Saturday, October 7, 2023

Chapter 62

9 – Marianne’s Truth – 1


When I was young, I often had the same dream.

Once I felt asleep, my life flashed before my eyes. I thought it was a strange dream, but later, I stopped having it. So, I forgot what kind of dream it was.


I just remembered it recently.


“... ... Honestly, I was a little surprised that you would help someone.”


The carriage moving along the unpaved road swayed so much that the people inside were almost thrown in the air. It had been assumed in advance that the carriage would shake a lot, so the servants had prepared several large cushions. They were tucked between the chair and the body so that there was no gap between them.

It was originally a carriage for nobles to ride, so the comfort was not bad. However, since it was a long journey, the strain on the body was unavoidable.

My lower back hurt, so I stretched my back. There was a little space left up to the ceiling, but the left and right sides were narrow due to the cushions.

The seats facing each other were naturally cramped for two adults, and even more so if the other person was a man.

Our knees were touching each other.


“...Even I help others once in a while. Haven’t I helped you too? I will not let you say that you don't remember."

When I answered with a smile, the man shrugged his shoulders and bowed slightly, saying, “Well, I’m thankful for that. But it was really strange...we didn't have any contact to begin with. And yet, you came to me, right? You said you could help me.”


“...I doubt that you knew I was in trouble, so why did you offer that in the first place?”


When I opened my mouth to speak, the man raised his right hand and interrupted me. I swallowed back the breath I was trying to exhale.


"Yes, I've been thinking about it for a long time. Why would you help me? ... .... You, the first-born child of the earl's family, from an illustrious house. And first of all, why help someone like me?"


Even if I was left alone, there shouldn't be any repercussions. No, rather...


"Lending me a hand carries no merit for you. If you get involved in something like this, you might even be held responsible. In that case, even your family may be eliminated. After all, it’s a serious situation involving state matters. And yet, you decided to help me. That’s why I've always wondered why."


It was all for her sake, right?


Saying that, he opened the curtain fixed on the small window. Suddenly, the setting sun came in. That man's profile turned orange as he narrowed his eyes. His red hair became redder and looked like it was on fire.


"You moved for the sake of your one and only best friend in this world. Am I right?"


Although it’s hard to say if that was beneficial to her in the end, added the man with a wicked smile as he turned his attention back to me.

That's right. As he said, she ended up losing everything.

Even if I was not directly involved in depriving her of everything, I do bear some of the responsibility.

In short, by saving this man, Soleil was able to overcome his predicament, and Sylvia was spared from any harm.

However, that didn’t mean everything had fallen back into place.

In fact, she became a fugitive.


She can never come back to this country ever again.


“Do you regret it?”

After a short silence, I shook my head at the question.

“... ... No.”

Absolutely not.

“She is alive. ... ... That's all that matters.”

When I answered like this, the man looked at me with an indescribable gaze that seemed to peer into the depths of my heart.

“...Even if lady Sylvia and Soleil are tied together and live a happy life?”


“Is that how you wanted them to end?”

“We don't know how it will end yet. No one knows what will happen to them.”

“Well, that's true. But no matter who saw it, Soleil was attracted to Miss Sylvia. That's a fact.”

“Is that so?”


For some reason, the red-haired man with a scornful smile suddenly let out a breath.

“You seem dissatisfied.”

“No? Because I'm on Soleil's side. Even if his choice is something I can't support, I won't disavow him.”

“Is that the right thing to do as a friend?”

“Who knows? Friendship is different for each person. There is no right or wrong answer. That's why I'm praying that he doesn't make a mistake. I’ve always been doing so and I will keep doing that from now on. It’s just that...”

“Just what?”

“It’s sad.”


I don't know much about Lady Ilya, but I thought Soleil and her were a good match. Then, this time, he lowered his gaze and moved his fingers mechanically on his lap.

There were calluses on his fingers. He was a person who had trained hard to protect and fight against people. I guessed all knights were like that.

To people like them, who were prepared to shoulder such burdens, Ilya’s existence must have seemed dazzling.

Dedicating everything one’s own to just one person was something extremely difficult to do for most people. Because humans lived with all sorts of social bonds and constraints.

So did I. And that was why I knew...


“Lord Soleil is someone who is easily misunderstood by others. Even you, his best friend, are misunderstanding him."


“What do you mean?” The man tilted his head slightly. His physique was that of an adult, but if you looked at his face, you could still see traces of his youth. Although I was not with him today, the other knight who usually served as my escort was actually an adult, so his physique was a bit larger than him. There was no point in comparing them, but it's almost a miracle that this man and Soleil, who were still attending the academy, were able to survive that difficult situation.


"...Anyway, I have done what I had to do. I'm sure lord Soleil will do the same."


Ilya had entrusted Sylvia to Soleil. I was sure that as long as he lived, he would fulfill his promise. I was certain he would not do anything that would violate the wish of his dead fiancée.

“... ... In your eyes, what kind of person is Soleil?”

Now it was my turn to tilt my head in wonder. Because to me, that man had been nothing more than "Ilya's fiancé." Nothing more, nothing less. Now that this role had been lost, Soleil was for me...


“A pitiful person.”


Because he lost his loved one.

It was something that should never be lost.




I didn’t know when it started, but I and her... ...I and Ilya, have always been treated as if we were rivals.

Even though there were probably other girls in our generation, because of our families’ peerage, we ended up in a position where we were inevitably compared.

However, generally, this is what was said,

“Lady Marianne is better.”

Such arbitrages were already made at an age when I didn't really understand what it meant to be better or worse than someone else at something.

Although I now understand that my family standing as the first earl’s house was the reason, when I was young, I just thought it was strange.

I wondered why everyone gave me such praise.


Because Ilya carried herself very well. Her mannerisms and gestures were elegant. She smiled like a true noble, and never raised her voice immoderately. She was good at the piano, danced gracefully, and studied hard. She wasn’t the slightest bit inferior to me. On the contrary, she was one step ahead of me in everything.

And yet, everyone said,

I think lady Marianne is wonderful.

Because too many people said so, I came to think that maybe, I was underestimating myself.

I don’t mean to boast or be condescending, but I think the real me could do better than her.


However, the world of aristocrats was not so soft that you could get carried away.


That probably happened when I was seven years old.

At a tea party I was invited to with my mother, this was told to me by the mistress of the house who was the organizer.

“I heard that lady Marianne is good at playing the piano. It’s just happened that there's a nice piano right here, and I would love to let everyone hear it.”

Maybe she really valued my skills, or maybe she held just a little bit of malice.

That person was a longtime acquaintance of my mother, and the guests were all familiar with each other as they were aristocrats of the same generation. But because of that, whose child was the most outstanding, or who held the best future prospect was unknown. The adults must have wanted to try it out and see how good the children were.

It just so happened that I was the one chosen for the performance.

The skill I displayed was not disastrous, but it was not worthy of praise.

I'm sure anyone who had listened to it would have thought so. They should have. Because I didn't like playing the piano.

I practiced as little as possible, just enough to keep my fingers from getting dull, and I didn’t have any motivation to learn music. I barely followed the musical score, nor did I perform with all my heart based on the composer's intentions.


... ... However, I was praised by everyone.


There were even some people who were moved to tears.

I received a wave of applause and praise. The adults surrounding me unanimously praised my performance, saying that even a professional musician would be eclipsed by my talent.

“... ... And above all, she is so beautiful! I'm looking forward to her future!”

As they clapped their hands in an exaggerated manner, they said that many families would wish to have a wise and sensible lady like me marry over.


I wondered if anyone could understand what I felt as I stood there, stupefied as a cold chill ran down my spine.


At that time, there was a girl who had played before me. Her name was Ilya Il Matis.

She was the child chosen for the opening act of the entertainment. Few people listened to her performance. The adults who were chatting merrily with each other continued to talk, and the children who had come with their parents were engrossed in the food that was brought to them.

Amidst the incessant commotion, she straightened her already upright back, looked straight ahead of her, and introduced herself briefly, “My name is Ilya.” Then, she played a song that lasted about 15 minutes without even looking at the score.

It was an old song that everyone knew and that even adults found difficult to understand.

Even adults who had small fingers and slender builds could easily reach these keys, but some of them could naturally not be reached by children. There was a sweetness and a certain charm in these strengths and weaknesses. She couldn’t play as hard as an adult.

Still, the performance was so good that I wondered how much time she had spent practicing.

I was deeply impressed and couldn't help but get goosebumps.


However, I was probably the only one who listened carefully to her performance from beginning to end.

Similar to the orchestra that had been invited that day, it was simply used as background music.

Was it because she was too good?

No, I don’t think so.


From the start, no one had the intention of listening to her play.


It was because at that time, she was already engaged to the heir of the marquis’ house. To say it frankly, high society didn't look keenly at their engagement. Many nobles thought their daughter could have been the one engaged to him if luck had been on their side, so in short, Ilya was an eyesore to them.

As a member of a third rated earl's family, she was criticized for not knowing her place and climbing up on the social ladder. Behind her back, she was also insulted about her appearance, which was not up to pair and did not match lord Soleil.

Both adults and children looked down on her. Given the chance, there were some people who would gather to disdain and hurt her.

The moment she stood in front of the piano, someone said, “She's not very beautiful.” Although it was said with a low voice, I'm sure many people heard those words. After all, I did.

Maybe Ilya could hear it too.

No one objected, not even Ilya's mother, who was supposed to be there. Therefore, the words were recognized as correct.


But they didn’t insult her because they resented Ilya herself. It was because she was engaged to the heir of the most prestigious marquis’ family, so she had just incurred unnecessary jealousy. What if I had been the one chosen instead of Ilya? I would have been the one who had those heartless words thrown at.


After Soleil's fiancée passed away, Ilya was chosen as his new fiancée because their fathers were close. That's what most people thought, but the situation was more complicated.

Soleil's family, the Nortis family, was highly trusted by the royal family, and in recent years they have often taken on work ordered by the king. The current Marquis was also a member of the Senate and was one of the few people who could make direct recommendations to the King, which means he boasted a great deal of political power.

It was the position of the eldest son's fiancée. They couldn’t just choose any suitable girl randomly. The choice was established after considering the balance of power between the two families. A family of equal status to the marquis’s would have too much power. If so, Soleil could become a threat to the royal family. But a powerless viscount or baron’s families would be too weak, and it was another problem in itself.

And such, Soleil and Ilya's engagement was purely political, as they couldn’t choose another candidate.

It seems that my name was even mentioned at one point, but I heard that the Nortis family firmly refused. In that respect, I think they chose the Matisse family because they were more reliable.


Therefore, I thought that if something had gone differently, I might have been the one chosen to perform this opening act.

So, after I finished my performance and received praise from those around me, I went looking for her. Ilya looked dignified and didn't show any signs of being hurt. However, the event that day must have been more than enough to break her soft, young heart.

I may not be able to console her, but at least I wanted to tell her that her performance was amazing.


Without realizing that thinking like that was arrogant.


“You need to practice more.”


As I walked down the long hallway after leaving the room where the tea party was being held, I heard such a voice coming from the side of the stairs.

I quietly leaned forward so that the other person wouldn’t see me. I saw two shadows next to the stairs. One belonged to the person I was looking for, and the other belonged to a slender woman. From her profile, I realized she was Ilya's mother.

Previously, I had always thought that she seemed a calm person. Yet, she sounded much fussier than I expected.


“Acquire skills that no one will complain about.”


“Develop the power of expression that will earn you praise from everyone.”


“Always look ahead and never look down. Keep smiling and be dignified no matter what anyone says.”



A calm reply that showed no signs of emotional ups and downs. As I was about to lean forward to see if her mother would at last compliment her, someone tapped on my shoulder from behind. When I swallowed the scream of surprise that almost escaped and turned around, I saw my own smiling mother, her index finger on her mouth, "Shh!"

She grabbed my hand and took me away from this place.


"Marianne. Having a sense of justice is a virtue, but it's not good to get involved in other people’s matters."

"...But, mother..."

"Yeah. She... I also think she is really unfortunate."


But I'm sure this will happen many times in the future. She patted my head comfortingly. For some reason, I felt like crying at her gentle touch. Ilya must have wanted to be stroked like this.


“She has to be strong. She probably shouldn't be comforted right now. At least that's what her mother decided. Your opinion and remarks aren’t needed.”


“But next time, if you have a chance to talk to her, please give her a big compliment.”


If you two are alone at that time, then there would be no one to complain, mother laughed and blinked. I agreed with her.

That’s what I should do. If it's just the two of us, no one will disturb us. I can praise her as much as I wanted.


What should I say? No, I don't need to think about it. Because she was truly amazing.

Will she be happy? Will she laugh?

I didn’t want to see a fake smile. If only she would laugh from the bottom of her heart. What would she look like?


Yes, that's what I thought at that time, and yet...

chapter 61

Nocta’s recap (because I also forgot this character):

The red hair man is Edward, Soleil’s best friend. In chapter 40, he fought alongside Soleil against Saion and his men to protect Silvia. Edward pretended to be a traitor working for Saion, because his family was held hostage.


  1. OMG!? 2 NEW CHAPTERS!? the author must be in a good mood! i was expecting the next chapter to arrive next year /srs /lh

    i love that we're seeing marianne's perspective on everything! this means ilya and crow will be leaving the country... i actually do wonder how soleil and silvia's relationship will turn out this time but we might not be able to find that out 😭 i forgot all about edward too so thanks for the recap 😭 I wonder what marianne means by soleil being misunderstood...

    1. also, thank you for translating the new chapters!! so sorry i forgot to include this in my original comment 😭

  2. omg thank you for the recap!! i was wondering who the red head was

  3. I think the reason Hanabusa got motivated and wrote two chapters back to back because she wants to write angst again, this time in Marianne's perspectives lol TBH I have no idea where this novel is going anymore... We still have sooooo many questions -- I am still soooo curious what is gonna happen to Ilya's memories about Emma and all.... Can't believe now we are digging into another arc now!

    1. Yeah, this chapter with Emma's memories didn't lead to anywhere or anyhing new... it just confirmed that Ilya was her reincarnation

    2. A different anon: Uh oh, I don’t remember anything about Emma

    3. Emma was Crow's first love. Ilya is maybe her reincarnation, because she sang the same song than Emma, making Crow interested in her.

  4. I really wonder what made marianne think of illya as soleil's love 🤔

    Marianne pls enlighten us on anything i beg u

    1. Hmm, I wonder if Soleil wasn't in love with Ilya before meeting Silvia?
      In the arc from Soleil's pov, he seems to love her, and it's an external force that make him love Silvia as time pass.
      Maybe, when Ilya died this time, he isn't much in love with Silvia, so Marianne still thinks he loves Ilya?

  5. أعتقد أنني محظوظ عندما وجدت هذه الرواية! شكرًا على الترجمة لم أعاني عند ترجمتها للعربية

  6. Any theory on how this novel is gonna end?? I am getting more and more confused as the author seems like she wants to write again

  7. Finally caught up! Thank you for translating this!!
    I wonder if she's working with Soleil (and not just Edward) to get Ilya to safety. I'd really like a scene with Marianne and him. She's straight forward so I feel like she'd insult him at least once verbally... Which is all I want tbh for him and Silvia. Even in polite society backhand... I'll take anything.

  8. Woah the best angst is back! I'll be honest I'm still the most curious about Soleils past life pov we had way back when, thats what originally got me into the story. I wonder if now that Ilya is "removed' from the story we'll finally find out what happens next to Silvia? I feel like Soleil will no longer be compelled to love her then I wonder how he will act? See you all next year when author-San decides to update again. And thank you so much Nocta for continuing to translate this story! 💕