In the cafeteria, I said goodbye to
Soleil and Saion and walked away with Silvia.
It was very rare for us to be alone
together. In the corridor that wasn’t wide, the students we passed by purposely
turned back to confirm our faces.
I wonder how many times I have heard
the words, “you don’t look alike” again and again?
The fact Silvia was walking half a
step behind me seemed to invite the curious glances of our surroundings. When I
heard someone whispering “Has she been called out?” I could only smile
bitterly.
I cannot understand what meaning
there could possibly be in summoning my little sister in the academy. If I had
something I wanted to say, it was obvious I would talk about it in a discrete
place. And the most suitable place for that was nowhere else but our house.
I wondered why nobody noticed how
foolish it would be to call out Silvia to rebuke her inside the academy.
No, that’s not it. Certainly, up
until now, I had been that kind of person. I was that kind of unsightly and disgusting
woman devoured by jealously, who restrained everyone with a high-pitched voice.
Yes, until that day. That day when
we had a tea party in the estate’s garden……
“Hm, B-big sister. I’m sorry.”
Hearing Silvia’s quiet apology, I
answered, “… What are you apologizing for?” Yet, I didn’t stop walking.
“For going to the cafeteria on my
own accord…” I endured not bursting into laughter at those words. What are
you saying when until now, you have been having lunch together with Soleil
every day?
“Don’t mind it, Silvia. I too, don’t
mind it at all.”
I thought that no matter who would
see this scene, it would be great if all that could be reflected was the
portrayal of a kind older sister. That’s why I slowly and deliberately made a
gentle smile. I smiled brightly, my eyes didn’t contain any hint of animosity,
my tone of voice dropped a little low. I didn’t forget my intonation and
inflection. Putting some zeal into my fingers, I brushed my little sister’s
hair.
“Really?” she asked me as I pat her
head like I was comforting a young child. A dearest child.
Yes, surely. Surely, I loved my
little sister. Seeing Silvia heave a little sigh and smile, for some reason, my
chest squeezed out painfully for a second.
She trusted me. It wasn’t my
imagination. If so, why, why do you betray your older sister you trust so
much?
I still remembered the hatred existing
in the future that has yet to come.
That’s right. Originally, I was such
a person. I was an ugly person who couldn’t hide my hatred and resentment.
I felt the silver hair coiling
around my fingers and gently brushed them off.
Silvia smiled happily with her eyes
closed. I wondered what kind of face, I, who was looking down on such a little
sister, was making.
It would be great if I could act
well. If I could act the part of a kind older sister. Of a perfect lady. If I
could become a person who loved her family, loved her little sister, a person
who wasn’t drowning in jealousy but was wearing a smile like a holy mother.
“Well, Silvia. Class will resume
soon. We have to separate here.”
Just after turning at the corner of
the corridor, Silvia nodded and answered, “Yes!” Then she made a beautiful bow
and looked up at my face.
I returned a smile to that child who
was sticking out her chest in pride. Compared to a few months ago, Silvia had
become more similar to what a “noble’s young daughter” should be like.
I watched her dainty little back
walk away in rhythm, then closed my eyes for a brief moment. I wished I could
throw away the muddy feelings that were whirling inside my chest.
I remembered the days I educated her
in preparation for my escape in a past life. I remembered my sister’s ephemeral
face as she laughed, confessing, “I, until now, I’ve always felt I was already
dead.” She told me she was happy to be able to learn. I remembered her acting
faithful to her words, greedily absorbing and understanding everything I taught
her.
I suddenly recalled those days
filled with laugher as we browsed through a bulky collection of books, sitting
side-by-side. Among the many lives I’ve lived, it’s in this one I first cuddled
with Silvia. These were happy but irremediably bitter days.
The emptiness of having to throw
away my everything, of having to hand it out to my little sister. How can I put
it into words?
Even if it could be said I’ve done
my best until the point of coughing blood, all those things I had obtained,
they hadn’t been of any use.
There was only knowledge meant to be
passed down to my little sister.
I knew that only knowledge and
education would become the things supporting me, so I simply single-mindedly
polished myself, and yet, I had never been able to make use of even one of
those skills.
I recalled a dream I had, where I
was travelling with nobles from foreign countries, being considered their
equal, while teaching Silvia foreign languages I learnt for diplomacy.
As I was Soleil’s wife, I should
never be obtrusive and butt in his affairs. But I had persuaded myself I
mustn’t become an existence that could only be protected. At least, I thought
it would be great if I could be of help to him. For him, who wanted a strong
woman to be his wife, I did my best to become such a person.
And everything I had accumulated every
day in this way… I offered it to my little sister.
This feeling of emptiness, this
bitterness, this resentment, I didn’t know how to express it. I didn’t want to
think that all the time I spent had been in vain.
That’s why I handed over everything
and anything I had to my little sister.
“You are an idiot. A really foolish
idiot.”
As I was about to go down the
staircase, suddenly a voice resounded inside my ears.
It was an unfamiliar voice I didn’t
recognize. When, who, what were these words for? They weren’t said in this
life. I understood that.
As I was searching through my
memories, my tiptoes were stuck on the step and I stumbled. Ah! I
realized it was already too late....
… … I’m falling!
I extended my left hand to support
me but it missed the handrail and grabbed empty air instead. My heart beat
strongly once, then stopped making noise. But, at that moment,
“Look out!”
Someone grabbed my arms from behind.
I was stopped at the middle of the stairs, my back leaning on someone. Half of
my legs were stretched out in an unsightly appearance.
“… I, I’m sorry.” I put my hands on
my chest, trying to push back my violent heart that was beating loudly. But now
was not the time to be feeling relieved.
Since I knew from the voice I heard
earlier that the person supporting me was a man, I promptly looked around.
While I heaved a relieved sigh
because nobody had seen us, I put a hand on the arm wrapped around my stomach
that was supporting me.
“… I am fine now. I deeply apologize
for the trouble I’ve caused you.”
I was aware it was a bit rude of me,
but it wouldn’t be good to be seen in this posture by someone.
I twisted my body and gently
separated. I slowly went down two steps, then when I turned around to bow and
present my thanks once again, the person who was there was unexpectedly him.
“Eh?... You’re Soleil’s…”
While I had become petrified in the
middle of lowering my head, he whispered that without trying to hide his
surprise.
A familiar head of reddish-brown
hair. Someone who has been a friend of Soleil for a long time.
… Yes, I certainly knew this face
well. He was always beside Soleil in the academy.
Even after graduation, he was a
person who would belong to the same knight group as him and become his partner.
As Soleil’s fiancée and after I had
become his wife, I’ve met this person any number of times but in my remaining
memories, I didn’t recall having a conversation with him even once.
He was always gazing at me as if he
was observing me. Looking at me with a gaze that was never friendly, seemingly
wanting to say something. However, he had never said anything.
“…”
“…”
We stared at each other silently.
Fortunately, class had started again, so there was no presence nor any sign that
someone would come over there.
His reddish hair that was gently
fluttering was kind of nostalgic for some reason. They reminded me of the
numerous lives which had already ended.
I hadn’t had much involvement with
the person who was currently so close I could touch him. It was so in all my
lives so far. This was surely because he himself didn’t have a good opinion of
me.
However, I thought that he had
developed friendly relations with Silvia. As a friend of Soleil to the last.
… … Oh, that’s right. It happened on
the day of my wedding to Soleil.
Although he hadn’t given me the
slightest word of compliment, he was the person who had greatly praised Silvia.
I thought he did it instead of Soleil, who couldn’t compliment Silvia in front
of the bride.
To that child who was wearing a
beautiful flower ornament in her silver hair, he said, “You look like a
princess.” In front of my eyes, he declared so without the slightest bit of
reservation.
I bet he wasn’t even aware that it
hurt me. For him it was only a banal compliment, a normal event not worth
mentioning.
“… I am truly grateful for your
help.”
Since we were simply single-mindedly
staring at each other, no progress was made.
Making a weak smile, I lowered my
head. I thought it would be fine if it looked like I was feeling bashful.
When I tried to turn away and leave
before being told anything, he called out to me, “Wa-wait please.” His voice
echoed in the empty staircase where it’s only the two of us.
Because of it, I certainly couldn’t
pretend to not have heard him. When I exhorted my wavering heart and looked
over my shoulder,
“Are you feeling unwell somewhere?”
I was taken aback by the words I
hadn’t expected. His expression really seemed like he was truly concerned about
me. … … But it shouldn’t have been the case.
“No, I am fine.” Although I tried to
deny it while shaking my head, now that someone else had pointed it out, I
realized I was truly feeling bad. It seemed my breath was hot like I had a
fever.
The corner of my vision started
becoming vaguely fuzzy and just as I narrowed my eyes, the world lost its
colors. As if a curtain was closing, darkness slowly came.
“You’re so pitiful, even though
you’ve been reduced to this state, you’re still believing in Soleil, aren’t
you?”
I was seeing a hallucination. I knew
it, so I blinked a few times; but instead of driving away the darkness, I saw
iron rods lined up vertically at regular intervals.
At that moment, damp air covered the
surroundings. The heavy air obstructed my throat.
Cracked stone walls, a floor covered
in mold and slime, the stench of something unknown.
In the distance someone was
groaning, the sound of metal being beaten with who knows what echoed in my
ears.
One after the other the stinking
smell and that scene were being revived. I remembered everything.
Ah, I see, it’s the prison.
When I rose up my line of sight
absent-mindedly, on the other side of the iron bars, someone is standing here,
looking down on me.
That man was looking at me who was
collapsed on the floor, staring at me fixedly.
“This guy won’t come. It’s a pity,
but he truly, won’t come.”
… … This, was a memory of my first
life.
“I’m sorry for you but it’s the
reality, you know?”
The words he fired as if he wanted
to persuade me, kept falling as if they were stones being thrown at me.
It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. It hurt
as if my skin was torn apart.
Even without anyone having to do
anything specifically, I will die soon.
That’s how hard the blow I took was,
that’s how much I had been injured.
And yet, why was he specifically
trying to stab me with a finishing blow?
“It’s stupid. You’re truly a fool. …
You can try struggling and denying it all you want, but no one can reverse
fate.”
In the jail where light wouldn’t
reach, his hair, which should have been of a shining reddish brown like a
polished coper coin, appeared very dull.
I no longer understood what kind of
emotions were dwelling inside his eyes. My voice wouldn’t come out and my
consciousness was muddy. Even I understood my end was approaching.
That’s why I had wished to meet
“him” in my last moments. He had… Soleil had turned away from me and left
without looking back even once. He kept ignoring the crying voice of his wife.
I remembered this scene, his leaving
back, my extended fingers that couldn’t reach it.
“He and she, met by fate. No, their
meeting was unfortunately predestined. Your will had nothing to do with this.
It’s called ‘destiny’ precisely because one can never fight against it.”
That’s why... everything you did...
was in vain.
The voice that announced this, might
have sounded like it was overflowing with pity.
Even while I thought we hadn’t met
much, he specifically came to see me who was restrained in this jail.
Besides, I really must have been a
fool since I was trying to notice a special meaning in his words.
“You’d better give up and die.” Soon
after I pondered over his words thrown out in a whisper, my consciousness was
cut. Was I merely fainting, or rather, did I…
… Just like his words, did I die?
“… Lady Ilya?”
Before I realized it, the young man
was peering into my face, at a distance close enough for our breach to touch.
The present was like this. It wasn’t that jail. The him who had reached
adulthood wasn’t there.
Although my shivering lips tried to
form some words, they stayed stuck in my throat and only a faint breath could
pass. It seemed like I would tumble down if I tried to force them out, it was a
sensation as if the blood in my whole body would come out.
I am scared.
I was very clearly aware of this
fact. Why did he appear in front of me now?
I would surely have been glad if he had
done so in my previous life, or the one before.
But he never involved himself with
me even once. An exception only happened once. And it was our chance meeting in
that prison. That only happened in my very first life.
I didn’t remember my last moments.
It should have been the case and yet, today in that instant, I recalled that
dreadful moment terribly clearly.
Something has started to change. I
felt it.
As we were facing each other, our
gazes entangled.
“Are you really alright? Your face
is completely white…” Just before his stretched-out fingers gently touched my
cheek, I retreated back one, two steps back.
In all my lives until now, I never
had such contact once.
The heel of my swaying and trembling
right foot slipped.
At that time in my first life, the
person who told me, “You’d better give up and die” was laughing.
“Lady Ilya?”
It seemed like I was about to fall
down but I barely managed not to. Unable to look straight at his face, I left
that place.
While my whole body was quivering in
chills I couldn’t shake out, the past I had wanted to completely forget spread
on this side of the real world.
As he was laughing, tears were
falling down. Then, he said it.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
