Chapter 53

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 13

 

After this, I immediately moved on to the next world.

The magic square, with its mysterious patterns, started to shine before bursting out with light and disappearing. Inside the darkness, this scene was particularly distinct. It was so clear in spite of the fact that my eyes were closed. What a mystery.

While I was thinking so, something fell on my feet.  

 

*pitter-patter*

 

I slowly opened my eyes and found out that my feet were standing on a puddle. Countless drops of water were falling from above my head and crashing on the water surface before disappearing.

Was it raining? Realizing that I had become internally discouraged without noticing it, a sigh escaped my lips.

 

It wasn’t “the day” I had met Ilya. If it had been that day, I would have been in my bird form, flying across the sky. And I would have heard a singing voice coming from afar.

But not a single detail corresponded. This place seemed to be a back alley, a place I was seeing for the first time. Nearby, there was a store where you could eat, but the leftover food was scattered around, giving off an offensive smell. As it was raining, there were no stray dogs or cats, but some strange insects without feet or arms were crawling on the ground.

 

Was it once again a world where Ilya didn’t exist? As this thought suddenly crossed my mind, I became unable to step forward. Unable to even move my body, a helpless sentiment of impuissance overcame me and I sneered at myself with ridicule.

 

Despite the fact that I wanted to look for Ilya by all means, the fear that was nested in the depths of my chest was turning me into a coward.

What should I do if she doesn’t exist again? What should I do if I lose her once again? What should I do if I’m left behind all alone once again…….?

It was ridiculous to shrink back just because I was thinking of things that hadn’t even happened yet, but it wasn’t impossible that they would happen.

That’s why I took several deep breaths, trying to pretend to be calm. It will surely be fine. This time, it’ll be fine. Everything is gonna be fine. Perfectly fine.

 

I... was fine.

 

Exhorting my trembling legs, I finally took a step forward. The moment I did so, a curious sight appeared in the corner of my field of vision.

 

It was a black mass.

 

At last, did I come across something that didn’t belong to this world?

Rather than feeling amazed, there was something that strangely convinced me that I couldn’t take my eyes off it. When I stared at it, a strange sound came from the black mass. “...e...”

I immediately realized that it was a moan. It was a small voice that couldn’t be heard if I didn’t strain my ears as the streaks of pouring rain intensified, but it clearly belonged to a human.

As I approached, I saw two stretched-out arms. I reflexively looked around us, but there was no one in sight. In the first place, what time was it now? Because of the rain, it was dim. But it wasn’t completely dark, so it might not be night yet. Anyway, even though we were in a back alley, looking at the silence that was ruling this place, I could tell it wasn’t a period of time when people were active.

 

“... .... p”

 

A person, who was lying down here in such a place at such a time, wasn’t normal.

Seeing their state, this person couldn’t have arrived here by themselves, so they must have been abandoned by someone. I guessed they must have had their own circumstances.

I continued to draw near, wondering what the hell happened to them. Their moans turned into clear words and resounded in my ears.

 

“...Hel...p.”

 

Simply put, it was a voice I knew. I didn’t even need to confirm the face. Just one word was enough to move my heart. As if it was beaten by a hammer.

Immediately, my lips chewed on the air and my tongue became entwined. Words wouldn’t come out well. The sound of the rain seemed to weave its way through a gap in the silence and made my eardrums quiver.

I didn’t know how long it took, but pronouncing that single word was extremely difficult.

 

“.... Alright.”

 

The word that, at long last, got through my trembling lips was too brief. It felt like my voice came out before my heart could catch up.

Nevertheless, my legs, my feet, my hands moved on their own and tightly held her curled back. I had missed these swaying shoulders. Seeing the bruises on her slender neck, I had trouble breathing as I wondered what had happened. Her thin and emaciated jaw and cracked lips. What were her dispirited eyes looking at? They loitered around as if her vision was wavering.

I felt a sense of déjà-vu, probably because she closely resembled the girl who I spent time with in the brothel. But “that girl” was no longer a person of this world. To begin with, “that girl” didn’t exist in “this world.”

 

Was I sad, or was it alright for my heart to be so shaken by this reunion with “another girl who had the same face as her”?

 

 “....Cr...ow....?”

 

For a second, I heard a voice so quiet that I thought I had misheard it. Such a fleeting voice completely overturned my world. It lit a lonely light in this unending and deep darkness. It was a small light, so small I might lose sight of it even if I stared at it, but it was accompanied by a power strong enough to shine throughout the world.

My name had just been called. It was only that, and yet...

 

“Crow,”

 

The first time I thought I misheard, but this time, I clearly heard my name being called.

Her eyes filled with a mysterious emotion stared at my face. It looked like she clearly knew who the person hugging her was.

 

“.... I finally found you,”

 

I wondered which one of us eventually whispered this. Did I say this? Did she say this? Who was the seeker and who was the finder?

I strongly embraced her body which seemed likely to break even now. Though I intended to be careful not to crush her, sure enough, Ilya let out a seemingly pained voice along with a questioning sigh, “...You... were looking for me....?”

I only nodded and observed her. The rims of her sunken eyes were abnormally blackened. I knew what that meant.

 

...... Why? Because it was the distinct color humans on the brink of death showed. The so-called shadow of death.

 

Ilya was already in the grip of death. Although I couldn’t make a diagnosis of what was wrong, my nose was very sensitive to the stink of death, and her eyes were reflecting the vivid color of death.

 

“I... have been looking for you....”

 

Maybe she became impatient because I wasn’t answering her, but she earnestly shared her thoughts.

 

“I looked and looked, but it was useless... Always, you were nowhere... Then I stopped looking... Because I was lonely, afraid, and sad... I couldn’t help it.”

 

Her wheezing voice gasping for breath mixed with strange noises let me know she was scolding me. I understood her feelings painfully well. Because I had been the same.

Even though in truth she didn’t exist there, I searched around worlds, chasing after Ilya’s phantoms. That pain, that sadness—who else could understand it?

 

How good would it have been, if I had stopped looking for her already?

 

“But, you did it right... You found me.”

 

Um, um, I said mechanically. When I tried to speak, it wasn’t words that came out, but sobbing. Though I wasn’t crying, that’s what it sounded like, for some reason.

 

“Hey, Crow...”

 

Did you know? She asked close to my ears. Even though she was on the verge of dying, gasping for breath, her fingers strongly gripped my robe. They were oozing blood. Her long nails were broken, telling me she hadn’t been living in an environment where she could fix them.

 

“There... was a meaning. There was... a reason.... why I wasn’t loved”

 

I didn’t understand what she meant. She abruptly cut in with this story without any logical context. But she spoke up as if we had indeed been talking about love until just now.

 

“So, I have never been loved by anyone.... I wasn’t loved.... because... there was a reason...”

 

“From now on, surely, it would remain like this... was what I thought....”

 

You’re wrong. I opened my mouth in an attempt to deny it, but she narrowed her eyes to rein me in. Even though the sun couldn’t be seen, her face remained dazzling as she continued.

 

“But now it’s alright.”

 

She said so in a long breath, then she stared at my face. Raindrops fell in her big eyes and cast a soft light in them, as if they were two submerged jewels shining at the bottom of a river. 

 

 “Because, you...”

 

“...love...”

 

“...me, right?”

 

The rain became stronger and the sound of the water hitting the ground intensified.

The sky was darker than earlier and cast a deep shadow between us. Unless we looked at each other’s faces from a very, very close range we couldn’t read each other’s expression.

When I tried to bring my face closer to hers, her breath hit my cheek. Although Ilya was so hollow her appearance had changed, to me it still looked like she hadn’t changed. Despite the fact that her dignity had been trampled upon, above all, she retained a beauty no one could steal.

 

“Wait, Ilya...”

 

If it’s now, if it happens this instant, it doesn’t matter if her eyes become two beads of glass again. Even if they completely lose all their light, I’ll be able to laugh. I don’t want to remember anything else, so please let Ilya’s face be the only thing engraved in my mind. So that from now on, she’ll be the only thing I’ll remember.

 

This way, I’ll always be able to dream while I’m lost in the infinite time that goes on forever.

 

Because I’ll see you in my dream even during daytime. I will no longer have to look for you.

 

 “.... Wait... wait, please wait...”

“Cr...ow...”

“Not yet, no wait... wait... Ilya.... Ilya....”

 

Just a few minutes more, no, even a few seconds are fine. A bit more, please, stay with me for just a bit longer. 

 

Despite this wish, she was dying.

 

“Sorry, Crow...”

 

Her breath hit the depths of my ears. I knew her end was drawing near. Yet, I continued to repeat “wait” like an idiot. Even though I knew it was a wish that no longer could be granted.

 

“Drug... even though... you took the pain to.... brought some to me... I...it looks like it’s...  already.... too late for me...”

“...Wh-what...?”

 

“But, I...I’ll be alright as long... as you’re here.... it’s true................ Cr....ow..........”

 

Drops by drops, the tears rolled down and fell from my eyes. Unable to fight against gravity, they fell one after the other. Or maybe not. Maybe it was simply the raindrops that slid along my cheeks.

At the exact moment Ilya lost her life, the rain seemed to intensify. After a flash of light that split apart the world, thunder rang out in the distance.

 

“Ilya....”

 

I thought I had misheard her. So, while I was crying, I made an astonished expression and waited for her next words.

 

What... did you say? Just now, what...?

 

Her mouth was opened as if she was about to give me precious information.

But she had stopped breathing at some point. Her eyes that were gazing at me seemed like even now they wanted to tell me something. The pupils that had lost their light, were reflecting a deep darkness.

 

“Ilya, just now, what did you say?”

 

.......... Drug...? Drug, you mean....”

 

“You remember?”

 

About that closed little world? About the excessively short time we spent together in that brothel?

I remember feeding medicine several times to that girl who was so weak she was beyond saving. This expensive drug was hard to come by. Even though it couldn’t prolong her life, I hoped it could let Ilya sleep well for a bit.

 

The version of her at that time, should have been a different Ilya. Did she daydream during her dying moments? But be as it may...

 

“Cruel.”

 

So cruel. To say it at this late hour. Dying without giving me an answer. Leaving me behind once again.

 

“Kill me...”

 

Someone please, end me. Twist my neck, stab my heart with a knife—every means is fine. If you do me this favor, everything will become easier. But...

 

“..... I don’t want to die.......”

 

The sobs that clumsily escaped my mouth were drowned by thunder that conveniently struck at this moment.

I didn’t want to die, because if I truly did, I’d never find Ilya again. So, I absolutely couldn’t afford to die. Because I couldn’t die, I had to live.

 

Yet, living was scary.

 

I once again hugged Ilya who had lost all her strength. I could only look as warmth was escaping from her skinny limbs. Even though I finally found her. Yet. She died.

 

“What should I do, to save you.....? What should I do, to let you live....?”

 

I noticed that I was crying out loud, sobbing convulsively like a child.

I put Ilya’s hand, which had become completely cold, on my cheek. Although I was the one hugging her body, for some reasons, it felt like I was the one being embraced.

 

.........You… love… me, right?

 

Ilya, who had craved for love, who had longed to be loved by someone to such an extent. That girl, who couldn’t believe in anyone, who was full of suspicion and wariness. When she had said those words, she was convinced she was loved.

However, I knew the feelings I harbored for Ilya couldn’t be summarized in such a simple and beautiful term. This attachment was surely something very disgusting and ugly to the point that no one would want to look at it; it was a crazy obsession that had nothing to do with calmness and rationality.

While I said I’d save her, there was actually nothing I could give her. On the contrary, I was the one who needed to be saved. Rather, I just kept wishing for more things.

 

Do not die. Live. Stay by my side. Don’t leave me.

 

Don’t cry, smile, be happy.

 

I kept wishing for more, yet you won’t ask anything from me.  

 

Chapter 52                                                                 Chapter 54

Chapter 52

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 12

 

Again.

 

Again, I let her die alone.

It was an accident, so it couldn’t be helped? No, this is certainly not the case. If I had gone with her, I’m sure I could have saved her. Or, was it still inevitable even if I had been by her side?

Even if I thought hard about it, I didn’t find any answers. Because she was already dead.

 

This incident was more than enough to plunge me into despair. I cried and shouted, scratching off my whole body with my nails, writhing in the pain and agony that assailed me. Everything before me turned dark, all the sounds disappeared from the world, both my heart and my body crumbled in pieces.

Yes. It was exactly this kind of feeling. But that didn’t mean I could allow myself to easily fall into despair. It’s difficult to get back to your feet once you have fallen into self-abandonment. I was well aware of this.

I desperately held on to my mind, which had plunged into darkness and could break down at any moment. For the sake of saving Ilya, I couldn’t allow myself to go mad.

 

I will go to another world, I have to search for Ilya. Then, this time, I have to save her, definitively.

 

What am I saying at this late hour? I scornfully laughed at myself.

I deliberated on what I should do if I met her by chance in the next world. In that sense, I might have gone a bit crazy in the head. Because even though I already knew you couldn’t start your life anew, I still couldn’t stop myself.

Sparing no time for mourning, screaming and being stricken with grief, I proceeded with the preparations to fly into the next world. I spent all my time increasing my magic power.

I had vague fears regarding my own behavior. Originally, I should lament over Ilya’s death, drown in sorrow and it wouldn’t be strange if I was overwhelmed by my emotions. Yet, on the contrary, I had set new objectives and was pushing ahead with them. Looking at it positively, I was moving forward, but on the other hand, it felt like I was heartless and cruel.

 

However. No matter how I look into other people’s eyes, I have to cross worlds once more.

 

********************

 

After her death, I carefully investigated the person called “Ilya” from various points of view, starting with her environment and family background, until her relations and her position as a noble. I also included information about Soleil and Silvia, trying to understand why she was so attached to her position as his fiancée, and why she was trying to protect her sister.

I tried to scrutinize everything. The unknown details were overwhelmingly more numerous, but there were also many things I discovered, as well as things I already knew.

That’s why, I thought I could fare better when I meet Ilya in the next world. And yet...

 

Things didn’t work out as planned.

 

I foolishly thought that, if I crossed over worlds, I would be able to redo everything, starting with my encounter with Ilya. It was sheer stupidity...

...The moment I arrived in the next world, something felt out of place. First, I noticed I wasn’t in the body of a bird nor was I flying in the sky. I also couldn’t hear the singing voice I should have heard. A dry wind made the hem of the black coat I was always wearing flutter while a cloud of sand danced in the air.

As I surveyed my surroundings with narrowed eyes due to the dust that was trying to rob me of my vision, the pebbles at my feet made noises. Whether I looked to my right or left, all I saw was sand, sand, sand. No plants were growing here, and I couldn’t see any living creatures either. Only a cloudless blue sky.

 

“It’s different from before.”

 

Inside my head, such words echoed. Next, I wondered “why.” But nobody gave me an answer.

In the end, I roamed about this world of sand for many days. Then, I finally drifted to some country. But at that time, I realized this world I had transferred to was different from the “previous” one.

 

“In this world,” there was no Ilya.

 

No, rather than saying she was absent, she hadn’t existed in the first place.

I arrived in this world at a time when Ilya wasn’t alive. But I couldn’t quite understand that. To think Ilya wouldn’t even exist........ such a thing wasn’t possible. That’s what I thought. 

 

That’s why I hesitated to go to another world. If by any chance, Ilya was somewhere in “this world,” then she might be struggling, suffering, and wishing for someone to help her. In that case, who else but me could reach out to her?

 

That’s why I searched around the world. Even in a world without her, I still continued to look for her. I knew all too well that I was needlessly wasting time. Yet, I couldn’t give up.

 

I might have already deviated from the right track. For example, it was like I was searching for a dead person. Like someone who believed in ghosts and recklessly chased after them. It was the same as continuing to search for something uncertain that the eyes couldn’t see.

I actually knew she was not here, yet for years....... or maybe dozens of years, I kept looking for her. When was it again, that I finally lost hope and gave up? Though I did it with painful reluctance, I shook free from everything and once again crossed over worlds.

 

However, my hope that “I’ll succeed this time” was once again, quickly and easily betrayed.

In other words, like in the previous world, Ilya wasn’t here. This time was not a different era, but it was simply a world where “only her” didn’t exist.

 

Both Silvia and Soleil, as well as their parents existed. As well as the familiar maids and chamberlain. Yet, only Ilya wasn’t here. I explored everywhere, but I didn’t find any proofs that she had been born in this world. In short, she hadn’t even stayed in her mother’s womb.

 

Was that possible?

 

I didn’t know the reasons behind it, and I felt like I would start screaming at any time. If I were to shout, Enough, give me a damn break! writhe and curse the whole world, then maybe I might feel a bit refreshed.

But at the same time, it was the frustration brought forth by these negative emotions —suffering, grief, and wrath—that spurred me on, and I ended up thinking it was fine like this, that I no longer cared. Even the time when I was convinced that I had plenty of time to spare was now far away.

 

......... I must fly to the next world. Quickly, I must hurry, I have to. 

 

Since who knew when, in the depths of my ears, Ilya’s sobbing voice echoed. She was crying and whispering that she couldn’t stand the pain.

Now was no longer the time to stay stuck in only one world. Not even sparing time to regret, I went around several worlds. Then, at long last......... I found her.

 

But starting this story from the conclusion, I couldn’t do anything for her. Because she was already dying.

 

She was in a room in a certain brothel. She was in a state where she was simply waiting for death. Lying on an old bed while she kept coughing violently, she had completely withered away, it seemed like her consciousness was also hazy. She spent most of her time sleeping, wavering between dreams and reality, maybe to escape from the pain and suffering.

However, it seemed there have been occasions where customers came, which made me think that human beings could really be trash. I felt nauseated at these creatures who could oversee the state of their partner and only care about satisfying their lust.

 

In such an environment, she was being exploited. Having lost her energy to live, it seemed that she wasn’t even seeking salvation.

 

“Ilya, is there anything you want?”

 

I gently wiped her dry lips with a wet towel. I was currently her caretaker.

She was lying on the bed, gazing at my face absentmindedly. Then she shook her head a little and a sigh leaked from her mouth, so faint I wouldn’t have heard it if I hadn’t strained my ears.

She was dozing off, but I thought her complexion looked slightly better than usual today. Thinking of letting her fall asleep like this, I silently moved back.

 

When I did so, she suddenly whispered, “...I’ll be fine.... as long as.... you’re here...”

 

It was an enchanting voice. How happy would I have been if these words had been for me.

But that wasn’t the case. I reflexively stayed quiet, because I knew she would add something else.

 

“...Lord Soleil.”

 

There was no doubt that, when a person called the name of their loved one, they were wrapped up in a feeling of bliss. Because you see, this was precisely the expression she was making right now.

The voice that scattered from her thin lips seemed to evaporate in the distance, as if the words had rolled off somewhere. Her fragmented words were fleeting, like a bead of glass. Although shining, they concealed the sharpness of a knife within them.

If I could pick up her heartrending words with my fingers, I would keep them hidden somewhere. So that Ilya wouldn’t see them. So that Ilya wouldn’t be found. How great would it be if I could do something I hadn’t been asked to do? I thought it was painful.

 

Simply, painful.    

 

“...I... have been looking for you. Always, all this time, I’ve been searching for you.... But... you weren’t anywhere.”

 

Ilya, who had fallen asleep, should not be able to hear my voice. Yet, unable to tear my gaze off her skinny face, I talked to her.

 

“In a world without you, I... searched for you...”

 

So, I couldn’t say anything back if asked what happened. In this small room cut from the outside world. Even while afflicted with sickness, in her dream it was “him” who appeared. There was no need to even think about who Ilya was waiting for here.

Yet, the middle of my chest hurt. My face was unsightly crooked, as if it was tightened from the inside. It felt like I would burst into tears at any moment.

 

“Even though I found you.... even though I finally found you, but... you are not here...”

 

“.... Where are you...?”

 

The Ilya I knew, the Ilya who knew me, took her own life long, long ago.

I remember the feel of the cloth wrapped around her tender neck. The bedsheets were thinly ripped, looking so brittle that it seemed they would get torn.

I understood that she made her preparations to die in a hurry. She had always been thoroughly prepared. At that time only, she had been in a hurry.

 

Because she absolutely no longer wanted to live. 

 

To save such a girl, I traveled to several worlds and kept looking for her.

However, I understood it long ago. That the one who needed salvation, wasn’t Ilya, but me. I wanted to somehow save myself, who had let Ilya die at that time.

 

What would Ilya say if she knew about this? Would she be disappointed? I would like to know, but that was meaningless because she knew nothing about me.

 

When I transferred from the previous world, for some reason, I landed near this brothel.

At first, I was quite stupefied and had no idea what it meant. But I felt like I was called by someone and decided to creep in for now. In the shape of a bird I could avoid people’s eyes. Flying around the brothel that couldn’t be described as wide, I eventually discovered Ilya’s room.

As soon as I saw her figure sprang on the bed fast asleep, I turned into my human shape because of an incorrigible expectation. The expectation that, the girl who suddenly awoke because of the noise, would say my name.

 

Please, I beg you, know who I am. I longingly stared at her with this desperate desire.

 

However, what appeared in her beautiful light green eyes, was a twinkle of fear. Next, Ilya’s mouth opened wide like a hole appearing in the sky, and she started to scream as if convulsing. Then, she shook her head, yelling, “I don’t want to anymore,” trying to run a way by dragging down her sick and emaciated body.

Even when I reflexively reached out my hand, she vigorously shook me off. When I connected the words mixed between her sobs, I realized that I had been confused with a customer. So, I took the appearance of a young boy to prove it to her. That I wasn’t a customer. That I was Crow.

 

I’m Crow. Your Crow.

 

I kept repeating it earnestly over and over again, like a spell. However, she couldn’t understand. That Crow was my name. Was it because she was deranged or because of her illness? Or maybe the thing moving “this world” was interfering. Anyway.

 

Even when asleep, she called the name of a person who wasn’t here. Even though I was right before her, she didn’t say my name. Not even once.

 

I went around many worlds and finally reached this place at long last. And yet, it was almost like I wasn’t at my place being here.

 

“Lord Soleil...”

 

In this bedroom similar to a cave that wasn’t even lit well, Ilya’s voice echoed. It was a helpless voice like that of a young child. It sounded as if she had nothing else to rely on.

Despite the fact that the person who had clearly corned her to this extent was him, she kept calling his name until the very end. As if she knew nothing but this name.

She was a fool. Besides, it was too stupid.

 

“Ilya. It’s alright. I’m by your side. It’s fine, because I’m right there....”

 

...Yes, it was thoroughly overly stupid of me. Ah, yes. I knew. In truth, it was stupid.

The one who was miserable, the one who was sad, the one who was lonely, wasn’t Ilya, but me. In this world, the only person who wasn’t needed by anyone was me.

“Ilya...” Noticing that my voice was shaking, I stopped speaking. I told myself not to disturb the rest of that girl who was breathing softly.

 

When I closed my eyes, the corners of my eyes became wet.

 

I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t. I mustn’t cry, it wasn’t allowed. Because in the past, the one who killed her was me. The origin of everything went back to her dying that day.

So, it’s wrong to say that I was lonely because of this girl who keeps calling Soleil’s name even now. It’s wrong, and yet...

 

“I’m lonely...”

 

My throat trembled. I gently touched Ilya’s fingertips, which were so thin that it seemed they would break up at the sightless touch. Even though I was this close to her, she was so very far away.

 

We should have definitively been in the same world, yet we were living in different worlds.

 

*******************

 

“.............. M-my lady......!!”

 

While taking care of Ilya, I looked for the man who had worked as her escort knight, simply because I wanted to let them reunite. He was the only person I could seriously entrust her life to. That’s why I wanted to make them meet.

I wasn’t sure what kind of feelings there were between them, but I knew that sometimes, deep affection could even surpass feelings of love.

 

Besides, it seemed that this girl, who was going to die, truly wanted to see a certain person......... That’s why I thought a person connected to Soleil was absolutely needed.

That man must have become a marquis by now. She might be a former noble, but a person who had fallen as low as being a prostitute wasn’t someone who could meet him so easily and so quickly.

 

As I suddenly arrived right in front of this brothel when I came from the previous world, I didn’t have any information regarding the geography of this place, so finding Ilya’s parents’ home wasn’t easy at all.

But I could turn into a bird, so I made the best use of this special characteristic of mine. From the sky, I identified the area where nobles seemed to be living. It didn’t take me long after that.

It was easy to grasp the whereabouts of that blond man who seemed to have built up his reputation as a knight. I let him know Ilya’s location. Of course, I didn’t speak. I twined Ilya’s hair around my ankle and in the shape of a bird, I flew above his head.

 

Even though Ilya’s hair was thin and discolored because of her lack of nutrition, that man seemed to have immediately guessed who they belonged to. As I kept hovering and turning in circles above him, he chased after me without harboring the slightest doubt.

I had thought it would be like this, but the figure of that knight, who was running after me with a desperate look, was far from the image of a gentleman, to say the least. That was reflecting with how much anxiety and hope he had waited for a clue about her. 

 

He looked much older than the version of him that I knew. It could be inferred that he had been through considerable hardships since his master had eloped.

Yet, the last glimmer of light that remained in his eyes told me he hadn’t lost all hope.

 

Because even now, he was still devoting all his heart to the master he had chosen.

 

That’s what I felt. And for this exact reason, I made up my mind.

 

I’ll let you do it. I’ll let you... take her... home. To his side.

 

I’ll let her go home.

 

“Aaah! Aaah! Oh God......! Oh God......!”

 

His scream made me return to my senses.

I held on to my breath.... or rather, I stood in a corner, erasing my presence, as I watched him raise Ilya in his arms. He wrapped a soiled bedsheet around Ilya’s overly withered body.

Because of this, from where I was standing, I couldn’t peep at Ilya’s face and see what kind of expression she was making. However...

 

“A...l...?”

 

Her voice echoed in the room. The knight kept nodding and I heard him reply that he had come to pick her up. By that time, they were already leaving. I could only watch them.

But the moment the knight holding Ilya in his arms was about to exit the room, a corner of the sheet gently fell and her head appeared. It felt like our eyes met.

 

That’s why I whispered without voicing the words out loud,

 

...... Good for you, right?

 

I said so because I really thought it was good. Good that she hadn’t spent her very last moments in such a confined place.

Surely, in the place the knight was taking her, warmth awaited her. She won’t need to curl up her thin body. She won’t have to lie in a bed that made the joints of her body ache.

All the things this place lacked, were prepared for her where she was going. That’s the place where she was originally meant to be.

 

“.... Good for you.”

 

Ilya and the knight went away. While staring at the door that had been completely shut, I once again said it clearly. Even though, from the bottom of my heart, I thought it was great.

Yet for some reason, my chest hurt again. On their own accord, my fingers shook as they remembered her warmth. Hands that were so slender they looked like they would break if some force was exerted on them. Cracked nails and a skin that had lost its moisture.

When I was a noble, these hands would have been well maintained. These fingers that had belonged to her in the past, were used for hitting a piano keyboard, or holding the hand of their dance partner, or maybe for eating gracefully. Along these delicate hands similar to glassworks, there were so many things I lost. They could never be obtained again.

Yet, that girl had laughed like a child, saying, “my hands are like those of an old woman.” Looking at her hands, which had been resting in mine, her expression softened and she had added, “Your hands are so small.”

 

Aaah, why? Why am I sad?

 

Despite the fact that I thought it was good like this.

 

******************

 

..................... After this, in not even the span of a month, she breathed her last. I thought she achieved a very peaceful end, being watched over by Soleil, Silvia and their children.

 

I was looking at this scene from outside the window.

 

Her life didn’t end in a place devoid of any human dignity like that brothel. This was a salvation in itself. Dying alone in such a place, that must not happen. 

 

It must not be, and yet.... I remember that narrow and dirty room where there was nothing else apart from a bed.

 

Many times. Many times.

 

I remember it. I kept remembering it.

 

Chapter 51                                                                               Chapter 53