Chapter 48

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 8

 

My life after having lost Emma, was made of empty days. But that being said, even my sense of time became dim, and I had no clue how long I had been alone.

Before I knew it, the people who could “see” me completely disappeared. Until now, although they were scarce, there had been cases of people coincidentally meeting eyes with me.

But unnoticed, such a thing didn’t occur any more. In other words, I think it meant that people who owned magic powers died out. There may not be anyone who can use magic anymore. 

 

While the occupation of being a magician still barely existed, it was treated the same way as being an illusionist. Only children who tend to daydream would say they could use magic. If an adult were to claim that, people would laugh at him with scorn.

The world changed like this. The era changed. Between the lump of magic power that I was and “the world,” a huge estrangement came to be. Maybe even I, myself, was no longer existing anywhere anymore. Eventually, I started to think that way.

The scenery I was seeing, the sound I was hearing—maybe everything was only an illusion, maybe all this time, I had been dreaming of them. Surely, that must be it. If it wasn’t the case, “what” the hell did I become?

...... When I was thinking such things...

 

... I came across “that.”

 

In the big city of a certain country, when I was being jolted by the heavy traffic, unsteadily riding on the wind, I felt like something was calling me, and I entered the back of an alley.

Even though I knew it was impossible for someone to have been calling me, nevertheless, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to check it out. Because I had so much free time after all.

The gloomy alley was filled with trash and was a place completely unrelated to the notion of cleanliness. When I strained my eyes to stare into the darkness, I noticed a pair of fiery eyes shining there. As I stared at the pair of yellow pupils, a little “meow” resounded. Its long tail was slowly swaying from side to side, as if to say, “you finally got here,” so I reflexively chased after it.

 

Although humans couldn’t perceive me, animals seemed to have more than five senses, as expected. From long ago, dogs and cats sometimes showed reactions indicating that they could see me. It was unlikely they had any magical power in them, but maybe they were simply sensitive to my presence.

To begin with, it was dubious whether I could be perceived as a “human being” or not. Perhaps, in their eyes, I only looked like a strange light. I thought this latter hypothesis was more likely.

 

While following the unhealthy skinny cat, I felt I was being led somewhere. The fact it kept looking back, as if to confirm I was properly following it, must have had some sort of meaning.

 

The place we eventually reached was an old door.

When I took some steps back from the way I came to look at the whole building, I noticed a small horizontal billboard by the door. The painted characters were so weathered they were completely unreadable. It looked like it would crumble in pieces if you touched it, and it was so worn-out that it made me think there was no meaning to having hung it there.

As I was standing stock still in front of that signboard, the hinge of the door made a creaking sound. When I looked in its direction, the face of an old woman was half peering out of the open door.

 

“... Is it a customer?”

 

Her hoarse voice echoed in the damp and dark alley.

I couldn’t nod at her question, because even though I understood it was some kind of shop, I had absolutely no idea what the hell they would possibly be selling there. The old building, which looked so deteriorated it could collapse at any moment, presented not a single distinctive feature.

Then I remembered about the cat that had brought me here and my gaze loitered around, but it had gone and not a shadow was left of it.

 

“Ah, it’s this little fellow again. Looks like another troubled one. Every single one he brings back is like this.”

 

My goodness, said the old woman as she shook her head and sighed.

Then, she asked, “Since you took the trouble to come here, won’t you take a look inside? It’s just a humble doll shop but... do you have any interest in them?”

That’s when I first realized that the woman was “seeing” me. If I had been breathing, I would have surely made a gasping sound. The shock I received was so big.

However, the old lady, who was urging me to reply with her gaze, simply tilted her head and asked, “Why such a stupid look? What’s wrong?”

Unable to utter a single sound, I was evidently hard-pressed to answer. Despite making a skeptic face, she still continued, “Well, it’s fine, I guess. Then, come here, come here,” and she opened the door so that I could enter the shop.

 

I didn’t know if that woman was aware she possessed magical power. First of all, what did I look like in her eyes? Although I held doubts, it was a fact that discovering that some people still had conserved magic powers made me feel relieved.

“It might be a boring place for those who aren’t interested in dolls.”

Meanwhile, the old woman, who seemed to be the owner of the shop, spoke like nothing was out of the ordinary, showing no confusion at all. From her attitude, I thought that maybe I looked like a normal person in her eyes, and not some indistinct ghost.

It was on my mind, but I had no way to confirm it. Even though I didn’t feel any sensation, when my lips moved to try and say something, they bit the air.

 

I had no reason to mind the old lady, I could have taken my leave there and now.

Yet, for some reason, I didn’t feel like that and after being asked, I entered the shop. I might have done that because it had been a while since I last met someone who had magic power. I might have desired to interact with other people more than I had thought. Besides, my interest in what she was selling suddenly welled up.

 

In the dimly lit interior, it was hard to say there was a sense of cleanliness, just like outside. Here and there, the wooden floor had holes in it. A small child might have no problem walking here, but if an adult man wasn’t careful when treading here, the floor would definitively give in. But this shopkeeper should be alright.

I didn’t have any weight, so this problem was unrelated to me, but now that I think about it, it has been a long time since I last had this kind of thought.

Little by little, it felt like the haze in my head was clearing up and I was getting clear-headed.

 

“I don’t have anything very new.”

 

The old lady, who had walked ahead in the narrow store, looked back.

It appeared that this store specialized in dealing with porcelain dolls, as models of various sizes were casually placed on shelves and chairs. Still, it seemed the more expensive dolls were handled carefully and stored in individual cases. These cases were made of glass and were giving off a dull glitter thanks to the light that was gathering from who knew where.

Inside, there were even life-sized dolls, and if you didn’t observe them carefully, you would think that real people were being displayed there. That’s how elaborate they were.

In each one, the color of the hair or eyes was different. Each of them also had a slightly different expression.... that’s how it felt.

After gazing at them for a while I started wondering if they wouldn’t start talking, I was almost fascinated by those inorganic items devoid of life when...

 

...... That entered my sight.

 

The pale light of the unique lamp at the center of the room made a red glow shine on its white skin. It looked like its cheeks were flushed.

For a second, even I, a ghost, found myself startled by its lively face. When I got close, I realized it was a doll. Its black eyelashes were gathered above its eyelids, under them black iris could be seen. It had a straight nose and lips of an unhealthy pale color.

Even though there was no wind, its bangs were gently swaying. On the other side of the glass case, “he” seemed to be faintly smiling, as if he was breathing.

 

Staring at its face, as soon as I felt an impression of déjà-vu, the world shook and was distorted. ...... That doll gave me such a strong shock.

 

Ah, I know it. I certainly know that face.

Of course. It once was something that used to appear naturally as it was reflected in the mirror... my own face.

 

“Oh, this one? It’s a very beautiful doll, isn’t it? In truth, it should be a mechanical doll but you see, it seems it was broken a long time ago. I wish we could get it fixed, but there is no one who can dismantle such a delicate doll. So, I left it as it is but...”

 

The old lady seemed to have been following my gaze and she explained all that in a quiet voice.

Naturally, I couldn’t answer. However, her hoarse voice brought back my wandering thoughts to the present.

In the glass, the wrinkled face of the old woman standing behind me was reflected. But my face wasn’t. Instead, the black-haired doll seemed to be looking back at me from the other side of the glass covered in dust.

 

It looked a few years older than the face I remembered.

 

“The maker is also unknown. It must have been a very conscientious artist. It’s easy to see how earnest they were when they made it.”

 

Maybe she didn’t find my silence suspicious, but the store owner heaved a sigh of admiration and continued,

 

“Usually, such dolls have a name. But you see, this once doesn’t. There is only this embroidery there, can you see it?”

 

When I looked in the direction she pointed, I noticed the characters embroidered with golden thread on the black clothes the doll was wearing. In fact, the embroidery was on the inside of the clothes, but just by rolling up the hem a little, it could be hidden.

“Well, since it’s from another era, the thread looks like it was cut there and here. I can barely read several of the characters. Moreover, these letters are notations used long ago, so it’s only an old woman like me who could read them.”

Then, she added that it couldn’t be helped, so she named the doll by joining the remaining letters that could be seen.

 

“Ka... rya, is, you see? That’s how they seemed to be read? No, I guess a youngster like you wouldn’t know anyway.”

 

Hi hi hi, the old woman laughed with a strange noise.

When I heard it, once again I felt a strong shock running through my head.

If I could make a sound, I’m sure I would be crying.

 

What that doll was wearing were my work clothes. In other words, it was the robe I wore at the time I was working as a magician.

I remembered the embroidery that was firmly sewn into it in the past said “Kaliarya Ignis.”

So, I was sure it was mine.

 

Then, that meant that... the maker of that doll... was Emma.

 

It was unlikely for anyone else to have purposely made a doll wear my robes.

In the first place, only Emma knew where my robe had been stored. She hadn’t brought anything with her when she left our estate. ...... She shouldn’t have.

The suitcases she brought with her on her departure day were frighteningly few. I remembered how light it had been, as if she was leaving for a two or three-days trip.

In fact, I’m sure she had done that, only taking a few days’ worth of clothing.

 

Was my robe put inside it too? And did she make the doll that looked like me wear it?

 

“Now that I see it, it looks like you. That’s right. It’s probably some kind of fate. Will you take it with you?”

 

Being suddenly asked such a question, I reflexively turned around to look at the shopkeeper.

 

“Ah. If it’s about the cost, no need to worry. ...... This sort of thing is not frequent, but it happens sometimes.”

 

“The doll chooses the master.”

 

She softly smiled, like a young girl. Her expression looked very gentle and kind. She seemed to take my silence for an approbation.

“But you’ll need some kind of tray to carry such a big doll. Wait a bit please,” she added before disappearing into the back of the store.

When I saw off her curved, small back with my gaze, I felt like the doll had truly called me. Once again, I looked towards the puppet, which greatly resembled me.

 

Although it should have been modeled after me, it looked a bit older than I had been back in those days when I was living together with Emma.

This made me think she must have tried to imagine me in adult form, as I never managed to grow older. Since I couldn’t age after having mysteriously been granted eternal time.

I guessed that she, too, could only see me as someone around twenty years of age. Rather than a young man, I had the face of a boy who had yet to slip out of his teenage years, and my eyes, in which there remained a sense of innocence, looked very young.

I had a strange conviction that the me who was reflected in her eyes was making such an expression. When I extended my hand, the “me” across the glass seemed to blink once.

 

The second I thought that, an overly strong force pulled me in.

 

Since the doll was drawing me towards itself, I instinctively braced myself for the impact against the glass. It was a conditioned reflex.

However, since I didn’t actually have a physical body, the impact didn’t occur. I smoothly slipped through the case harboring the doll, and the face of the other me drew near my very own eyes.

Then, in the next instant, I blinked.

 

Yes, I blinked. 

 

When I held out the palm of my hand, I slammed into something. I realized it was the wall of glass that had been in front of me until now. The only difference was that I wasn’t on the outside of the case, but on the inside. In a word, I seemed to have been sucked up inside the doll.

The owner thought the doll was broken, so she guessed it must have been a mechanical puppet, but the truth was different. Maybe because people holding magic power had almost disappeared, but the possibilities of getting information regarding these kinds of puppets had also lessened.

 

The power moving the dolls made by Emma had been her “magic power.” It seemed that it had already completely disappeared.

However, for me who was like a lump of magical power, I could become the force animating that doll.

 

My hand that was touching the glass should definitively have been the hand of the doll, yet it didn’t look a tiny bit different from a human hand. It wasn’t like the joints had become spheres either. The fingers were truly humans’ fingers.

When I curled them, the joints made a little sound and I gasped after feeling this familiar sensation. At that moment, I realized that my breathing sound was echoing inside the glass case, ringing through my throat.

When I put my hand on my chest, I felt a beat. It wasn’t the pulsation of a blood vessel. It was the mechanism that was making the doll’s body move.

The secret art of doll making was only handed down from doll makers to doll makers, so it was absolutely never revealed to outsiders. As such, I also didn’t know how this doll was made.

 

However, I at least knew that this doll was... ... exceeding human knowledge.

I cannot guess if Emma had assumed such a situation would happen, or if she had simply wanted to make a doll that looked like me.

Nevertheless, I felt that she had unmistakably left this doll behind for my sake. 

 

As expected, she believed that after losing my body, I still remained somewhere in this world. I vividly recalled her appearance as she ran through the whole town, trying to find me after I turned into sand. I wondered if she made that doll later on?

 

“Emma.”

 

My voice that slipped through my lips sounded a little husked. But still, it sounded overly familiar. It’s strange that I remember that voice.

 

“Emma.”

 

Not really knowing what I should say, I simply continued to call out the name of the person who had been my wife in the olden days.

I missed that she wasn’t here now. I vividly felt such loneliness.

Had Emma been here, I would have known exactly what words to tell her.

 

Then, I opened the door of the glass case. Together with my new body, I stepped forth into the world.

 

With the first step, I wasn’t able to grasp the sensation and almost fell down, but somehow, I managed to recover myself, and with the second step, I firmly walked on the ground.

Going forward with the third and fourth steps, I felt relieved that this body, which should only have been a temporary recipient, reliably fulfilled its functions as a physical body.

While paying attention to make sure that my long robe didn’t entangle with my ankles, I walked. Accepting the kindness of the old lady who said she would give me that doll, I silently left the shop.

When she discovers that her customer has gone, she might be surprised and curse me for my rudeness. Still, in the end, I felt she would simply laugh with a simple, “Well, well.”

 

Because, she had said it herself, the doll chooses the master. It couldn’t be helped.

 

*********************

 

If there is raw material, it’s easy to alter it with magic. That’s why I changed the doll’s body into an animal or took on the appearance of a child to play around with.

Most of my magical power was used to move the body, so the remaining could only be used for this. The kind of attack magic that required a huge quantity of magical power had become unusable. But that was a trivial matter.

For a long time, I had been tied to this world as an existence other people couldn’t perceive. In a sense, now that I became able to exist like a normal human being, I was extremely satisfied.

The fact that I had a body that could be moved freely brought me a sense of satisfaction in itself. Because I was granted something I had lost for so long, I was deeply moved.

 

The feeling of the wind blowing against the cheeks was only known to those who had experienced it. Even though the wind couldn’t be seen with the eyes, it certainly could be felt. Everyone probably knew the “sensation of the wind” from the moment they were born.

I realized I had forgotten it. And once again, my heart shook.

 

I was like a baby that was just born in this world.

 

The things I could see with my eyes, hear with my ears, touch with my hands, everything and anything was new. In other words, my world was brand new. ... ... or so I thought.

With the body Emma had gifted me, I could do anything. My chest harbored the thing called “hope.” The sensation of exaltation that boilt up along with it made me find everything laughable. I couldn’t help but smile. I laughed at the fact that even though I had lost everything, after being given only one thing, my life changed so much.

 

My encounter with her happened around that time.

 

I had undoubtedly turned arrogant and was exalted by my own circumstances. Perhaps you could say I became conceited at the idea that I was a different existence from other human beings.

I felt an unbelievable joy when, from the other side of an iron grid window, she looked at me, who had copied the appearance of a bird. I convinced myself that she wanted my help.

That’s why I stood above her and looked down at her, and tried to extend my hand towards her.

 

I did that while giving out the feeling, “You may ask for my help.”

 

Even now, I still don’t know what she wanted and what she was trying to accomplish.

Was she glad I lent her my hand? Still, the me at that time truly intended to help her. That’s why I told her,

 

“...Shall I lend you my cooperation?”

 

Sometimes, I got bored with my overly long life. Maybe I wanted to give some sort of meaning to this life without a goal, to this life I was simply living through. I guess it was a way to kill time.

 

But there were no lies in my words.

 

“… Say, princess. Shall I help you?”

 

I vowed to her.

 

I vowed, and yet...

 

Chapter 47                                                     Chapter 49

Nocta’s quick, important note about names:

For Kaliarya Ignis, the Japanese characters are カリアライア    イグニス

On the doll, the readable characters are: カ……、ラ、ス  so, the 1st, middle and last characters. And カラス in Japanese means Crow. Now you know why Kaliarya calls himself Crow.

Here in this chapter I translated カ……、ラ、ス  into “Ka rya is" because it was hard to make the link with “Cr o w” apparent.

Chapter 47

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 7

 

“... Disappear! Disappear! Disappear disappear disappear! Be gone! Be gone!”

 

When I saw her screaming while crying, I finally realized. That I was terribly mistaken.

I believed that no matter how much she rejected me at first, eventually she would accept my existence. And I had hoped that one day, we’d be able to reach a mutual understanding even without using words.

I was convinced that there were such bonds between us, who had been together since childhood.

 

But in the end, it was only my conceited assumption. Emma always continued to deny my existence.

 

The fact that I remained by her side despite this was probably due to pure obstinacy.

It’ll be alright, surely, it’ll be fine. She will eventually accept me.

I encouraged myself with these self-persuading words. I stayed in her field of vision as much as possible, and from time to time, I tried to reach out to her.

I knew I couldn’t touch her, but I still did it. I thought that maybe she would do the same and extend her hand toward me. Then one day, when I reached out to her for the nth time, she, who had continued to ignore me until now, suddenly started to scream.

 

She faced me and yelled, “Disappear!” She repeated it until her voice withered, many times over and over.

The woman, who continued to scream with a rather atrocious expression, definitively hated me. To the point that I thought her ferocious glare would smash me into pieces.

           

Then, since that one time, she never looked at me again. Not even once.

But even if she pretended not to see me, I couldn’t help but continue to watch over her.

Even though I had lost my body long ago, once again, I seemed to fade away starting from my fingertips. Actually, it was as if I didn’t exist.

Maybe I just saw a dream, I thought as my lips perked up. ... somehow, I started to smile helplessly.

           

And so, when at last, she sold the estate she had lived in together with me, I didn’t even feel disappointed. In the first place, I already knew she had made arrangements to sell it off, so I wasn’t even surprised.

I just felt once again that, she was truly letting go of our memories together.

 

She sold the house and got on a carriage without bringing with her even one thing from our home, never turning back even once. She firmly stared ahead of her, not even casting a regretful gaze back.

From her appearance, I could perceive her strong will to start a new life. She looked too calm, even somewhat indifferent.

Seeing that woman I didn’t know made me think of the many years and months that had gone by before I realized it. All this time, she must have been living a “proper”' life without me.

 

So, when Emma later started living with a man I didn't know, all I could do was accept it.

To begin with, I didn’t even know where they had met.

 

Unbeknownst to me, my wife spent her time with people I didn’t know.

 

A long time ago, she had looked at me with sparkling eyes when I said I wanted to live quietly together without servants and build the foundation of our family life.

This ephemeral dream had disappeared without ever becoming a reality... or it was supposed to. She had made it come true with another man.

 

And from here on, surely, Emma will survive this life without me.

 

Between her and “him,” there certainly were some bonds, it felt like no one could get between them.

Even if she pretended not to see me, my existence seemed to fan her anxiousness, and from time to time, Emma made an uneasy expression like that of a child. When she became like this, he would gently hug her. The two of them seemed to be deepening their bonds every minute, every second.

Seeing him spread his arms as if to say he treasured Emma, I realized there was nothing I could do.

 

I could clearly visualize the future where one day, they’d become husband and wife, have children, raise them, and build their family.

That’s why, I realized I was reduced to an unneeded existence.

 

Then, I steeled my resolve to distance myself from Emma.

 

...... Like she had wished, I disappeared from her sight.

 

In my mind, I could picture her relieved face as I ceased to appear. Her gray eyes must have shaken with relief, then she heaved a little sigh. Last, she would say something like, I’m glad it disappeared.

And so, I irrepressibly wanted to cry, but not a single tear could spill out of my eyes. I wanted to shout, but I couldn’t emit a sound.

 

With my light body devoid of substance, I first left the country. 

 

Only once, I tried to visit the doctor who had cast the spell on me, but his clinic had already become completely vacant. I heard some rumors saying that apparently, he had been afflicted with a serious illness for several years. Maybe he had even already passed away.

He, who exhausted all his efforts to cast this spell for me...

 

... I couldn’t even say a few words of farewell to him.

 

********************

 

Then, I went here and there, spending an absurdly long time all on my own.

Because my body didn’t have any substance, I didn’t need to prepare a dwelling somewhere, nor did I need living expenses. Since I didn’t need to eat either, I truly only wandered around.

I visited several countries, loitered around many towns, passed by many people. Among them, there were some who showed a reaction after seeing me. But they all made the same face as someone who had seen a ghost. Some people straightforwardly called me a ghost, so in short, it seemed that I didn’t appear visibly in anyone’s eyes.

Had the doctor’s spell failed? Or was it supposed to be that kind of magic in the first place? There was no way to find answers to these questions, and before I noticed, I stopped caring.

That’s how little my existence registered in people’s eyes.

 

As the years passed, the number of people who could “see” me decreased.

 

Putting it simply, it showed that the number of people who had magic power diminished. People like me or my father, who have a huge amount of magical power, became scarce.

Before I noticed, the occupation “magician” became obsolete. But that being said, it wasn’t like it completely ceased to exist. It continued to exist as a profession, but became something extremely restricted and reserved for a few special individuals.

 

Eventually, will people completely become unable to see me?

When was it again that, while my mind was being dominated by this thought similar to a feeling of resignation, at the same time I became driven by a sense of nostalgia.

The memories of my childhood replayed in my mind. It was the days I spent with Emma. I could no longer remember father’s face, even the color of the curtains in the mansion where I was born and raised was very vague.

Yet, I still remembered the dignified appearance of the flowers she decorated the mansion with, even though I didn’t know their names.

 

I wanted to see her. I couldn’t help it.

I might be rejected again or maybe she will not see me anymore.

Still, I irrepressibly wanted to see her face. I wanted to call out to her.

 

One word. One word would be enough, but there was something I wanted to tell her.

I couldn’t speak, so naturally it won’t be transmitted to her.

Nevertheless, there was something I wanted to say.

 

 

“...Ah, you came...”

 

I rode upon the wind and flew off. Then, the place I finally arrived at, was the house where she was supposed to be living with “him.” It was still the case, she was still living here.

Seeing this, my heart welled up with all kinds of emotions I couldn’t describe. The house looked much older than at that time, and even though I didn’t have any sense of smell, I smelled the odor of “a family.” In other words, it was proof they had lived there.

When I walked around the house to observe it, I noticed that one of the several rooms seemed to belong to a child, but it had already fulfilled its role. I could see traces of toys that had been abandoned in one corner or a collection of fairytales on the bookshelves, which seemed to have been used for a long time. Rather than loneliness, the quiet room evoked a feeling of serenity. The whole house felt like a place where an elderly couple was comfortably living.

 

She was in the bedroom.

 

She was napping leisurely on the wide bed. Maybe “he” went out to buy some groceries, but anyway, she was alone.

When I stood by the bedside and looked down at her, she opened her eyes. On her wrinkled face, a small light was shining in her shrunken eyes. It was my beloved ash-colored eyes.

Something looking like medicine was placed on the table by the bedside. She seemed to be suffering from some kind of illness. ......I wonder if it’s a serious illness?

When I was assailed by uneasiness and fell into a daze, she gently smiled.

 

“Rya. Where have you been?”

 

For a second, hearing her ask me this so naturally, I was confused.

I knew that trying to talk to her was meaningless, yet her name crossed my lips.

 

“Emma.”

 

When I did that, she smiled with a joy that came from the bottom of her heart. Then, she told me, “Welcome back.”

 

“There is something I wanted to tell you, no matter what. So, I prayed to God. That you’d be brought to me. I thought you might not make it in time. But my wish was granted,” she said as she extended her hand towards me.

 

Even though I couldn’t grasp her hand, I took a step forward and shortened the distance between us. Our hands, which were unable to touch, loitered in the air.

Yet, she didn’t care. Acting as if our hands were actually touching, she gently curled up her fingers around mine.

 

“Hey, do you remember? The day we got married... Because having a wedding ceremony didn’t suit us, we held a little party in the garden of the estate.”

 

Looking at her slender eyes, which I dearly missed, I simply nodded. Seeing this, she heaved a seemingly satisfied sigh and continued.

That day, the weather was certainly great. I remember how blue the sky was, as if someone had hung a light blue curtain of silk above us. At that moment, for the first time I learned how pleasant an early spring sky felt, and I laughed. We hadn’t invited many guests. There were a few friends we made when we went to the academy and several aristocrats we socialized with in high society. Since they weren’t very high-ranked nobles, we weren’t forced to be overly careful of every little detail. And so, we simply had lunch together and I think we managed to have a really good time.

 

I can say with confidence that, no matter which moment of that day you’d pick, I enjoyed them all.

 

“That’s right. That day, we received a strange gift.”

 

Emma narrowed her eyes and looked into the distance. A friend from our school days gave Emma a little box.

 

“Inside, there was an ebony bird.... Yes, a black bird.”

 

In the country where she grew up, black birds were said to bring misfortune.

Yet, many people chose to offer it as a gift in wedding ceremonies. Because handing over a black bird at someone’s wedding held a different signification.

In the past, people gave a cage with a real bird inside, but black birds had become extinct, so at some point it was replaced by a decoration.

 

“By inviting a little misfortune over, you can ward off a bigger one. You told me that’s the meaning it had. ... Ah ah, even though you were so disinterested in that sort of thing. Where did you even hear that from?”

 

I didn’t hear it from someone, I looked it up myself. A normal wedding ceremony, what was it supposed to be like? Emma had also said she wanted to experience that “normality,” so I rummaged through books.

Now that I think back on it, rather than investigating it, I should have asked someone. It would have been a lot easier this way, but at that time, I felt that doing the research myself had meaning. Doing something for her sake made me happy. It was merely for my self-satisfaction.

 

“The customs in this country have changed, haven’t they?”

 

Once again, Emma slightly smiled. 

 

“Then, nothing unfortunate ever happened. I was even happier than before we got married. There wasn’t a single sorrowful thing... ... That’s why... you see, when I lost you...”

 

She seemed to be suffering as she heaved a sigh. With the hand that wasn’t extended toward me, she pressed down on her chest atop her clothes.

 

“Hey, Rya.”

 

Her head still lying on the pillow, she looked straight at me. When I stared at her face, I saw my reflection inside her eyes. With that strong gaze, she looked in my direction.

 

“In the place I was born, black birds... were said to bring both good and bad luck at the same time.”

 

One day suddenly, a black bird appears at the window. Then it’ll speak in human language, and people say it’ll ask you one question. To the people who answer correctly, it’ll bring happiness. To those who don’t, it’ll bring misfortune. She narrated such a story.

 

“Rya. Do you remember what happened when you picked me up? You asked me something.”

“...”

“You asked, do you want to live together from now on?”

 

To this, I said yes. ... Surely, it was the right answer.

 

Emma whispered this as a lone tear dropped from her eyes.

 

“...Rya. My black bird.”

 

“You brought me such happiness.”

 

Then, she closed her eyes.

 

“I... was happy. ... After losing you, I thought I could no longer live. But because you had brought me such happiness.... the joy you gave me never left me, it always, always stayed by my side.”

“Emma”

“That’s why, that’s why... I’m sorry.”

“Emma”

“I... was happy. Even after losing you, I could live and be happy.”

 

“I became a wife, I became a mother, gained a family. I wasn’t alone. ... This life without you, I lived it happily. I’m sorry, Rya.”

 

“I... was very, very happy.......”

 

Her eyelids opened once more and her moist eyes looked towards me, as if they were peering into my face. She blinked several times, then once again, she quietly closed her eyes.

It looked like silence and stillness were engraved on her face. Her expression couldn’t possibly look gentler and calmer. It seemed to show how happy a life she had led.

 

I was happy, so happy, that I have no regrets left. I’m satisfied with this, even if my life ends now, I have no regrets, was what her little, faint breaths seemed to be telling. Her breathing... stopped.

 

I looked down at her, standing still, unable to react. I could only watch.

Even though it was the person I so, so wanted to meet all these years, I started regretting having come here.

Even though, by chance, I could witness the last moment of my beloved person.

Even though I could spend time together with her.

All this, almost looked like a nightmare to me.

 

“...... I was lonely.”

 

She could no longer hear me, but I still suppressed my voice by putting both hands on my mouth.

I felt like I was about to confess a sin. The thing I desperately wanted to tell her was... Even if I lived alone, there was no meaning. Even now, I still dearly treasure Emma.

Yet, I couldn’t convey a single thing I wanted to tell her.

 

“I was... terribly... lonely.”

 

I never imagined a life without Emma. I thought that being by her side was the most natural thing, that living together was a matter of course.

I often remember the time I was thinking like this.

 

Then, when I thought of the happy life I couldn’t get, I came to detest everything and anything, wondering why it became like this.

Although I couldn’t do anything, I wanted to do something. But I didn’t have any way to.

 

“A life without you was pointless. Without you, I... wasn’t happy.”

 

She must have felt guilty for living happily even without me. She surely wanted to ask for my forgiveness.

Yet, I couldn’t give her any words of comfort. I was disappointed with that part of myself who somehow wished she had been the same as me.

I wanted her to say she was lonely without me. That she couldn’t become happy if I wasn’t here.

 

I have never wished for her unhappiness. Still, I couldn’t tell her I was glad she was happy. ... ...

No matter what, I couldn’t.

 

“Emma.”

“Don’t go.”

“Don’t go.”

 

Don’t leave me and go.

 

Chapter 46                                                                   Chapter 48

Chapter 46

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 6

 

Emma cried restlessly, to the point that it seemed she would be engulfed by her grief and stop breathing.

In fact, seeing her cry while gasping for breath made me think dying might have been easier for her. If at that moment, I had had hands that could have hugged her... I would have strongly, strongly embraced her until I’d choked the life out of her.

I knew I was thinking of stupid things. But if that could save her, a part of me thought it wouldn’t be so bad.

 

…… I see. Is this what “death” is?

 

My sensations were too vague. Maybe I arrived at this thought that I would never have had if I had been in my normal state, because I was actually experiencing for myself what it felt like to be a deceased person, what death felt like.

It wasn’t an ambiguous feeling like what I had felt until now, where I didn’t know whether I was alive or dead. I firmly… this way of saying it might be a bit strange. Yes. I should say, I properly understood I was dead.

If souls existed in this world, then, wasn’t the me right now something close to it?

If that was the case, then maybe a person with the so-called ability to sense the supernatural might be able to see me.

When I unexpectedly reached this idea, I tried to call out to her, who had now fallen into a trance.

 

But at that moment, I realized I had no “means” to prove my own existence.

 

She had cried and screamed to the point that her voice was now hoarse.

Although her appearance was clearly visible to me, I couldn’t stroke her back, I couldn’t tell her it was alright. Even though I wanted to let her know I was still here, by her side.

The arms that should have supported her, the legs that should have rushed to her, the voice that should have encouraged her, I had nothing.

 

“Rya…! Aah… Yes, well, of course you’re not here…!”

 

For a second, I had an uncomfortable feeling as if the flow of air itself had stopped.

She suddenly started to speak, then she laughed. It was an awfully crooked smile, a smile that induced dread. Then, still holding my clothes in her arms, she rushed out of the room.

Confronted with this unexpected situation, not a single servant who had been surrounding Emma managed to react in time. When eventually, they came back to their senses and chased after her in a hurry, it was already too late.

Emma had exited the manor’s gates and was following the road leading to the market, rushing somewhere while calling my name in delirium. During that time, she passed by a familiar merchant on the roadside. Seeing her conduct, which was nothing like her usual gracefulness, he stood gaping.

So, it didn’t take long before Emma caught up with a passing person and called out to them.  

 

“Have you seen a man… with black hair and black eyes who looks very young? It’s a man who’s called Rya… Kaliarya Ignis…”

 

She had been crying until just a while ago, so her breathing wasn’t steady yet.

She desperately squeezed out her hoarse voice, and while it was still jolting up sometimes, she questioned people. While they were startled to be called out, these people only shook their heads.

Yet, Emma didn’t give up. Her face was pale, her legs wobbling, her hair disheveled. But she continued to ask people.

The market she eventually arrived at was a place I frequently stopped by on my way back from work. Here, I chose fruit for Emma.

 

 “Madame! Madame! Please, wait…!”

 

A servant, who had finally caught up to her, called in a shriek, trying to stop her.

Well, he was right to. Because a woman, who was wearing attire that clearly let others know she was a noble, was calling out to anyone and everyone, almost clinging to them in despair.

But she didn’t stop. Not giving the slightest care about her outward appearance, she gave up on her reputation and abandoned everything.

 

She kept calling my name, calling out to me. 

 

It can’t be, I thought, while continuing to look at her.

We were supposed to have prepared ourselves for this moment. For when I’d lose my life.

But now that I thought it over, what I needed to do wasn’t to prepare for the moment I would die. It was to “prepare her” for that moment.

Even though I should have made her ready to accept the future where her husband would die, I only thought of myself, I made light of her feelings for me. 

 

“He should be somewhere! Someone, someone…! Haven’t you seen him…!!” 

 

If things continued like this, she would lose her mind.

I must do something. Because I was the only one who could save her.  

 

Someone! Anyone! Please, hear my voice, help her……

When I was strongly, silently praying like this… my consciousness was dragged by something.

As I was standing beside Emma, looking at the scenery surrounding us, the scene in front of my eyes started to spin around. It was a tempestuous sensation, like being swallowed by a sudden gust. I couldn’t resist at all. I was being dragged somewhere.

While such sensations were overwhelming me and I kept doing nothing but calling Emma’s name…

 

“…Poor thing. You’re in such a state…”

 

Suddenly, I heard such a voice.

When I “looked around,” I realized I was “standing” inside a familiar room.

By reflex, I tried to speak, but as expected, I couldn’t emit any sound. The impression that I was standing there – was it only a trick of my imagination?

I wondered about my current state and whether or not it wasn’t just my consciousness that was floating in the air?

 

“You lost your body and only your magical power is left. Was your consciousness imbued in it…? No, I wonder what it is? It’s my first time seeing such a strange phenomenon.”

 

The doctor was talking calmly, his words similar to raindrops falling rhythmically one by one.

Ah, I see. This place is the clinic I visited before, I understood.

 

“But it seems our wavelengths are matching. I can somewhat guess your will and what you’re trying to say. … … That being the case, yes, right, hum…”

 

The doctor was looking at the air, his soft face looking a bit sharp.

Ordinarily, magic power couldn’t be seen. It was something that could only be “felt.”

That’s why, since I had been reduced to a lump of magic power, it was quite unbelievable to say that our gaze met, yet it still felt like we were staring at each other.

 

“You cannot hold any object either… but maybe, letting others see an illusion is possible…”

 

He was sitting on a chair, writing down something, but his hand soon stopped moving and he abruptly stood up. Then he went to pick up several books from his collection on the bookshelves and said, “I’m not a specialist in this field of sorcery so... it might not work out, but…”

As before, his line of sight was loitering across the room, but he was certainly looking “towards me.”

 

“It’ll take time, you know. Since I’ll also have to consult experts on this.”

I agreed with that man who was smiling daringly.  Even though I wasn’t clear on what he meant by this. I guess this was what you’d call my last hope. There was no one else I could rely on, and I felt that if it’s him, he would manage to do something.

That might be precisely why my consciousness had unconsciously flown here.

 

“Surely, the fact that you appeared in front of me is the answer. If something like fate exists, then we must have been led to each other.”

 

The doctor muttered so, like he was talking to himself, and after sitting down on his chair again he opened a massive book.

You can stay here if you want, but it’ll take time, he once again said the same thing as earlier. Well, I guess time no longer matters to you anymore.

At that moment, I found a faint hope in his words. I believed that “hope” was, as the word said, something that would illuminate my future life brightly.  

 

With this, she’ll also be able to sense my existence. I could live with her once more. I’ll be able to save her, or maybe myself.

Such frivolous thoughts crossed my mind.

 

******************

 

I didn’t know how long it took to complete the magic spell.

As the doctor had asserted beforehand, maybe it took a long time. Or maybe it was shorter than I imagined.

The thing that was certain was that a certain amount of time went by. The doctor retained his youthful appearance as usual, but his features still showed that several years had passed.

 

Then, thanks to magic, I became an existence “that could be seen by others.”

 

“In the end, it’s just a spell. So, you won’t be able to touch people and vice versa. You’re simply giving a “shape” to your magic power. Thus, the people who have a weak magic sense will only see “a figure.” In the first place, your presence won’t be reflected in people’s eyes.”

 

As the doctor said, I could somewhat transmit my will, but I didn’t become able to speak.

That was because I didn’t have any vocal cords to emit sounds with. On the other hand, I could hear other people’s voices not because my ears were functioning but simply because I felt the “wavelength” emitted by my conversation partner. At least that was my opinion on this topic.

But there were still some punctual things I didn’t understand. What caused an inconsistency was that I was a lump of magical power, but I also had a soul. Everything related to the soul and spirit came within the domain of God, so it couldn’t be explained.

But even like this, I thought it was enough. Anything was fine. It was better than this previous state where no one could perceive me.

Even if I couldn’t regain a body, I could “be seen” by Emma. There was nothing else I wished for more than that.

 

When I looked down, I saw my hands. I could close my fingers and it was possible to wave my hand.

Even if I understood it was an illusion, it completely felt like I had come back to life.

 

“I’ve tried to consider for what purpose you wanted to create this magic. … Well, even without thinking about it, I could guess it was for your wife. Thus, this spell became a magic spell specifically made for her sake. In other words, she’ll be able to see you without problems.”

 

Did he look into my past? The doctor seemed to know my personal life very well. But maybe it was necessary in order to create this spell.

He made a little pause, then asked, “Have you made your resolve?”

I tilted my head, wondering what on earth I needed resolve for, but he gave me a detailed explanation, “… For you, time may be infinite, but for us, time is something too short.”

I tried to read the true meaning between his words and strained the “eyes” I wasn’t supposed to have. But I couldn’t perceive anything.

And so, I didn’t notice how at that time, he cleanly drew a line between me and “them.”

 

I was only thinking about Emma.

 

I wonder what she is doing now. Is she looking for me again? Isn’t it lonely, living in that large mansion? When I meet her again, I won’t be able to talk, but I can listen. Perhaps it’ll be enough. What matters is that we’ll see each other’s faces. Surely, it must be.

 

In that way, I desperately tried to convince myself. Then, when I went to meet her…

 

“…Why?” I was asked in a squealing voice.

 

The woman, who was standing in the familiar entrance hall, was wearing a much simpler and washed-up robe than the ones she had in the past. Maybe because of these clothes, her complexion seemed very pale.

Because everything was dead silent, when I looked around, wondering if there wasn’t any servant, I saw that the sheets were hung on the paintings and empty flower vases.

When I looked closely, I saw that the chandeliers hanging from the ceiling were covered in dust. I tilted my head, thinking the atmosphere was strange, but at that moment...

“What is happening…?” Emma whispered in an absentminded voice. I came back, was what I tried to convey, but naturally, my voice didn’t come out.

I hadn’t considered what kind of gestures I should make in order to be understood by her. Even if I regretted not having made more preparations before coming to meet her, it was too late.

Looking obviously confused, thrown in confusion and shaking from head to toe, she stretched her hand towards me. But her fingers quickly slipped through my body.

At that moment, her eyes opened wide and her expression became shocked and frightened. Then her lips trembled with fear and she screamed.

 

More than an ear-piercing sound, it sounded like a grim and pathetic cry.

Yes, for example... it felt like you’d lost someone right now, in front of your eyes. It might have been like the voice you’d raise if you were suffering too much.

I think her voice echoed across the whole mansion. It was then that I noticed something was out of place.

 

The mistress of the house had screamed, yet no one had come to check what happened.

Not even the senior employees, like the person working as the steward, appeared. Maybe there really was no one?

No, that’s just not possible. It was the estate itself that brought forth the atmosphere of a ruin. This mansion was the place where we, Emma and I, had built the foundation of our lives together. Yet the flowers that had been arranged there and here were nowhere to be seen.

 

“…Emma! What the hell happened to you…!”

 

For a second, I thought my voice had resounded. But that couldn’t be the case.

I didn’t know where he came from, but a man appeared and forced his way between us. From his movements, I realized he couldn’t perceive me… he couldn’t see my appearance.

In a shaking voice, Emma answered, “There, he…” The man turned back and looked in the direction she was pointing, but he bent his head with a puzzled expression. “…What? Is there something there?”

 

“You can’t see him? For you, he is invisible…?” 

While Emma repeated the same thing in an incoherent mutter, the man gently embraced her dainty body. The back of the tall man completely hid her. His low voice whispering, “It’s alright,” sounded so far away to me.

I couldn’t see it well from where I stood, but his hands were surely stroking her back. Seeing this affectionate gesture, pain arose in my chest. My heart, which hat should not be there, was screaming.

 

“I must have gone mad. You see, you see… it feels like he is standing there.”

 

I didn’t understand what was happening there. As she kept whispering, “He is… he is,” the man answered, “…No. There is no one there. You’re simply seeing a hallucination.”

 

After all, isn’t he dead?

 

Yes, right. You’re right, while she nodded back several times, her slender fingers grasped his back.

As expected, I could only watch. Watch Emma’s fingers as they embrace him. Those fingers, which had been scraped on the floor when they gathered the sand that I turned into, were completely healed. As if it was a lie that such a thing ever happened.

 

“I, might have gone mad,” her muttering voice echoed.

It seemed to make my non-existing eardrum shake, and pierce into my brain.

 

“Let’s quickly sell the estate and start our new lives. This way, I’m sure you’ll get back to how you used to be. Everything is going to be alright.”

 

A gentle, very gentle voice told her so. Even though these words didn’t hold any might or hostility in them... they deeply gouged out my heart.

As if to get me out of her sight, Emma buried her head in his chest.

 

“Isn’t it fine already? You’ve suffered more than enough, and I think it would pain him to see you like this too... So, you must move on. I’ll also do as much as I can to support you, I’ll always be by your side...”

 

I was petrified. Unable to move even one step from where I stood, I heard this man’s voice as he begged her in a whisper, So please, somehow, forget about him.

Then, when I heard his following words, “Your husband passed away many years ago,” I finally realized the reality.

 

For her, since already a long time ago... ... I was dead.

 

“Yeah, you’re right. He is dead. Rya, is dead. My husband... is dead.”

 

The words Emma repeated, as if to persuade herself, felt like they took everything away from me. 

          

Chapter 45                                                             Chapter 47

Nocta’s explanation:

About this part at the beginning:

It wasn’t an ambiguous feeling like what I had felt until now, where I didn’t know whether I was alive or dead. I firmly… this way of saying it might be a bit strange. Yes. I should say, I properly understood I was dead.

I’m sorry if it got you confused. Rya is saying that since he is dead and no longer has a physical body, he cannot sense something physically, firmly, strongly. So, he corrects himself and uses a synonym.