If this is the real end – 12
What Soleil’s friend was really
trying to tell me “at that time,” even in this life I still had no idea. Even
from now on, I’ll probably won’t understand. Yes, I hope I won’t. I was already
sick and tired of the things that happened at that time.
And perhaps, unless the situation
became the same as at that time, he will probably never make such an expression
again.
The wife of his friend was
imprisoned.
It might seem like an incident that
concerned him closely, but in truth, it was no more than someone else’s
problem.
Even if he could understand his
friend’s grief, there was no room for pitying the jailed fiancée who he had
never talked to.
On the contrary, he might hate her.
Her, the sinner who made his friend so grieved.
And yet, he came to that place.
Despite us being no more than mere acquaintances. Perhaps he really harbored hatred
towards me and he purposely came to see my unsightly death.
Yes, I certainly used to think so.
To think he came to laugh at me and scorn me.
However, I was probably wrong.
That’s because he was a noble. In the first place, nobles weren’t existences
related to places like prisons.
I didn’t know how it was for the
relatives of an inmate, but if the prisoner was a perfect stranger, it wasn’t a
place you would come on a whim. The people in your entourage would probably
franticly try to stop you. Not mentioning the issue of hygiene, it was
unthinkable for a noble to come to a place where who knew what kind of diseases
were running rampant.
Moreover, the prisoners were brutal
and offensive. Even if an escort came along, no one knew what could happen.
That’s why no one would try to send a noble to a prison.
That being the case, he must have
personally wished to come here. Maybe he even had to pay quite a sum to do so.
If they let a noble enter a place like this, the prison’s guards would also have
to make sure everything would end safely, so they probably demanded a reward
for that.
He came so far to see me. And then,
he apologized while crying.
I didn’t understand the true meaning
of his words, but he seemed to grieve over my death. And I had the feeling he
regretted the fact he couldn’t do anything to help. …
… If that was indeed the case, then…
“Did he know that I was falsely
accused…?”
When I reached that thought, I shook
my head thinking, even if he did, so
what?
Now it was too late for this. Yes,
everything was already “too late.” The false charges against me were something
that was first established after Silvia’s death. Someone who felt my existence
was in the way, took advantage of Silvia’s death to put the crime on me.
In other words, the trigger for
everything was Silvia’s death, and as long as she was alive, nothing would
happen. That’s why making Silvia live became my objective.
In all my lives, after that tea
party, I started to move in order to protect her. I shamelessly asked the
marquis’ wife to detach an escort for Silvia. In the shadows, I specifically
moved against that band of robbers.
Currently, I was still a student so
my strength wasn’t enough. However, since it had been decided I would marry
Soleil, I at least had the backing of his marquis house.
So, before long, the people who will
try to use their power behind my back will gradually assemble.
I was aware of this. By birth,
Soleil was a high-ranking noble and he was extremely vigilant. Only the people
he truly trusted remained by his side. It was well-known that unless a person
was introduced by someone trustworthy, he wouldn’t deepen the relationship into
a truly friendly one.
Maybe because of this, there weren’t
only people with a solid background around me, people with suspicious lineage
also gathered. If they couldn’t come close to Soleil, they tried to do so with
his fiancée. It was a natural mentality.
By all rights, it wasn’t hard to
keep these kinds of people away. For something of that degree, if I used the
strength of the marquis’ house said to be in control of this country’s dark
side, I could easily put some distance between us.
However, Soleil’s mother had
declared with an unruffled face, “If at
any rate, someone is trying to use you, do not limit yourself to defense, you
must make use of others yourself.”
Do not be someone who is used, become someone who uses others, she had added while smiling. And so,
in the past, I straight-forwardly followed the path that she had pointed out to
me.
“… I’ve been running in circles,
haven’t I?”
I whispered so, walking down the
deserted corridor. The courtyard was spread on the other side of the windows.
The white roses had passed their full bloom and were falling, but one day, I
had seen Soleil and Silvia cuddling together on a bench there.
Even though I certainly felt that
something was changing, I couldn’t move towards the direction I wanted. As if
an invisible and compelling force was at work, I would always be robbed of
everything.
Because I knew this, because I had
previously seen what would happen in my life, little by little I was adding
some alterations to it so that it could become as I desired.
But eventually, everything would
fall apart helplessly.
If, for example, I was someone who
knew nothing. In truth, wouldn’t I be able to lead a much finer life? Not
having seen what happened previously, not knowing of the future waiting for me,
didn’t it seem like a life filled with hope?
Whether it was suffering and grief,
or joy and enjoyment, these hands had the “possibility” to choose. With that, shouldn’t
I’ve had what one would call a blessed life?
Could I say that I was really able
to choose something?
I looked down at my hands, at my
hands that couldn’t be described as big. What I was always holding in those
hands, was emptiness and phantoms of the past.
When was it again, that day when I
tried to throw away everything and go somewhere that wasn’t this place?
*********************
“… My lady? Did something happen?”
Al, who was helping with father’s
work, wasn’t always by my side. Maybe it might appear strange that in spite of
being my escort, he wasn’t always with me, but it was only a general way of
thinking. The common sense that an escort must be with his target of protection
wasn’t always true for all nobles.
In the first place, I was only a
student. You could say there was no instance where I went to dangerous places.
When I left the estate, I was accompanied by maids and a butler, and since
there wouldn’t be any occasion where I would be alone, it wasn’t like I
couldn’t move around if my escort wasn’t there.
Furthermore, the academy’s security
measures were flawless, so bringing along an exclusive escort wasn’t necessary.
A group of reserve knights called the academy knights were taking turns to
protect the school grounds.
In other words, for a person like me,
who was only commuting between the estate and the academy, there was absolutely
no need for a bodyguard. The fact that Al was working as my escort was in the
end, only due to the fact I was Soleil’s fiancée.
The one employing him was our house,
but a part of his wages were covered by the marquis house. Meaning that, in one
of my lives, the fact that Al’s target of protection was changed from me to
Silvia, was due to the intention of the marquis’ side. My parents probably also
requested it strongly. However, the marquis’ house had the last word on this.
At that time, I had already been
abandoned by both my parents and the marquis’ family.
The marquis house was managed by
Soleil’s parents, but the one taking decisions concerning me should have been
Soleil…
…
Aware of everything, Soleil had willingly chosen Silvia over me.
“My lady?”
“…Ah, Al. I apologize. I was lost in
my thoughts.”
“…It seems you returned a bit early,
are you not feeling well?”
Talking with Soleil’s friend had
completely upset me, so I left the academy. Leaving school while classes were
in session was naturally prohibited, but when something happened and you needed
to do so, you had to obtain permission beforehand for it.
However, there was an exception to
everything and it didn’t apply in the case of an emergency. In others words, it
didn’t apply if something happened to your family or relatives, or if you were
sick or injured. In such cases, you only had to submit a written application
and you could leave the school grounds. Well, it was normal to take such
situations into account.
Then, without waiting for our
house’s carriage, I found another fiacre and went home.
“Well, I am indeed feeling a bit
unwell. I was thinking of resting a little…”
When I said that, Al looked more
worried than I had imagined. He lowered his voice and added as he pushed my
back to lead me toward my room, “My lady is always working too hard. Please,
rest early today.”
When I asked him, “What about your
work?” he replied without turning his face toward me, “Your concern is
appreciated, but you don’t need to worry about the likes of me.”
I understood well his worry for me.
But, that kindness somewhat hurt. Like he had said, until now, I had continued
to work to my upmost, to the point even I admitted it.
Because if I didn’t do so, a wall
that could never be overcome was waiting.
That’s why I was ashamed of myself for
letting all these efforts be wasted at this stage.
I thought it might be the first time
something like this had happened.
“Before resting, do you wish to
drink something?”
As I was questioned while walking in
the corridor, when I nodded my head, my excellent escort, who guessed my
thoughts by signs alone, seemed to smile a bit.
“Mother is...?”
“In her room, knitting.”
I tilted my head, a bit surprised by
the brevity of his answer.
“Is she resting?”
Normally, father tended to spend a
lot of time secluded in his study. A part of the documents related to the
territory management were left to mother’s discretion.
That’s why the wives of aristocrats
couldn’t be illiterate and ignorant.
“… Lately, she is doing things at a
leisure pace.”
My feet stopped at this way of
speaking, which seemed to be implying something in a roundabout way.
When I looked back, my escort, who
was standing behind me, had also stopped at some distance. It seemed he had
predicted in advance I would come to a halt.
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing more than the exact meaning
of those words.”
Certainly, he probably meant it
literally. But if that was true, then it would be a slight problem. Because the
share of work under mother’s responsibility wouldn’t suddenly decrease one fine
day.
Even when Silvia was confined in bed
due to her sickness and mother nursed her, she always strived to do the work
assigned to her. I knew that in order to lessen father’s burden even by the
slightest bit, she would work on documents until late at night.
Since Silvia was at the academy
today, it was obvious she wasn’t sick currently. In other words, now was the
time when mother should have been working.
“… Has father said something?”
“No.”
Once again, a short answer. It was
fine to think that if father hadn’t said anything, it meant he purposely left
things as they were.
Because if he had been worried about
something, he would have got the chamberlain or a maid to solve the issue.
“… In that case, there is nothing I
must do.”
On the contrary, if I did something
unasked for, there was the possibility I would earn father’s wrath. It was best
to leave mother to father.
“Maybe mother is tired.”
“Yes, it’s probably the case.”
This time, his answer didn’t feel
out of place. In fact, mother’s share of work wasn’t something that could be
done in one’s spare time.
If her decisions were wrong, the
population of the fief would be put in a predicament.
It wasn’t like she was entrusted
with major decisions, but even dust would become a mountain if piled together,
so if mistakes kept being made…
“Should I visit her later?”
“… Hm, that’s… I’m not sure. She
said she wanted to be alone for a while.”
“I see…”
If mother had said so, it was better
to follow her wish.
As I was telling myself it was
probably better like this, I asked with cheerfulness,
“That’s right, about the drink.
Could you tell someone I would like to drink tea please?”
Al slightly widened his eyes but
after nodding once, he replied,
“Understood.”
“Ah, I wonder if I should try the
tea Silvia shared with me…”
The tea leaves had been decocted by
mother personally. However, I had never received any of it even once.
Mother was always eagerly talking
with our house’s exclusive gardener in order to mix several aromatic herbs and
medical plants with the tea leaves she’d brew.
It seemed she picked them out so
that Silvia could become even the slightest bit healthier. And so, what mother
had prepared for Silvia’s sake wasn’t a simple tea.
“I wonder how it tastes…?”
I wondered if my real thought, which
involuntarily slipped through my mouth, sounded like I was resentful?
I was her real daughter and had a
healthy body. There was no need to be watchful over what I ate or drank. It was
probably for these reasons that mother had never prepared a special tea for me.
She hadn’t done so until now, and she wouldn’t in the future either.
“… Al, there is no need to make such
an expression, you know?
My escort was looking at me with
wrinkles between his eyebrows, seemingly wanting to say something. But when he
was about to, he closed his mouth.
And then, he said with a little
smile, “… I was told that a merchant who has friendly ties with our house had
obtained a rare tea. Next time, I’ll bring it to you.”
The “our house” he was speaking of must have been his parents’.
“I see, it would be really nice.”
No matter how rare this tea might
be, it wouldn’t be hard for me to purchase it directly. If I asked our regular
merchant, he would probably immediately make preparations for it.
But doing that would have no meaning and he
knew it. It was precisely because someone gave it as a gift that it was special.
The tea mother brewed made Silvia
pinch her lips in displeasure at its bitterness. Being allowed to complain
about what a mother was doing was also the privilege of a daughter.
As such, that child’s attitude
wasn’t improper at all, nor was it something to criticize. In a sense, it was
the correct reaction. Because as a daughter, it was normal to resist one’s
mother sometimes.
Besides, it was simply some tea and
because it was made by an amateur, normally it would be worthless. Yet, for me
it wasn’t just some tea leaves, it wasn’t worthless at all.
That’s why... when I received the
tea mother had decocted from Silvia, I had to swallow down those envious words,
“That’s so nice.”
Even though she had chosen the maids
attached to me, mother had never worked hard for my sake.
But if it was for Silvia’s, she
would spare no effort. No matter how busy she was, she would brew tea in every
spare moment she could find.
I wondered if it was too childish of
me to feel jealous over that fact? That feeling was absolutely no different
from what I felt that night, from that envy I felt towards that child who was
being embraced while being told, “You are
my lovely little princess.”
As I felt miserable at my lack of growth, I
forced myself to make a composed expression.
“I will make the preparations
immediately, so please wait in your room.”
I nodded my head at Al who opened
the door of my room. He’ll probably go call a maid.
Looking at the door that had been
closed softly, I heaved a sigh. Now that I had become alone, I was assailed by
tiredness.
I sat down on the chair in front of
the dresser and looked at my own face. If
those eyes had been purple. If that hair had been silver. If this face had been
Silvia’s face… Then would I also have been loved by everyone?
Such silly thoughts crossed my mind.
Even though I thought that there would have been no meaning in living if I
hadn’t been me, at the same time, I was also thinking that I couldn’t live
precisely because I was me.
When I breathed in, my eyes caught
sight of the little bottle Silvia had given me. It was reflecting the faint
light inside the room and looked shiny.
Was this small bottle also something
prepared by mother? It didn’t resemble the cheap vials simply used to conserve
tea leaves. The glittering glass of seven colors seemed to show it really was
an item prepared for a special occasion.
When I took it into my hand, I
noticed it was unexpectedly heavy. The red ribbon wrapped around it was
probably an ornament Silvia had added.
When I thought she had wrapped it to
give it to me as a gift, I felt a pain in my chest.
“Silvia... has done nothing wrong.”
Right, that child isn’t bad.
I repeated a second time those words
I recited as if I was persuading myself with a spell.
I needed to warn myself that my
little sister wasn’t wrong. If I didn’t do so… …
I lifted the bottle and removed the
lid for some reason. This drifting fragrance, were there flower petals blended
with the tea leaves? Trying to guess what flower it was, I brought it close to
my nose. It was a sour and gentle odor.
The fragrance that passed through my
throat brought me a refreshing feeling as if my whole body and lungs were cleansed
up. It made me feel somewhat nostalgic…
It was at that moment I felt it. A
strange presentiment that made me reflexively distance the bottle from me. A
cough escaped my throat involuntarily. A second one followed it.
They sounded like the cough people
would make while sleeping. It sounded like someone else was coughing.
“?”
I looked around meaninglessly. I
tried to see if there wasn’t some dust whirling in the air, wondering if there
might be a cause for my cough. I moved my line of sight to the window, thinking
it might have been left open and some dust or sand had entered.
But as usual, there was nothing of
this sort inside the room that had regained its silence.
While tilting my head in wonder, I
looked once more at the little bottle. It was just an ordinary gift I had
received from my cute little sister.
I took a breath in, returned my
sight to the dresser and breathed out.
Soon, the maid will probably bring
the tea wagon. Only the sound of the clock ticking away at the passing of time
and my own breathing echoed in the room.
When I listened carefully to these
sounds, it started feeling like I was the only person existing in this world.
It was a world where no one but me existed.
Maybe, it would be much better like
this. A world where I wouldn’t be hurt by anyone, and I wouldn’t hurt anyone
either.
“… A place... where there is no one...
hm?”
Then, putting it another way, it
would be the same as the little room in the brothel I spent one of my past
lives.
I moved my line of sight to the tips
of my fingers. At that moment, I remembered when I fell asleep while holding
Crow’s hand.
Ah, that’s right. I hadn’t been alone there. As I recalled it…
“The drug of that time”
… Goose bumps assailed my whole
body. The large breath I unconsciously gulped down made a “hic” sound. It
almost sounded like I had been frightened by something.
No, that’s not it, that’s not it, I told myself as I seized up the bottle once
again. Somehow, it felt heavier than earlier.
When I was in the brothel, I was
tormented by a dry cough for a long time.
I thought it was only a cold and because
I left it alone it became a serious illness. A high fever came out, and after a
month had passed in the blink of an eye, my condition had worsened to the point
I was beyond help.
Also, at that time it was impossible
to receive any kind of medical treatment. After all, since I had no money to
call a doctor, nothing could be done.
Therefore, the only thing possible
was to lessen the pain. What Crow brought me, was that kind of medicine.
However, instead of containing the pain, it was a strong drug that made my
consciousness dizzy.
“Never give this drug to a person who ain’t afflicted with this
disease,” was what said
the illegal doctor only invited by the owner of the brothel to confirm how much
time I had left.
I didn’t even know if his diagnosis
was correct, but since even I understood very well the time of my death was
drawing near, it was inconsequential.
I was told by this doctor, “For the person afflicted by this disease,
it’s a very good drug but you see, it’s too strong, so if a guy who ain’t sick
take it, it’ll cause violent reactions like vertigo, a fit of spams and so on.
It’ll be a big deal!”
He didn’t explain what components
there were in it and how they worked since I was a prostitute and my
consciousness was muddy. Rather, he explained in a way that was easy to
understand.
Even when I was on the verge of
death, some of our guests didn’t stop coming to see me. That’s probably why he
warned me just in case.
The red powder medicines. This was a
drug emitting a distinctive scent.
I remembered this smell that was
acrid, as if it came from real medicinal plants, but also a little sweet.
No, I might have never forgotten it
to begin with. Because I so clearly understood what it meant.
