Chapter 46

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 6

 

Emma cried restlessly, to the point that it seemed she would be engulfed by her grief and stop breathing.

In fact, seeing her cry while gasping for breath made me think dying might have been easier for her. If at that moment, I had had hands that could have hugged her... I would have strongly, strongly embraced her until I’d choked the life out of her.

I knew I was thinking of stupid things. But if that could save her, a part of me thought it wouldn’t be so bad.

 

…… I see. Is this what “death” is?

 

My sensations were too vague. Maybe I arrived at this thought that I would never have had if I had been in my normal state, because I was actually experiencing for myself what it felt like to be a deceased person, what death felt like.

It wasn’t an ambiguous feeling like what I had felt until now, where I didn’t know whether I was alive or dead. I firmly… this way of saying it might be a bit strange. Yes. I should say, I properly understood I was dead.

If souls existed in this world, then, wasn’t the me right now something close to it?

If that was the case, then maybe a person with the so-called ability to sense the supernatural might be able to see me.

When I unexpectedly reached this idea, I tried to call out to her, who had now fallen into a trance.

 

But at that moment, I realized I had no “means” to prove my own existence.

 

She had cried and screamed to the point that her voice was now hoarse.

Although her appearance was clearly visible to me, I couldn’t stroke her back, I couldn’t tell her it was alright. Even though I wanted to let her know I was still here, by her side.

The arms that should have supported her, the legs that should have rushed to her, the voice that should have encouraged her, I had nothing.

 

“Rya…! Aah… Yes, well, of course you’re not here…!”

 

For a second, I had an uncomfortable feeling as if the flow of air itself had stopped.

She suddenly started to speak, then she laughed. It was an awfully crooked smile, a smile that induced dread. Then, still holding my clothes in her arms, she rushed out of the room.

Confronted with this unexpected situation, not a single servant who had been surrounding Emma managed to react in time. When eventually, they came back to their senses and chased after her in a hurry, it was already too late.

Emma had exited the manor’s gates and was following the road leading to the market, rushing somewhere while calling my name in delirium. During that time, she passed by a familiar merchant on the roadside. Seeing her conduct, which was nothing like her usual gracefulness, he stood gaping.

So, it didn’t take long before Emma caught up with a passing person and called out to them.  

 

“Have you seen a man… with black hair and black eyes who looks very young? It’s a man who’s called Rya… Kaliarya Ignis…”

 

She had been crying until just a while ago, so her breathing wasn’t steady yet.

She desperately squeezed out her hoarse voice, and while it was still jolting up sometimes, she questioned people. While they were startled to be called out, these people only shook their heads.

Yet, Emma didn’t give up. Her face was pale, her legs wobbling, her hair disheveled. But she continued to ask people.

The market she eventually arrived at was a place I frequently stopped by on my way back from work. Here, I chose fruit for Emma.

 

 “Madame! Madame! Please, wait…!”

 

A servant, who had finally caught up to her, called in a shriek, trying to stop her.

Well, he was right to. Because a woman, who was wearing attire that clearly let others know she was a noble, was calling out to anyone and everyone, almost clinging to them in despair.

But she didn’t stop. Not giving the slightest care about her outward appearance, she gave up on her reputation and abandoned everything.

 

She kept calling my name, calling out to me. 

 

It can’t be, I thought, while continuing to look at her.

We were supposed to have prepared ourselves for this moment. For when I’d lose my life.

But now that I thought it over, what I needed to do wasn’t to prepare for the moment I would die. It was to “prepare her” for that moment.

Even though I should have made her ready to accept the future where her husband would die, I only thought of myself, I made light of her feelings for me. 

 

“He should be somewhere! Someone, someone…! Haven’t you seen him…!!” 

 

If things continued like this, she would lose her mind.

I must do something. Because I was the only one who could save her.  

 

Someone! Anyone! Please, hear my voice, help her……

When I was strongly, silently praying like this… my consciousness was dragged by something.

As I was standing beside Emma, looking at the scenery surrounding us, the scene in front of my eyes started to spin around. It was a tempestuous sensation, like being swallowed by a sudden gust. I couldn’t resist at all. I was being dragged somewhere.

While such sensations were overwhelming me and I kept doing nothing but calling Emma’s name…

 

“…Poor thing. You’re in such a state…”

 

Suddenly, I heard such a voice.

When I “looked around,” I realized I was “standing” inside a familiar room.

By reflex, I tried to speak, but as expected, I couldn’t emit any sound. The impression that I was standing there – was it only a trick of my imagination?

I wondered about my current state and whether or not it wasn’t just my consciousness that was floating in the air?

 

“You lost your body and only your magical power is left. Was your consciousness imbued in it…? No, I wonder what it is? It’s my first time seeing such a strange phenomenon.”

 

The doctor was talking calmly, his words similar to raindrops falling rhythmically one by one.

Ah, I see. This place is the clinic I visited before, I understood.

 

“But it seems our wavelengths are matching. I can somewhat guess your will and what you’re trying to say. … … That being the case, yes, right, hum…”

 

The doctor was looking at the air, his soft face looking a bit sharp.

Ordinarily, magic power couldn’t be seen. It was something that could only be “felt.”

That’s why, since I had been reduced to a lump of magic power, it was quite unbelievable to say that our gaze met, yet it still felt like we were staring at each other.

 

“You cannot hold any object either… but maybe, letting others see an illusion is possible…”

 

He was sitting on a chair, writing down something, but his hand soon stopped moving and he abruptly stood up. Then he went to pick up several books from his collection on the bookshelves and said, “I’m not a specialist in this field of sorcery so... it might not work out, but…”

As before, his line of sight was loitering across the room, but he was certainly looking “towards me.”

 

“It’ll take time, you know. Since I’ll also have to consult experts on this.”

I agreed with that man who was smiling daringly.  Even though I wasn’t clear on what he meant by this. I guess this was what you’d call my last hope. There was no one else I could rely on, and I felt that if it’s him, he would manage to do something.

That might be precisely why my consciousness had unconsciously flown here.

 

“Surely, the fact that you appeared in front of me is the answer. If something like fate exists, then we must have been led to each other.”

 

The doctor muttered so, like he was talking to himself, and after sitting down on his chair again he opened a massive book.

You can stay here if you want, but it’ll take time, he once again said the same thing as earlier. Well, I guess time no longer matters to you anymore.

At that moment, I found a faint hope in his words. I believed that “hope” was, as the word said, something that would illuminate my future life brightly.  

 

With this, she’ll also be able to sense my existence. I could live with her once more. I’ll be able to save her, or maybe myself.

Such frivolous thoughts crossed my mind.

 

******************

 

I didn’t know how long it took to complete the magic spell.

As the doctor had asserted beforehand, maybe it took a long time. Or maybe it was shorter than I imagined.

The thing that was certain was that a certain amount of time went by. The doctor retained his youthful appearance as usual, but his features still showed that several years had passed.

 

Then, thanks to magic, I became an existence “that could be seen by others.”

 

“In the end, it’s just a spell. So, you won’t be able to touch people and vice versa. You’re simply giving a “shape” to your magic power. Thus, the people who have a weak magic sense will only see “a figure.” In the first place, your presence won’t be reflected in people’s eyes.”

 

As the doctor said, I could somewhat transmit my will, but I didn’t become able to speak.

That was because I didn’t have any vocal cords to emit sounds with. On the other hand, I could hear other people’s voices not because my ears were functioning but simply because I felt the “wavelength” emitted by my conversation partner. At least that was my opinion on this topic.

But there were still some punctual things I didn’t understand. What caused an inconsistency was that I was a lump of magical power, but I also had a soul. Everything related to the soul and spirit came within the domain of God, so it couldn’t be explained.

But even like this, I thought it was enough. Anything was fine. It was better than this previous state where no one could perceive me.

Even if I couldn’t regain a body, I could “be seen” by Emma. There was nothing else I wished for more than that.

 

When I looked down, I saw my hands. I could close my fingers and it was possible to wave my hand.

Even if I understood it was an illusion, it completely felt like I had come back to life.

 

“I’ve tried to consider for what purpose you wanted to create this magic. … Well, even without thinking about it, I could guess it was for your wife. Thus, this spell became a magic spell specifically made for her sake. In other words, she’ll be able to see you without problems.”

 

Did he look into my past? The doctor seemed to know my personal life very well. But maybe it was necessary in order to create this spell.

He made a little pause, then asked, “Have you made your resolve?”

I tilted my head, wondering what on earth I needed resolve for, but he gave me a detailed explanation, “… For you, time may be infinite, but for us, time is something too short.”

I tried to read the true meaning between his words and strained the “eyes” I wasn’t supposed to have. But I couldn’t perceive anything.

And so, I didn’t notice how at that time, he cleanly drew a line between me and “them.”

 

I was only thinking about Emma.

 

I wonder what she is doing now. Is she looking for me again? Isn’t it lonely, living in that large mansion? When I meet her again, I won’t be able to talk, but I can listen. Perhaps it’ll be enough. What matters is that we’ll see each other’s faces. Surely, it must be.

 

In that way, I desperately tried to convince myself. Then, when I went to meet her…

 

“…Why?” I was asked in a squealing voice.

 

The woman, who was standing in the familiar entrance hall, was wearing a much simpler and washed-up robe than the ones she had in the past. Maybe because of these clothes, her complexion seemed very pale.

Because everything was dead silent, when I looked around, wondering if there wasn’t any servant, I saw that the sheets were hung on the paintings and empty flower vases.

When I looked closely, I saw that the chandeliers hanging from the ceiling were covered in dust. I tilted my head, thinking the atmosphere was strange, but at that moment...

“What is happening…?” Emma whispered in an absentminded voice. I came back, was what I tried to convey, but naturally, my voice didn’t come out.

I hadn’t considered what kind of gestures I should make in order to be understood by her. Even if I regretted not having made more preparations before coming to meet her, it was too late.

Looking obviously confused, thrown in confusion and shaking from head to toe, she stretched her hand towards me. But her fingers quickly slipped through my body.

At that moment, her eyes opened wide and her expression became shocked and frightened. Then her lips trembled with fear and she screamed.

 

More than an ear-piercing sound, it sounded like a grim and pathetic cry.

Yes, for example... it felt like you’d lost someone right now, in front of your eyes. It might have been like the voice you’d raise if you were suffering too much.

I think her voice echoed across the whole mansion. It was then that I noticed something was out of place.

 

The mistress of the house had screamed, yet no one had come to check what happened.

Not even the senior employees, like the person working as the steward, appeared. Maybe there really was no one?

No, that’s just not possible. It was the estate itself that brought forth the atmosphere of a ruin. This mansion was the place where we, Emma and I, had built the foundation of our lives together. Yet the flowers that had been arranged there and here were nowhere to be seen.

 

“…Emma! What the hell happened to you…!”

 

For a second, I thought my voice had resounded. But that couldn’t be the case.

I didn’t know where he came from, but a man appeared and forced his way between us. From his movements, I realized he couldn’t perceive me… he couldn’t see my appearance.

In a shaking voice, Emma answered, “There, he…” The man turned back and looked in the direction she was pointing, but he bent his head with a puzzled expression. “…What? Is there something there?”

 

“You can’t see him? For you, he is invisible…?” 

While Emma repeated the same thing in an incoherent mutter, the man gently embraced her dainty body. The back of the tall man completely hid her. His low voice whispering, “It’s alright,” sounded so far away to me.

I couldn’t see it well from where I stood, but his hands were surely stroking her back. Seeing this affectionate gesture, pain arose in my chest. My heart, which hat should not be there, was screaming.

 

“I must have gone mad. You see, you see… it feels like he is standing there.”

 

I didn’t understand what was happening there. As she kept whispering, “He is… he is,” the man answered, “…No. There is no one there. You’re simply seeing a hallucination.”

 

After all, isn’t he dead?

 

Yes, right. You’re right, while she nodded back several times, her slender fingers grasped his back.

As expected, I could only watch. Watch Emma’s fingers as they embrace him. Those fingers, which had been scraped on the floor when they gathered the sand that I turned into, were completely healed. As if it was a lie that such a thing ever happened.

 

“I, might have gone mad,” her muttering voice echoed.

It seemed to make my non-existing eardrum shake, and pierce into my brain.

 

“Let’s quickly sell the estate and start our new lives. This way, I’m sure you’ll get back to how you used to be. Everything is going to be alright.”

 

A gentle, very gentle voice told her so. Even though these words didn’t hold any might or hostility in them... they deeply gouged out my heart.

As if to get me out of her sight, Emma buried her head in his chest.

 

“Isn’t it fine already? You’ve suffered more than enough, and I think it would pain him to see you like this too... So, you must move on. I’ll also do as much as I can to support you, I’ll always be by your side...”

 

I was petrified. Unable to move even one step from where I stood, I heard this man’s voice as he begged her in a whisper, So please, somehow, forget about him.

Then, when I heard his following words, “Your husband passed away many years ago,” I finally realized the reality.

 

For her, since already a long time ago... ... I was dead.

 

“Yeah, you’re right. He is dead. Rya, is dead. My husband... is dead.”

 

The words Emma repeated, as if to persuade herself, felt like they took everything away from me. 

          

Chapter 45                                                             Chapter 47

Nocta’s explanation:

About this part at the beginning:

It wasn’t an ambiguous feeling like what I had felt until now, where I didn’t know whether I was alive or dead. I firmly… this way of saying it might be a bit strange. Yes. I should say, I properly understood I was dead.

I’m sorry if it got you confused. Rya is saying that since he is dead and no longer has a physical body, he cannot sense something physically, firmly, strongly. So, he corrects himself and uses a synonym. 

Chapter 45

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 5

 

“It’s a corpse, I think… No, that’s not exactly it. I should say that… it’s something like a corpse?”

 

I also thought this the first time I met him, then time passed and I once again felt it now that I met him again. He had a dignified occupation, meek behavior and a courteous tone, but he looked somewhat unreliable and frivolous.

The first time I met him, that man was already in his twenties. Fifteen little years had passed since then, so now it wouldn’t be strange if he had crossed his mid-thirties. And yet, his appearance was very youthful.

When I unconsciously stared at him fixedly, he slightly bent his head and asked, “Are you listening?”

 

“… I am. … But, what do you mean?”

 

Thinking about it properly, I guess I might have understood his words.

But my head did not work well. There was no strength in my voice, which tried to suppress its tremor, it must have sounded like I was afraid. In fact, I was helplessly scared.

 

“Your… this body is… more dead than alive. But, it’s not like it’s truly dead…if I have to say whether it’s alive or not, then, it is, I think.”

 

I listened to his quite incoherent monologue. For an instant, I imagined me grabbing his chest and shaking him, screaming that I wanted him to be more intelligible.

But then I inhaled a deep breath. Because I didn’t have a right hand.

Far from raising my voice, the real me stayed still on the chair, and only my left hand shook with a twitch. As my throat had tightened, I could only continue to take a few deep breaths.

When he asked me if he should prepare some beverages, I shook my head to refuse and tightened my left fist to hide my shaking. Then, to escape the observing gaze of the man in front of me, I looked up at the ceiling of the clinic.   

 

The lightly stained ceiling looked old. But I knew it was properly cleaned. I didn’t see any spiderwebs or dust. This doctor might unexpectedly love cleanliness.

Then, starting from the ceiling, my gaze wandered meaninglessly across the room. In the corner of the definitely not large examination room, there was a little bookshelf. Teaching materials related to magic were lined up on it.

I remember that in the past he told me he was “a doctor very familiar with sorcery.”

 

“Hey, you. Are you alright? Are you listening to me?”

 

That’s why I wasn’t wrong for choosing to come here. I shouldn’t be.

 

“… I’m listening.”

 

But I couldn’t accept what he was telling me so naturally at face value.

……Maybe I heard wrongly? Yes. I must have made a mistake. As I thought, he said something strange. I should ask him again to confirm it. And yet…

 

“Why?”

 

What came out of my mouth were words even I didn’t expect. It was done unconsciously, but a nuance of blame tainted my voice.

 

“At that time, didn’t you say that… nothing was strange?”

 

His eyes opened wide for a second, then he nodded his head and said, “That’s right.”

 

Seeing his meek expression as his sleek bangs fell on his eyes, I felt a sense of déjà vu and gasped.

No wonder. When he examined the young me who had been thrown into father’s magic square… I’m sure he made the same expression.

No matter how tense the situation was, that man never felt impatient. For someone who worked as a doctor, this tolerance was necessary.

 

“Did you lie?”

 

Each time words left my mouth, I lost some warmth. I felt a chill on the back of my neck, as if a drop of icy water were running down and it made me feel like vomiting.

I was quite impressed with myself for unexpectedly being able to properly continue the conversation despite this.

 

“No, I didn’t. At that time, there was no abnormality at all. At least, I didn’t see one. There shouldn’t be any mistake with the judgment I made.”

 

In the past, this man had boasted that he was working as father’s assistant. If this was really true, I wonder if he knew what father did to me. If he did, then why wouldn’t he tell me anything? 

I tried to complain, but now I realize how futile it was to ask. Currently, my body has fallen into a helpless situation. The result of the sorcery father cast on me couldn’t be reversed.

 

“…… However, after this, since I haven’t examined you at regular intervals… I do not know in what way your body changed during this lapse of time.”

 

I apologize, he said while lowering his head, but it felt like he didn’t understand the seriousness of this crisis.

No, that’s not it. Maybe he himself might have been bewildered by that overly severe problem. When we faced each other, I noticed that his gaze was swaying.

 

“This is only a conjuncture but… your body might have reached its limits a long time ago.”

 

It aged forcibly. Maybe to fit you better, said the doctor as he touched my cheek. “You are not growing, because you cannot grow.”

When I unconsciously tried to escape from his hand, he strongly restrained my movement.

“Stay still.”

I didn’t know what he was looking at but he moved my face to the right, then to the left, then he heaved a little sigh.

 

“I think that the fact that you can move without any problem even now is thanks to your huge amount of magic power.”   

 

Then, the doctor gently touched my right shoulder. It was a careful gesture, as if he were touching something fragile.

In a smooth motion, his hand slid down then lightly grasped my upper arm, and when he confirmed that there was nothing from my elbow to my fingers, he frowned.

When I came to this clinic after losing my arm, I had explained everything beforehand, but he also surely had to confirm it himself.

Because there was nothing inside it, my right sleeve swayed helplessly at every little movement. He slowly folded it up, then examined my arm. His eyes were full of pity.

 

Seeming to sympathize with me, he opened his mouth several times, but in the end, he didn’t find any words to say and sank into silence.

 

The silence continued for a long, long time before I managed to ask if there was any solution.

Even though I already knew such a thing didn’t exist, I couldn’t help but ask. Sure enough, after another moment of silence where his words were stuck in his throat… he said a single word, “Sorry.” His voice sounded pained. Even though he was speaking with an informal tone, his apology just now was different, it sounded solemn.

That told me everything. Instinctively, I pressed on my chest to ascertain my heartbeat. When I felt a pulsation through the palm of my hand, I heaved a little sigh. At least right now, I was alive. This was certain …… or so I thought.

That’s why, conscious of my daringly bright voice, I declared, “My heart... is beating.” When I did so, the doctor, unable to hide his bewilderment, laughed dryly.

 

Then, he asked me, “Really?” For a second, I thought he was messing around with me.

So, I tried to rebut him, but ahead of my gaze was a serious look I couldn’t resist. While my mouth stayed open, I held my breath.  

 

“Maybe this is all a dream your magic power is showing you.”

 

In truth, your heartbeat has already stopped, your pulse doesn’t beat, even the fact that you’re breathing is an auditory hallucination, an illusion… Maybe you’re already dead, the doctor told me.

“I already said it earlier. You seem to be alive and you’re dead…… But it’s not like you’re completely dead either. If I have to say if this state could be called being alive or not, then it can… maybe.”

He declared this almost as if my existence itself were a dream, an illusion. His words were too cold-headed, but they felt like the truth. If that body has already finished its role as a living organism, then, what was there was only a lump of flesh.

 

To suppress my tremor, I took several deep breaths.

I realized that doing this might be meaningless. If all the gestures done “in order to live” were pointless, then I didn’t need to breathe.

 Even though it was so painful. Even though my breathing could accelerate like this. Even though struggling to breathe was what it meant to be alive.

Could everything really be just a figment of my imagination?

 

Even though I’m alive, I’m dead. Even though I’m dead, I’m alive.

 

“… What should I do? What the hell... should I do…?”

 

My body was shivering so much that it was miserable.

If this wasn’t being alive, then how would you call it?

Even though that’s what I thought, the doctor in front of my eyes simply shook his head. “… I apologize but, I’m a doctor. I can only cure those who are alive.”

It was a cruel remark. But he surely knew that showing a half-basked kindness here would be a greatest form of cruelty. In order to not give me futile hope, he clearly told me the truth and facts only. A good and experienced doctor would understand that it was the right thing to do.

 

Having already lost all my will and energy, I could no longer question him.

Although I actually had many things that I wanted to ask him, the questions were unable to take form and disappeared.

 

His line of sight followed me when I finally stood up. Despite having told me very harsh words, I understood he was concerned about me. He, who had not offered me his help.

 

Because he probably knew that he couldn’t help me.

 

********************

 

If I were immortal.

 

When I first thought about this, the thing that crossed my mind was Emma.

If I had to keep living eternally. If this was truly what was waiting for me, then she would definitively leave this world before me.

Picturing myself left all alone in this world, I trembled in dread.

 

…… I never thought I might die before her. I did not even imagine this.

 

“… So, then, that means that, Rya, y-you might di-disappear suddenly?”

 

When I came home, I told her that I went to see the doctor but I didn’t explain in detail.

Emma hadn’t said she would come with me. It’s because I talked her into looking after the house while I was away.

Then, when I came back from the clinic and opened the door of the entrance hall, she was there. She looked at me with an anxious face. Just looking at her was enough to know she had accumulated a lot of weariness, and I realized she must have been waiting there for hours.

Maybe the servants had already retired to their rooms, but there was no one by her side and she was standing all alone in the wide hall. For a while, we stared at each other without saying anything. For a very long time, we remained quiet. In this room where silence ruled, I felt into the disillusion that only the two of us existed in this world. Perhaps, it’s an ambiance we created.

No matter how many servants we lived with, no matter how many people we met, we couldn’t accept another person.

 

I could say with confidence that for each of us, the other’s existence was our everything… … As such, we needed some resolution and preparedness.

 

“Emma, sorry.”

 

I repeatedly inhaled deeply and finally managed to tell her the truth. Starting from father’s inhuman deed, I told her everything without hiding anything.

As a result of trying to explain it in an easy-to-understand way, it unintentionally sounded like a tale you’d narrate to children. At times, she nodded or shook her head, and I didn’t know if she understood or not, but she listened to my story till the end with barely any interjection at all.

Then, after having heard everything, her eyes plainly reflected her despair.

 

While I was in the middle of narrating my story, I was often at a loss for words and frequently wondered if it was something she ought to hear or not.

 If she continued to not know anything, like the time before I lost my arm, then I wondered if we would be able to go back to these unchanging days.

But I knew very well that this selfishness of mine couldn’t be allowed. She had the right to know, and I had the obligation to tell her.

 

Otherwise, we couldn’t make “our resolve.” The resolve to face the coming days.

 

“Such... such a thing... no.”

 

Her shaken voice became hazy before disappearing.

There was no way for her to hold back her grief. I could see many lines marking her round cheeks. Realizing they were tears took me a while because she had been crying too quietly. She didn’t sob convulsively, she didn’t leak any weeping sound, her tears simply fell down one by one.

Is there a way to save you? I shook my head at her question. Then I added, This is inevitable.

Feeling a throbbing pain in my chest, I understood my own words were tormenting me.

Unconsciously, I pressed down on my chest with my left hand, but after doing that, I wondered if this was also an illusion. I thought of something unpleasant.

 

But even if my body has already met its death, my heart was still here and is complaining with pain. It was an undeniable fact.

 

“I won’t be able to bear it. I’ll never, ever be able to stand it. Rya... Rya. I cannot leave without you. I cannot…”

 

She tightly grasped my chest with her little hands and looked up at me in panic. Her grief made the air shake.

“Rya, Rya,” As she called my name again and again, I couldn’t stand to see her agonize so much. All I could do was to gently pat her back and earnestly keep saying, “I’m sorry.” I didn’t even have any words of comfort.

 

……After that, how many years did we spend together?

 

Every morning, every night, she was afraid. If, at the very least, we had received a verdict regarding my remaining time, we might have been able to sort out our feelings, but no one could even predict when that day would come.

 

That’s precisely why Emma was scared of nighttime, saying, “When I think that you might disappear the moment I blink, I cannot close my eyes.”

Then, she also feared the morning, “When I wake up in the morning and think you might have disappeared while I was sleeping, I cannot open my eyes.”

 

Daytime was daytime, she barely got any work done and kept coming over to check on me.

Although I wanted to go back to our usual lives as much as possible, in the first place it wasn’t something doable. If our positions were reversed, I’d surely act the same way as her. I would stay at a distance where we could confirm each other’s appearance and I would tightly hold her hand from time to time. As long as time allowed it, I would simply spend it by her side, not doing anything. Even though I knew going on like this wasn’t good. But I didn’t know what else I could do besides this.

By chance, we had a lot of assets. We had enough room to live even without doing anything. However, the servants didn’t really look favorably on our overly idle lives. But whether they decided to watch over the situation or they were simply confused by it, no one raised any objection.

 

In spite of spending our days dozing off under a gentle sun, our hearts seemed unrelated to this calmness.

When we entered the bed at night, Emma hugged my body and trembled. I also put my arms around her back and strongly, tightly held her in my arms, but I couldn’t stop my shaking.

I’m scared, she whispered, but there was nothing I could say to her.

 

And then, one day, in front of her eyes, I turned into sand.

 

When it happened, we were sitting side by side on the sofa.

After taking some time, she had managed to regain just a bit of her composure. She smiled and said, Maybe I should get back to work soon.

I was genuinely glad. So, I nodded and answered, You’re right, that would be great.

While we were both smiling and I was about to stand up, thinking of getting something to drink, my vision suddenly blurred.

 

“…Rya.”

 

Her eyes, which were staring at me; couldn’t widen any more than they already did at that moment.

 

“No, no… Rya! Rya!!”

 

I tried to ask, What happened? but then I noticed that the words didn’t come out.

Not only that, but even the arm, which was about to soothe my screaming and pale wife, was nowhere to be seen. When I felt that my fingers were touching something crisp and lowered my gaze, I saw that my left arm had crumbled into gravel.

Was I the one who gasped? Or was it Emma?

 

“Wait…, wait, no, no!”

 

Ah. Bloody hell.

 

I felt that’s what I thought, but I couldn’t collect my mind.

Screaming my name, Emma tried to hug me, who was turning into sand, but it wasn’t going well and she yelled again.

On the sofa and the polished floor, pieces of me were scattered. They fluttered in all directions while dancing in the wind.

While screaming, Emma stretched her hands, seeming to not exactly understand what was happening. She tried to gather me who had fallen apart. She clasped to her chest my shirt and pants that had gently fallen, and scraped up together the gravel that had scattered around her. As if she thought that by doing that, she could restore me to my previous shape.

She slipped off the sofa and fell on her knees. She moved her hands again and again, gathering up what used to be me. She resembled a young child who was playing with sand. 

 

“Rya, Rya, why… Why, how come, why…?”

 

When she eventually noticed that collecting sand was meaningless, she stood up while still hugging my clothes.

At that moment, servants gathered in the room, wondering if something had happened. Their gazes were clearly puzzled as they gazed at the sand scattered in the room and their crying mistress. Someone called out to her, “Madame, what happened here?”

But Emma only kept saying my name. Madame, Madame? called out the servants, yet she didn’t seem to hear them. She only enumerated cryptic words. 

 

“…Rya, Rya, where… where, are you…? Are you… trying to trick me?”

 

You are, right? Her reddened eyes abruptly swung from left to right.

 

“What happened to you!! Where are you!! Rya…!! Rya !!!”

 

She was screaming to the point I thought she would tear off her throat. I had never seen her yell so loudly. And with that so loud voice, she was calling me. She did that while scratching off her chest, as if she was in so much pain that doing nothing would be unbearable otherwise.

Emma called my name again, and again, and again and again. Her gaze was roaming around. She was truly looking for me. Even though she had seen her husband turn into sand with her very own eyes, she was still looking for me.

 

And I, despite having lost my body, was “looking” at her. Yes. I was only, merely looking at her.

While my wife was screaming in a loud voice and was crying with a reddened face like that of a newborn, I couldn’t reach out for her.

Once again, she fell to her knees with a loud bang and started to gather the scattered sand, her nails scratching off the wooden floor. 

 

Emma, Emma. Stop. Stop.

 

Even though that’s what I thought, as expected, my voice didn’t come out. It’s natural since I didn’t have any vocal cords.

“Rya! Rya!” Emma kept calling me, even if her nails were broken, even if blood incessantly oozed out of her fingers. With a bloodcurdling expression, she didn’t miss even a single grain of sand that could have been lodged in the crack of the floorboard.

Her clearly deranged figure was completely different from her usual prudent self.  

 

I could not watch it. This was not her. She was losing herself.

I had to help her. I thought so, but I could only watch, unable to stop her.

 

Even though I should have lost my eyes and ears, those very own eyes of mine were watching my beloved person fall into despair. Her tragic shrieks were etched into my ears.

 

A real miscreant was someone who, just like what was happening now, would do nothing while watching a person suffer in front of him.

 

 

Chapter 44                                                         Chapter 46

Nocta’s evil thoughts:

Were you happy when you saw that the chapter was early? Now that you have read it, are you feeling down and regretting reading? Yes, you are very welcome! I did tell you it was awful…

I didn’t dare read the next chapter, but I’m betting it’ll be… like in the movie with Bruce Willis The Sixth Sense, maybe? I think it’d be the most effective way for the author to make us readers frustrated and to show us the agony of both Emma and Kaliarya ^^