Chapter 46

7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 6

 

Emma cried restlessly, to the point that it seemed she would be engulfed by her grief and stop breathing.

In fact, seeing her cry while gasping for breath made me think dying might have been easier for her. If at that moment, I had had hands that could have hugged her... I would have strongly, strongly embraced her until I’d choked the life out of her.

I knew I was thinking of stupid things. But if that could save her, a part of me thought it wouldn’t be so bad.

 

…… I see. Is this what “death” is?

 

My sensations were too vague. Maybe I arrived at this thought that I would never have had if I had been in my normal state, because I was actually experiencing for myself what it felt like to be a deceased person, what death felt like.

It wasn’t an ambiguous feeling like what I had felt until now, where I didn’t know whether I was alive or dead. I firmly… this way of saying it might be a bit strange. Yes. I should say, I properly understood I was dead.

If souls existed in this world, then, wasn’t the me right now something close to it?

If that was the case, then maybe a person with the so-called ability to sense the supernatural might be able to see me.

When I unexpectedly reached this idea, I tried to call out to her, who had now fallen into a trance.

 

But at that moment, I realized I had no “means” to prove my own existence.

 

She had cried and screamed to the point that her voice was now hoarse.

Although her appearance was clearly visible to me, I couldn’t stroke her back, I couldn’t tell her it was alright. Even though I wanted to let her know I was still here, by her side.

The arms that should have supported her, the legs that should have rushed to her, the voice that should have encouraged her, I had nothing.

 

“Rya…! Aah… Yes, well, of course you’re not here…!”

 

For a second, I had an uncomfortable feeling as if the flow of air itself had stopped.

She suddenly started to speak, then she laughed. It was an awfully crooked smile, a smile that induced dread. Then, still holding my clothes in her arms, she rushed out of the room.

Confronted with this unexpected situation, not a single servant who had been surrounding Emma managed to react in time. When eventually, they came back to their senses and chased after her in a hurry, it was already too late.

Emma had exited the manor’s gates and was following the road leading to the market, rushing somewhere while calling my name in delirium. During that time, she passed by a familiar merchant on the roadside. Seeing her conduct, which was nothing like her usual gracefulness, he stood gaping.

So, it didn’t take long before Emma caught up with a passing person and called out to them.  

 

“Have you seen a man… with black hair and black eyes who looks very young? It’s a man who’s called Rya… Kaliarya Ignis…”

 

She had been crying until just a while ago, so her breathing wasn’t steady yet.

She desperately squeezed out her hoarse voice, and while it was still jolting up sometimes, she questioned people. While they were startled to be called out, these people only shook their heads.

Yet, Emma didn’t give up. Her face was pale, her legs wobbling, her hair disheveled. But she continued to ask people.

The market she eventually arrived at was a place I frequently stopped by on my way back from work. Here, I chose fruit for Emma.

 

 “Madame! Madame! Please, wait…!”

 

A servant, who had finally caught up to her, called in a shriek, trying to stop her.

Well, he was right to. Because a woman, who was wearing attire that clearly let others know she was a noble, was calling out to anyone and everyone, almost clinging to them in despair.

But she didn’t stop. Not giving the slightest care about her outward appearance, she gave up on her reputation and abandoned everything.

 

She kept calling my name, calling out to me. 

 

It can’t be, I thought, while continuing to look at her.

We were supposed to have prepared ourselves for this moment. For when I’d lose my life.

But now that I thought it over, what I needed to do wasn’t to prepare for the moment I would die. It was to “prepare her” for that moment.

Even though I should have made her ready to accept the future where her husband would die, I only thought of myself, I made light of her feelings for me. 

 

“He should be somewhere! Someone, someone…! Haven’t you seen him…!!” 

 

If things continued like this, she would lose her mind.

I must do something. Because I was the only one who could save her.  

 

Someone! Anyone! Please, hear my voice, help her……

When I was strongly, silently praying like this… my consciousness was dragged by something.

As I was standing beside Emma, looking at the scenery surrounding us, the scene in front of my eyes started to spin around. It was a tempestuous sensation, like being swallowed by a sudden gust. I couldn’t resist at all. I was being dragged somewhere.

While such sensations were overwhelming me and I kept doing nothing but calling Emma’s name…

 

“…Poor thing. You’re in such a state…”

 

Suddenly, I heard such a voice.

When I “looked around,” I realized I was “standing” inside a familiar room.

By reflex, I tried to speak, but as expected, I couldn’t emit any sound. The impression that I was standing there – was it only a trick of my imagination?

I wondered about my current state and whether or not it wasn’t just my consciousness that was floating in the air?

 

“You lost your body and only your magical power is left. Was your consciousness imbued in it…? No, I wonder what it is? It’s my first time seeing such a strange phenomenon.”

 

The doctor was talking calmly, his words similar to raindrops falling rhythmically one by one.

Ah, I see. This place is the clinic I visited before, I understood.

 

“But it seems our wavelengths are matching. I can somewhat guess your will and what you’re trying to say. … … That being the case, yes, right, hum…”

 

The doctor was looking at the air, his soft face looking a bit sharp.

Ordinarily, magic power couldn’t be seen. It was something that could only be “felt.”

That’s why, since I had been reduced to a lump of magic power, it was quite unbelievable to say that our gaze met, yet it still felt like we were staring at each other.

 

“You cannot hold any object either… but maybe, letting others see an illusion is possible…”

 

He was sitting on a chair, writing down something, but his hand soon stopped moving and he abruptly stood up. Then he went to pick up several books from his collection on the bookshelves and said, “I’m not a specialist in this field of sorcery so... it might not work out, but…”

As before, his line of sight was loitering across the room, but he was certainly looking “towards me.”

 

“It’ll take time, you know. Since I’ll also have to consult experts on this.”

I agreed with that man who was smiling daringly.  Even though I wasn’t clear on what he meant by this. I guess this was what you’d call my last hope. There was no one else I could rely on, and I felt that if it’s him, he would manage to do something.

That might be precisely why my consciousness had unconsciously flown here.

 

“Surely, the fact that you appeared in front of me is the answer. If something like fate exists, then we must have been led to each other.”

 

The doctor muttered so, like he was talking to himself, and after sitting down on his chair again he opened a massive book.

You can stay here if you want, but it’ll take time, he once again said the same thing as earlier. Well, I guess time no longer matters to you anymore.

At that moment, I found a faint hope in his words. I believed that “hope” was, as the word said, something that would illuminate my future life brightly.  

 

With this, she’ll also be able to sense my existence. I could live with her once more. I’ll be able to save her, or maybe myself.

Such frivolous thoughts crossed my mind.

 

******************

 

I didn’t know how long it took to complete the magic spell.

As the doctor had asserted beforehand, maybe it took a long time. Or maybe it was shorter than I imagined.

The thing that was certain was that a certain amount of time went by. The doctor retained his youthful appearance as usual, but his features still showed that several years had passed.

 

Then, thanks to magic, I became an existence “that could be seen by others.”

 

“In the end, it’s just a spell. So, you won’t be able to touch people and vice versa. You’re simply giving a “shape” to your magic power. Thus, the people who have a weak magic sense will only see “a figure.” In the first place, your presence won’t be reflected in people’s eyes.”

 

As the doctor said, I could somewhat transmit my will, but I didn’t become able to speak.

That was because I didn’t have any vocal cords to emit sounds with. On the other hand, I could hear other people’s voices not because my ears were functioning but simply because I felt the “wavelength” emitted by my conversation partner. At least that was my opinion on this topic.

But there were still some punctual things I didn’t understand. What caused an inconsistency was that I was a lump of magical power, but I also had a soul. Everything related to the soul and spirit came within the domain of God, so it couldn’t be explained.

But even like this, I thought it was enough. Anything was fine. It was better than this previous state where no one could perceive me.

Even if I couldn’t regain a body, I could “be seen” by Emma. There was nothing else I wished for more than that.

 

When I looked down, I saw my hands. I could close my fingers and it was possible to wave my hand.

Even if I understood it was an illusion, it completely felt like I had come back to life.

 

“I’ve tried to consider for what purpose you wanted to create this magic. … Well, even without thinking about it, I could guess it was for your wife. Thus, this spell became a magic spell specifically made for her sake. In other words, she’ll be able to see you without problems.”

 

Did he look into my past? The doctor seemed to know my personal life very well. But maybe it was necessary in order to create this spell.

He made a little pause, then asked, “Have you made your resolve?”

I tilted my head, wondering what on earth I needed resolve for, but he gave me a detailed explanation, “… For you, time may be infinite, but for us, time is something too short.”

I tried to read the true meaning between his words and strained the “eyes” I wasn’t supposed to have. But I couldn’t perceive anything.

And so, I didn’t notice how at that time, he cleanly drew a line between me and “them.”

 

I was only thinking about Emma.

 

I wonder what she is doing now. Is she looking for me again? Isn’t it lonely, living in that large mansion? When I meet her again, I won’t be able to talk, but I can listen. Perhaps it’ll be enough. What matters is that we’ll see each other’s faces. Surely, it must be.

 

In that way, I desperately tried to convince myself. Then, when I went to meet her…

 

“…Why?” I was asked in a squealing voice.

 

The woman, who was standing in the familiar entrance hall, was wearing a much simpler and washed-up robe than the ones she had in the past. Maybe because of these clothes, her complexion seemed very pale.

Because everything was dead silent, when I looked around, wondering if there wasn’t any servant, I saw that the sheets were hung on the paintings and empty flower vases.

When I looked closely, I saw that the chandeliers hanging from the ceiling were covered in dust. I tilted my head, thinking the atmosphere was strange, but at that moment...

“What is happening…?” Emma whispered in an absentminded voice. I came back, was what I tried to convey, but naturally, my voice didn’t come out.

I hadn’t considered what kind of gestures I should make in order to be understood by her. Even if I regretted not having made more preparations before coming to meet her, it was too late.

Looking obviously confused, thrown in confusion and shaking from head to toe, she stretched her hand towards me. But her fingers quickly slipped through my body.

At that moment, her eyes opened wide and her expression became shocked and frightened. Then her lips trembled with fear and she screamed.

 

More than an ear-piercing sound, it sounded like a grim and pathetic cry.

Yes, for example... it felt like you’d lost someone right now, in front of your eyes. It might have been like the voice you’d raise if you were suffering too much.

I think her voice echoed across the whole mansion. It was then that I noticed something was out of place.

 

The mistress of the house had screamed, yet no one had come to check what happened.

Not even the senior employees, like the person working as the steward, appeared. Maybe there really was no one?

No, that’s just not possible. It was the estate itself that brought forth the atmosphere of a ruin. This mansion was the place where we, Emma and I, had built the foundation of our lives together. Yet the flowers that had been arranged there and here were nowhere to be seen.

 

“…Emma! What the hell happened to you…!”

 

For a second, I thought my voice had resounded. But that couldn’t be the case.

I didn’t know where he came from, but a man appeared and forced his way between us. From his movements, I realized he couldn’t perceive me… he couldn’t see my appearance.

In a shaking voice, Emma answered, “There, he…” The man turned back and looked in the direction she was pointing, but he bent his head with a puzzled expression. “…What? Is there something there?”

 

“You can’t see him? For you, he is invisible…?” 

While Emma repeated the same thing in an incoherent mutter, the man gently embraced her dainty body. The back of the tall man completely hid her. His low voice whispering, “It’s alright,” sounded so far away to me.

I couldn’t see it well from where I stood, but his hands were surely stroking her back. Seeing this affectionate gesture, pain arose in my chest. My heart, which hat should not be there, was screaming.

 

“I must have gone mad. You see, you see… it feels like he is standing there.”

 

I didn’t understand what was happening there. As she kept whispering, “He is… he is,” the man answered, “…No. There is no one there. You’re simply seeing a hallucination.”

 

After all, isn’t he dead?

 

Yes, right. You’re right, while she nodded back several times, her slender fingers grasped his back.

As expected, I could only watch. Watch Emma’s fingers as they embrace him. Those fingers, which had been scraped on the floor when they gathered the sand that I turned into, were completely healed. As if it was a lie that such a thing ever happened.

 

“I, might have gone mad,” her muttering voice echoed.

It seemed to make my non-existing eardrum shake, and pierce into my brain.

 

“Let’s quickly sell the estate and start our new lives. This way, I’m sure you’ll get back to how you used to be. Everything is going to be alright.”

 

A gentle, very gentle voice told her so. Even though these words didn’t hold any might or hostility in them... they deeply gouged out my heart.

As if to get me out of her sight, Emma buried her head in his chest.

 

“Isn’t it fine already? You’ve suffered more than enough, and I think it would pain him to see you like this too... So, you must move on. I’ll also do as much as I can to support you, I’ll always be by your side...”

 

I was petrified. Unable to move even one step from where I stood, I heard this man’s voice as he begged her in a whisper, So please, somehow, forget about him.

Then, when I heard his following words, “Your husband passed away many years ago,” I finally realized the reality.

 

For her, since already a long time ago... ... I was dead.

 

“Yeah, you’re right. He is dead. Rya, is dead. My husband... is dead.”

 

The words Emma repeated, as if to persuade herself, felt like they took everything away from me. 

          

Chapter 45                                                             Chapter 47

Nocta’s explanation:

About this part at the beginning:

It wasn’t an ambiguous feeling like what I had felt until now, where I didn’t know whether I was alive or dead. I firmly… this way of saying it might be a bit strange. Yes. I should say, I properly understood I was dead.

I’m sorry if it got you confused. Rya is saying that since he is dead and no longer has a physical body, he cannot sense something physically, firmly, strongly. So, he corrects himself and uses a synonym.