7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis –
7
“... Disappear! Disappear! Disappear
disappear disappear! Be gone! Be gone!”
When I saw her screaming while
crying, I finally realized. That I was terribly mistaken.
I believed that no matter how much
she rejected me at first, eventually she would accept my existence. And I had
hoped that one day, we’d be able to reach a mutual understanding even without
using words.
I was convinced that there were such
bonds between us, who had been together since childhood.
But in the end, it was only my
conceited assumption. Emma always continued to deny my existence.
The fact that I remained by her side
despite this was probably due to pure obstinacy.
It’ll be alright, surely, it’ll be fine. She
will eventually accept me.
I encouraged myself with these
self-persuading words. I stayed in her field of vision as much as possible, and
from time to time, I tried to reach out to her.
I knew I couldn’t touch her, but I
still did it. I thought that maybe she would do the same and extend her hand
toward me. Then one day, when I reached out to her for the nth time, she, who
had continued to ignore me until now, suddenly started to scream.
She faced me and yelled,
“Disappear!” She repeated it until her voice withered, many times over and
over.
The woman, who continued to scream
with a rather atrocious expression, definitively hated me. To the point that I
thought her ferocious glare would smash me into pieces.
Then, since that one time, she never
looked at me again. Not even once.
But even if she pretended not to see
me, I couldn’t help but continue to watch over her.
Even though I had lost my body long
ago, once again, I seemed to fade away starting from my fingertips. Actually,
it was as if I didn’t exist.
Maybe I just saw a dream, I thought as my lips perked up. ... somehow, I started to smile
helplessly.
And so, when at last, she sold the
estate she had lived in together with me, I didn’t even feel disappointed. In
the first place, I already knew she had made arrangements to sell it off, so I
wasn’t even surprised.
I just felt once again that, she was
truly letting go of our memories together.
She sold the house and got on a
carriage without bringing with her even one thing from our home, never turning
back even once. She firmly stared ahead of her, not even casting a regretful
gaze back.
From her appearance, I could
perceive her strong will to start a new life. She looked too calm, even
somewhat indifferent.
Seeing that woman I didn’t know made
me think of the many years and months that had gone by before I realized it.
All this time, she must have been living a “proper”' life without me.
So, when Emma later started living
with a man I didn't know, all I could do was accept it.
To begin with, I didn’t even know
where they had met.
Unbeknownst to me, my wife spent her
time with people I didn’t know.
A long time ago, she had looked at
me with sparkling eyes when I said I wanted to live quietly together without
servants and build the foundation of our family life.
This ephemeral dream had disappeared
without ever becoming a reality... or it was supposed to. She had made it come
true with another man.
And from here on, surely, Emma will
survive this life without me.
Between her and “him,” there
certainly were some bonds, it felt like no one could get between them.
Even if she pretended not to see me,
my existence seemed to fan her anxiousness, and from time to time, Emma made an
uneasy expression like that of a child. When she became like this, he would
gently hug her. The two of them seemed to be deepening their bonds every
minute, every second.
Seeing him spread his arms as if to
say he treasured Emma, I realized there was nothing I could do.
I could clearly visualize the future
where one day, they’d become husband and wife, have children, raise them, and build
their family.
That’s why, I realized I was reduced
to an unneeded existence.
Then, I steeled my resolve to
distance myself from Emma.
...... Like she had wished, I
disappeared from her sight.
In my mind, I could picture her
relieved face as I ceased to appear. Her gray eyes must have shaken with
relief, then she heaved a little sigh. Last, she would say something like, I’m glad it disappeared.
And so, I irrepressibly wanted to
cry, but not a single tear could spill out of my eyes. I wanted to shout, but I
couldn’t emit a sound.
With my light body devoid of
substance, I first left the country.
Only once, I tried to visit the
doctor who had cast the spell on me, but his clinic had already become
completely vacant. I heard some rumors saying that apparently, he had been
afflicted with a serious illness for several years. Maybe he had even already
passed away.
He, who exhausted all his efforts to
cast this spell for me...
... I couldn’t even say a few words
of farewell to him.
********************
Then, I went here and there,
spending an absurdly long time all on my own.
Because my body didn’t have any
substance, I didn’t need to prepare a dwelling somewhere, nor did I need living
expenses. Since I didn’t need to eat either, I truly only wandered around.
I visited several countries,
loitered around many towns, passed by many people. Among them, there were some
who showed a reaction after seeing me. But they all made the same face as
someone who had seen a ghost. Some people straightforwardly called me a ghost, so
in short, it seemed that I didn’t appear visibly in anyone’s eyes.
Had the doctor’s spell failed? Or
was it supposed to be that kind of magic in the first place? There was no way
to find answers to these questions, and before I noticed, I stopped caring.
That’s how little my existence
registered in people’s eyes.
As the years passed, the number of people
who could “see” me decreased.
Putting it simply, it showed that
the number of people who had magic power diminished. People like me or my
father, who have a huge amount of magical power, became scarce.
Before I noticed, the occupation
“magician” became obsolete. But that being said, it wasn’t like it completely
ceased to exist. It continued to exist as a profession, but became something
extremely restricted and reserved for a few special individuals.
Eventually, will people completely become unable to see me?
When was it again that, while my
mind was being dominated by this thought similar to a feeling of resignation,
at the same time I became driven by a sense of nostalgia.
The memories of my childhood
replayed in my mind. It was the days I spent with Emma. I could no longer
remember father’s face, even the color of the curtains in the mansion where I
was born and raised was very vague.
Yet, I still remembered the
dignified appearance of the flowers she decorated the mansion with, even though
I didn’t know their names.
I wanted to see her. I couldn’t help
it.
I might be rejected again or maybe
she will not see me anymore.
Still, I irrepressibly wanted to see
her face. I wanted to call out to her.
One word. One word would be enough,
but there was something I wanted to tell her.
I couldn’t speak, so naturally it
won’t be transmitted to her.
Nevertheless, there was something I
wanted to say.
“...Ah, you came...”
I rode upon the wind and flew off.
Then, the place I finally arrived at, was the house where she was supposed to
be living with “him.” It was still the case, she was still living here.
Seeing this, my heart welled up with
all kinds of emotions I couldn’t describe. The house looked much older than at
that time, and even though I didn’t have any sense of smell, I smelled the odor
of “a family.” In other words, it was proof they had lived there.
When I walked around the house to
observe it, I noticed that one of the several rooms seemed to belong to a
child, but it had already fulfilled its role. I could see traces of toys that
had been abandoned in one corner or a collection of fairytales on the
bookshelves, which seemed to have been used for a long time. Rather than
loneliness, the quiet room evoked a feeling of serenity. The whole house felt
like a place where an elderly couple was comfortably living.
She was in the bedroom.
She was napping leisurely on the
wide bed. Maybe “he” went out to buy some groceries, but anyway, she was alone.
When I stood by the bedside and
looked down at her, she opened her eyes. On her wrinkled face, a small light
was shining in her shrunken eyes. It was my beloved ash-colored eyes.
Something looking like medicine was
placed on the table by the bedside. She seemed to be suffering from some kind
of illness. ......I wonder if it’s a serious illness?
When I was assailed by uneasiness
and fell into a daze, she gently smiled.
“Rya. Where have you been?”
For a second, hearing her ask me
this so naturally, I was confused.
I knew that trying to talk to her
was meaningless, yet her name crossed my lips.
“Emma.”
When I did that, she smiled with a
joy that came from the bottom of her heart. Then, she told me, “Welcome back.”
“There is something I wanted to tell
you, no matter what. So, I prayed to God. That you’d be brought to me. I
thought you might not make it in time. But my wish was granted,” she said as
she extended her hand towards me.
Even though I couldn’t grasp her
hand, I took a step forward and shortened the distance between us. Our hands,
which were unable to touch, loitered in the air.
Yet, she didn’t care. Acting as if
our hands were actually touching, she gently curled up her fingers around mine.
“Hey, do you remember? The day we
got married... Because having a wedding ceremony didn’t suit us, we held a
little party in the garden of the estate.”
Looking at her slender eyes, which I
dearly missed, I simply nodded. Seeing this, she heaved a seemingly satisfied
sigh and continued.
That day, the weather was certainly great. I remember how blue the sky
was, as if someone had hung a light blue curtain of silk above us. At that
moment, for the first time I learned how pleasant an early spring sky felt, and
I laughed. We hadn’t invited many guests. There were a few friends we made when
we went to the academy and several aristocrats we socialized with in high
society. Since they weren’t very high-ranked nobles, we weren’t forced to be
overly careful of every little detail. And so, we simply had lunch together and
I think we managed to have a really good time.
I can say with confidence that, no matter which moment of that day you’d
pick, I enjoyed them all.
“That’s right. That day, we received
a strange gift.”
Emma narrowed her eyes and looked
into the distance. A friend from our school days gave Emma a little box.
“Inside, there was an ebony bird....
Yes, a black bird.”
In the country where she grew up,
black birds were said to bring misfortune.
Yet, many people chose to offer it
as a gift in wedding ceremonies. Because handing over a black bird at someone’s
wedding held a different signification.
In the past, people gave a cage with
a real bird inside, but black birds had become extinct, so at some point it was
replaced by a decoration.
“By inviting a little misfortune
over, you can ward off a bigger one. You told me that’s the meaning it had. ...
Ah ah, even though you were so disinterested in that sort of thing. Where did
you even hear that from?”
I didn’t hear it from someone, I
looked it up myself. A normal wedding ceremony, what was it supposed to be
like? Emma had also said she wanted to experience that “normality,” so I rummaged
through books.
Now that I think back on it, rather
than investigating it, I should have asked someone. It would have been a lot
easier this way, but at that time, I felt that doing the research myself had
meaning. Doing something for her sake made me happy. It was merely for my
self-satisfaction.
“The customs in this country have
changed, haven’t they?”
Once again, Emma slightly
smiled.
“Then, nothing unfortunate ever
happened. I was even happier than before we got married. There wasn’t a single
sorrowful thing... ... That’s why... you see, when I lost you...”
She seemed to be suffering as she
heaved a sigh. With the hand that wasn’t extended toward me, she pressed down
on her chest atop her clothes.
“Hey, Rya.”
Her head still lying on the pillow,
she looked straight at me. When I stared at her face, I saw my reflection inside
her eyes. With that strong gaze, she looked in my direction.
“In the place I was born, black
birds... were said to bring both good and bad luck at the same time.”
One day suddenly, a black bird appears at the window. Then it’ll speak
in human language, and people say it’ll ask you one question. To the people who
answer correctly, it’ll bring happiness. To those who don’t, it’ll bring
misfortune. She
narrated such a story.
“Rya. Do you remember what happened
when you picked me up? You asked me something.”
“...”
“You asked, do you want to live together from now on?”
To this, I said yes. ... Surely, it was the right answer.
Emma whispered this as a lone tear
dropped from her eyes.
“...Rya. My black bird.”
“You brought me such happiness.”
Then, she closed her eyes.
“I... was happy. ... After losing
you, I thought I could no longer live. But because you had brought me such
happiness.... the joy you gave me never left me, it always, always stayed by my
side.”
“Emma”
“That’s why, that’s why... I’m
sorry.”
“Emma”
“I... was happy. Even after losing
you, I could live and be happy.”
“I became a wife, I became a mother,
gained a family. I wasn’t alone. ... This life without you, I lived it happily.
I’m sorry, Rya.”
“I... was very, very happy.......”
Her eyelids opened once more and her
moist eyes looked towards me, as if they were peering into my face. She blinked
several times, then once again, she quietly closed her eyes.
It looked like silence and stillness
were engraved on her face. Her expression couldn’t possibly look gentler and
calmer. It seemed to show how happy a life she had led.
I was happy, so happy, that I have no regrets left. I’m satisfied with
this, even if my life ends now, I have no regrets, was what her little, faint breaths seemed to
be telling. Her breathing... stopped.
I looked down at her, standing
still, unable to react. I could only watch.
Even though it was the person I so,
so wanted to meet all these years, I started regretting having come here.
Even though, by chance, I could
witness the last moment of my beloved person.
Even though I could spend time
together with her.
All this, almost looked like a
nightmare to me.
“...... I was lonely.”
She could no longer hear me, but I
still suppressed my voice by putting both hands on my mouth.
I felt like I was about to confess a
sin. The thing I desperately wanted to tell her was... Even if I lived alone,
there was no meaning. Even now, I still dearly treasure Emma.
Yet, I couldn’t convey a single
thing I wanted to tell her.
“I was... terribly... lonely.”
I never imagined a life without
Emma. I thought that being by her side was the most natural thing, that living
together was a matter of course.
I often remember the time I was
thinking like this.
Then, when I thought of the happy
life I couldn’t get, I came to detest everything and anything, wondering why it
became like this.
Although I couldn’t do anything, I
wanted to do something. But I didn’t have any way to.
“A life without you was pointless. Without you, I... wasn’t happy.”
She must have felt guilty for living
happily even without me. She surely wanted to ask for my forgiveness.
Yet, I couldn’t give her any words
of comfort. I was disappointed with that part of myself who somehow wished she
had been the same as me.
I wanted her to say she was lonely
without me. That she couldn’t become happy if I wasn’t here.
I have never wished for her
unhappiness. Still, I couldn’t tell her I was glad she was happy. ... ...
No matter what, I couldn’t.
“Emma.”
“Don’t go.”
“Don’t go.”
Don’t leave me and go.
Whelp.. Poor Rya... Still, his sense of time just keeps getting worst and worst doesn't it? How long will he live? For how long will his magically powers last??
ReplyDeleteMany thanks
Well he still alive when he met Ilya. Soooooo... a very long long time. The hell i want to know what he meant by "I have found you.. my princess..."
Deletea black bird who give happiness in cost black bird's happiness.
ReplyDeletemany thanks for your translation..
ReplyDeletei read this novel since a few days ago and can't stop. why i like this story so much, am i enjoying other people's suffer? poor rya T.T
my question for this chapter is... is really emma can see rya? or she think that's just some hallucination?
i still quite confused in rya's magical power use
It's unknown if she could really see him or not, the author didn't say it clearly. Personally, I believe she did. Because this time, she wanted to see him.
DeleteThank you for the chapter.
ReplyDeleteEvery chapter is just more pain yet I can't stop checking whenever there is an update.
how long do i have to suffer now till the next chapter now*sad face*
ReplyDeleteAnother sad chapter.....
ReplyDeleteWhen will someone, at least just one person, have a happy ending in this story
Btw I'm still wondering about his "I have found you.... My princess.."
Is it possible that actually Ilya is Emma's reincarnation?
I'm not sure. From a spoiler I read, it shouldn't be the case, but the spoiler itself wasn't about that, so it's not sure. We'll know once I get some translation done. Currently I'm working on uni projects, looking for Christmas gifts and procrastinating. Mainly the last one thought.
DeleteI suspect that Emma is Ilya's ancestor.
DeleteThank for the chapter
ReplyDeleteStill Miss Illya fakkkkk
I hope arc timeline back to Illya
Idiot.. you can just write gesturing word that you are lonely or you are indeed real even without physical body... she can't hear you but can see, right? What kind of magician that can't even think these simple way to communicate -_-
ReplyDeleteHmm.. i smell NTR from crow too. I guess crow become closer with Ilya since she also get NTRed by her sister?
ReplyDeleteKind of sounds like Ilya's bad life came from this selfishness... smells like by mistake this Rya guy got her entangled in it's magic... hell... wizards are scary, just an emotion out of sync and see what suffering brings to others IMAO
ReplyDeleteOh my, I know is a good thing that Emma managed to live a happy life after Rya's death, still ... it makes me a little upset , her life was miserable before meeting him and he gave her everything everything.
ReplyDeleteSo I too hope her to live with a lingering sadness in her heart. Why was Rya the only one suffering? Life is just to unfair..
I feel so sorry for him. Thank you for the chapter!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for translating this. This story is tearing me to pieces BUT ILL SURVIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
ReplyDeleteno something be kicking me , whta if ilya is a reincarnate of emma idk T0T
ReplyDeleteThis is even more painful than anything Illya has gone through, ouch this got me so hard I'm fucking crying
ReplyDeleteso true, what Rya went through in total is much more than the hell Ilya lives in....
Delete