Chapter 38

If this is the real end – 21

 

“It’s too late, the calamity and misfortune are already happening,” was what I answered him in a far, very far away life.

But in fact, I didn’t really remember when that misfortune had started.

The beginning of my repeating lives was always the tea party where Soleil was introduced to Silvia. That’s why I had thought like this.

 

The beginning of everything was that tea party. 

           

If exactly as Marianne had said, there were events in life that couldn’t be avoided, then that tea party could be counted among their numbers.

Because at this point in time when the tea party unfolds, I, who didn’t know I was a person with the unique characteristic of always repeating the same time again and again, inevitably introduced them to each other.

In other words, it was because their encounter was inevitable that it could be called fate.

It was also at that moment I would realize fate was something which could not be changed.

 

“… … Lady Ilya?”

 

Marianne, who was about to leave the room, turned back.

The door was opened and a maid of our house was waiting there, looking toward us. I also saw the servant Marianne had brought along with her.

 

“… Ah, no, no I am fine.”

 

She had only called out my name but when I looked at her face, I realized she was worried for me. Even though she was shaking her head, I already had one foot out of bed. It was an action I made, urged by a feeling of uneasiness.

“… What happened to you?” she asked me, but my heart was gradually beating faster and faster, and I lost my calm. In an incoherent muttering, I repeated “I am fine,” but I tumbled and fell from the bed.

“My lady!” Reacting quicker than Marianne who tried to help me, the maid rushed into the room in a fluster. While I was still on my knees, clinging to the maid who was trying to help me up, I asked her, “…Silvia is?”

Although it was a maid attached to my service, we had never talked beyond necessary. That’s why she made an expression as if I had just spoken cryptic words. I simply wanted to ask her where my little sister was, but by just saying her name, my intention wasn’t conveyed.

Once again, I tried to repeat the same question, but I realized the inside of my mouth was dried up and parched.

 

“If this is hell. If you’re receiving your punishment. Then, what kind of sin did you commit?”

 

Crow’s voice echoed inside my head.

Since this life never went well even if I repeated it, I had concluded that maybe, there was no point, no meaning in returning back in time.

The one who created a stir and raised a question about this way of thinking was him.

And then, the me at that time thought like this.

           

… … I wanted to find happiness.

I dreamed of a life I could spend together with my beloved person. In other words, it was the same as tearing apart the two people who had been tied together by fate.

           

It was the same as wishing for someone’s unhappiness.

I was convinced this was exactly what had started the beginning of this hell. However, this was no more than the guess I made myself, I, a person whose head was thrown in disorder and despaired because of my repeating lives.

 

“Why is it happening to you and you alone?”

“Why is it only you that repeat the same time?”

 

The overlapping whispers, like a phantom’s voice, pushed me into a corner.

 

“Silvia is... right now... where is she?”

 

These last few days, I couldn’t leave my bed, so I couldn’t quite pour strength into my legs.

“… Lady Silvia?” The young maid who looked at me at point-blank range frowned. Then, she shook her head, her shoulders a little stiff, “I do not know.”

She may have been ordered to not say anything so that Silvia and I wouldn’t come in contact. The maid’s arm I was gripping was obviously tense.

 

“Lady Ilya, are you really fine?”

 

Now that I had finally managed to stand up straight with the support of the maid, Marianne looked into my face.

Afraid she would perceive my unrest, I reflexively turned my head away, but I realized doing that was much more unnatural. The simple fact of staying calm was difficult.

 

“… Lady Marianne.”

“?”

“The things I cannot avoid… No, the fate that mustn’t be avoided, if I were to avoid it, what on earth would happen?”

 

I wasn’t expecting an answer. In fact, Marianne was tilting her head, making a bewildered expression. Although she had spoken of the essence and true nature of “fate” just a while ago, nothing of the sort remained in her.

This may be the intention of the existence ordinary people like us couldn’t comprehend, the purpose of this force that exceeded human knowledge.

 

Such an existence would surely be what people called God.

 

If that was the case, then I’m afraid I was probably going against God’s will.

Yes, that’s why. That may be why I fell into this hell. I had distorted fate.

Then the price I had to pay for this was…

 

“… I am deeply sorry, Lady Marianne. I must go.”

 

Aware that I was a bit rude, I gently pushed Marianne aside. “…Lady Ilya?”

She had taken a step forth, about to follow me, but then she was overwhelmed by the severe atmosphere and stopped on her track, noticing what was happening wasn’t a trivial matter.

As I couldn’t tell her my circumstances, I stirred up her suspicion. I knew that, but when that voice called out my name, I couldn’t turn back.

I would collapse if I didn’t clench my teeth and endure the pain. But each step I took, I ascertained the sensation of the carpet under my feet and became able to walk firmly.

Maybe I was rousing myself up, or maybe my will had nothing to do with this.

           

I called out Marianne’s servant, who was on standby at the entrance, to exchange places with him and leave the room. When the preparations for the carriage that will take them home are ready, the servants of our house will inform them.

The moment the door was closed, I felt like I heard my name being called again, but I didn’t turn back in the end.

 

“… Is Silvia currently out of the house?”

 

When I questioned the maid who had come with me, her gaze wandered for a brief second.

She was probably thinking about what kind of excuses she could make up. But as a result, this casual gesture of hers answered my question.

No matter how many times I experienced it, I could never get accustomed to the sensation of my blood withdrawing from my face and extremities. My fingertips abruptly lost their warmth, the pulsation of my heart speeded up.

Even though I understood my body was acting strangely, there was nothing I could do to prevent it. The thoughts in the back of my head jumbled, wondering in a panic, what should I do? What should I do?

 

“Lady?”

 

Leaving the puzzled maid alone, I followed the corridor.

Since I knew guests were coming today, I was wearing an indoor dress, it shouldn’t be unsightly. Although its quality was clearly different from what I wear when I went outside, it was still something made to be worn by a noble young lady, so it was a very valuable piece of clothing.

On such occasions, the mediocrity of my face was useful. If this dress was put on a woman like Marianne, who you could guess was a noble just by seeing her gorgeous looks, then it would become obvious how this clothing wasn’t made to be worn outside. Therefore, it would attract people’s gaze.

However, that wasn’t true in my case. For example, even if I went downtown like this, no one would point at me to criticize my attire. This dress was plain but it perfectly fulfilled its role as street clothes.

The fact I had mediocre features while I lived in a gorgeous world had always festered an inferiority complex in me. Today was the only day I thought it might not be such a bad thing.

When I exhaled a long breath, a self-depreciating laugh also escaped my lips.

 

“My lady, where are you going?”

“…To Silvia.”

“Lady Silvia?”

“Yes.”

 

I was stimulated to move by the sole thought that I had to chase after her. I had a destination in mind. I already knew where that child would be.

 

“…My lady!”

 

As I only looked ahead and proceeded forwards with determination, the maid walking behind me called out. I could have ignored her, but her voice, which sounded as if she was at her wit’s end, made me feel uneasy and I unconsciously turned back.

Since I was about to get down a staircase, I looked at her while standing in an unnatural position, and saw a servant appear behind her. Seeing how rough his breathing was, he must have run to chase after us.

As the maid was looking at this chamberlain, who could still be called a boy based on his young features, I also moved my line of sight towards him.

The servant, who had probably received permission to speak, suddenly gasped then tried to talk. He was probably faltering while facing me, as I wasn’t wearing a very calm expression right now.

 

“M-my lady, Lord Soleil has come. Since some time ago already, he has been waiting in the parlor.”

 

He was a lot earlier than the prior informed time.

However, he was the son of a marquis and my fiancé, he should not have to wait in another room. Did he know that Marianne was here, or was he simply showing some restraint and thoughtfulness because I had a guest?

In any case, he had certainly taken my situation into consideration. Even if I was in the middle of receiving a guest, if it was him, no one would blame him if he were to intrude into my room.

 

“What would you like to do?” When I was asked that question, before giving an answer, my feet started moving on their own.

 

… … The stage was set. But only the chosen people would stand under the spotlight.

Each and every one of them would have to carry their own role, guiding the story towards its demise. I had been granted the role of making them stand on that stage.

That was precisely why I couldn’t become one of the actors.

 

“I wonder if Lord Soleil has a sword?”

 

When I stopped trying to go down the staircase leading to the entrance hall and turned back, the maid and chamberlain behind me showed a bewildered expression.

No one caught my muttered words.

 

*******************

 

“I would like to receive an explanation from you first, but,”

 

A possible description of this color would be the blue sky being reflected on ice floating on water.

Looking at Soleil’s eyes, I casually thought such a thing. It might be because there were only the two of us in this narrow room, I couldn’t help but have such thoughts.

Although I was the one who made things become like this, I was completely perplexed.

 

When my vision was suddenly shaken, I knew the carriage we were riding in had finally started moving.

 

“You’re still in convalescence. Is it really fine for you to go out?”

 

When asked such a question, I quietly nodded.

It would be hard to say I was fine, but saying I wouldn’t be alright was also not completely true. Maybe he had sensed it, but he frowned and added, “You don’t look like you are alright.”

The reason I reflexively averted my gaze at that moment was because I didn’t have the composure to receive it. In other words, I neither acquiesced nor denied his words.

I guess that, due to this situation, or because of the nature of this gesture itself, it became a very ambiguous answer. Making others understand your own mental state was terribly difficult. It was especially true for me.

 

Until now, I had always perceived the ups and downs of my emotions, and every time my choppy heart was pierced by it. As if an uneven ground was trampled and forced to become smooth.

 

Nevertheless, it was easy to see that, currently, both of us were bewildered.

He was probably even more perplexed than me. After all, even I, who understood the situation, was so shaken and disturbed by it.

 

“I already told you earlier, but there is a place I must go no matter what. Even though you have taken great pains to come to the estate, I apologize but…”

“… No.”

 

Soleil, who shook his head to indicate he didn’t care about it, didn’t avert his gaze from me even for a moment. As if he was trying to peer into the depths of my heart.

 

Although we had just departed, we were sitting side by side in the carriage which moved with such speed it seemed it was being driven quite recklessly.

As the wheels were making a loud clattering noise, we couldn’t hear what the other said unless we raised our voices. For this reason, we inevitably had to bring our heads close to each other’s to talk.

It may have been the first time since we were children that we were talking at such a close distance. Even at that time, I couldn’t say we had exchanged a lot of words, but we had still laughed together.

Now it had already become a thing of the distant past. It was all the more distant due to the years I had unremittingly repeated after the tea party.

 

“Don’t you have a fever? Your complexion is bad and you are trembling.”

 

Soleil softly patted my shoulder. It was a gentle gesture like touching something delicate.

Due to the too-close distance, I could see the details of his face well. Normally, his expression should be harder to read than when I saw it at a distance. Yet, I could read his expression to the point of understanding it even too much because of the length of the time we had spent together.

For a third party, he would still appear like someone whose thoughts are impossible to guess.

 

“Lord Soleil, I want you to listen to my request.”

 

His hand slid down my shoulder and stroked my back.

There wasn’t any hesitation in his gesture, as if he was doing it all the time.

 

“You have been like this since a while ago. But you won’t clearly tell me what you want. And so, I don’t know what I should do. I can’t decide whether it’s right to heed your wish or not.”

 

Although he was quite direct in his speech, it didn’t feel like he was rejecting me.

His eyes were only looking at me. His ears were listening closely to my voice, as if to not miss a single word. His face inclined in diagonal seemed to exude gentleness.

When I stared into his eyes, it’s almost as if I would misunderstand him and think he understood my feelings. In fact, you could say I was extremely conceited. And so, the several “me” from all the accumulated lives were sending me warnings.

But no matter how many lives one would live, the true nature of a person wouldn’t change. I was always trying to trust him.

Even though I already knew how foolish it was, I always repeated the same fault.

 

“… Ilya…?”

“Lord Soleil, if you could promise me to protect one thing, everything would be fine.”

“… One thing?”

“Yes.”

 

I took his hand that was stroking my back and tightly clenched it. From how rugged the palm of his hand was, I could tell how much training he must have gone through.

It wasn’t like today was the first time our hands connected. Since I always attended balls as his fiancée, I had danced hand in hand with him.

But despite this, I wasn’t familiar with the palms of his hands. It wasn’t like he didn’t exert great efforts too. I realized anew that, in order to bear the responsibility of becoming the future marquis, he had devoted himself to his studies like me.

The fact I only realized it this late was because I was always thinking of myself only.

 

I, who stood beside him as his equal, always steeled myself. After all, I needed to think.

I always wondered if I was a suitable person for him, how I appeared in other people’s views, if I was acting appropriately for a lady.

 

… … I had always been thinking about myself only.

 

“From now on, no matter what happens, please be sure to protect my little sister without fault.”

“… Your sister? You mean Silvia?”

 

Because I couldn’t enclose his whole big hand with mine, I was only clenching his fingers.

Despite being surprised at my unusual action, maybe it was a reflex, but he also squeezed my hand back.

 

“What the hell is going to happen? What the hell are you trying to do?”

 

The carriage suddenly shook and both our bodies lightly jumped off our seats.

Without anything to support it, my body fell down, but he caught me by the arm and stopped my fall.

“It’s dangerous,” his breathing hit my cheek. I felt a scorching pain at the sensation of being in contact with his skin at such an excessively close distance.

We had once lived together as a married couple. But physical distance and the distance between our hearts were two different things.

Even if his body was by my side, it didn’t mean his heart was close too.

 

Even now it was the same but… …

 

But it felt like his heart was slightly closer than usual.

 

When he came to our house supposedly to visit me, he had prepared a bouquet of flowers.

If it was only this, I might have paid no heed to this gesture of basic etiquette. It wasn’t unusual to bring flowers when visiting someone sick. On the contrary, coming empty hand was the same as showing impoliteness to the other party.

He had surely not thought deeply about this and only followed proper manners. Since he was a gentleman, even if he didn’t favor me, he wouldn’t lack courtesy.

 

However, the flowers he had chosen, were white. 

 

It was a bouquet composed of a variety of flowers of different sizes, and maybe he purchased it at a florist, but several expensive flowers with large petals were mixed in it.

It was as if, among all the vividly colorful flowers existing, he had only picked and gathered the white ones.

Originally, white flowers were offered to the deceased. You couldn’t say they were a good omen. If one were to receive such flowers, no one would complain if they cursed and accused the other of being rude.

But, since the one they were for was me, it was a different story.

 

I had never said it even once, yet he knew. He knew the color I liked… the flowers I liked.

 

“… … Lord Soleil, today, what did you come to our house for?” 

“… What? Ah, no, but... to see you, since you are unwell.”

 

Despite the abrupt change of topic, he faithfully answered.

 

“Yes, that is right. I know that. I am very grateful for your thoughtfulness. However, that is not the only reason you came, right?”

“…”

 

I sent a letter saying I injured myself. I told him I would take a leave of absence from the academy for a little while. I used a roundabout way to tell him that, depending on the situation, our engagement might be broken, but I said it in a way he would surely understand.

However, there was no answer. He didn’t say anything. Then, suddenly, he came to visit me.

This meant he had something to say that should be said directly in person rather than writing it in a letter. Saying he had only come to see me had no persuasiveness at all.

 

“… That you didn’t need to worry about anything.”

 

Inside the carriage, which once again shook greatly, his words were very hard to catch.

He must have guessed it. So, he took one deep breath and,

 

“I wanted to tell you that you didn’t need to be anxious about anything,” he told me.

 

“In the letter, you didn’t explain anything, neither how you were injured, what you were worried about… But when I looked at you lately, I sensed that something was troubling you. That’s why I wanted to tell you this in person properly.”

 

He said this slowly, as if he was measuring or choosing each word cautiously.

 

“… …”

 

The fact that my heart was quivering was surely because of his words.

In the depths of my heart, in a place where there was originally nothing, something I couldn’t catch a glimpse of jolted and made a sound.

 

“… Behind your injury, there must be some deep circumstances. I hope you will tell me about it someday when you feel you can talk. I won’t press you to speak. Besides,”

“…”

“If it’s a question of time, from now on, we’ll have plenty of it.”

 

In my blurring field of vision, I could see Soleil’s face. If I don’t close my eyes, I will cry.

I was aware of this but I couldn’t even blink. I didn’t think he would say those words. There were words I had kept telling myself any number of times.

 

“From now on, I’ll have plenty of time. So, it’s fine. One day, we will become close to each other and live together.”

 

I whispered this again and again and again. I remembered that.

 

“Just hearing these words…”

 

Is enough, was what I intended to say but my voice didn’t come out.

But even without saying it he should have understood. His eyes widened and he whispered,

 

“Why are you saying that. … It’s almost like this is the last time we talk. That’s how it sounds to me.”

 

It wasn’t like everything could be written off because of one event.

I lived lives he didn’t know about. Each time, I tasted despair. I couldn’t write off all of them.

Because it was all the experiences I accumulated in them that formed the “current me.”

 

That’s why I no longer wanted to deny “myself.”

 

“Lord Soleil, if you cherish me even a little, won’t you please grant my request?”

“Ilya.”

“This is a stage prepared for Silvia’s sake. That’s why, I am fine. It is alright. But, that child needs you. For this child, it can only be you, Lord Soleil. That’s why, please, I beg you. Won’t you please save that child?”

“Ilya, what the hell are you talking about? I don’t understand. I cannot understand anything. In that situation, it’s impossible for me to move as you wish….!”

“… No, no it is fine. Lord Soleil, I am sure you understand. What is it that you ought to do…”

 

I hit the middle of his chest with my index finger.

 

“I am sure your soul knows.”

 

Soleil kept blinking, making an expression as if he had been attacked by an enemy in an unguarded moment, and brushed off my finger. Then, immediately, he seized my arm.

 

“What are you talking about, Ilya? What the hell are you trying to say?”

“… Lord Soleil,”

 

Please, swear it to me, the words I repeated disappeared under the noise of the wheels.

 

“There is something wrong with you! What you are saying is strange. You seem almost like you aren’t yourself. Ilya, why the hell are you doing this?”

 

A sharp pain ran through the arms he grasped strongly. Now that I noticed, it was the arm on which the wound was.

I reflexively brushed off his hand, my features distorted in pain. I felt I could bear the pain by doing that.

 

In truth, I wanted to grasp his hand.

 

Even if I struggled fiercely and drowned him under jeers, I wanted him to swear to never ever let go of me. No matter how stained and corrupted this body was, if these hands could simply embrace me tightly, I would be satisfied with only this.

 

“I am, Ilya Il Matisse.”

 

If, a personality was something you were born with and then was shaped by all the experience accumulated thereafter, then, I was probably not the “Ilya’ he knew. 

 

The Ilya who only looked at him. The Ilya who only wanted him. The Ilya who didn’t need anything apart from him.

Even though this was true, the old me wanted a lot of things. The affection of my parents might have been one of these things.

Besides, the reason why I exerted so much effort to become a person worthy of the marquis house was because I wanted to be recognized by high society.

Even Soleil’s parents, I wanted them to take a liking to me. I also thought of wanting to triumph over all the people who opposed our engagement.

 

“Ilya would not look at me with such eyes.”

 

When I opened my closed eyes, Soleil said, “Where did she go?”

There was something that sounded quite plaintive in his trembling voice.

For a while, I lost my voice. It was almost like Soleil was searching for me. For the me who should no longer be there anymore. The me before I repeated the same time.

In other words… …

 

For the me who existed before the tea party. 

 

At once, I answered back, “I am the only me, and I have been here since the beginning.”

However, he directed a dubious gaze at me. And so, I grasped his hand once again. He twitched an eyebrow and shivered, yet he didn’t clutch my hand back.

Then, he whispered in a faint voice,

 

“Just now, it was you who spoke?”

“… Eh?”

“Was it you who said that if I cherish you even a little, you wanted me to grant your request?”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t it obvious I hold you dear? You are my fiancée.”

“… Yes, that is true. … That is true…”

 

I wondered if this could be taken as his promise to grant my wish?

I sighed and breathed, trying to calm down and get rid of my impatience.

The same noise of the carriage wheels and the horses stomping on the ground was still echoing, yet like an illusion, the inside of the carriage fell into a deep silence.

“Ilya?” My name was called and I could sense his anxiety from his tone and his mood.

 

“Lord Soleil, there is something about Silvia I need to talk about.”

 

Even though there was no one else but us, I lowered my voice. Maybe he didn’t hear me well, but Soleil tilted his head toward me.

So, I talked to him as if I was resting my head on his shoulder.

 

“… About Silvia?”

“Yes. About her birth, and her parents.”

“What?”

 

What are you talking about out of the blue? Soleil’s voice filled with surprise at this unexpected topic resounded in my ear.

I didn’t know if what I was doing was right. But, I thought I wasn’t wrong. The fact I was still a bit reticent and uneasy was because betraying the secret of someone else brought along feelings of guilt.

When I became unable to bear these feelings, I quietly looked outside the window.

 

Seeing the unfamiliar scenery, I understood we were quite far from town.

 

It was naturally me who told the destination to the coachman. When I ordered him to drive at the fastest speed he could, that person holding the bridle had opened his eyes wide.

Then he explained with a few words the itinerary until our destination.

 

In terms of distance, the shortest route was to go through town. However, we couldn’t make the horses run in the middle of the city.

So, rather than going through town at a safe speed, he explained it would be better to make a detour and have the horses run at full speed. 

 

Just by hearing his words, you might think he was quite considerate and enthusiastic about his work. But under his hat his gaze held a slight curiosity.

He didn’t say it, but there was no doubt he wanted to ask, “what the hell do you need to go to that place for?”

 

We were heading towards that place.

 

“… What do you mean?”

 

Soleil’s low voice and breath hit my earlobe.

When I retrieved my gaze from the window, I met his piercing gaze.

 

“… … Silvia’s life is being targeted.”

 

That was my conclusion. That child’s life was being targeted by someone.

That person wasn’t my mother who had mixed drugs in her tea.

That was completely a personal intuition.

 

If I believed in fatalism, in the inevitable fate Marianne had spoken of, then, the “destiny” I had avoided in all my lives until now, wasn’t it, in other words, the tragedy Silvia encountered in my first life?

In my second life and thereafter, I moved around so that Silvia wouldn’t lose her life in this tragedy. As a result, that child continued to live safely after that time.

But as a consequence, she was attacked by a disease and died. How about the lives after that?

 

I didn’t know when it started, but at some point, even if I didn’t do my utmost to protect her, that child wouldn’t encounter that situation where she was attacked by robbers.

 

Everything had started on the day of that tea party……

No, that was wrong. It’s just the place where my life starts repeating.

So, I misunderstood. The starting point of my repeating life wasn’t that calm afternoon.

 

The beginning of everything was.... That summer, that “fateful day.”

Yes, wasn’t it that day Silvia was assailed by robbers and died?

 

Fate leads.

Everything comes back to that day.

 

That day Silvia died for the first time. 

 

 

Chapter 37                                                 Chapter 39

Nocta’s thoughts:

Two chapters left for this arc and who knows how it’ll end?

In Asia, white is the color of death and mourning, not black.

It’s interesting how the beginning and end of the chapter connect well. The talk about fate, and how Ilya misunderstood about the tea party being the starting point of everything.

Seems like now, she is planning for Soleil to fight the bandits himself and save Silvia? But why would they attack now? And how is that different from saving Silvia by arresting the robbers herself after her marriage? Who knows…