crow took out a gold coin from his chest pocket to thank the coachman.

As he tilted his head at the unfamiliar symbols engraved on the gold coin, the driver, who seemed to have come from a foreign country to work as a migrant, let out a cry.

From what I heard, this coin seemed to be very valuable. The man doubted whether it was real or not, but when Crow told him that even a fake with such a delicate engraving would be worth it, he completely changed his stance and accepted the gold coin with a joyful look on his face.

 

“That cold coin, whom did you receive it from?”

 

“...Ah, that? It was mine. It’s something I got a long time ago. I thought I would lose it when I jumped from world to world, but it seems to have been fine.”

 

He added that he hid gold, silver and copper coins in his clothes in case something happened.

 

“You are like a magician.”

 

When I muttered, “an illusionist might be a better term...” he responded with an unusually serious face.

 

“I’m nothing like that.”

 

On the carriage, Crow took out a small piece of paper from his chest pocket and folded it into a butterfly, before letting it fly away. I was very surprised when the butterfly, which had been thrown in the wind, moved its wings.

 

“...By the way, what kind of existence are you?”

 

I once thought that no one else but me could see him, but that didn’t seem to be the case.

Certainly, Crow, who had accompanied me in many scenes of my repeated lives, was a fleeting existence, like a dream or an illusion. In fact, it was true that he was “hard to see.”

On the other hand, when I think of it, he had talked to my little sister after I took my own life. It didn’t mean that everyone could see him. Even now, whether it’s the coachman or the receptionist of the inn, they conversed with Crow as if it was perfectly normal.

 

Tilting his head, he nodded to himself after pretending to ponder over it and said,

 

“Because so to speak, I’m the same as a doll. To put it simply, haven’t I just been treated as one until now?”

 

“...Wait, I don’t understand what you mean.”

 

“Hmm. For example, imagine that you’re presently holding a doll in your arm. In that case, even if I talk to you, you won’t directly talk to the doll, will you? Even if the doll is in your line of sight, you won’t think of having a conversation with it. While it might have a human form, it’s still only a doll in the end.”

 

“Well. Maybe so.”

 

“There may be some people who talk to dolls but... Until now, it’s not like there haven’t been some like that. However, they were really few.”

 

And you’re included among them.

 

“...But now, you are not just a doll, aren’t you?”

 

“Who knows? It’s something only God knows.”

 

“...”

 

“Whether I’m just a doll or a human, I will always be with you.”

 

That’s all I can promise you, Crow said as he grasped my hand. I had become used to his cold fingers. However, I didn’t think it was lonely.

 

“Or else, do you hate having such an unknown guy by your side?”

 

Crow, who asked with a somewhat amused voice rather than a servile appearance, lightly swung our clasped hands like a child does.

I hastily shook my head as he stared at me with his black eyes.

 

“Well, even if you say you hate it, I won’t leave you, though.”

 

Are you more afraid of that? This time, he looked at me with a gaze that I couldn’t decipher.

His eyes were looking at me, but didn’t seem to see me.

 

“Crow.”

 

“...Hmm?”

 

“I want you to always stay by my side. And then, I want you to always look at me. Don’t look away from me.”

 

And then, the boy blinked once before letting out a long breath as he laughed. Many lights dwelled in his obsidian eyes.

 

“Why am I so happy to hear you say what you wish for?”

 

“If you tell me that, I will become selfish.”

 

“... It’s okay. Of course, it’s okay to be so.”

 

Crow laughed so cheerfully that I realized everything was truly allowed.

All my lives, I had lived as Soleil’s fiancée. Having self-control was a virtue, and supporting him, who was supposed to become a marquis sooner or later, was supposed to be my life itself.

But I no longer had to aim at becoming that kind of person. Even if I was uneasy, I couldn’t help it. Because from today onwards, a new me is born. Ilya, the fiancée of Soleil, is dead.

This is an irrefutable fact; this is the truth.

 

“For now, please tell me if there is something you want to eat. We’ll start from there.”

 

The rented room was not wide, but there were two beds and it was even fully equipped with a bathroom. It was a room ordinary people couldn’t easily stay in.

Although it should have been the first time he used such a place, Crow seemed somewhat used to it. He said he would go buy the necessary things later and lined up the silver coins he was concealing in his clothes on a table. I really wonder where he hid so many coins.

Then, after waiting a short while, he left the room but soon returned and handed me some inconspicuous clothes. They were clothes usually worn by town girls.

 

“I negotiated with the people of the inn, and they sold it to me. I’m sorry they are secondhand clothes, but it’s better to wear clothes like this to blend with the town. Also... it’s a bit painful for me to see the blood stains.”

 

He directed an awkward glance towards me, who had taken off the borrowed robe and was holding it in my arms.

The people of the inn will fill up the bath with hot water, so you should wash off the dirt and put the new clothes on. After that, take a nap. When you wake up, let’s eat then go shopping.

As I watched how he skillfully set up our plan, a memory of the time I was in a brothel flashed by. That was from a life I had already lost, but it was unmistakably a part of who I was.

 

“...Can we sleep together?”

 

“Ahah, are you lonely?”

 

“Yes, I think... that’s right.”

 

The words escaped my mouth before I could think.

The smile of Crow calmly disappeared and he asked while tilting his head, “Should I sing you a lullaby?”

When I nodded, thinking it was a line I had heard somewhere, the room became silent. As I stared at his fair-skinned face, I felt that his black eyes became moist.

 

“Crow?”

 

Not wanting to be seen, the boy turned away and muttered, "You are really here, aren't you?" His voice was so soft that you couldn’t hear him if you didn’t strain your ear. It seemed his true feelings leaked out unintentionally.

 

“The same goes for you. You are really here, right?”

 

When I asked him in turn, I ended up saying it in a tone that was praying for it.

Flustered, I hastily closed my mouth. For each other, it seemed there was no sense of reality.

 

“I think it’s fine to understand it little by little from now on. Because we surely both need time for this.”

 

We gently put our hands on top of each other’s and looked at each other’s faces.

He called himself a doll, and there was no trace of fatigue on his face. Only the shadows cast by his long eyelashes. He was an unclear being. Even now, I felt that he could disappear at any moment.

Still, he said he would stay by my side. He said he wouldn’t go away.

 

“Every minute, every second, I’ll prove that I’m here. That’s why, I want you to prove it too. That you’ll always be beside me.”

 

But for now, the hot bath comes first. I’ll go ask the receptionist, he said and left the room.

Without thinking, I followed after his back. The moment I reached out my arm to touch him, I noticed. ... ... ...It didn’t hurt. 

 

“... What happened?”

 

“My arm, it doesn’t hurt.”

 

“? What do you mean? Are you injured?”

 

I rolled up my sleeves and showed my arm to Crow, who hastily returned to the room.

The slightly loose bandage was stained with blood. Here, there should have been the cut made by my mother’s knife.

When Crow unfastened the bandage, the wound that was supposed to be here was gone. There were no stitches, no sign of blood, not even a scab could be seen.

 

“Everything, no, it’s like nothing happened.”

 

Along with the hole in my chest, the wound on my arm seemed to have disappeared.

I remember being stabbed by the knife Saion threw with his own hands, as well as stopping mother from committing suicide. 

 

“...For some reason, I am scared.”

 

When I murmured that, Crow grabbed my hand. He was frowning and had a hard-to-describe expression.

 

“It’s not scary. This is a certitude.”

 

“How can you be sure?”

 

“Because you are alive.”

 

Being told so, I tried to hear my heartbeat. Rather than hearing my pulse, I clearly felt the organ deep in my chest move.

 

“You’re supposed to have died, yet you’re definitively here and alive. ... ... ...Me too. We are alive. It’s a wonderful thing. There is nothing to be afraid of.”

 

“Maybe so.”

 

I didn’t think that being alive meant being happy. But, as someone who has died and has been resurrected many times, I can understand how blessed I was to be alive. 

 

“Besides, even if the wound has disappeared, it doesn’t mean nothing happened, right? The memories carved in your heart aren’t gone. The painful memories and the sad ones—all the things you’ve experienced make up who you are.”

 

“...Yes, you are right.”

 

“Moreover, you cannot even forget the thing you want.”

 

“...”

 

“The things you want to forget are the things you cannot forget.”

 

If I could only remember the joyful and pleasant memories, it might be for the best.

But I don’t want that, that person said.

 

“Because I feel that the more clearly I remember the pain, the sadness and the anger of the past, the more clearly I can affirm my present self.” 

Chapter 57                                                                                                    Chapter 59