Chapter 50

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 10

 

I thought that the expression “to be etched into one’s mind” was surely what I was experiencing now. When I closed my eyes, I didn’t even need to search in my memory.

It wasn’t just her silhouette but her every and all of her features that I would recall. Without any real difficulty, I could always remember her, like it was the most natural thing.

It was probably because, as the expression suggested, her face has been scorched into my mind.

 

... ... That day, I had been wrong about anything and everything.

 

After I had poured cruel words on Ilya, as if showering her with cold water, I suddenly calmed down and came back to my senses. Then, with my thoughts still uncollected, I left her side without smoothing over what I had said.

I just thought it would be better to let some time pass. You could say I didn’t take anything else into consideration. Neither I nor she were in a state to have a calm conversation, as we had both been overly stimulated. She also said, “I want to be alone,” with an absent-minded expression. Even if I were to talk to her in this state, I doubt she would have heard my voice.

That’s why, in the end, I left that place, leaving behind only a few words, “I’ll come again tomorrow.” I didn’t hear any answers.

 

Not knowing what sort of situation this would bring about had been very thoughtless of me.

 

I remember having left with painful reluctance, but just like I had done when coming in, I jumped from the window and flew off into the sky. With the form of a bird, I flew in the darkness, where neither the moon nor the stars were shining.

Being alone in this wriggling ocean of pitch-black waves, I became uneasy, assaulted by the feeling that I was being abandoned. However, at the same time, I also felt that my stormy heart was quietening down.

I didn’t know how long I flew for. But, eventually, above the ground, I discovered a white light. When I strained my eyes carefully, I realized that small flowers were blooming, huddled together. They were on a little hill.

For a second, I wondered if stardust hadn’t been scattered on the ground. I laughed at myself for having had such a thought and when I went down with a bitter smile, those flowers danced with vigor. I was so fascinated by this rather phantasmatic scene that I forgot to even blink, and I suddenly remembered

 

There were her favorite white flowers.

 

I didn’t know their name, but they were simple, albeit attractive, lovely flowers. Somehow, they suited Ilya.

While thinking about this, I casually pluck one flower at my feet. Although I felt a bit pathetic, when I tried to imagine what kind of expression Ilya would make if I handed her over a bunch of these flowers, my expression softened spontaneously.

 

That’s it. Tomorrow morning, I’ll bring these flowers and I’ll visit her again.

 

I’ll apologize for saying harsh things, and I’ll listen to her story one more time.

It’s impossible to revive the past again and again. Yet, there was a possibility she misunderstood something. If we could discuss everything more properly, the facts that’d come out might be completely different.

For example, maybe she had memories of what was called her previous life, and she wasn’t going back to the past at all. After all, this possibility had much higher credibility. Even though it could be thought that everything was an illusion to begin with.

 

Anyway, we needed to talk about it one more time.

 

With that thought in mind, I picked as many flowers as I could hold in both hands.

A bouquet of only wildflowers seemed lonesome, so when morning comes, I’ll go to the flower shop to buy more flowers. She might be angry, but if I sincerely lower my head and apologize, she’ll forgive me. Even if she doesn’t, then I can simply apologize again and again.

 

As the sun rose, I went into town and bought so many flowers that I almost couldn’t hold them all. While I was at it, I aimlessly wandered around the city. It was still very early, yet the town was already awake, many shops had started their business.

It has truly been a long time since I last walked in human form among so many people, so I was pretty nervous. From time to time, the people I passed by glanced at my black robe but they didn’t say anything in particular. It seemed I had blended in successfully. 

 

For today at least, I won’t enter from the window but visit her from the front door instead.

While I was so eager to do so, I laughed a little. Even though I was merely going to see someone, fighting spirit was needed.

However, since I was about to visit a noble’s estate, I couldn’t relax my vigilance. The people who would pay a visit to Ilya and call her name were few, so the servants will probably be quite puzzled, but I had a letter of introduction from Ilya.

 

Her wry smile as she said, “Occasionally, you could come by the entrance,” crossed my mind.

While writing up a few lines, Ilya had whispered to herself, “To begin with, I wonder if others can see Crow or not...?” Not minding my absence of answer, she had smiled and said next, “As my name is written on it, you can come in just by showing this.”

Aristocrats were indeed people who placed a great emphasis on protocol and customs. I knew that, since I had lived in this world long ago. When you went to visit a noble’s estate, you couldn’t just suddenly show up and knock on the doors, saying you were an acquaintance, and hope to get invited inside. It was better to send away any suspicious individual and, in some cases, to restrain them. That’s why it was necessary to have made an appointment beforehand, or in an emergency, to have the recommendation of an appropriate person.

 

“Hm, I’m going to say I’m a friend from our time at the academy.”

 

Ilya had seemed to look forward to it. Her face had looked so innocent at that time, I remember it well. Her introduction letter was right there now.

Maybe I thought I wouldn’t have the occasion to use it. However, for today at least, I’ll appear as her “friend” and knock at the mansion doors. I wanted to show off in front of her surroundings. Show off that Ilya had allies. She wasn’t alone, there were trustworthy people by her side, and she too was a human being who relied on others.

I didn’t want her to remain someone who was robbed of everything by her sister. But, even so... Even so, if I couldn’t save Ilya... Preferably, shall I take her out of town?

 

In truth, it wasn’t good for a person like me, who existed out of “the principles of the world,” to butt in, moreover involving myself too much in her life could cause problems too.

Well, it’s not like anyone had said anything would really happen, but I thought so. However, I should no longer turn a blind eye to her situation. 

 

“.... A friend of... Madame...?”

 

The first person who interacted with me when I came to the estate was Soleil’s exclusive butler.

I had seen him from afar, but naturally, it was the first time I was facing him so close as well as having a conversation. He was a lot younger than I thought.

While making a blatantly doubtful expression, he verified the letter I had presented. Then, a slightly surprised expression appeared on his face and right after having told me to wait here, he disappeared into the depths of the mansion.

 

Left behind in the entrance hall, I wonder how long I was made to wait?

 

“The friend of my sister, is that you?”

 

The next person to appear was Ilya’s little sister. In my heart, I wondered why she was here?

But right after that, I remembered what Ilya had told me. That’s right. She was pregnant with Soleil’s child. Therefore, she was probably staying in this mansion rather than returning to her own.

As if to show that the news she was pregnant wasn’t a thoughtless remark, a girl smaller than Ilya was softly caressing her belly. She surely did that unconsciously, yet somehow, it disgusted me. Even if it’s just a casual gesture, when I thought Ilya might see it, I felt pained.

 

“Are you doubting me?”

 

Reflexively, the girl stared fixedly at my face after I said that.

I heard she was often confined to bed since her childhood, but from a complete stranger’s point of view, while she was slenderer than the average person, she wasn’t thinner.

Rather, the humans who were forced to live in utter poverty on the streets seemed much weaker to me.

 

“No. I took a look at the letter big sister has written. It is indeed her handwriting.”

 

My sister is in her room, I will guide you there, she said, behaving as if she was a person from this house.

I tilted my head in puzzlement, feeling how out of place it was for her, who was neither the master of the house nor a servant, to invite a guest in. Yet she wasn’t even aware of how unnatural and inappropriate it was.

As she walked in front of me, her back seemed overly confident and unashamed, she was showing no sign of being in someone else’s house.

 

“...These flowers, are they for my sister?”

 

The estate built for the next marquis was too spacious and wide. It couldn’t be compared to the mansion I lived in in the past. You wouldn’t be able to remember where anything was after just one visit.

As I was walking around while observing my surroundings, a shy voice came from the front.

 

“Yes. I... well. I had a quarrel with her.”

 

I didn’t know why I answered her honestly. But what spilled out of my mouth on the spur of the moment was simply the truth. I couldn’t even nuance what I said.

I didn’t know what she thought when she heard my voice, but the shoulders of the girl walking in front of me twitched, and she shrank on herself.

 

“... Is... that so?”

 

Her soft and unreliable whispering voice was trembling.

 

“I... have never quarreled with my big sister. She is always very kind to me... ...”

 

I was on the edge of speaking up to say, “Yet, taking advantage of that kindness, you had a relationship with your sister’s husband, didn’t you?” But I didn’t.

 

“... But, surely... this was only because... big sister was enduring and taking it on herself...”

 

Big sister is always like this, Sylvia started to say, before swallowing back her words.

Her face, which I was seeing from the side, had turned pale, but still, she didn’t look like she was ashamed of her own deeds.

That girl, who was making the gesture of holding her stomach with both hands as if to care for it, might already have developed her self-consciousness as a mother. She probably didn’t want her own child to be born out of her past mistakes.

 

However. Such a thing was too selfish. Besides, it was also cruel.

 

Ilya was always trying to become a good elder sister, a good wife, a good human being and to do that, she sliced off her heart.

And yet, it never paid off, not even once. She didn’t receive a single thing in reward.

 

Such a life, was way too...

 

“Pathetic.”

 

... ... Even though she was so craving affection. Even though she wanted to be loved so much.

The thing she desired the most, could never be obtained no matter what she did.

 

“... Did you say something just now?”

“...”

“?”

 

Not good. All of this, is not good.

Even if that girl hates it, I’ll take her hand and take her away from here.  

 

“... Hm, it’s here. Big sister’s room is...”

 

The place we finally arrived at was a door upon which a firm lock shone a dull light.

As I saw the door to her room for the first time, my back suddenly started to shake. The intention behind putting a lock on a door was to imprison someone inside. The subject of that imprisonment was the master of the room, the solitary Ilya.

As I always came and went from the window carefreely, I didn’t know of this lock. Now that I thought of it, didn’t her parent’s house have the same things?

As I had lost my words, Silvia’s awkward gaze unpleasantly wandered over me.

 

“Last night... she seemed to have been terribly upset so...”

 

But the lock has already been opened, she said. We weren’t sure what she might do during the night, so we locked the door just for caution’s sake, but the lock should have been opened near dawn.

In fact, the padlock installed in a high position wasn’t currently fulfilling its function but was simply dangling off the door.

Standing in front of this door, Silvia knocked carefully. The helpless knocking sound echoed in the silent corridor.

 

“... ... Big sister? You have a guest..."

 

Maybe she didn’t hear that reserved voice, as there was no answer. Yesterday night, we talked until very late, so she might still be sleeping. If so, she will be confused if she’s suddenly told she has a visitor. She might not have changed her clothes yet.

Thoughtfully, I was about to talk to Silvia, but with her personality, that girl was absolutely not mindful of such things. Before I noticed, her hand was already reaching for the door knob.

 

The door opened all too easily.

 

But in my eyes, the motion of that door appeared awfully slow.

Silvia, who stood just in front of me, let out a short cry, and as if responding to it, the ground shook. Looking down at my feet without thinking, I realized that the flower bouquet I was carrying earlier had fallen.

But, mere flowers couldn’t shake the floor. I understood that it was me who was staggering.

 

Finally, Silvia let out a long, long shriek.

 

When I looked up again, I saw Ilya on the other side of the opened door.

Her stagnant gaze was turned toward us. A tuft of her long hair cast a shadow on her white face. Her hair was swaying, and for the first time, I saw that her toes were “floating in the air.”

 

“... No, no, big sister, big sister!!”

 

I passed by Silvia, who kept screaming while sitting on the ground, probably unable to stand up due to the shock, and I entered the room.

I felt that people had started to gather behind me, but I had no time to spare or mind them. I wanted to help Ilya.

 

She seemed to be in pain. Her white lips were half-opened, as if even now she was trying to appeal for something, yet her voice couldn’t come out. ... Because her neck was broken.

There were no doubts that she couldn’t breathe either. A long cord extending from Ilya’s neck was coiled around the chain of the ceiling light.

From the start, I had thought this light was hanging way too low, but I never ever considered it would be used like this. Would anyone have been able to foresee such a thing?

If we didn’t put her down soon, the ornament of the lighting could be damaged, or the cord around her neck might be torn off. If this were to happen, Ilya’s body would fall to the ground and might be injured.

 

That’s why, quickly. I must quickly help her.

 

Trying to stir up my feelings in a hurry, I approached Ilya. Yet, no one behind me followed.

When I turned around to see what the hell they were doing, I saw a red stain spreading at Silvia’s feet. The servants were crowding around her, moving left and right while screaming something. Like, “someone, call the doctor,” or “inform Lord Soleil,” and such. They were all screaming at the same time, saying different things, so I couldn’t really catch their words.

They didn’t seem to have noticed anything else. Whereas Silvia lost all color on her face and slowly fell forward while embracing her stomach. Whether it was due to the pain or because of the mental shock, it was difficult for her to maintain her consciousness.

 

Her voice kept whispering, “big sister, big sister.”  It sounded like she was crying, but such a voice was lost in the ambient noise and chaos.

Trampled by the servants, the white flower wreckages vainly danced in the air.

 

What was I thinking when I picked those flowers? She would surely be surprised but pleased.

That was my expectation. Meanwhile, was Ilya tying that rope around her neck? 

 

“Lady Silvia, please, by all means, do not do anything rash!”

 

Maybe she had finally lost consciousness as she was carried away by several servants. The following moment, all the maids and butlers were gone. Only Ilya and I remained there.

 

The light of the morning sun that entered through the big window shone on her thin body, which cast a shadow inside the room.

Had no one noticed Ilya? No, it was impossible to have not seen her. ... They noticed her and put it off. The one carrying the child of Soleil, the marquis’s heir, was none other than Silvia. It was quite natural for her to be prioritized. It was natural, from a worldwide perspective.

 

But, but...

 

“Ilya.”

 

The girl, who said she kept repeating her life over and over. Who lamented that she could only pursue a sorrowful fate.

To such a girl, I said we must be in some sort of hell. But Ilya didn’t answer anything.

 

Actually, such a hellish place existed.

 

When I reached out, I was able to touch Ilya’s feet, which were floating in the air.

Just as I was pondering how I could take her down, the chandelier chain broke down with a loud noise. Accompanied by a firm weight, Ilya felt right into my arms.

Her eyes were still open. This appearance made it look like she was surprised by something, or that she was straining her eyes to see through something.

When I gazed into these eyes, I saw the reflection of my own face. In the cloudy eyes, I saw my own stagnant face.

 

“Ilya. ... There is no one anymore. So, you can close your eyes now, it’s fine.”

 

I tried to tell her that she didn’t have to see anything else anymore, but my throat shook and my voice couldn’t come out well.

Ilya naturally didn’t answer. Even though she was looking at me, in reality she wasn’t seeing anything. Anyone could understand that she had already passed away.

Still, I ended up hoping she would start breathing again. I hoped that by continuing to call her name, she would finally blink and give me a little smile. That she would tell me, I heard you, no need to call me so much.

 

However, no matter how many times I said her name, she never answered.

 

That’s why... I decided to take her out with me, as I had planned at first.

Carrying her thin and fragile body wrapped in a sheet, I left the mansion. Although I went out from the main entrance dignifiedly and confidently, it was laughable that no one tried to stop me.

I did pass by several servants, but every one of them seemed busy, no one even spared me a glance. It looked like they were preoccupied with Silvia, who had passed out.

 

I continued to walk while carrying Ilya on my back and left the city I had passed through earlier.

Eventually, we entered the mountains, but I kept walking nonetheless. She was so light, it didn’t feel like I was carrying one person. My legs didn’t become heavy, there was no sense of tiredness.

Meanwhile, the sun went down, darkness shallowed everything. When the stars glittered and the moon wrapped us in its light, at that moment, suddenly, I almost cried. But I absolutely mustn’t. At this frustrating thought, I swallowed my breath.

 

“Ilya, look. It’ll be dawn soon.”

 

I didn’t know how long I had walked, but the deep blue sky started to slowly turn gray.

I sat down at the roots of a soaring large tree, which looked like the lord of the mountain, and laid her down. In her eyes, which were looking up vacantly at the air, the morning sun, which had barely started to show itself, was reflected.

I laid down beside Ilya, grasped her cold hand and embraced her body. I didn’t know why I did that. But it might be because Ilya looked cold.

 

However, my hand, which didn’t have any warmth, shouldn’t have been able to warm her up.

 

“Ilya.”

 

Again, I meaninglessly called her name. Then I waited a little. Because it felt like I could hear a reply, I called her name once more.

After several repetitive and meaningless attempts, I closed her eyes. The instant my fingertips touched her soft eyelashes, drops of water fell on her cheeks.

Wondering if they were raindrops, I looked up at the sky, but it hadn’t changed since a while ago, and there wasn’t even one cloud in sight. It was at that moment that I realized I was crying.

 

It’s almost like I’m human, I laughed, and then my tears stopped flowing.

 

At least once in their lives, most humans will experience an excruciating pain that’ll make them want to cover their eyes or scream. An experience that’ll make them think there was no light left anywhere anymore or that they no longer wanted to see tomorrow come.

Yet, tomorrow will inevitably come, and the sun will rise.

 

It will, as long as they are alive.

 

“...... Ilya, it’ll be morning, soon...”

 

I was a doll, so in reality I wasn’t breathing. Yes, I shouldn’t be breathing.

Yet, right now, I couldn’t breathe.

 

“Rya. My black bird.”

 

In the depths of my ears, Emma’s voice echoed. 

 

“You brought me such happiness.”

 

It was the voice of the person who was making such a gentle and serene expression as her life was ending.

I was sure that even Ilya, who had been through so much pain, would one day smile and say, “I was happy,”' like Emma, and leave me behind.

She must have been praying for that.

 

Who would desire such an ending?

Ilya’s room hadn’t been locked. Even though she had tried to sever her own life, she didn’t close her room from the inside, not to mention the external lock that had already been unlocked.

In other words, anyone could open that door at any time. Anyone could have saved her, and yet.

 

Nobody saved her.

 

No one did.

 

“You’ve made me happy...”

 

“Liar... You’re a liar. Emma...”

 

Saying I brought you happiness, it was just a bunch of nonsense.

As I thought, I’m a bird portentous of ill omens. I’m only a bird harbinger of calamity, a bird of misfortune.

 

“After all, she died. ... Ilya... died...”

 

I wanted someone to curse at me. Ilya died because of you! A bird that brings forth misfortune should disappear for good!

But, under the sky where stars had started to twinkle, Ilya and I were alone, there was no one else. If anyone was watching, it would only be God.

 

The God who forsook the humans earnestly struggling to live.

 

I’ve lived a long, long life. It was the first time I resented God so strongly.

 

***********************

 

That’s how my time with her ended—how it should have ended.

 

However, in reality, this incident may have been just the beginning.

 

Chapter 49                                                       Chapter 51

Nocta’s PS:

Dear M readers, here is a dustpan to retrieve the broken pieces of your hearts.

I had a very hard time translating this chapter. Knowing that Crow would find a dead Ilya when he’d come back... and seeing him happily picking flowers for her, hoping to reconcile with her... even the S in me rolled up into a ball in a corner.

Also, I never truly hated Silvia, probably because we always saw her from Ilya’s POV, she didn’t seem so guilty. But Crow’s impression of her really made me want to strike her with the dustpan. 

Chapter 49

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 9

 

The day I found her.

 

While I was flying in the sky, having turned into a black bird, a familiar melody reached my ears.

You could say I changed course to head in the direction of that sound nearly due to a conditioned reflex. I wondered where I had heard that sound, but I couldn’t remember it clearly.

However, while I kept turning in circles up in the sky, listening carefully to it, the memory finally came back. At the same time, a heavy weight stirred in the depths of my chest.

 

... ... It sounded overly familiar to the lullaby Emma used to sing.

 

It was a tune I hadn’t heard for a very, very long time.

The flow of time was something that changed everything and anything, but things that were lost among this flow were numerous. The lullaby Emma used to hum was one of them.

I thought that since I had a long life, I would have the opportunity to hear it somewhere one more time, yet that opportunity never came until this very day. Therefore, in the end, I was never able to learn which place had inherited that sound. It might be my own fault since I never proactively asked her where her birthplace was.

Continuing to remember those who are no longer in this world was absolutely futile. As such, I think I was deliberately trying not to reminisce about her. Then before long, I also forgot about the lullaby she used to sing. ...... I should have, and yet...

 

Thus, when I heard this kind song, I vividly remembered Emma.

 

Is that why? Ah, someone is calling me. That’s what I felt.

 

********************

 

“You, you’re strange,” she laughed.

 

From my point of view, you’re a lot, lot stranger you know?  I said in a snort as I behaved like a child. I was half joking, half serious. When I did that, the girl... ... Ilya, heaved a little sigh. Then her lips curled into a slightly strange shape. It was a quite indefinable expression, so I couldn’t describe her emotion accurately.

Eventually, Ilya whispered “That’s right,” without arguing. “I’m certainly strange, am I not?”

 

In the middle of the night, the room was wrapped in cold air, even though the window wasn’t open. The changing of seasons was always accompanied by a feeling that made gooseflesh run on my skin. When I relaxed my attention, my whole body shivered.

Lately, my body responded as if it was “a living thing.” My five senses developed, I became able to sense it when the wind occasionally made my hair sway and I regained subtle sensations like warmth, coldness or other comfortable feelings. My magical power and the doll created by Emma might have completely assimilated. I could probably no longer take off that “body.”

 

“Still, what was that?”

 

Changing my appearance from a black bird to a human figure, I stood by the edge of the bed she was sitting on. The interior of the room that was only lightened up by a faint light was always gloomy, but we could still see.

I saw her indistinct silhouette raise her head to look up at me and smile. Her pale emerald iris containing an orange light was beautiful. Every time she blinked, it seemed like the faint light spread at the surface of her eyes would scatter. More than a gem stone, it was closer to a mineral. Before being polished, it’s something that wouldn’t draw people’s eyes, yet depending on the angle at which it reflected light, it would emit an unexpected glitter.

 

“You already know, right? I can see things other people cannot see. ... And so, what about the baby you were holding in your arms a while ago?”

 

When I asked her such questions, Ilya’s eyes slightly widened, then she once again made a bitter smile, “I guess I did that, right?”

She was smiling even though it wasn’t funny, that was laughable in itself.

I didn’t like this and frowned in silence. Maybe she noticed it, but her thin lips remained fixed in a smile as she told me, “There is something else.”

 

“I can see the future. ...... It’s unusual, right?”

 

I stared at her face to see through her real intention, wondering if she was joking.

But because she suddenly averted her gaze, I couldn’t grasp anything. Her line of sight stopped on the iron-grid window.

On the other side of the polished glass, there were iron rods lined up at regular intervals, and between them you could catch a glimpse of rectangular pieces of sky. There was nothing else.

 

“... You said you wanted me to protect your sister. Because in the past, she saved you.”

“Yes, that is correct.

“But, it’s not just that, right? Isn’t it possible that something will happen in the future?”

“...”

“Well, that’s if I believe what you said.”

 

As usual, she just stared into the darkness and didn’t open her lips.

But I couldn’t see the slightest hint of sadness on her profile, despite the fact that it was impossible for her to be happy with her current condition of being locked up in this small room.

On the contrary, she seemed to hide an unshakable resolution. She had such a strong gaze. What the hell was she seeing inside the darkness? I had no way of knowing, but...

 

“Well, it’s fine. I’ll grant your wish, at least. That’s what I promised.”

 

…… But, on the day I met Ilya for the first time, I never thought I would end up shortening the distance between us that much. After all, at least I had a sense of wariness. Even if she was humming a lullaby similar to the one Emma used to sing, I didn’t approach her carelessly.

First, I wanted to ascertain what kind of person she was. To begin with, I knew that a person who was gazing at the outside from a window laced with iron rods was not normal.

So, it took a few days before I exchanged words with her. But I observed her every single day. I noticed that what was abnormal wasn’t her, herself, but her environment.

 

A part of her was certainly mixing up reality and fantasy. However, she only did that to a slight degree. It wasn’t to the point that she would confuse her surroundings.

It might be happening because she had solid self-control and was suppressing her emotions.

It’s true that a while ago, it seemed like she was talking to the phantom of a baby, but currently she was calm and composed. People who interacted with her in the daytime wouldn’t notice that her mind had some problems.

Ilya was simply always thinking of her fiancé and was dedicated to him, doing her best to become a person worthy of him. Her overly frantic and desperate state was touching.

The thing that was hard to understand was the fact that such a girl was always all alone. No one helped her. Even Soleil, as her fiancé, looked like he was keeping a certain distance from her.

 

“Why do you like that fiancé of yours so much?”

 

When I couldn’t bear all this anymore and asked her such a question, her face was lightened up by a small smile. I then realized.

As before, she made the choice to “smile,” like usual. She did that every time, always. As if someone had told her to do so.

 

“When I was young, I was a child who couldn’t do anything, it was even worse than now. When I met Lord Soleil, because I was an ordinary girl, even though I had received a certain degree of education, I was completely useless. Yet, that person... Lord Soleil didn’t criticize me. On the contrary, he waited for me.”

 

“Always, he was there, not saying anything, simply waiting for me.”

 

The face of the girl, who was slowly narrating this word by word, seemed happy at first. She had an expression that seemed to say she was satisfied with everything.

And yet, despite that, for some reason, it felt like she was about to cry.

I lost my words. I’ve always felt it. The truth was that...

 

... He had already stopped waiting for you, I thought.

 

I knew I should say it, but because I understood how cruel these words were, I could only grind my teeth to not say this ruthless truth.

Seeing me like this, she tilted her head in wonder and repeated, “You’re strange.” To hide her chuckle, she put her slender fingers to her mouth. Some ink had stained them indelibly. That was the proof of all the hours she had spent holding a pen every day since her childhood.

The books on economy had been read and reread to the point she could recite them from memory, the corners of the pages were all torn off and the front cover was worn-out. On the blank spaces and margins, the notes written down by Ilya were overflowing. There, you could see the trace of her efforts.

But after saying that just remembering itself was of no use, she had then picked up books on the politics and history of foreign countries.

 

It wasn’t all, dance practice was also indispensable. One day after she’d have become a woman from the highest rank of the aristocracy, she’d have to dance better than the other women too. Even if blood oozed from her toes, she didn’t mind.

There was still more, she must be able to sing along to the piano. Since it was a must for a noble daughter, she practiced for many hours. She did all that on her own.

 

She also probably had days when she didn’t feel like reading. Or days when she didn’t want to hold a pen. Days when she didn’t want to dance, days when she couldn’t bear the sight of a musical instrument.

Surely sometimes, she must have wanted to take a break for the whole day. Yet, she didn’t.

Seeing her like this, was simply nothing but painful. No matter who saw her like this, they would understand that she was overworking herself.

 

Yet, no one, not even one single person, stopped her. No one told her it was fine to take a short break.

On the contrary, they displayed scolding behavior that implied she must try even harder. Her parents... especially her mother, were like this. She never ever clearly said words of encouragement, but she casually offered her advice, acting like she was cornering her against a wall.

 

“The person who will become the wife of the next marquis cannot depend on others. Neither must she allow others to accompany her.”

 

Even though that girl had never depended on her parents, not even a single time, she told her such harsh words. But the people around Ilya all approved of her mother’s words.

The only one who thought differently was probably Ilya’s escort knight. However, he couldn’t restrain the actions of his master. To say nothing of refuting the words of his employer’s wife, a countess.

 

That’s why I tempted her with sweet and endearing words. Should I lend you a hand?

 

Nevertheless, she never agreed. She only said, “I have only one thing I would like to request of you. To protect my little sister.” This was absolutely not the answer to my question.

Leaving me alone as I was quite bewildered, Ilya directed her gaze, which seemed to see through everything and anything without obstruction toward me. Her eyes seemed to say, There is no need to care about the like of me.

 

Then, without any logical connection, she started to explain about a certain band of robbers. A very dangerous group, she said.

 

Because she kept talking and insisting about them, I tried to search for them myself, but it was a tiny group of thieves whose names were unknown. Their influence didn’t threaten the public order of the town. They got a few earnings through repeating minor offenses, and they were unlikely to make a big mess.

I absolutely couldn’t understand why she worried about them. Still, she was concerned about that insignificant group of robbers and wished they were arrested. That’s why I had no choice but to cooperate.

 

I did it because I had too much time on my hands. I was simply utterly free. I thought that it was fine to offer her a moment of my long, long life. Surely, the days I’ll spend with Ilya will fly by in a blink. Because that’s how it was supposed to be.

 

I didn’t know what kind of existence I was for her. Maybe she was doubting me, not knowing if I wouldn’t betray her one day. In the depths of her heart, she probably didn’t trust anyone.

 

However, I wonder... If I was a smarter person, able to understand the subtility and inner workings of the heart, then... would I have been able to overturn all the events that happened afterwards? One of them had been, for example, the fact that she married her fiancé as planned.

 

I remember her wedding ceremony well. It was held on a day with perfect weather, a day when a soft wind was dancing in the sky.

The dress she had prepared herself for that day was so gorgeous it was dazzling, to the point you would hesitate to take a straight look at it. What was looking so sparkling was the embroidery, and maybe it did so because she had sewed it herself. Each time the needle pierced the fabric, it created the pattern she was picturing. That kind of craft gave birth to a masterpiece, but it took a lot of time and was also frustrating. Still, doing that made her expression soften.

 

She kept saying that she had been living for that day.

 

Naturally, since my existence wasn’t perceived by others, I did not attend the ceremony.

Like always, I took the shape of a bird and I flew above the church where the ceremony was held. I could see the young couple who had probably exchanged their vows inside the church as well as the attendants when they all came out in the garden. They were probably having a get-together.

From the far and high sky, as I was looking down at them, that girl, who had just received the title of “wife,” looked up. I sensed that somehow, she was watching me. However, maybe her husband by her side told her something, but she immediately turned her gaze back.

 

Because she had finally become the marquis’ wife, her time of working herself to death should have come to an end.

When I told her, Since the management of the territory is the job of your husband, the feudal lord, you should take it easy now, Ilya tilted her head in puzzlement.

It’s precisely because that’s the case that I should strive hard to be of help to Lord Soleil, she answered as she drove herself to a corner.

I knew that what she feared the most was not being needed by Soleil. “Life” for her may be devoting her all to Soleil.

That’s why. That’s precisely why, each time she picked up the dress she had prepared for her wedding ceremony, her expression looked somehow happy.

 

That girl was...

 

... standing beside the person that could now be called her “husband,” smiling with her “usual and unchanged smile.”

It can’t be! I unconsciously whispered so, as I never expected to see that expression on her face on her wedding day. “Why?”

 

Why do you keep smiling even at such a time?

 

No, that’s not it. Usually, it was an occasion where it was fine to laugh and smile. On the contrary, not smiling was stranger. Because today was such a day. The day that was supposed to be the brightest in one’s life.

Yet her smile brought forth a sense of discomfort and incongruity. It might be because I felt that this wedding ceremony was a big farce. I knew that for Ilya, who had been eagerly waiting for this day with all her heart, my remark might sound too cruel. Still, it was nothing but a farce.

 

At the end of my line of sight, I could see a man who should have declared his wedding vow, yet who wasn’t looking at his own wife but her sister. Standing next to such a man, Ilya was pretending to be overly happy.

 

I thought it was stupid. It was absurd and ridiculous.

However, I had no composure to laugh at this. I remember the pain that tightened my chest.

Although she was smiling, Ilya didn’t change her expression, like it had frozen. The mask that was tightly clinging to her small features was something that wouldn’t be peeled off unless great efforts were made to make it happen.

Despite the fact that today was a grand celebration, like a new departure in her life, she chose to wear that mask.

 

In other words, she had resigned herself. She had sworn to love her husband.

On the other hand, she gave up on “loving herself.”

 

In truth, she had bet everything on that day. Bet that the man who had been her fiancé since their childhood, Soleil, would maybe, for today at least, look at her.

That’s what she probably hoped for. 

 

Such a simple wish was crushed.

 

While keeping her smile, Ilya quietly fell into despair without anyone knowing.

 

*************************

 

That girl, who had still become Soleil’s wife, fulfilled her duty as a member of the marquis’ house, as if nothing was wrong. As if she was saying that accomplishing her obligations as Soleil’s wife was giving meaning to her life. As if saying she absolutely mustn’t shame the marquis’s family as a member of their household. All of that for the sake of being acknowledged as the wife of the next marquis.

She attended social gatherings instead of her husband busy with his word as a knight, spread out her personal connections, and sometimes she even took part in diplomatic parties alone. No one would have thought that it was once suspected that something was wrong with her mind.

Back when she was attending the academy, she was very devoted to Soleil and ended up embarrassing people in her entourage. But now she had become quiet and inconspicuous. She was virtuous, noble, fastidious and talented. Even in the aristocratic world, it didn’t take long before she was acknowledged as a person suitable to belong to the marquis’ house.

 

I thought she was doing well. That everything was going smoothly.

By that time, the group of robbers Ilya had in mind had already greatly weakened and it was thought they would disappear sooner or later. I wondered if she did something or if they simply destroyed themselves. I didn’t know, but that didn’t matter.

 

Because the incident that happened afterwards had probably nothing to do with it.

 

That day, the twilight sky was very pretty. While admiring that seven-colored sky, which could only be seen during a change of season, I flew until the sun was on the verge of setting.

When I thought that an ordinary human could only look at this sky from a much farther place, I somehow ended up with the positive feeling that it wasn’t such a bad thing to have obtained that body. When I tried thinking about it, this was the first time I thought like this since my body had vanished. I might have been inspired by Ilya, who was always desperately trying to live through “the present.”

No matter how much time will continue to flow thereafter, maybe if I could simply live while gazing at “the present,” then I might be able to enjoy it and breathe more easily. I thought that I ought to live earnestly, like her.

 

That might be why. On the night of that day, when I witnessed the deranged Ilya, I couldn’t stay calm.

 

... ... While crying, she told me that her little sister had become pregnant. And that the child’s father was her own husband.

 

When I heard those words, I hesitated and searched for words I could say to encourage her. I had guessed something like this might happen one day, but I didn’t think it would be this soon.

The girl who continued to cry convulsively like a child was pitiable. Since everything she had so frantically worked for until now ended up in vain, it was natural.

But when I was reflexively patting her little back... she spoke totally unbelievable words.

 

She said that she kept repeating the past.

 

That she would go back to the same time again and again and again.

Then she raised her voice to scream that it was precisely why, even though she was supposed to have conducted herself perfectly, it had all been for naught, and once again she erupted in a violent fit of sobbing.

Unable to stand, she remained sitting on my lap, her tears dropping drop by drop. It made me wonder how she could possibly have saved up so much water.

With my thoughts that weren’t functioning very well, I looked down at Ilya who was saying incoherent words. That girl looked at me. Her eyes, which were turned in my direction were displaying her uneasiness. They were telling me she wanted me to understand, to sympathize, to not doubt her. But.

 

Going back in time, it’s impossible.

 

The first thought that came to me was this.

It was because I, myself, had looked for and had wanted from the bottom of my heart that “magic to return to the past.”

In the past, many years before now, around the time I had just lost Emma, I often thought about it. If I could go back to the past... then could I start over from my encounter with Emma?

If it was possible to go back to an even earlier time, could I stop my father from casting this spell on his son? Or, could I repeat the days after our marriage endlessly until I got tired of it?

 

If I was able to return to the past, to what time should I go? That’s what I researched repeatedly. If that magic didn’t exist anywhere in this world, then should I create such magic myself? I kept thinking thoroughly all day and night.

Yet I could not do it. In the end, I reached the conclusion that maybe, only god could be able to manipulate time. That’s why, I thought....

 

… that I had to continue to live that unwanted life, my wish remaining ungranted.

 

“It’s almost like hell.”

 

That’s right. This place was like hell. If that was the case, then what sort of punishment was this? What the hell was I being punished for? What did I do?

These questions, which I had started to forget, shrouded my mind.

 

“Say, don’t you think so?”

 

Ilya was quick to react to my inquiring voice. Maybe she hadn’t thought at all that she would be told such things, but she made a slightly stupid expression.

For her to make such an expression was very rare. It might have been imprudent of me to laugh at this.

 

“But if this is hell... If you’re receiving your punishment... Then, what kind of sin did you commit?”

 

When father cast a spell on me, I was a little child. Such a young me, what kind of crime had he committed to descend to this hell?

If this was a fate I had been carrying since my birth, then... what kind of karma was I burdened with when I was born into this world?

 

“Why is it happening to you and you alone?”

 

...... Why did it happen only to me?

 

While asking Ilya, I also asked myself the same question. Despite knowing there was no answer. Why must I be the only one to experience such a thing? Even though in this world, there are so many people, why is it no one else, why is it me?

 

While she was still half in a daze...

 

“... I... wanted to... wanted to become happy...”

 

... She answered word by word.

 

“I only... wanted to... become happy, that’s all.”

 

Her trembling lips carefully spat out these words. Then, just at this instant, her face turned white, as if she had admitted having committed a serious sin.

 

“That’s why,” she continued. “That’s why... things became like this.”

 

I couldn’t understand the meaning of her words. However, I realized that I had committed an outrageous error. I had injured a girl who had reached out her hand to me for help.

 

That small hand, which had probably asked for someone’s help for the first time, I mercilessly struck it down.

 

I crushed this pure heart that couldn’t defend itself.

 

 

Chapter 48                                                        Chapter 50